 | The collected works of Ambrose Bierce |  |
C
Carmelite, n.
[As Death was a-riding out one day]
Across Mount Carmel he took his way,
Where he met a mendicant monk,
Some three or four quarters drunk,
With a holy leer and a pious grin,
Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,
Who held out his hands and cried:
“Give, give in Charity's name, I pray.
Give in the name of the Church. O give,
Give that her holy sons may live!”
And Death replied,
Smiling long and wide:
“I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee—a ride.”
Of his bones, he sprang
From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear;
By the neck and the foot
Seized the fellow, and put
Him astride with his face to the rear.
Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell:
“Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say,
Will ride to the devil!”—and thump
Fell the flat of his dart on the rump
Of the charger, which galloped away.
Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew
By the road were dim and blended and blue
To the wild, wide eyes
Of the rider—in size
Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh
At a burial service spoiled,
And the mourners' intentions foiled
By the body erecting
Its head and objecting
To further proceedings in its behalf.
Have passed since these events away.
The monk has long been a dusty corse,
And Death has never recovered his horse.
For the friar got hold of its tail,
And steered it within the pale
Of the monastery gray,
Where the beast was stabled and fed
With barley and oil and bread
Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar,
And so in due course was appointed Prior.
Cat, n.
A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
[This is a dog]
This is a dog,This is a cat,
This is a frog,
This is a rat.
Run, dog, mew, cat,
Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.
Cemetery, n.
An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian games:
His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here commemorated by his family, who shared them.
[In the earth we here prepare a]
In the earth we here prepare aPlace to lay our little Clara.
Christian, n.
One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
[I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!]
I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!The godly multitudes walked to and fro
Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad,
With pious mien, appropriately sad,
While all the church bells made a solemn din—
A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin.
Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below,
With tranquil face, upon that holy show
A tall, spare figure in a robe of white,
Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light.
No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar;
And yet I entertain the hope that you,
Like these good people, are a Christian too.”
He raised his eyes and with a look so stern
It made me with a thousand blushes burn
Replied—his manner with disdain was spiced:
“What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ.”
Clock, n.
A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
[A busy man complained one day]
A busy man complained one day:“I get no time!” “What's that you say?”
Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz;
“You have, sir, all the time there is.
There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it—
We're never for an hour without it.”
Close-fisted, adj.
[“Close-fisted Scotchman!” Johnson cried]
To thrifty J. Macpherson;
“See me—I'm ready to divide
With any worthy person.”
The boast requires no backing;
And all are worthy, sir, to you,
Who have what you are lacking.”
Cœnobite, n.
A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples.
[O Cœnobite, O cœnobite]
O Cœnobite, O cœnobite,Monastical gregarian,
You differ from the anchorite,
That solitudinarian:
With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick;
With dropping shots he makes him sick.
Commonwealth, n.
An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient.
[This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view]
This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view,So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew
Of clerks, pages, porters and all attachés
Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays
That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins
Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins.
On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all,
Misfortune attend and disaster befall!
May life be to them a succession of hurts;
May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts;
May aches and diseases encamp in their bones,
Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones;
May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest,
And tapeworms securely their bowels digest;
May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair,
And frequent impalement their pleasure impair.
Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse
Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse,
By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors—
The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores!
Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin!
Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin,
Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in.
Controversy, n.
A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.
[In controversy with the facile tongue]
In controversy with the facile tongue—That bloodless warfare of the old and young—
So seek your adversary to engage
That on himself he shall exhaust his rage,
And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground,
With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound.
Adopt his own opinions, one by one,
And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath
He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path.
Advance then gently all you wish to prove,
Each proposition prefaced with, “As you've
So well remarked,” or, “As you wisely say,
And I cannot dispute,” or, “By the way,
This view of it which, better far expressed,
Runs through your argument.” Then leave the rest
To him, secure that he'll perform his trust
And prove your views intelligent and just.
Corporal, n.
[Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell]
Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell,Our corporal heroically fell!
Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl
And said: “He hadn't very far to fall.”
Critic, n.
[There is a land of pure delight]
Beyond the Jordan's flood,
Where saints, apparelled all in white,
Fling back the critic's mud.
His pelt a sable hue,
He sorrows sore to recognize
The missiles that he threw.
Cross, n.
An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity, but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been believed to be identical with the crux ansata of the ancient phallic worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, to the rites of primitive peoples. We have to-day the White Cross as a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following:
[“Be good, be good!” the sisterhood]
Cry out in holy chorus,
And, to dissuade from sin, parade
Their various charms before us.
Seen her of winsome manner
And youthful grace and pretty face
Flaunting the White Cross banner?
To better our behaving?
A simpler plan for saving man
(But, first, is he worth saving?)
From bad thoughts that beset him,
Ignores the Law as 't were a straw,
And wants to sin—don't let him.
| The collected works of Ambrose Bierce | |