 | The collected works of Ambrose Bierce |  |
G
Gallows, n.
113
[_]
A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it.
[Whether on the gallows high]
Whether on the gallows highOr where blood flows the reddest,
The noblest place for man to die—
Is where he died the deadest.
Old Play.
114
Genteel, adj.
[Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal]
Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal:A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel.
Heed not the definitions your “Unabridged” presents,
For dictionary makers are generally gents.
G. J.
Geographer, n.
[Habeam, geographer of wide renown]
Habeam, geographer of wide renown,Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town,
In passing thence along the river Zam
To the adjacent village of Xelam,
Bewildered by the multitude of roads,
Got lost, lived long on migratory toads,
Then from exposure miserably died,
And grateful travelers bewailed their guide.
Henry Haukhorn.
115
Ghost, n.
[He saw a ghost]
He saw a ghost.It occupied—that dismal thing!—
The path that he was following.
Before he'd time to stop and fly,
An earthquake trifled with the eye
That saw a ghost.
He fell as fall the early good;
Unmoved that awful vision stood.
The stars that danced before his ken
He wildly brushed away, and then
He saw a post.
Jared Macphester.
119
Gnu, n.
[_]
An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone.
[A hunter from Kew caught a distant view]
A hunter from Kew caught a distant viewOf a peacefully meditative gnu,
And he said: “I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue
In its blood at a closer interview.”
But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw
O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew;
And he said as he flew: “It is well I withdrew
Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew
That really meritorious gnu.”
Jarn Leffer.
120
Gorgon, n.
[The Gorgon was a maiden bold]
The Gorgon was a maiden boldWho turned to stone the Greeks of old
That looked upon her awful brow.
We dig them out of ruins now,
And swear that workmanship so bad
Proves all the ancient sculptors mad.
121
Grape, n.
[Hail noble fruit!—by Homer sung]
Hail noble fruit!—by Homer sung,
Anacreon and Khayyam;
Thy praise is ever on the tongue
Of better men than I am.
Anacreon and Khayyam;
Thy praise is ever on the tongue
Of better men than I am.
The lyre my hand has never swept,
The song I cannot offer:
My humbler service pray accept—
I'll help to kill the scoffer.
The song I cannot offer:
My humbler service pray accept—
I'll help to kill the scoffer.
The water-drinkers and the cranks
Who load their skins with liquor—
I'll gladly bare their belly-tanks
And tap them with my sticker.
Who load their skins with liquor—
I'll gladly bare their belly-tanks
And tap them with my sticker.
122
Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools
When e'er we let the wine rest.
Here's death to Prohibition's fools,
And every kind of vine-pest!
When e'er we let the wine rest.
Here's death to Prohibition's fools,
And every kind of vine-pest!
Jamrach Holobom.
Grave, n.
[Beside a lonely grave I stood]
Beside a lonely grave I stood—
With brambles 'twas encumbered;
The winds were moaning in the wood,
Unheard by him who slumbered.
With brambles 'twas encumbered;
The winds were moaning in the wood,
Unheard by him who slumbered.
A rustic standing near, I said:
“He cannot hear it blowing!”
“'Course not,” said he: “the feller's dead—
He can't hear nowt that's going.”
“He cannot hear it blowing!”
“'Course not,” said he: “the feller's dead—
He can't hear nowt that's going.”
“Too true,” I said; “alas, too true—
No sound his sense can quicken!”
“Well, mister, wot is that to you?—
The deadster ain't a-kickin'.”
No sound his sense can quicken!”
“Well, mister, wot is that to you?—
The deadster ain't a-kickin'.”
I knelt and prayed: “O Father, smile
On him, and mercy show him!”
That countryman looked on the while,
And said: “Ye didn't know him.”
On him, and mercy show him!”
That countryman looked on the while,
And said: “Ye didn't know him.”
Pobeter Dunk.
123
Great, adj.
[“I'm great,” the Lion said—I reign]
“I'm great,” the Lion said—“I reign
The monarch of the wood and plain!”
The monarch of the wood and plain!”
The Elephant replied: “I'm great—
No quadruped can match my weight!”
No quadruped can match my weight!”
“I'm great—no animal has half
So long a neck!” said the Giraffe.
So long a neck!” said the Giraffe.
“I'm great,” the Kangaroo said—“see
My femoral muscularity!”
My femoral muscularity!”
The 'Possum said: “I'm great—behold,
My tail is lithe and bald and cold!”
My tail is lithe and bald and cold!”
An Oyster fried was understood
To say: “I'm great because I'm good!”
To say: “I'm great because I'm good!”
Each reckons greatness to consist
In that in which he heads the list,
In that in which he heads the list,
124
And Vierick thinks he tops his class
Because he is the greatest ass.
Because he is the greatest ass.
Arion Spurl Doke.
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