 | The collected works of Ambrose Bierce |  |
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Abdication, n.
[Poor Isabella's dead, whose abdication]
Poor Isabella's dead, whose abdicationSet all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.
For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her:
She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.
To History she'll be no royal riddle—
Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.
Abracadabra.
[By Abracadabra we signify]
An infinite number of things.
'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?
And Whence? and Whither?—a word whereby
The Truth (with the comfort it brings)
Is open to all who grope in night,
Crying for Wisdom's holy light.
Is knowledge beyond my reach.
I only know that 'tis handed down
From sage to sage,
From age to age—
An immortal part of speech!
That he lived to be ten centuries old,
In a cave on a mountain side.
(True, he finally died.)
The fame of his wisdom filled the land,
For his head was bald, and you'll understand
His beard was long and white
And his eyes uncommonly bright.
To sit at his feet and hear and hear,
Though he never was heard
To utter a word
But “Abracadabra, abracadab,
Abracada, abracad,
Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!”
'Twas all he had,
'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each
Made copious notes of the mystical speech,
Which they published next—
A trickle of text
In a meadow of commentary.
Mighty big books were these,
In number, as leaves of trees;
In learning, remarkable—very!
As I said,
And the books of the sages have perished,
But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.
In Abracadabra it solemnly rings,
Like an ancient bell that forever swings.
O, I love to hear
That word make clear
Humanity's General Sense of Things.
Abscond, v. i.
[Spring beckons! All things to the call respond]
Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
Absent, adj.
Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilified; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.
[To men a man is but a mind. Who cares]
To men a man is but a mind. Who caresWhat face he carries or what form he wears?
But woman's body is the woman. O,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.
Abstainer, n.
A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
[Said a man to a crapulent youth: “I thought]
Said a man to a crapulent youth: “I thoughtYou a total abstainer, my son.”
“So I am, so I am,” said the scapegrace caught—
“But not, sir, a bigoted one.”
Accountability, n.
[“My accountability, bear in mind,”]
“My accountability, bear in mind,”Said the Grand Vizier: “Yes, yes,”
Said the Shah: “I do—'tis the only kind
Of ability you possess.”
Admonition, n.
[Consigned, by way of admonition]
Consigned, by way of admonition,His soul forever to perdition.
Advice, n.
[“The man was in such deep distress,”]
“The man was in such deep distress,”Said Tom, “that I could do no less
Than give him good advice.” Said Jim:
“If less could have been done for him
I know you well enough, my son,
To know that's what you would have done.”
Aim, n.
[“Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?”]
“Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?”She tenderly inquired.
“An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife;
The fact is—I have fired.”
Allah, n.
[Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept]
Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept,And ever for the sins of man have wept;
And sometimes kneeling in the temple I
Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.
Allegiance, n.
[This thing Allegiance, as I suppose]
This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,
Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.
Alone, adj.
[In contact, lo! the flint and steel]
In contact, lo! the flint and steel,By spark and flame, the thought reveal
That he the metal, she the stone,
Had cherished secretly alone.
Altar, n.
The place whereon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female fool.
[They stood before the altar and supplied]
They stood before the altar and suppliedThe fire themselves in which their fat was fried.
In vain the sacrifice!—no god will claim
An offering burnt with an unholy flame.
Anoint, v. t.
[As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood]
As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.
Aphorism, n.
[The flabby wine-skin of his brain]
The flabby wine-skin of his brainYields to some pathologic strain,
And voids from its unstored abysm
The driblet of an aphorism.
Apothecary, n.
[When Jove sent blessings to all men that are]
When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,
That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth
Disease for the apothecary's health,
Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:
“My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!”
Archbishop, n.
[If I were a jolly archbishop]
If I were a jolly archbishop,On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up—
Salmon and flounders and smelts;
On other days everything else.
Arsenic, n.
[“Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,”]
“Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,”Consenting, he did speak up;
“'Tis better you should eat it, pet,
Than put it in my teacup.”
Art, n.
This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S. J.
[One day a wag—what would the wretch be at?—]
One day a wag—what would the wretch be at?—Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT,
And said it was a god's name! Straight arose
Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows,
And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns,
And disputations dire that lamed their limbs)
To serve his temple and maintain the fires,
Expound the law, manipulate the wires.
Amazed, the populace the rites attend,
Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend,
And, inly edified to learn that two
Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do)
Have sweeter values and a grace more fit
Than Nature's hairs that never have been split,
Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts,
And sell their garments to support the priests.
Ass, n.
A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, lib. II., De Clem., and C. Stantatus, De Temperamente) if it is not a god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no small distinction. From what has been written about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and magnitude, rivaling that of the Shakspearean cult, and that which clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine.
[“Hail, holy Ass!” the quiring angels sing]
“Hail, holy Ass!” the quiring angels sing;“Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!
God made all else; the Mule, the Mule is thine!”
Avernus, n.
The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be an error.
[Facilis descensus Averni]
Facilis descensus Averni,The poet remarks; and the sense
Of it is that when down-hill I turn I
Will get more of punches than pence.
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