 | The collected works of Ambrose Bierce |  |
I
Ichor, n.
146
[Fair Venus, speared by Diomed]
Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,Restrained the raging chief and said:
“Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled—
Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!”
Mary Doke.
147
Ignoramus, n.
[_]
A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.
[Dumble was an ignoramus]
Dumble was an ignoramus,Mumble was for learning famous.
Mumble said one day to Dumble:
“Ignorance should be more humble.
Not a spark have you of knowledge
That was got in any college.”
Dumble said to Mumble: “Truly
You're self-satisfied unduly.
Of things in college I'm denied
A knowledge—you of all beside.”
Borelli.
148
Immodest, adj.
[There was once a man in Ispahan]
There was once a man in Ispahan
Ever and ever so long ago,
And he had a head, the phrenologists said,
That fitted him for a show.
Ever and ever so long ago,
And he had a head, the phrenologists said,
That fitted him for a show.
For his modesty's bump was so large a lump
(Nature, they said, had taken a freak)
That its summit stood far above the wood
Of his hair, like a mountain peak.
(Nature, they said, had taken a freak)
That its summit stood far above the wood
Of his hair, like a mountain peak.
So modest a man in all Ispahan,
Over and over again they swore—
So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;
None ever was found before.
Over and over again they swore—
So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;
None ever was found before.
149
Meantime the hump of that awful bump
Into the heavens contrived to get
To so great a height that they called the wight
The man with a minaret.
Into the heavens contrived to get
To so great a height that they called the wight
The man with a minaret.
There wasn't a man in all Ispahan
Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:
With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung
He bragged of that beautiful bump
Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:
With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung
He bragged of that beautiful bump
Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page
Bearing a sack and a bow-string too,
And that gentle child explained as he smiled:
“A little present for you.”
Bearing a sack and a bow-string too,
And that gentle child explained as he smiled:
“A little present for you.”
The saddest man in all Ispahan,
Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.
“If I'd lived,” said he, “my humility
Had given me deathless fame!”
Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.
“If I'd lived,” said he, “my humility
Had given me deathless fame!”
Sukker Uffro.
150
Immortality, n.
[A toy which people cry for]
A toy which people cry for,And on their knees apply for,
Dispute, contend and lie for,
And if allowed
Would be right proud
Eternally to die for.
G. J.
152
Imposition, n.
[_]
The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of hands—a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.
[“Lo! by the laying on of hands,”]
“Lo! by the laying on of hands,”Say parson, priest and dervise,
“We consecrate your cash and lands
To ecclesiastic service.
No doubt you'll swear till all is blue
At such an imposition. Do.”
Pollo Doncas.
Improbability, n.
[His tale he told with a solemn face]
His tale he told with a solemn faceAnd a tender, melancholy grace.
Improbable 'twas, no doubt,
When you came to think it out,
But the fascinated crowd
Their deep surprise avowed
And all with a single voice averred
'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard—
All save one who spake never a word,
But sat as mum
As if deaf and dumb,
Serene, indifferent and unstirred.
153
And scrutinized him limb from limb—
Scanned him alive;
But he seemed to thrive
And tranquiler grow each minute,
As if there were nothing in it.
“What! what!” cried one, “are you not amazed
At what our friend has told?” He raised
Soberly then his eyes and gazed
In a natural way
And proceeded to say,
As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:
“O no—not at all; I'm a liar myself.”
155
Inauspiciously, adv.
[_]
In an unpromising manner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the flight of birds—the omens thence derived being called auspices. Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided that the word—always in the plural—shall mean “patronage” or “management”; as, “The festivities were under the auspices of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers”; or, “The hilarities were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger.”
[A Roman slave appeared one day]
A Roman slave appeared one dayBefore the Augur. “Tell me, pray,
If—” here the Augur, smiling, made
A checking gesture and displayed
His open palm, which plainly itched,
For visibly its surface twitched.
A denarius (the Latin nickel)
Successfully allayed the tickle,
And then the slave proceeded: “Please
156
Success or failure in what I
To-night (if it be dark) shall try.
Its nature? Never mind—I think
'Tis writ on this”—and with a wink
Which darkened half the earth, he drew
Another denarius to view,
Its shining face attentive scanned,
Then slipped it into the good man's hand,
Who with great gravity said: “Wait
While I retire to question Fate.”
That holy person then withdrew
His sacred clay and, passing through
The temple's rearward gate, cried “Shoo!”
Waving his robe of office. Straight
Each sacred peacock and its mate
(Maintained for Juno's favor) fled
With clamor from the trees o'erhead,
Where they were perching for the night.
The temple's roof received their flight,
For thither they would always go,
When danger threatened them below.
Back to the slave the Augur went:
“My son, forecasting the event
By flight of birds, I must confess
The auspices deny success.”
That slave retired, a sadder man,
Abandoning his secret plan—
Which was (as well the crafty seer
Had from the first divined) to clear
The wall and fraudulently seize
On Juno's poultry in the trees.
G. J.
160
Indifferent, adj.
[“You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio's wife]
“You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio's wife,“You've grown indifferent to all in life.”
“Indifferent?” he drawled with a slow smile;
“I would be, dear, but it is not worth while.”
Apuleius M. Gokul.
163
Infralapsarian, n.
164
[_]
One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to—in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about Adam.
[Two theologues once, as they wended their way]
Two theologues once, as they wended their wayTo chapel, engaged in colloquial fray—
An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,
Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.
“'Twas Predestination,” cried one—“for the Lord
Decreed he should fall of his own accord.”
“Not so—'twas Free will,” the other maintained,
“Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained.”
So fierce and so fiery grew the debate
That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate;
So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground
And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round.
Ere either had proved his theology right
By winning, or even beginning, the fight,
A gray old professor of Latin came by,
A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye,
And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still
As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill
Of foreordinational freedom of will)
Cried: “Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:
Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows.
The sects ye belong to—I'm ready to swear
Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear.
You—Infralapsarian son of a clown!—
Should only contend that Adam slipped down;
While you—you Supralapsarian pup!—
Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.”
165
You slip on a peel of banana brown.
Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,
But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!
G. J.
Ingrate, n.
[“All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic. “Nay,”]
“All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic. “Nay,”
The good philanthropist replied;
“I did great service to a man one day
Who never since has cursed me to repay,
Nor vilified.”
The good philanthropist replied;
“I did great service to a man one day
Who never since has cursed me to repay,
Nor vilified.”
“Ho!” cried the cynic, “lead me to him straight—
With veneration I am overcome,
And fain would have his blessing.” “Sad your fate—
He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state
The man is dumb.”
With veneration I am overcome,
And fain would have his blessing.” “Sad your fate—
He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state
The man is dumb.”
Ariel Selp.
167
Inscription, n.
168
[_]
Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See Epitaph.)
[In the sky my soul is found]
“In the sky my soul is found,And my body in the ground.
By and by my body'll rise
To my spirit in the skies,
Soaring up to Heaven's gate.
1878.”
“Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous.”
[Affliction sore long time she boar]
“Affliction sore long time she boar,Phisicians was in vain,
Till Deth released the dear deceased
And left her a remain.
Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss.”
[The clay that rests beneath this stone]
“The clay that rests beneath this stoneAs Silas Wood was widely known.
Now, lying here, I ask what good
It was to me to be S. Wood.
O Man, let not ambition trouble you,
Is the advice of Silas W.”
“Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874.”
169
Insectivora, n.
[“See,” cries the chorus of admiring preachers]
“See,” cries the chorus of admiring preachers,“How Providence provides for all His creatures!”
“His care,” the gnat said, “even the insects follows:
For us He has provided wrens and swallows.”
Sempen Railey.
172
Intimacy, n.
[Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue]
Two Seidlitz powders, one in blueAnd one in white, together drew,
And having each a pleasant sense
Of t'other powder's excellence,
Forsook their jackets for the snug
Enjoyment of a common mug.
So close their intimacy grew
One paper would have held the two.
To confidences straight they fell,
Less anxious each to hear than tell;
Then each remorsefully confessed
To all the virtues he possessed,
Acknowledging he had them in
So high degree it was a sin.
The more they said, the more they felt
Their spirits with emotion melt,
Till tears of sentiment expressed
Their feelings. Then they effervesced!
173
Of wrath on friends and sympathetes
The good old rule who won't apply,
That you are you and I am I.
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