 | The collected works of Ambrose Bierce |  |
62
D
Danger, n.
[A savage beast which, when it sleeps]
A savage beast which, when it sleeps,Man girds at and despises,
But takes himself away by leaps
And bounds when it arises.
Ambat Delaso.
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Dead, adj.
[Done with the work of breathing; done]
Done with the work of breathing; doneWith all the world; the mad race run
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Attained and found to be a hole!
Squatol Johnes.
Debt, n.
[As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet]
As, pent in an aquarium, the troutletSwims round and round his tank to find an outlet,
Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,
Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;
So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,
Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,
Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,
And finds at last he might as well have paid it.
Barlow S. Vode.
Decalogue, n.
[_]
A series of commandments, ten in number—just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.
[Thou shalt no God but me adore]
Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'Twere too expensive to have more.
'Twere too expensive to have more.
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No images nor idols make
For Robert Ingersoll to break.
For Robert Ingersoll to break.
Take not God's name in vain; select
A time when it will have effect.
A time when it will have effect.
Work not on Sabbath days at all,
But go to see the teams play ball.
But go to see the teams play ball.
Honor thy parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates.
For life insurance lower rates.
Kill not, abet not those who kill;
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.
Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress.
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress.
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.
Successfully in business. Cheat.
Bear not false witness—that is low—
But “hear 'tis rumored so and so.”
But “hear 'tis rumored so and so.”
Covet thou naught that thou hast not
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.
G. J.
Decide, v. i.
66
[A leaf was riven from a tree]
A leaf was riven from a tree,
“I mean to fall to earth,” said he.
“I mean to fall to earth,” said he.
The west wind, rising, made him veer.
“Eastward,” said he, “I now shall steer.”
“Eastward,” said he, “I now shall steer.”
The east wind rose with greater force.
Said he: “'Twere wise to change my course.”
Said he: “'Twere wise to change my course.”
With equal power they contend.
He said: “My judgment I suspend.”
He said: “My judgment I suspend.”
Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,
Cried: “I've decided to fall straight.”
Cried: “I've decided to fall straight.”
“First thoughts are best?” That's not the moral;
Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.
Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.
Howe'er your choice may chance to fall,
You'll have no hand in it at all.
You'll have no hand in it at all.
G. J.
68
Delusion, n.
[_]
The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters.
[All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee]
All hail, Delusion! Were it not for theeThe world turned topsy-turvy we should see;
For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,
Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances.
Mumfrey Mappel.
Deputy, n.
[_]
A male relative of an officeholder, or of his bondsman. The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud of dust.
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[“Chief Deputy,” the Master cried]
“Chief Deputy,” the Master cried,“To-day the books are to be tried
By experts and accountants who
Have been commissioned to go through
Our office here, to see if we
Have stolen injudiciously.
Please have the proper entries made,
The proper balances displayed,
Conforming to the whole amount
Of cash on hand—which they will count.
I've long admired your punctual way—
Here at the break and close of day,
Confronting in your chair the crowd
Of business men, whose voices loud
And gestures violent you quell
By some mysterious, calm spell—
Some magic lurking in your look
That brings the noisiest to book
And spreads a holy and profound
Tranquillity o'er all around.
So orderly all's done that they
Who came to draw remain to pay.
But now the time demands, at last,
That you employ your genius vast
In energies more active. Rise
And shake the lightnings from your eyes;
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Your spirit into everything!”
The Master's hand here dealt a whack
Upon the Deputy's bent back,
When straightway to the floor there fell
A shrunken globe, a rattling shell,
A blackened, withered, eyeless head!
The man had been a twelvemonth dead.
Jamrach Holobom.
Diary, n.
[Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ]
Hearst kept a diary wherein were writAll that he had of wisdom and of wit.
So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,
Erased all entries of his own and cried:
“I'll judge you by your diary.” Said Hearst:
“Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First”—
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That record from a pocket in his shroud.
The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er,
Each stupid line of which he knew before,
Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit
On shallow sentiment and stolen wit;
Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.
“My friend, you've wandered from your proper track:
You'd never be content this side the tomb—
For big ideas Heaven has little room,
And Hell's no latitude for making mirth,”
He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.
“The Mad Philosopher.”
Die, n.
72
[_]
The singular of “dice.” We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, “Never say die.” At long intervals, however, some one says: “The die is cast,” which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by the eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:
[A cube of cheese no larger than a die]
A cube of cheese no larger than a dieMay bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.
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Disobey, v. t.
[His right to govern me is clear as day]
His right to govern me is clear as day,My duty manifest to disobey;
And if that fit observance e'er I shut
May I and duty be alike undone.
Israfel Brown.
75
Duel, n.
[_]
A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.
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[That dueling's a gentlemanly vice]
That dueling's a gentlemanly viceI hold; and wish that it had been my lot
To live my life out in some favored spot—
Some country where it is considered nice
To split a rival like a fish, or slice
A husband like a spud, or with a shot
Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot
And ready to be put upon the ice.
Some miscreants there are, whom I do long
To shoot, or stab, or some such way reclaim
The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners,
I seem to see them now—a mighty throng.
It looks as if to challenge me they came,
Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!
Xamba Q. Dar.
77
Duty, n.
[Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court]
Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court,Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port.
His anger provoked him to take the king's head,
But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, Instead.
G. J.
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