University of Virginia Library

9. IX.

IT wuz a crooel necessity, after all, wich druv me
into the servis uv His Eggslency A. Johnson.
Crooel, I say; for whenever he hez a partikelerly
mean piece uv work to perform, suthin so inexpressibly
sneakin that Seward nor Randall won't undertake
it, they alluz send for me. Welles is alluz
willin; but while he hez the disposishen to do anything
in the line, he lax the ability. The uthers,
however, hev the ability to do anythin and the disposishen
to do most things, and therfore I hev bin
employed in only eggstreme cases.

The success wich attended McCracken's mishun,
endin ez it did in the resinin uv Motley, stimyoolated

Seward to prossekute similar researches into
the actooal opinions uv the home krop uv offisers
regardin him, and his, ez well ez my sooperior, A.
Johnson. Randall wuz applied to to take a tour
among Post Masters and sich. He declined the
mishen indignantly, with the remark, “Is thy servant
a dog, or the son uv a dog, that he shood
do this thing?” And ez Welles isn't trusted out
uv Washinton any more, I wuz sent for.

The biznis required uv me wuz statid by Seward
in his yoosual loocid style. It wuz merely to cirkelate
incognito (wich is Latin for sneakin) among
the recently appinted offis-holders, and assertain
ther views upon general politikle topics, but more
espeshally ther feelins toward the President and Sekretary
uv State. Jest ez I wuz startin, not at all
pleased with the mishen, Welles put in his oar.
He wuz agoin to give me instrucshuns ez to wat I
wuz to do. Welles is a lunatik I never cood abide,
and I felt it my dooty to wither him. Transfixin
the venerable Sekretary with wun uv my most piercenist
gazes, I remarked, — “Sir! in imitashen uv
the man who inflicted yoo upon this country, wich
wuz not the least uv his acts for wich the country
cusses him, I propose relatin a little anecdote. Ther
wuz wunst a man who wuz inebriatid; and that he

might present hisself in a state approximatin sobriety
to the pardner uv his buzzum, he wuz essayin
to vomit, tryin thus to ease his stumick uv the cause
uv the onpleasantnis therin; but he coodent do it.
He heaved and heaved, but there wuz no result.
At this critikle period another man approacht, who
remarked, kindly, that ef he desired to vomit, his
best holt wood be to run his finger down his throat.
The drunk individooal looked up indignant at this
unwarranted interference with his constooshnel rites.
`Blast yoor eyes, sir,' sed he, `are yoo or me bossin
this yer puke?'

“This, Sekretary Welles, is the anecdote. I
respeck the posishun yoo hold, and dislike sayin
anythin disagreeable; but, sir, this is a puke, and
I perpose to boss it myself.”

I startid to-wunst, and found things in a highly
mixed condition. The followin is compiled from
my reports: In Noo York the Postmasters generally
are sound. The crops wer poor last year; and all
kinds uv biznis bein dull, the Postmasters are generally
anxious to hold on. They are, therefore, outspoken
in their support uv the coz. Them ez wuz
men uv good standin and relijusly inklined, before
the rupcher between the President and the party
wich redoost him, say but very little in publick,

and that little they don't say very long. They generally
can't see that ther is any partikeler differense
between the President's plan and the plan uv Congress,
and ther bein so little, Congress ought to yeeld
for the sake uv peace. The Dimokrats, holdin sich
places, are loud enough in support uv the Administrashen;
but, good Heaven! the endorsement uv
sich men is too heavy a load for any party to carry.
Now, that I think uv it, I hev at last solved the mystery
uv our wide-spread defeat last fall. In some
deestricks the Dimocrisy found Johnson too heavy
a load to carry, and in the balance the Johnson men
found the Dimokrisy too heavy a load to carry.

In Ohio, the first place I stopt at wuz Oberlin,
the place where the nigger college is located at. I
regret to say that the Postmaster at that pint is a
rantin Ablishnist; and in the two hours I wuz ther,
I coodent find a Conservative Republikin who wood
take it. I got one nearly perswadid; but jest ez he
wuz about to consent, his wife fell a weepin onto
his buzzum, and with tetchin pathos wantid to kno
ef he wuz willin, for sich small pay, to leave sich a
tarnisht name to the four children now born to em
and the wun wich wuz expectid? He repentid and
refoosed. I didn't investigate ez fully ez I might,
for ther ain't a drop uv likker sold ther; and ez my

flask give out, I felt that doo considerashen for my
health woodent permit my stayin another hour. I
recommend the abolishen uv the office, or the establishment
uv a grosery, with a bar in the back room,
ez a nukleus around wich the Dimocrisy kin rally.

The next place I cum to I found the Postmaster
a suspishus caracter — very suspishus. Whenever
he is drunk he speaks very highly uv the Sekretary
uv State, but when sober he avoids politikle matters.
I sejest a raise in the salary uv the offis, that he kin
afford to keep drunk all the time.

At the next pint I interdoost myself ez a English
nobleman in disguise, studyin Amerikin manners
and customs, and menshund carelessly that I hed
bin to Washinton, and hed bin presentid to the
President and Sekretary uv State. The Postmaster
wuz vizably affectid. Glancin furtively around to
see that no one wuz lookin, he remarked in a low
tone: “My deer sir, don't, I beg uv yoo, form yoor
idea uv the public men uv Ameriky from them specimens.
Don't, I beg. The first, sir, is a accident
— sich a man cood never hev bin made on purpose.
The second wuz suthin, in his earlier years; but
now, sir, now — he's a degradid old man,” and he
busted into tears. “Bein determind to hold onto
his place, he tried at fust to bring the President, by

accident, up to his level; but that bein impossible,
he deliberately let hisself down to the level uv the
President, and the distance, sir, wuz so great, the
Sekretary bein suthin, that the shock, sir, undoubtedly
knockt his intelleck out uv him, for he ain't
displayed any since. He literally fell among thieves.
May the Lord forgive Willyum H. Seward for the
shipwreck he made uv his reputashen, for —”

At this pint the poor man stopt. I happened to
pull out my hankercher, and in doin so dropt upon
the floor a piece uv paper, wich he seed. It read:

“Petroleum V. Nasby, Dr.

“To G. Bascom.

 

“To drinks doorin the month uv Janooary at 10 cents per drink

$30 00”

He looked at my face, and seein that that bill
reely b'longed to me, fell faintin onto the floor,
shreekin, “I'm McCrackened.”

I leave the case in the hands uv the Cabinet.
It's aggravatin.

Another man openly defied me. He wantid me
to take the offis off uv his hands. His children, he
sed, wuz made mouths at and skoffed at, at skool,
becoz ther father, wich hed bin a Republikin, held
a Fedral offis, and his wife wuz defeeted for President
uv the Sewin Sosiety, a posishen she hed alluz

held, on the same akkount. He hed stood it long
enuff. Ef he coodent git it off his hands, he'd commit
sooicide, and by thus puttin hisself out uv the
way make his abuzed family the only reparashen in
his power. I sejest that he be removed. Sich talk
may be safely set down ez incendiary.

Another hed the highest possible opinion uv the
President, and worshipt the Secretary. He considered
his plan uv reconstruction the best wich cood
hev bin devised by mortal wisdom. He hed vainly
striven to git a nominashen for an offis from the
Republikin party for years, but failed, owin to a lack
uv confidence. He wood have jined the Democracy;
but ez they wuz hopelessly in the minority, it
woodent hev helped him. He considered Johnson's
idea uv fillin the offisis with Republikins bully, ther
bein so few uv that persuasion who'd take em, and
he didn't want any accessions to the party.

Ther wuz now jist enuff to hold the offisis in control
uv the President, and them wuz all the offisis
they cood git any how. I sejest that he be continyood.
He isn't discreet; but we can't expect all
the virchoos at so small a price. None uv us is
perfeck — I spose I hev my failins.

I shell continyoo my investigashens, tho it is
dredful tryin labor. Goin, ez I do, thro Abolition

sections, I hev to carry my own whiskey; and ez sad
experience hez demonstrated, quart flasks won't do.
Sometimes I hev to lay in one uv them towns for
three hours. I respeckfully submit, that arrangements
be made for the transportashen uv a keg uv
sustenance to accompany me; otherwise, I shel
peremptorily resine. At my time uv life my regeler
supplies is necessary.