 | The collected works of Ambrose Bierce |  |
O
Old, adj.
In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, as an old man. Discredited by lapse of time and offensive to the popular taste, as an old book.
[“Old books? The devil take them!” Goby said]
“Old books? The devil take them!” Goby said.“Fresh every day must be my books and bread.”
Nature herself approves the Goby rule
And gives us every moment a fresh fool.
Olympian, adj.
Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his appetite.
[His name the smirking tourist scrawls]
His name the smirking tourist scrawlsUpon Minerva's temple walls,
Where thundered once Olympian Zeus,
And marks his appetite's abuse.
Opera, n.
A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word simulation is from simia, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for his model Simia audibilis (or Pithecanthropos stentor)—the ape that howls.
[The actor apes a man—at least in shape]
The actor apes a man—at least in shape;The opera performer apes an ape.
Oppose, v.
[How lonely he who thinks to vex]
How lonely he who thinks to vexWith badinage the Solemn Sex!
Of levity, Mere Man, beware;
None but the Grave deserve the Unfair.
Orthography, n.
The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be conceded hereafter.
[A spelling reformer indicted]
A spelling reformer indictedFor fudge was before the court cicted.
The judge said: “Enough—
His candle we'll snough,
And his sepulchre shall not be whicted.”
Out-of-Doors, n.
That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.
[I climbed to the top of a mountain one day]
To see the sun setting in glory,
And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray,
Of a perfectly splendid story.
Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested;
Then the man would carry him miles on the road
Till Neddy was pretty well rested.
Of the hills to the east of my station
Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west
Like a visible new creation.
Of an idle young woman who tarried
About a church-door for a look at the bride,
Although 'twas herself that was married.
Ideas—with thought and emotion.
I pity the dunces who don't understand
The speech of earth, heaven and ocean.
Ovation, n.
In ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser “triumph.” In modern English the word is improperly used to signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the hero of the hour and place.
[“I had an ovation!” the actor man said]
But I thought it uncommonly queer,
That people and critics by him had been led
By the ear.
Assertion as plain as a peg;
In “ovum” we find the true root of the word.
It means egg.
Overeat, v.
[Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess]
Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess,Well skilled to overeat without distress!
Thy great invention, the unfatal feast,
Shows Man's superiority to Beast.
| The collected works of Ambrose Bierce | |