 | The collected works of Ambrose Bierce |  |
T
Table d' HÔTE, n.
[Old Paunchinello, freshly wed]
Old Paunchinello, freshly wed,
Took Madame P. to table,
And there deliriously fed
As fast as he was able.
Took Madame P. to table,
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As fast as he was able.
“I dote upon good grub,” he cried,
Intent upon its throatage.
“Ah, yes,” said the neglected bride,
“You're in your table d'hôtage.”
Intent upon its throatage.
“Ah, yes,” said the neglected bride,
“You're in your table d'hôtage.”
Associated Poets.
339
Tariff, n.
[_]
A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
[The Enemy of Human Souls]
The Enemy of Human Souls
Sat grieving at the cost of coals;
For Hell had been annexed of late,
And was a sovereign Southern State.
Sat grieving at the cost of coals;
For Hell had been annexed of late,
And was a sovereign Southern State.
“It were no more than right,” said he,
“That I should get my fuel free.
The duty, neither just nor wise,
Compels me to economize—
Whereby my broilers, every one,
Are execrably underdone.
What would they have?—although I yearn
To do them nicely to a turn,
I can't afford an honest heat.
This tariff makes even devils cheat!
I'm ruined, and my humble trade
All rascals may at will invade:
Beneath my nose the public press
Outdoes me in sulphureousness;
The bar ingeniously applies
To my undoing my own lies;
My medicines the doctors use
(Albeit vainly) to refuse
To me my fair and rightful prey
And keep their own in shape to pay;
The preachers by example teach
What, scorning to perform, I preach;
And statesmen, aping me, all make
More promises than they can break.
Against such competition I
Lift up a disregarded cry.
Since all ignore my just complaint,
By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!”
Now, the Republicans, who all
Are saints, began at once to baw]
Against his competition; so
There was a devil of a go!
They locked horns with him, tête-à-tête
In acrimonious debate,
Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,
Had hopes of coming by their own.
That evil to avert, in haste
The two belligerents embraced;
But since 'twere wicked to relax
A tittle of the Sacred Tax,
'Twas finally agreed to grant
The bold Insurgent-protestant
A bounty on each soul that fell
Into his ineffectual Hell.
“That I should get my fuel free.
The duty, neither just nor wise,
Compels me to economize—
Whereby my broilers, every one,
Are execrably underdone.
What would they have?—although I yearn
To do them nicely to a turn,
I can't afford an honest heat.
This tariff makes even devils cheat!
I'm ruined, and my humble trade
All rascals may at will invade:
Beneath my nose the public press
Outdoes me in sulphureousness;
The bar ingeniously applies
To my undoing my own lies;
My medicines the doctors use
(Albeit vainly) to refuse
To me my fair and rightful prey
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The preachers by example teach
What, scorning to perform, I preach;
And statesmen, aping me, all make
More promises than they can break.
Against such competition I
Lift up a disregarded cry.
Since all ignore my just complaint,
By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!”
Now, the Republicans, who all
Are saints, began at once to baw]
Against his competition; so
There was a devil of a go!
They locked horns with him, tête-à-tête
In acrimonious debate,
Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,
Had hopes of coming by their own.
That evil to avert, in haste
The two belligerents embraced;
But since 'twere wicked to relax
A tittle of the Sacred Tax,
'Twas finally agreed to grant
The bold Insurgent-protestant
A bounty on each soul that fell
Into his ineffectual Hell.
Edam Smith.
342
Tenacity, n.
[_]
A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to his accounting:
[Of such tenacity his grip]
Of such tenacity his gripThat nothing from his hand can slip.
Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm
In tubs of liquid slippery-elm
In vain—from his detaining pinch
They cannot struggle half an inch!
'Tis lucky that he so is planned
That breath he draws not with his hand,
For if he did, so great his greed
He'd draw his last with eager speed.
Nay, that were well, you say. Not so
He'd draw but never let it go!
346
Tortoise, n.
[_]
A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:
TO MY PET TORTOISE
My friend, you are not graceful—not at all;
Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.
Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.
Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's
To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.
To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.
As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep.
'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.
'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.
No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own,
A certain firmness—mostly you're backbone.
A certain firmness—mostly you're backbone.
Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews)
Are virtues that the great know how to use—
Are virtues that the great know how to use—
I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole,
You lack—excuse my mentioning it—Soul.
You lack—excuse my mentioning it—Soul.
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So, to be candid, unreserved and true,
I'd rather you were I than I were you.
I'd rather you were I than I were you.
Perhaps, however, in a time to be,
When Man's extinct, a better world may see
When Man's extinct, a better world may see
Your progeny in power and control,
Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.
Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.
So I salute you as a reptile grand
Predestined to regenerate the land.
Predestined to regenerate the land.
Father of Possibilities, O deign
To accept the homage of a dying reign!
To accept the homage of a dying reign!
In the far region of the unforeknown
I dream a tortoise upon every throne.
I dream a tortoise upon every throne.
I see an Emperor his head withdraw
Into his carapace for fear of Law;
Into his carapace for fear of Law;
A King who carries something else than fat,
Howe'er acceptably he carries that;
Howe'er acceptably he carries that;
A President not strenuously bent
On punishment of audible dissent—
On punishment of audible dissent—
Who never shot (it were a vain attack)
An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;
An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;
Subjects and citizens that feel no need
To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;
To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;
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All progress slow, contemplative, sedate,
And “Take your time” the word, in Church and State.
And “Take your time” the word, in Church and State.
O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream,
My glorious testudinous régime!
My glorious testudinous régime!
I wish in Eden you'd brought this about
By slouching in and chasing Adam out.
By slouching in and chasing Adam out.
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