 | The collected works of Ambrose Bierce |  |
131
H
Hatchet, n.
[“O bury the hatchet, irascible Red]
“O bury the hatchet, irascible Red,For peace is a blessing,” the White Man said.
The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred,
With imposing rites, in the White Man's head.
John Lukkus.
132
Head-Money, n.
[In ancient times there lived a king]
In ancient times there lived a kingWhose tax-collectors could not wring
From all his subjects gold enough
To make the royal way less rough.
For pleasure's highway, like the dames
Whose premises adjoin it, claims
Perpetual repairing. So
The tax-collectors in a row
Appeared before the throne to pray
Their master to devise some way
To swell the revenue. “So great,”
Said they, “are the demands of state
A tithe of all that we collect
Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect:
How, if one-tenth we must resign,
Can we exist on t'other nine?”
The monarch asked them in reply:
“Has it occurred to you to try
The advantage of economy?”
“It has,” the spokesman said: “we sold
All of our gay garrotes of gold;
With plated-ware we now compress
The necks of those whom we assess.
Plain iron forceps we employ
To mitigate the miser's joy
Who hoards, with greed that never tires,
That which your Majesty requires.”
Deep lines of thought were seen to plow
Their way across the royal brow.
133
Pray favor me with a suggestion.”
“O King of Men,” the spokesman said,
“If you'll impose upon each head
A tax, the augmented revenue
We'll cheerfully divide with you.”
As flashes of the sun illume
The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom,
The king smiled grimly. “I decree
That it be so—and, not to be
In generosity outdone,
Declare you, each and every one,
Exempted from the operation
Of this new law of capitation.
But lest the people censure me
Because they're bound and you are free,
'Twere well some clever scheme were laid
By you this poll-tax to evade.
I'll leave you now while you confer
With my most trusted minister.”
The monarch from the throne-room walked
And straightway in among them stalked
A silent man, with brow concealed,
Bare-armed—his gleaming axe revealed!
G. J.
135
Heat, n.
[Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode]
Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a modeOf motion, but I know now how he's proving
His point; but this I know—hot words bestowed
With skill will set the human fist a-moving,
And where it stops the stars burn free and wild.
Crede expertum—I have seen them, child.
Gorton Swope.
Heathen, n.
[_]
A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens.
[“The Hebrews are heathens!” says Howison. He's]
“The Hebrews are heathens!” says Howison. He's
A Christian philosopher. I'm
A scurril agnostical chap, if you please,
Addicted too much to the crime
Of religious discussion in rhyme.
A Christian philosopher. I'm
A scurril agnostical chap, if you please,
Addicted too much to the crime
Of religious discussion in rhyme.
Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree
On a modus vivendi—not they!—
Yet Heaven has had the designing of me,
And I haven't been reared in a way
To joy in the thick of the fray.
On a modus vivendi—not they!—
Yet Heaven has had the designing of me,
And I haven't been reared in a way
To joy in the thick of the fray.
For this of my creed is the soul and the gist,
And the truth of it I aver:
Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist,
An 'ite, an 'ic, or an 'er—
And I'm down upon him or her!
And the truth of it I aver:
Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist,
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And I'm down upon him or her!
Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin
Toleration—that's all very well,
But a roast is “nuts” to his nostril thin,
And he's running—I know by the smell—
A secret and personal Hell!
Toleration—that's all very well,
But a roast is “nuts” to his nostril thin,
And he's running—I know by the smell—
A secret and personal Hell!
Bissell Gip.
Helpmate, n.
[“Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?”]
“Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?”
Says the priest. “Since the time o' yer wooin'
She's niver assisted in what ye were at—
For it's naught ye are ever doin'.”
Says the priest. “Since the time o' yer wooin'
She's niver assisted in what ye were at—
For it's naught ye are ever doin'.”
“That's true of yer Riverence,” Patrick replies,
And no sign of contrition evinces;
“But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies,
For she helps to mate the expinses!”
And no sign of contrition evinces;
“But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies,
For she helps to mate the expinses!”
Marley Wottel.
138
History, n.
[_]
An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.
[Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown]
Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known,
Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide,
Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.
Salder Bupp.
140
Homiletics, n.
[_]
The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.
[So skilled the parson was in homiletics]
So skilled the parson was in homileticsThat all his moral purges and emetics
To medicine the spirit were compounded
With a most just discrimination founded
Upon a rigorous examination
Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration.
Then, having diagnosed each one's condition,
His scriptural specifics this physician
Administered—his pills so efficacious
And pukes of disposition so vivacious
That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam
Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em.
But Slander's tongue—itself all coated—uttered
Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered
That in the case of patients having money
The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey.
Biography of Bishop Potter.
141
Hope, n.
[Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left]
Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left—Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft;
When even his dog deserts him, and his goat
With tranquil disaffection chews his coat
While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou,
The star far-flaming on thine angel brow,
Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint
The promise of a clerkship in the Mint.
Fogarty Weffing.
142
Hovel, n.
[Twaddle had a hovel]
Twaddle had a hovel,
Twiddle had a palace;
Twaddle said; “I'll grovel
Or he'll think I bear him malice”—
A sentiment as novel
As a castor on a chalice.
Twiddle had a palace;
143
Or he'll think I bear him malice”—
A sentiment as novel
As a castor on a chalice.
Down upon the middle
Of his legs fell Twaddle
And astonished Mr. Twiddle,
Who began to lift his noddle,
Feed upon the fiddle-
Faddle flummery, unswaddle
A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a model.
Of his legs fell Twaddle
And astonished Mr. Twiddle,
Who began to lift his noddle,
Feed upon the fiddle-
Faddle flummery, unswaddle
A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a model.
G. J.
Humorist, n.
[_]
A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.
[Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind]
Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mindSee jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined—
Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray,
His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day.
He thinks, admitted to an equal sty,
A graceful hog would bear his company.
Alexander Poke.
144
Hypochondriasis, n.
[Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot]
Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lotWhere long the village rubbish had been shot
145
“Hypochondriasis.” It meant The Dumps.
Bogul S. Purvy.
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