 | The collected works of Ambrose Bierce |  |
E
Eavesdrop, v. i.
[A lady with one of her ears applied]
A lady with one of her ears appliedTo an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free—
The subject engaging them was she.
“I think,” said one, “and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!”
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
“I will not stay,” she said, with a pout,
“To hear my character lied about!”
Editor, n.
A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Æacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering its mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos.
[O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought]
O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought,A gilded impostor is he.
Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought,
His crown is brass,
Himself is an ass,
And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.
Prankily, crankily prating of naught,
Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought.
Public opinion's camp-follower he,
Thundering, blundering, plundering free.
Affected,
Ungracious,
Suspected,
Mendacious,
Respected contemporaree!
Egotist, n.
[Megaceph, chosen to serve the State]
Megaceph, chosen to serve the StateIn the halls of legislative debate,
One day with all his credentials came
To the capitol's door and announced his name.
The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist
Of the face, at the eminent egotist,
And said: “Go away, for we settle here
All manner of questions, knotty and queer,
And we cannot have, when the speaker demands
To be told how every member stands,
A man who to all things under the sky
Assents by eternally voting ‘I’.”
Elegy, n.
A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins somewhat like this:
[The cur foretells the knell of parting day]
The cur foretells the knell of parting day;The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea;
The wise man homeward plods; I only stay
To fiddle-faddle in a minor key.
Emancipation, n.
[He was a slave: at word he went and came]
He was a slave: at word he went and came;His iron collar cut him to the bone.
Then Liberty erased his owner's name,
Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.
End, n.
[The man was perishing apace]
Who played the tambourine:
The seal of death was on his face—
'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean.
In faint and failing tones.
A moment later he was dead,
And Tambourine was Bones.
Enough, pro.
[Enough is as good as a feast—for that matter]
Enough is as good as a feast—for that matterEnougher's as good as a feast and the platter.
Epitaph, n.
An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example:
[Here lie the bones of Parson Platt]
Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,Wise, pious, humble and all that,
Who showed us life as all should live it;
Let that be said—and God forgive it!
Erudition, n.
[So wide his erudition's mighty span]
So wide his erudition's mighty span,He knew Creation's origin and plan
And only came by accident to grief—
He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief.
Excess, n.
[Hail, high Excess—especially in wine]
Hail, high Excess—especially in wine.To thee in worship do I bend the knee
Who preach abstemiousness unto me—
My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.
Precept on precept, aye, and line on line,
Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree
With reason as thy touch, exact and free,
Upon my forehead and along my spine.
At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup,
With the hot grape I warm no more my wit;
When on thy stool of penitence I sit
I'm quite converted, for I can't get up.
Ungrateful he who afterward would falter
To make new sacrifices at thine altar!
Excommunication, n.
[This “excommunication” is a word]
This “excommunication” is a wordIn speech ecclesiastical oft heard,
And means the damning, with bell, book and candle,
Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal—
A rite permitting Satan to enslave him
Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.
Existence, n.
[A transient, horrible, fantastic dream]
A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:
From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge
Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: “O fudge!”
Experience, n.
The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
[To one who, journeying through night and fog]
To one who, journeying through night and fog,Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog,
Experience, like the rising of the dawn,
Reveals the path that he should not have gone.
| The collected works of Ambrose Bierce | |