 | The collected works of Ambrose Bierce |  |
7. VOLUME VII THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
A
Abdication, n.
[Poor Isabella's dead, whose abdication]
Poor Isabella's dead, whose abdicationSet all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.
For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her:
She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.
To History she'll be no royal riddle—
Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.
Abracadabra.
[By Abracadabra we signify]
An infinite number of things.
'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?
And Whence? and Whither?—a word whereby
The Truth (with the comfort it brings)
Is open to all who grope in night,
Crying for Wisdom's holy light.
Is knowledge beyond my reach.
I only know that 'tis handed down
From sage to sage,
From age to age—
An immortal part of speech!
That he lived to be ten centuries old,
In a cave on a mountain side.
(True, he finally died.)
The fame of his wisdom filled the land,
For his head was bald, and you'll understand
His beard was long and white
And his eyes uncommonly bright.
To sit at his feet and hear and hear,
Though he never was heard
To utter a word
But “Abracadabra, abracadab,
Abracada, abracad,
Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!”
'Twas all he had,
'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each
Made copious notes of the mystical speech,
Which they published next—
A trickle of text
In a meadow of commentary.
Mighty big books were these,
In number, as leaves of trees;
In learning, remarkable—very!
As I said,
And the books of the sages have perished,
But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.
In Abracadabra it solemnly rings,
Like an ancient bell that forever swings.
O, I love to hear
That word make clear
Humanity's General Sense of Things.
Abscond, v. i.
[Spring beckons! All things to the call respond]
Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
Absent, adj.
Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilified; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.
[To men a man is but a mind. Who cares]
To men a man is but a mind. Who caresWhat face he carries or what form he wears?
But woman's body is the woman. O,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.
Abstainer, n.
A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
[Said a man to a crapulent youth: “I thought]
Said a man to a crapulent youth: “I thoughtYou a total abstainer, my son.”
“So I am, so I am,” said the scapegrace caught—
“But not, sir, a bigoted one.”
Accountability, n.
[“My accountability, bear in mind,”]
“My accountability, bear in mind,”Said the Grand Vizier: “Yes, yes,”
Said the Shah: “I do—'tis the only kind
Of ability you possess.”
Admonition, n.
[Consigned, by way of admonition]
Consigned, by way of admonition,His soul forever to perdition.
Advice, n.
[“The man was in such deep distress,”]
“The man was in such deep distress,”Said Tom, “that I could do no less
Than give him good advice.” Said Jim:
“If less could have been done for him
I know you well enough, my son,
To know that's what you would have done.”
Aim, n.
[“Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?”]
“Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?”She tenderly inquired.
“An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife;
The fact is—I have fired.”
Allah, n.
[Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept]
Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept,And ever for the sins of man have wept;
And sometimes kneeling in the temple I
Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.
Allegiance, n.
[This thing Allegiance, as I suppose]
This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,
Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.
Alone, adj.
[In contact, lo! the flint and steel]
In contact, lo! the flint and steel,By spark and flame, the thought reveal
That he the metal, she the stone,
Had cherished secretly alone.
Altar, n.
The place whereon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female fool.
[They stood before the altar and supplied]
They stood before the altar and suppliedThe fire themselves in which their fat was fried.
In vain the sacrifice!—no god will claim
An offering burnt with an unholy flame.
Anoint, v. t.
[As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood]
As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.
Aphorism, n.
[The flabby wine-skin of his brain]
The flabby wine-skin of his brainYields to some pathologic strain,
And voids from its unstored abysm
The driblet of an aphorism.
Apothecary, n.
[When Jove sent blessings to all men that are]
When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,
That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth
Disease for the apothecary's health,
Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:
“My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!”
Archbishop, n.
[If I were a jolly archbishop]
If I were a jolly archbishop,On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up—
Salmon and flounders and smelts;
On other days everything else.
Arsenic, n.
[“Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,”]
“Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,”Consenting, he did speak up;
“'Tis better you should eat it, pet,
Than put it in my teacup.”
Art, n.
This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S. J.
[One day a wag—what would the wretch be at?—]
One day a wag—what would the wretch be at?—Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT,
And said it was a god's name! Straight arose
Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows,
And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns,
And disputations dire that lamed their limbs)
To serve his temple and maintain the fires,
Expound the law, manipulate the wires.
Amazed, the populace the rites attend,
Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend,
And, inly edified to learn that two
Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do)
Have sweeter values and a grace more fit
Than Nature's hairs that never have been split,
Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts,
And sell their garments to support the priests.
Ass, n.
A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, lib. II., De Clem., and C. Stantatus, De Temperamente) if it is not a god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no small distinction. From what has been written about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and magnitude, rivaling that of the Shakspearean cult, and that which clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine.
[“Hail, holy Ass!” the quiring angels sing]
“Hail, holy Ass!” the quiring angels sing;“Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!
God made all else; the Mule, the Mule is thine!”
Avernus, n.
The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be an error.
[Facilis descensus Averni]
Facilis descensus Averni,The poet remarks; and the sense
Of it is that when down-hill I turn I
Will get more of punches than pence.
B
Babe or Baby, n.
A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being preserved on a floating lotus leaf.
[Ere babes were invented]
Ere babes were inventedThe girls were contented.
Now man is tormented
Until to buy babes he has squandered
His money. And so I have pondered
This thing, and thought may be
'T were better that Baby
The First had been eagled or condored.
Bacchus, n.
[Is public worship, then, a sin]
Is public worship, then, a sin,That for devotions paid to Bacchus
The lictors dare to run us in,
And resolutely thump and whack us?
Baptism, n.
A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways—by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling.
[But whether the plan of immersion]
But whether the plan of immersionIs better than simple aspersion
Let those immersed
And those aspersed
Decide by the Authorized Version,
And by matching their agues tertian.
Bath, n.
A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.
[The man who taketh a steam bath]
The man who taketh a steam bathHe loseth all the skin he hath,
And, for he's boiled a brilliant red,
Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed,
Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling
With dirty vapors of the boiling.
Beg, v.
[Who is that, father?]
Who is that, father?Haggard, morose, and unaffable—wild!
See how he glares through the bars of his cell!
With Citizen Mendicant all is not well.
Obeying his belly he struck at the laws.
A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy.
No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry
Was “Bread!” ever “Bread!”
To beg was unlawful—improper as well.
But men said: “Get out!” and the State remarked: “Scat!”
I mention these incidents merely to show
That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low.
Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou,
But for trifles—
And tuck out the belly that clung to his back.
They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to—well,
The company's better than here we can boast,
And there's—
Behavior, n.
Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach Holobom's translation of the following lines in the Dies Iræ:
[Recordare, Jesu pie]
Quod sum causa tuæ viæ.
Ne me perdas illa die.
Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your
Death-blow. Pardon such behavior.
Benedictines, n.
[She thought it a crow, but it turned out to be]
She thought it a crow, but it turned out to beA monk of St. Benedict croaking a text.
“Here's one of an order of cooks,” said she—
“Black friars in this world, fried black in the next.”
Berenice's Hair, n.
A constellation (Coma Berenices) named in honor of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband.
[Her locks an ancient lady gave]
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men—they honored so the dame—
Upon some stars bestowed her name.
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.
Body-snatcher, n.
A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. The hyena.
[“One night,” a doctor said, “last fall]
I and my comrades, four in all,
When visiting a graveyard stood
Within the shadow of a wall.
We saw a wild hyena slink
About a new-made grave, and then
Begin to excavate its brink!
A sally from our ambuscade,
And, falling on the unholy beast,
Dispatched him with a pick and spade.”
Brahma, n.
He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva—a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of the Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never naughty.
[O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity]
O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity,First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,
You sit there so calm and securely,
With feet folded up so demurely—
You're the First Person Singular, surely.
C
Carmelite, n.
[As Death was a-riding out one day]
Across Mount Carmel he took his way,
Where he met a mendicant monk,
Some three or four quarters drunk,
With a holy leer and a pious grin,
Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,
Who held out his hands and cried:
“Give, give in Charity's name, I pray.
Give in the name of the Church. O give,
Give that her holy sons may live!”
And Death replied,
Smiling long and wide:
“I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee—a ride.”
Of his bones, he sprang
From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear;
By the neck and the foot
Seized the fellow, and put
Him astride with his face to the rear.
Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell:
“Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say,
Will ride to the devil!”—and thump
Fell the flat of his dart on the rump
Of the charger, which galloped away.
Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew
By the road were dim and blended and blue
To the wild, wide eyes
Of the rider—in size
Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh
At a burial service spoiled,
And the mourners' intentions foiled
By the body erecting
Its head and objecting
To further proceedings in its behalf.
Have passed since these events away.
The monk has long been a dusty corse,
And Death has never recovered his horse.
For the friar got hold of its tail,
And steered it within the pale
Of the monastery gray,
Where the beast was stabled and fed
With barley and oil and bread
Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar,
And so in due course was appointed Prior.
Cat, n.
A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
[This is a dog]
This is a dog,This is a cat,
This is a frog,
This is a rat.
Run, dog, mew, cat,
Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.
Cemetery, n.
An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian games:
His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here commemorated by his family, who shared them.
[In the earth we here prepare a]
In the earth we here prepare aPlace to lay our little Clara.
Christian, n.
One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
[I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!]
I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!The godly multitudes walked to and fro
Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad,
With pious mien, appropriately sad,
While all the church bells made a solemn din—
A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin.
Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below,
With tranquil face, upon that holy show
A tall, spare figure in a robe of white,
Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light.
No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar;
And yet I entertain the hope that you,
Like these good people, are a Christian too.”
He raised his eyes and with a look so stern
It made me with a thousand blushes burn
Replied—his manner with disdain was spiced:
“What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ.”
Clock, n.
A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
[A busy man complained one day]
A busy man complained one day:“I get no time!” “What's that you say?”
Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz;
“You have, sir, all the time there is.
There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it—
We're never for an hour without it.”
Close-fisted, adj.
[“Close-fisted Scotchman!” Johnson cried]
To thrifty J. Macpherson;
“See me—I'm ready to divide
With any worthy person.”
The boast requires no backing;
And all are worthy, sir, to you,
Who have what you are lacking.”
Cœnobite, n.
A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples.
[O Cœnobite, O cœnobite]
O Cœnobite, O cœnobite,Monastical gregarian,
You differ from the anchorite,
That solitudinarian:
With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick;
With dropping shots he makes him sick.
Commonwealth, n.
An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient.
[This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view]
This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view,So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew
Of clerks, pages, porters and all attachés
Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays
That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins
Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins.
On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all,
Misfortune attend and disaster befall!
May life be to them a succession of hurts;
May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts;
May aches and diseases encamp in their bones,
Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones;
May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest,
And tapeworms securely their bowels digest;
May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair,
And frequent impalement their pleasure impair.
Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse
Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse,
By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors—
The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores!
Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin!
Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin,
Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in.
Controversy, n.
A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.
[In controversy with the facile tongue]
In controversy with the facile tongue—That bloodless warfare of the old and young—
So seek your adversary to engage
That on himself he shall exhaust his rage,
And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground,
With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound.
Adopt his own opinions, one by one,
And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath
He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path.
Advance then gently all you wish to prove,
Each proposition prefaced with, “As you've
So well remarked,” or, “As you wisely say,
And I cannot dispute,” or, “By the way,
This view of it which, better far expressed,
Runs through your argument.” Then leave the rest
To him, secure that he'll perform his trust
And prove your views intelligent and just.
Corporal, n.
[Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell]
Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell,Our corporal heroically fell!
Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl
And said: “He hadn't very far to fall.”
Critic, n.
[There is a land of pure delight]
Beyond the Jordan's flood,
Where saints, apparelled all in white,
Fling back the critic's mud.
His pelt a sable hue,
He sorrows sore to recognize
The missiles that he threw.
Cross, n.
An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity, but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been believed to be identical with the crux ansata of the ancient phallic worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, to the rites of primitive peoples. We have to-day the White Cross as a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following:
[“Be good, be good!” the sisterhood]
Cry out in holy chorus,
And, to dissuade from sin, parade
Their various charms before us.
Seen her of winsome manner
And youthful grace and pretty face
Flaunting the White Cross banner?
To better our behaving?
A simpler plan for saving man
(But, first, is he worth saving?)
From bad thoughts that beset him,
Ignores the Law as 't were a straw,
And wants to sin—don't let him.
D
Danger, n.
[A savage beast which, when it sleeps]
A savage beast which, when it sleeps,Man girds at and despises,
But takes himself away by leaps
And bounds when it arises.
Dead, adj.
[Done with the work of breathing; done]
Done with the work of breathing; doneWith all the world; the mad race run
Attained and found to be a hole!
Debt, n.
[As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet]
As, pent in an aquarium, the troutletSwims round and round his tank to find an outlet,
Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,
Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;
So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,
Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,
Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,
And finds at last he might as well have paid it.
Decalogue, n.
A series of commandments, ten in number—just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.
[Thou shalt no God but me adore]
'Twere too expensive to have more.
For Robert Ingersoll to break.
A time when it will have effect.
But go to see the teams play ball.
For life insurance lower rates.
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress.
Successfully in business. Cheat.
But “hear 'tis rumored so and so.”
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.
Decide, v. i.
[A leaf was riven from a tree]
“I mean to fall to earth,” said he.
“Eastward,” said he, “I now shall steer.”
Said he: “'Twere wise to change my course.”
He said: “My judgment I suspend.”
Cried: “I've decided to fall straight.”
Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.
You'll have no hand in it at all.
Delusion, n.
The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters.
[All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee]
All hail, Delusion! Were it not for theeThe world turned topsy-turvy we should see;
For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,
Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances.
Deputy, n.
A male relative of an officeholder, or of his bondsman. The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud of dust.
[“Chief Deputy,” the Master cried]
“Chief Deputy,” the Master cried,“To-day the books are to be tried
By experts and accountants who
Have been commissioned to go through
Our office here, to see if we
Have stolen injudiciously.
Please have the proper entries made,
The proper balances displayed,
Conforming to the whole amount
Of cash on hand—which they will count.
I've long admired your punctual way—
Here at the break and close of day,
Confronting in your chair the crowd
Of business men, whose voices loud
And gestures violent you quell
By some mysterious, calm spell—
Some magic lurking in your look
That brings the noisiest to book
And spreads a holy and profound
Tranquillity o'er all around.
So orderly all's done that they
Who came to draw remain to pay.
But now the time demands, at last,
That you employ your genius vast
In energies more active. Rise
And shake the lightnings from your eyes;
Your spirit into everything!”
The Master's hand here dealt a whack
Upon the Deputy's bent back,
When straightway to the floor there fell
A shrunken globe, a rattling shell,
A blackened, withered, eyeless head!
The man had been a twelvemonth dead.
Diary, n.
[Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ]
Hearst kept a diary wherein were writAll that he had of wisdom and of wit.
So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,
Erased all entries of his own and cried:
“I'll judge you by your diary.” Said Hearst:
“Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First”—
That record from a pocket in his shroud.
The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er,
Each stupid line of which he knew before,
Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit
On shallow sentiment and stolen wit;
Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.
“My friend, you've wandered from your proper track:
You'd never be content this side the tomb—
For big ideas Heaven has little room,
And Hell's no latitude for making mirth,”
He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.
Die, n.
The singular of “dice.” We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, “Never say die.” At long intervals, however, some one says: “The die is cast,” which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by the eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:
[A cube of cheese no larger than a die]
A cube of cheese no larger than a dieMay bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.
Disobey, v. t.
[His right to govern me is clear as day]
His right to govern me is clear as day,My duty manifest to disobey;
And if that fit observance e'er I shut
May I and duty be alike undone.
Duel, n.
A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.
[That dueling's a gentlemanly vice]
That dueling's a gentlemanly viceI hold; and wish that it had been my lot
To live my life out in some favored spot—
Some country where it is considered nice
To split a rival like a fish, or slice
A husband like a spud, or with a shot
Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot
And ready to be put upon the ice.
Some miscreants there are, whom I do long
To shoot, or stab, or some such way reclaim
The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners,
I seem to see them now—a mighty throng.
It looks as if to challenge me they came,
Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!
Duty, n.
[Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court]
Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court,Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port.
His anger provoked him to take the king's head,
But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, Instead.
E
Eavesdrop, v. i.
[A lady with one of her ears applied]
A lady with one of her ears appliedTo an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free—
The subject engaging them was she.
“I think,” said one, “and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!”
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
“I will not stay,” she said, with a pout,
“To hear my character lied about!”
Editor, n.
A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Æacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering its mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos.
[O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought]
O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought,A gilded impostor is he.
Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought,
His crown is brass,
Himself is an ass,
And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.
Prankily, crankily prating of naught,
Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought.
Public opinion's camp-follower he,
Thundering, blundering, plundering free.
Affected,
Ungracious,
Suspected,
Mendacious,
Respected contemporaree!
Egotist, n.
[Megaceph, chosen to serve the State]
Megaceph, chosen to serve the StateIn the halls of legislative debate,
One day with all his credentials came
To the capitol's door and announced his name.
The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist
Of the face, at the eminent egotist,
And said: “Go away, for we settle here
All manner of questions, knotty and queer,
And we cannot have, when the speaker demands
To be told how every member stands,
A man who to all things under the sky
Assents by eternally voting ‘I’.”
Elegy, n.
A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins somewhat like this:
[The cur foretells the knell of parting day]
The cur foretells the knell of parting day;The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea;
The wise man homeward plods; I only stay
To fiddle-faddle in a minor key.
Emancipation, n.
[He was a slave: at word he went and came]
He was a slave: at word he went and came;His iron collar cut him to the bone.
Then Liberty erased his owner's name,
Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.
End, n.
[The man was perishing apace]
Who played the tambourine:
The seal of death was on his face—
'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean.
In faint and failing tones.
A moment later he was dead,
And Tambourine was Bones.
Enough, pro.
[Enough is as good as a feast—for that matter]
Enough is as good as a feast—for that matterEnougher's as good as a feast and the platter.
Epitaph, n.
An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example:
[Here lie the bones of Parson Platt]
Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,Wise, pious, humble and all that,
Who showed us life as all should live it;
Let that be said—and God forgive it!
Erudition, n.
[So wide his erudition's mighty span]
So wide his erudition's mighty span,He knew Creation's origin and plan
And only came by accident to grief—
He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief.
Excess, n.
[Hail, high Excess—especially in wine]
Hail, high Excess—especially in wine.To thee in worship do I bend the knee
Who preach abstemiousness unto me—
My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.
Precept on precept, aye, and line on line,
Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree
With reason as thy touch, exact and free,
Upon my forehead and along my spine.
At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup,
With the hot grape I warm no more my wit;
When on thy stool of penitence I sit
I'm quite converted, for I can't get up.
Ungrateful he who afterward would falter
To make new sacrifices at thine altar!
Excommunication, n.
[This “excommunication” is a word]
This “excommunication” is a wordIn speech ecclesiastical oft heard,
And means the damning, with bell, book and candle,
Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal—
A rite permitting Satan to enslave him
Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.
Existence, n.
[A transient, horrible, fantastic dream]
A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:
From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge
Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: “O fudge!”
Experience, n.
The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
[To one who, journeying through night and fog]
To one who, journeying through night and fog,Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog,
Experience, like the rising of the dawn,
Reveals the path that he should not have gone.
F
Famous, adj.
[Done to a turn on the iron, behold]
Done to a turn on the iron, beholdHim who to be famous aspired.
Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold,
And his twistings are greatly admired.
Fashion, n.
[A king there was who lost an eye]
In some excess of passion;
And straight his courtiers all did try
To follow the new fashion.
The throne he ventured, thinking
'Twould please the king. That monarch swore
He'd slay them all for winking.
To hazard such disaster;
They dared not close an eye—dared not
See better than their master.
A leech consoled the weepers:
He spread small rags with liquid gum
And covered half their peepers.
Of royal anger dying.
That's how court-plaster got its name
Unless I'm greatly lying.
Female, n.
[The Maker, at Creation's birth]
The Maker, at Creation's birth,With living things had stocked the earth.
From elephants to bats and snails,
They all were good, for all were males.
But when the Devil came and saw
He said: “By Thine eternal law
These all must quickly pass away
And leave untenanted the earth
Unless Thou dost establish birth”—
Then tucked his head beneath his wing
To laugh—he had no sleeve—the thing
With deviltry did so accord,
That he'd suggested to the Lord.
The Master pondered this advice,
Then shook and threw the fateful dice
Wherewith all matters here below
Are ordered, and observed the throw;
Then bent His head in awful state,
Confirming the decree of Fate.
From every part of earth anew
The conscious dust consenting flew,
While rivers from their courses rolled
To make it plastic for the mould.
Enough collected (but no more,
For niggard Nature hoards her store)
He kneaded it to flexile clay,
While Nick unseen threw some away.
And then the various forms He cast,
Gross organs first and finer last;
No one at once evolved, but all
By even touches grew and small
Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade,
To match all living things He'd made
Females, complete in all their parts
Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.
“No matter,” Satan cried; “with speed
I'll fetch the very hearts they need”—
The number needed, in a sack.
That night earth rang with sounds of strife—
Ten million males had each a wife;
That night sweet Peace her pinions spread
O'er Hell—ten million devils dead!
Fib, n.
A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit.
[When David said: “All men are liars,” Dave]
When David said: “All men are liars,” Dave,Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief.
Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief
By proof that even himself was not a slave
To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave
Had been of all her servitors the chief
Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf
Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave.
No, David served not Naked Truth when he
Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race;
Nor did he hit the nail upon the head:
For reason shows that it could never be,
And the facts contradict him to his face.
Men are not liars all, for some are dead.
Fiddle, n.
[To Rome said Nero: “If to smoke you turn]
To Rome said Nero: “If to smoke you turnI shall not cease to fiddle while you burn.”
To Nero Rome replied: “Pray do your worst,
'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first.”
Folly, n.
That “gift and faculty divine” whose creative and controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns his life.
[Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once]
In a thick volume, and all authors known,
If not thy glory yet thy power have shown,
Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts
Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce,
To mend their lives and to sustain his own,
However feebly be his arrows thrown,
All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise,
With lusty lung, here on this western strand
With all thine offspring thronged from every land,
Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise.
And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl,
Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all.
Force, n.
[“Force is but might,” the teacher said]
“Force is but might,” the teacher said—“That definition's just.”
The boy said naught but thought instead,
“Force is not might but must!”
Forma Pauperis (Latin).
In the character of a poor person—a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted to lose his case.
[When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court]
(For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented)
Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report,
He stood and pleaded unhabilimented.
“Actions can't here be that way prosecuted.”
So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied:
He went away—as he had come—nonsuited.
Freedom, n.
Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either.
[Freedom, as every schoolboy knows]
Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell;
On every wind, indeed, that blows
I hear her yell.
And parliaments as well,
To bind the chains about her feet
And toll her knell.
The votes they cannot spell,
Upon the pestilential blast
Her clamors swell.
To sway or to compel,
Among themselves apportion Heaven
And give her Hell.
Friendship, n.
[The sea was calm and the sky was blue]
The sea was calm and the sky was blue;Merrily, merrily sailed we two.
(High barometer maketh glad.)
On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout,
(O the walking is nasty bad!)
Frying-Pan, n.
One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this life reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the other side, rewarding its devotees:
[Old Nick was summoned to the skies]
Said Peter: “Your intentions
Are good, but you lack enterprise
Concerning new inventions.
Of torment, but I hear it
Reported that the frying-pan
Sears best the wicked spirit.
Fry sinners brown and good in't.”
“I know a trick worth two o' that,”
Said Nick—“I'll cook their food in't.”
Funeral, n.
A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
[The savage dies—they sacrifice a horse]
The savage dies—they sacrifice a horseTo bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse.
Our friends expire—we make the money fly
In hope their souls will chase it to the sky.
G
Gallows, n.
A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it.
[Whether on the gallows high]
Whether on the gallows highOr where blood flows the reddest,
The noblest place for man to die—
Is where he died the deadest.
Genteel, adj.
[Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal]
Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal:A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel.
Heed not the definitions your “Unabridged” presents,
For dictionary makers are generally gents.
Geographer, n.
[Habeam, geographer of wide renown]
Habeam, geographer of wide renown,Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town,
In passing thence along the river Zam
To the adjacent village of Xelam,
Bewildered by the multitude of roads,
Got lost, lived long on migratory toads,
Then from exposure miserably died,
And grateful travelers bewailed their guide.
Ghost, n.
[He saw a ghost]
He saw a ghost.It occupied—that dismal thing!—
The path that he was following.
Before he'd time to stop and fly,
An earthquake trifled with the eye
That saw a ghost.
He fell as fall the early good;
Unmoved that awful vision stood.
The stars that danced before his ken
He wildly brushed away, and then
He saw a post.
Gnu, n.
An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone.
[A hunter from Kew caught a distant view]
A hunter from Kew caught a distant viewOf a peacefully meditative gnu,
And he said: “I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue
In its blood at a closer interview.”
But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw
O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew;
And he said as he flew: “It is well I withdrew
Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew
That really meritorious gnu.”
Gorgon, n.
[The Gorgon was a maiden bold]
The Gorgon was a maiden boldWho turned to stone the Greeks of old
That looked upon her awful brow.
We dig them out of ruins now,
And swear that workmanship so bad
Proves all the ancient sculptors mad.
Grape, n.
[Hail noble fruit!—by Homer sung]
Anacreon and Khayyam;
Thy praise is ever on the tongue
Of better men than I am.
The song I cannot offer:
My humbler service pray accept—
I'll help to kill the scoffer.
Who load their skins with liquor—
I'll gladly bare their belly-tanks
And tap them with my sticker.
When e'er we let the wine rest.
Here's death to Prohibition's fools,
And every kind of vine-pest!
Grave, n.
[Beside a lonely grave I stood]
With brambles 'twas encumbered;
The winds were moaning in the wood,
Unheard by him who slumbered.
“He cannot hear it blowing!”
“'Course not,” said he: “the feller's dead—
He can't hear nowt that's going.”
No sound his sense can quicken!”
“Well, mister, wot is that to you?—
The deadster ain't a-kickin'.”
On him, and mercy show him!”
That countryman looked on the while,
And said: “Ye didn't know him.”
Great, adj.
[“I'm great,” the Lion said—I reign]
The monarch of the wood and plain!”
No quadruped can match my weight!”
So long a neck!” said the Giraffe.
My femoral muscularity!”
My tail is lithe and bald and cold!”
To say: “I'm great because I'm good!”
In that in which he heads the list,
Because he is the greatest ass.
H
Hatchet, n.
[“O bury the hatchet, irascible Red]
“O bury the hatchet, irascible Red,For peace is a blessing,” the White Man said.
The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred,
With imposing rites, in the White Man's head.
Head-Money, n.
[In ancient times there lived a king]
In ancient times there lived a kingWhose tax-collectors could not wring
From all his subjects gold enough
To make the royal way less rough.
For pleasure's highway, like the dames
Whose premises adjoin it, claims
Perpetual repairing. So
The tax-collectors in a row
Appeared before the throne to pray
Their master to devise some way
To swell the revenue. “So great,”
Said they, “are the demands of state
A tithe of all that we collect
Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect:
How, if one-tenth we must resign,
Can we exist on t'other nine?”
The monarch asked them in reply:
“Has it occurred to you to try
The advantage of economy?”
“It has,” the spokesman said: “we sold
All of our gay garrotes of gold;
With plated-ware we now compress
The necks of those whom we assess.
Plain iron forceps we employ
To mitigate the miser's joy
Who hoards, with greed that never tires,
That which your Majesty requires.”
Deep lines of thought were seen to plow
Their way across the royal brow.
Pray favor me with a suggestion.”
“O King of Men,” the spokesman said,
“If you'll impose upon each head
A tax, the augmented revenue
We'll cheerfully divide with you.”
As flashes of the sun illume
The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom,
The king smiled grimly. “I decree
That it be so—and, not to be
In generosity outdone,
Declare you, each and every one,
Exempted from the operation
Of this new law of capitation.
But lest the people censure me
Because they're bound and you are free,
'Twere well some clever scheme were laid
By you this poll-tax to evade.
I'll leave you now while you confer
With my most trusted minister.”
The monarch from the throne-room walked
And straightway in among them stalked
A silent man, with brow concealed,
Bare-armed—his gleaming axe revealed!
Heat, n.
[Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode]
Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a modeOf motion, but I know now how he's proving
His point; but this I know—hot words bestowed
With skill will set the human fist a-moving,
And where it stops the stars burn free and wild.
Crede expertum—I have seen them, child.
Heathen, n.
A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens.
[“The Hebrews are heathens!” says Howison. He's]
A Christian philosopher. I'm
A scurril agnostical chap, if you please,
Addicted too much to the crime
Of religious discussion in rhyme.
On a modus vivendi—not they!—
Yet Heaven has had the designing of me,
And I haven't been reared in a way
To joy in the thick of the fray.
And the truth of it I aver:
Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist,
And I'm down upon him or her!
Toleration—that's all very well,
But a roast is “nuts” to his nostril thin,
And he's running—I know by the smell—
A secret and personal Hell!
Helpmate, n.
[“Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?”]
Says the priest. “Since the time o' yer wooin'
She's niver assisted in what ye were at—
For it's naught ye are ever doin'.”
And no sign of contrition evinces;
“But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies,
For she helps to mate the expinses!”
History, n.
An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.
[Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown]
Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known,
Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide,
Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.
Homiletics, n.
The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.
[So skilled the parson was in homiletics]
So skilled the parson was in homileticsThat all his moral purges and emetics
To medicine the spirit were compounded
With a most just discrimination founded
Upon a rigorous examination
Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration.
Then, having diagnosed each one's condition,
His scriptural specifics this physician
Administered—his pills so efficacious
And pukes of disposition so vivacious
That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam
Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em.
But Slander's tongue—itself all coated—uttered
Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered
That in the case of patients having money
The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey.
Hope, n.
[Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left]
Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left—Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft;
When even his dog deserts him, and his goat
With tranquil disaffection chews his coat
While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou,
The star far-flaming on thine angel brow,
Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint
The promise of a clerkship in the Mint.
Hovel, n.
[Twaddle had a hovel]
Twiddle had a palace;
Or he'll think I bear him malice”—
A sentiment as novel
As a castor on a chalice.
Of his legs fell Twaddle
And astonished Mr. Twiddle,
Who began to lift his noddle,
Feed upon the fiddle-
Faddle flummery, unswaddle
A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a model.
Humorist, n.
A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.
[Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind]
Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mindSee jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined—
Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray,
His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day.
He thinks, admitted to an equal sty,
A graceful hog would bear his company.
Hypochondriasis, n.
[Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot]
Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lotWhere long the village rubbish had been shot
“Hypochondriasis.” It meant The Dumps.
I
Ichor, n.
[Fair Venus, speared by Diomed]
Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,Restrained the raging chief and said:
“Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled—
Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!”
Ignoramus, n.
A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.
[Dumble was an ignoramus]
Dumble was an ignoramus,Mumble was for learning famous.
Mumble said one day to Dumble:
“Ignorance should be more humble.
Not a spark have you of knowledge
That was got in any college.”
Dumble said to Mumble: “Truly
You're self-satisfied unduly.
Of things in college I'm denied
A knowledge—you of all beside.”
Immodest, adj.
[There was once a man in Ispahan]
Ever and ever so long ago,
And he had a head, the phrenologists said,
That fitted him for a show.
(Nature, they said, had taken a freak)
That its summit stood far above the wood
Of his hair, like a mountain peak.
Over and over again they swore—
So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;
None ever was found before.
Into the heavens contrived to get
To so great a height that they called the wight
The man with a minaret.
Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:
With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung
He bragged of that beautiful bump
Bearing a sack and a bow-string too,
And that gentle child explained as he smiled:
“A little present for you.”
Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.
“If I'd lived,” said he, “my humility
Had given me deathless fame!”
Immortality, n.
[A toy which people cry for]
A toy which people cry for,And on their knees apply for,
Dispute, contend and lie for,
And if allowed
Would be right proud
Eternally to die for.
Imposition, n.
The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of hands—a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.
[“Lo! by the laying on of hands,”]
“Lo! by the laying on of hands,”Say parson, priest and dervise,
“We consecrate your cash and lands
To ecclesiastic service.
No doubt you'll swear till all is blue
At such an imposition. Do.”
Improbability, n.
[His tale he told with a solemn face]
His tale he told with a solemn faceAnd a tender, melancholy grace.
Improbable 'twas, no doubt,
When you came to think it out,
But the fascinated crowd
Their deep surprise avowed
And all with a single voice averred
'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard—
All save one who spake never a word,
But sat as mum
As if deaf and dumb,
Serene, indifferent and unstirred.
And scrutinized him limb from limb—
Scanned him alive;
But he seemed to thrive
And tranquiler grow each minute,
As if there were nothing in it.
“What! what!” cried one, “are you not amazed
At what our friend has told?” He raised
Soberly then his eyes and gazed
In a natural way
And proceeded to say,
As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:
“O no—not at all; I'm a liar myself.”
Inauspiciously, adv.
In an unpromising manner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the flight of birds—the omens thence derived being called auspices. Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided that the word—always in the plural—shall mean “patronage” or “management”; as, “The festivities were under the auspices of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers”; or, “The hilarities were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger.”
[A Roman slave appeared one day]
A Roman slave appeared one dayBefore the Augur. “Tell me, pray,
If—” here the Augur, smiling, made
A checking gesture and displayed
His open palm, which plainly itched,
For visibly its surface twitched.
A denarius (the Latin nickel)
Successfully allayed the tickle,
And then the slave proceeded: “Please
Success or failure in what I
To-night (if it be dark) shall try.
Its nature? Never mind—I think
'Tis writ on this”—and with a wink
Which darkened half the earth, he drew
Another denarius to view,
Its shining face attentive scanned,
Then slipped it into the good man's hand,
Who with great gravity said: “Wait
While I retire to question Fate.”
That holy person then withdrew
His sacred clay and, passing through
The temple's rearward gate, cried “Shoo!”
Waving his robe of office. Straight
Each sacred peacock and its mate
(Maintained for Juno's favor) fled
With clamor from the trees o'erhead,
Where they were perching for the night.
The temple's roof received their flight,
For thither they would always go,
When danger threatened them below.
Back to the slave the Augur went:
“My son, forecasting the event
By flight of birds, I must confess
The auspices deny success.”
That slave retired, a sadder man,
Abandoning his secret plan—
Which was (as well the crafty seer
Had from the first divined) to clear
The wall and fraudulently seize
On Juno's poultry in the trees.
Indifferent, adj.
[“You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio's wife]
“You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio's wife,“You've grown indifferent to all in life.”
“Indifferent?” he drawled with a slow smile;
“I would be, dear, but it is not worth while.”
Infralapsarian, n.
One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to—in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about Adam.
[Two theologues once, as they wended their way]
Two theologues once, as they wended their wayTo chapel, engaged in colloquial fray—
An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,
Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.
“'Twas Predestination,” cried one—“for the Lord
Decreed he should fall of his own accord.”
“Not so—'twas Free will,” the other maintained,
“Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained.”
So fierce and so fiery grew the debate
That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate;
So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground
And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round.
Ere either had proved his theology right
By winning, or even beginning, the fight,
A gray old professor of Latin came by,
A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye,
And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still
As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill
Of foreordinational freedom of will)
Cried: “Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:
Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows.
The sects ye belong to—I'm ready to swear
Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear.
You—Infralapsarian son of a clown!—
Should only contend that Adam slipped down;
While you—you Supralapsarian pup!—
Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.”
You slip on a peel of banana brown.
Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,
But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!
Ingrate, n.
[“All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic. “Nay,”]
The good philanthropist replied;
“I did great service to a man one day
Who never since has cursed me to repay,
Nor vilified.”
With veneration I am overcome,
And fain would have his blessing.” “Sad your fate—
He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state
The man is dumb.”
Inscription, n.
Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See Epitaph.)
[In the sky my soul is found]
“In the sky my soul is found,And my body in the ground.
By and by my body'll rise
To my spirit in the skies,
Soaring up to Heaven's gate.
1878.”
“Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous.”
[Affliction sore long time she boar]
“Affliction sore long time she boar,Phisicians was in vain,
Till Deth released the dear deceased
And left her a remain.
Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss.”
[The clay that rests beneath this stone]
“The clay that rests beneath this stoneAs Silas Wood was widely known.
Now, lying here, I ask what good
It was to me to be S. Wood.
O Man, let not ambition trouble you,
Is the advice of Silas W.”
“Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874.”
Insectivora, n.
[“See,” cries the chorus of admiring preachers]
“See,” cries the chorus of admiring preachers,“How Providence provides for all His creatures!”
“His care,” the gnat said, “even the insects follows:
For us He has provided wrens and swallows.”
Intimacy, n.
[Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue]
Two Seidlitz powders, one in blueAnd one in white, together drew,
And having each a pleasant sense
Of t'other powder's excellence,
Forsook their jackets for the snug
Enjoyment of a common mug.
So close their intimacy grew
One paper would have held the two.
To confidences straight they fell,
Less anxious each to hear than tell;
Then each remorsefully confessed
To all the virtues he possessed,
Acknowledging he had them in
So high degree it was a sin.
The more they said, the more they felt
Their spirits with emotion melt,
Till tears of sentiment expressed
Their feelings. Then they effervesced!
Of wrath on friends and sympathetes
The good old rule who won't apply,
That you are you and I am I.
J
Jester, n.
An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise and witty person. In the circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears.
[The widow-queen of Portugal]
Had an audacious jester
Who entered the confessional
Disguised, and there confessed her.
My sins are more than scarlet:
I love my fool—blaspheming clown,
And common, base-born varlet.”
“That sin, indeed, is awful:
The church's pardon is denied
To love that is unlawful.
For him forever pleading,
Thou'dst better make him, by decree,
A man of birth and breeding.”
With Heaven's taboo to palter;
Then told a priest, who told the Pope,
Who damned her from the altar!
K
Keep, v. t.
[He willed away his whole estate]
He willed away his whole estate,And then in death he fell asleep,
Murmuring: “Well, at any rate,
My name unblemished I shall keep.”
But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought
Whose was it?—for the dead keep naught.
King, n.
A male person commonly known in America as a “crowned head,” although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.
[A king, in times long, long gone by]
Said to his lazy jester:
“If I were you and you were I
My moments merrily would fly—
No care nor grief to pester.”
The fool said—“if you'll hear it—
Is that of all the fools alive
Who own you for their sovereign, I've
The most forgiving spirit.”
King's Evil, n.
A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus “the most pious Edward” of England used to lay his royal hand upon his ailing subjects and make them whole—
[a crowd of wretched souls]
a crowd of wretched soulsThat stay his cure: their malady convinces
The great essay of art; but at his touch,
Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand,
They presently amend,
as the “Doctor” in Macbeth hath it. This
['tis spoken]
'tis spoken,To the succeeding royalty he leaves
The healing benediction.
But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the disease once honored with the name “king's evil” now bears the humbler one of “scrofula,” from scrofa, a sow. The date and author of the following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national disorder is not a thing of yesterday.
[Ye Kynge his evill in me laye]
Ye Kynge his evill in me laye,Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye.
He layde his hand on mine and sayd:
“Be gone!” Ye ill no longer stayd.
But O ye wofull plyght in wh.
I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche!
The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming in line and shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great dignitary bestows his healing salutation on
['strangely visited people]
'strangely visited people,All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye,
The mere despair of surgery,
he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of men. It is a beautiful and edifying “survival”—one which brings the sainted past close home to our “business and bosoms.”
Knight, n.
[Once a warrior gentle of birth]
Once a warrior gentle of birth,Then a person of civic worth,
Now a fellow to move our mirth.
Warrior, person, and fellow—no more:
We must knight our dogs to get any lower.
Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be,
Noble Knights of the Golden Flea,
Knights of the Order of St. Steboy,
Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy.
God speed the day when this knighting fad
Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad.
L
Land, n.
A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area of terra firma is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist.
[A life on the ocean wave]
A home on the rolling deep,
For the spark that nature gave
I have there the right to keep.
Whenever I go ashore.
Then ho! for the flashing brine—
I'm a natural commodore!
Last, n.
[Ah, punster, would my lot were cast]
Ah, punster, would my lot were cast,Where the cobbler is unknown,
So that I might forget his last
And hear your own.
Law, n.
[Once Law was sitting on the bench]
And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
“Clear out!” he cried, “disordered wench!
Nor come before me creeping.
Upon your knees if you appear,
'Tis plain your have no standing here.”
“Your status?—devil seize you!”
“Amica curiae,” she replied—
“Friend of the court, so please you.”
“Begone!” he shouted—“there's the door—
I never saw your face before!”
Lead, n.
A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers—particularly to those who love not wisely but other men's wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is precipitated in great quantities.
[Hail, holy Lead!—of human feuds the great]
Hail, holy Lead!—of human feuds the greatAnd universal arbiter; endowed
With penetration to pierce any cloud
Fogging the field of controversial hate,
And with a swift, inevitable, straight,
Searching precision find the unavowed
But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed
By the chirurgeon, settles the debate.
O useful metal!—were it not for thee
We'd grapple one another's ears alway:
But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee
We, like old Muhlenberg, “care not to stay.”
And when the quick have run away like pullets
Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets.
Leonine, adj.
Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in which a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox:
[The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades]
The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades.Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: “O tempora! O mores!”
It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to teach the pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to find a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a rhyming couplet could be run into a single line.
Lexicographer, n.
A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and mechanize its methods. For your lexicographer, having written his dictionary, comes to be considered “as one having authority,” whereas his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a chronicle as if it were a statute. Let the dictionary (for example) mark a good word as “obsolete” or “obsolescent” and few men thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and however desirable its restoration to favor—whereby the process of impoverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary, the bold and discerning writer who, recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, has no following and is tartly reminded that “it isn't in the dictionary”—although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that was in the dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakspeare and a Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy preservation—sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion—the lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which his Creator had not created him to create.
[God said: “Let Spirit perish into Form,”]
God said: “Let Spirit perish into Form,”And lexicographers arose, a swarm!
Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took,
And catalogued each garment in a book.
Now, from her leafy covert when she cries:
“Give me my clothes and I'll return,” they rise
And scan the list, and say without compassion:
“Excuse us—they are mostly out of fashion.”
Liberty, n.
[The rising People, hot and out of breath]
The rising People, hot and out of breath,Roared round the palace: “Liberty or death!”
“If death will do,” the King said, “let me reign;
You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain.”
Life, n.
A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, “Is life worth living?” has been much discussed; particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy.
[“Life's not worth living, and that's the truth,”]
“Life's not worth living, and that's the truth,”Carelessly caroled the golden youth.
In manhood still he maintained that view
And held it more strongly the older he grew.
When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three,
“Go fetch me a surgeon at once!” cried he.
Limb, n.
['Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought]
'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought,And the salesman laced them tight
To a very remarkable height—
Higher, indeed, than I think he ought—
Higher than can be right.
For the Bible declares—but never mind:
It is hardly fit
To censure freely and fault to find
With others for sins that I'm not inclined
Myself to commit.
Is freedom from every sin,
It still were unfair to pitch in,
Discharging the first censorious stone.
Besides, the truth compels me to say,
The boots in question were made that way.
As he drew the lace she made a grimace,
And blushingly said to him:
“This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure,
It hurts my—hurts my—limb.”
The salesman smiled in a manner mild,
Like an artless, undesigning child;
Then, checking himself, to his face he gave
A look as sorrowful as the grave,
Though he didn't care two figs
For her pains and throes,
As he stroked her toes,
Remarking with speech and manner just
Befitting his calling: “Madam, I trust
That it doesn't hurt your twigs.”
Logomachy, n.
A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem—a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied the reward of success.
['Tis said by divers of the scholar-men]
'Tis said by divers of the scholar-menThat poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen.
Alas! we cannot know if this is true,
For reading Milton's wit we perish too.
Lord, n.
In American society, an English tourist above the state of a costermonger, as, Lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as “Sir,” as, Sir 'Arry Donkiboi, of 'Amstead 'Eath. The word “Lord” is sometimes used, also, as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather flattery than true reverence.
[Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord]
Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord,Wedded a wandering English lord—
Wedded and took him to dwell with her “paw,”
A parent who throve by the practice of Draw.
Lord Cadde I don't hesitate here to declare
Unworthy the father-in-legal care
Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth
That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth;
For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage
Among them, cupidity caused him to urge
Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge,
Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw
Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw,
And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf,
To the business of being a lord himself.
His neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed
And sacked himself strangely in checks instead;
Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear
A whisker that looked like a blasted career.
He painted his neck an incarnadine hue
Each morning and varnished it all that he knew.
The moony monocular set in his eye
Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye.
His head was enroofed with a billycock hat,
And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat.
In speech he eschewed his American ways,
Denying his nose to the use of his A's
And dulling their edge till the delicate sense
Of a babe at their temper could take no offence.
His H's—'twas most inexpressibly sweet,
The patter they made as they fell at his feet!
Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear
Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career.
Alas, the Divinity shaping his end
Entertained other views and decided to send
His lordship in horror, despair and dismay
From the land of the nobleman's natural prey.
For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde
Fell—suffering Cæsar!—in love with her dad!
Loss, n.
Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he “lost his election”; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has “lost his mind.” It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the word is used in the famous epitaph:
[Here Huntington's ashes long have lain]
Here Huntington's ashes long have lainWhose loss is our own eternal gain,
For while he exercised all his powers
Whatever he gained, the loss was ours.
Lyre, n.
An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox:
[I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre]
I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre,And pick with care the disobedient wire.
The stupid shepherd lolling on his crook
With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look.
I bide my time, and it shall come at length,
When, with a Titan's energy and strength,
I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O,
The world shall suffer when I let them go!
M
Machination, n.
The method employed by one's opponents in baffling one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing.
[So plain the advantages of machination]
So plain the advantages of machinationIt constitutes a moral obligation,
And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing
Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing.
So prospers still the diplomatic art,
And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart.
Macrobian, n.
One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to Old Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he had what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace. Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five hundred years, and that in all that time he had never told a lie. There are instances of longevity (macrobiosis) in our own country. Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to know better. The editor of The American, a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that goes back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact. The President of the United States was born so long ago that many of the friends of his youth have risen to high political and military preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses following were written by a macrobian:
[When I was young the world was fair]
And amiable and sunny.
A brightness was in all the air,
In all the waters, honey.
The jokes were fine and funny,
The statesmen honest in their views,
And in their lives, as well,
And when you heard a bit of news
'Twas true enough to tell.
Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking,
Nor women “generally speaking.”
It lasted one whole season!
The sparkling Winter gave no heed
When ordered by Unreason
Now, where the dickens is the sense
In calling that a year
Which does no more than just commence
Before the end is near?
When I was young the year extended
From month to month until it ended.
To something dark and dreary,
And everything is now arranged
To make a fellow weary.
The Weather Man—I fear he
Has much to do with it, for, sure,
The air is not the same:
It chokes you when it is impure,
When pure it makes you lame.
With windows closed you are asthmatic;
Open, neuralgic or sciatic.
Of dun degeneration
Seems eviler than it would seem
To a better observation,
And has for compensation
Some blessings in a deep disguise
Which mortal sight has failed
To pierce, although to angels' eyes
They're visibly unveiled.
If Age is such a boon, good land!
He's costumed by a master hand!
Maiden, n.
A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the canary—which, also, is more portable.
[A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang]
A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang—This quaint, sweet song sang she:
“It's O for a youth with a football bang
And a muscle fair to see!
The Captain he
Of a team to be!
On the gridiron he shall shine,
A monarch by right divine,
And never to roast on it—me!”
Mammon, n.
[He swore that all other religions were gammon]
He swore that all other religions were gammon,And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon.
Man, n.
An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
[When the world was young and Man was new]
And everything was pleasant,
Distinctions Nature never drew
'Mongst king and priest and peasant.
We're not that way at present,
Save here in this Republic, where
We have that old régime,
For all are kings, however bare
Their backs, howe'er extreme
Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice
To accept the tyrant of his party's choice.
And, therefore, was detested,
Was one day with a tarry coat
(With feathers backed and breasted)
By patriots invested.
“It is your duty,” cried the crowd,
“Your ballot true to cast
For the man o' your choice.” He humbly bowed,
And explained his wicked past:
Dear patriots, but he has never run.”
Material, adj.
[Material things I know, or feel, or see]
Material things I know, or feel, or see;All else is immaterial to me.
Meekness, n.
[M is for Moses]
M is for Moses,Who slew the Egyptian.
As sweet as a rose is
The meekness of Moses.
No monument shows his
Post-mortem inscription,
But M is for Moses,
Who slew the Egyptian.
Meerschaum, n.
(Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been disclosed by the manufacturers.
[There was a youth you've heard before]
This woful tale, may be),
Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore
That color it would he!
Nor any soul he saw.
He smoked by night, he smoked by day,
As hard as he could draw.
Of winds that blew aloof;
The weeds were in the gravel path,
The owl was on the roof.
The neighbors sadly say.
And so they batter in the door
To take his goods away.
Nut-brown in face and limb.
“That pipe's a lovely white,” they say,
“But it has colored him!”
'Tis plain as day to you:
Don't play your game on any thing
That is a gamester too.
Misdemeanor, n.
An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society.
[By misdemeanors he essayed to climb]
By misdemeanors he essayed to climbInto the aristocracy of crime.
O, woe was him!—with manner chill and grand
“Captains of industry” refused his hand,
“Kings of finance” denied him recognition
And “railway magnates” jeered his low condition.
He robbed a bank to make himself respected.
They still rebuffed him, for he was detected.
Monosyllabic, adj.
Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon—that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.
[The man who writes in Saxon]
The man who writes in SaxonIs the man to use an ax on.
Monument, n.
A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.
[The bones of Agamemnon are a show]
The bones of Agamemnon are a show,And ruined is his royal monument,
but Agamemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The monument custom has its reductiones ad absurdum in monuments “to the unknown dead”—that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of those who have left no memory.
Mummy, n.
An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with an excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals.
[By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said]
By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said,Attests to the gods its respect for the dead.
We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint,
Distil him for physic and grind him for paint,
Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame,
And with levity flock to the scene of the shame.
O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme:
For respecting the dead what's the limit of time?
N
Nectar, n.
A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient.
[Juno drank a cup of nectar]
Juno drank a cup of nectar,But the draught did not affect her.
Juno drank a cup of rye—
Then she bade herself good-bye.
Nose, n.
The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
[There's a man with a Nose]
And wherever he goes
“No cotton have we
For our ears if so be
He blow that interminous snout!”
For injunction. “Denied,”
Said the Judge: “the defendant prefixion,
Whate'er it portend,
Appears to transcend
The bounds of this court's jurisdiction.”
O
Old, adj.
In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, as an old man. Discredited by lapse of time and offensive to the popular taste, as an old book.
[“Old books? The devil take them!” Goby said]
“Old books? The devil take them!” Goby said.“Fresh every day must be my books and bread.”
Nature herself approves the Goby rule
And gives us every moment a fresh fool.
Olympian, adj.
Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his appetite.
[His name the smirking tourist scrawls]
His name the smirking tourist scrawlsUpon Minerva's temple walls,
Where thundered once Olympian Zeus,
And marks his appetite's abuse.
Opera, n.
A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word simulation is from simia, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for his model Simia audibilis (or Pithecanthropos stentor)—the ape that howls.
[The actor apes a man—at least in shape]
The actor apes a man—at least in shape;The opera performer apes an ape.
Oppose, v.
[How lonely he who thinks to vex]
How lonely he who thinks to vexWith badinage the Solemn Sex!
Of levity, Mere Man, beware;
None but the Grave deserve the Unfair.
Orthography, n.
The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be conceded hereafter.
[A spelling reformer indicted]
A spelling reformer indictedFor fudge was before the court cicted.
The judge said: “Enough—
His candle we'll snough,
And his sepulchre shall not be whicted.”
Out-of-Doors, n.
That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.
[I climbed to the top of a mountain one day]
To see the sun setting in glory,
And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray,
Of a perfectly splendid story.
Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested;
Then the man would carry him miles on the road
Till Neddy was pretty well rested.
Of the hills to the east of my station
Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west
Like a visible new creation.
Of an idle young woman who tarried
About a church-door for a look at the bride,
Although 'twas herself that was married.
Ideas—with thought and emotion.
I pity the dunces who don't understand
The speech of earth, heaven and ocean.
Ovation, n.
In ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser “triumph.” In modern English the word is improperly used to signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the hero of the hour and place.
[“I had an ovation!” the actor man said]
But I thought it uncommonly queer,
That people and critics by him had been led
By the ear.
Assertion as plain as a peg;
In “ovum” we find the true root of the word.
It means egg.
Overeat, v.
[Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess]
Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess,Well skilled to overeat without distress!
Thy great invention, the unfatal feast,
Shows Man's superiority to Beast.
P
Peace, n.
[O, what's the loud uproar assailing]
Mine ears without cease?
'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing
The horrors of peace.
Would marry it, too.
If only they knew how to do it
'Twere easy to do.
On their problem, like moles.
Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray,
On their meddlesome souls!
Perseverance, n.
[“Persevere, persevere!” cry the homilists all]
“Persevere, persevere!” cry the homilists all,Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl.
“Remember the fable of tortoise and hare—
The one at the goal while the other is—where?”
Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease
Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace,
The goal and the rival forgotten alike,
And the long fatigue of the needless hike.
His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew
Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew,
He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place,
A winner of all that is good in a race.
Physiognomy, n.
The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence.
[“There is no art,” says Shakspeare, foolish man]
“There is no art,” says Shakspeare, foolish man,“To read the mind's construction in the face.”
The physiognomists his portrait scan,
And say: “How little wisdom here we trace!
He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart,
So, in his own defence, denied our art.”
Picture, n.
[Behold great Daubert's picture here on view]
“Behold great Daubert's picture here on view—Taken from Life.” If that description's true,
Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.
Pie, n.
An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.
Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains.—
The Rev. Dr. Mucker, in a Funeral Sermon Over a British Nobleman.[Cold pie is a detestable]
Cold pie is a detestableAmerican comestible.
That's why I'm done—or undone—
So far from that dear London.
Piety, n.
[The pig is taught by sermons and epistles]
The pig is taught by sermons and epistlesTo think the God of Swine has snout and bristles.
Portable, adj.
[His light estate, if neither he did make it]
His light estate, if neither he did make itNor yet its former guardian forsake it,
Is portable improperty, I take it.
Precipitate, adj.
[Precipitate in all, this sinner]
Precipitate in all, this sinnerTook action first, and then his dinner.
Prehistoric, adj.
Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.
[He lived in a period prehistoric]
He lived in a period prehistoric,When all was absurd and phantasmagoric.
Born later, when Clio, celestial recorder,
Set down great events in succession and order,
He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous
In anything here but the lies that she threw at us.
Preside, v.
To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, “He presided at the piccolo.”
[The Headliner, holding the copy in hand]
Read with a solemn face:
“The music was very uncommonly grand—
The best that was every provided,
For our townsman Brown presided
The Headliner discontinued to read,
And, spreading the paper down
On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed:
“Great playing by President Brown.”
President, n.
The leading figure in a small group of men of whom—and of whom only—it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.
[If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater]
If that's an honor surely 'tis a greaterTo have been a simple and undamned spectator.
Behold in me a man of mark and note
Whom no elector e'er denied a vote!—
An undiscredited, unhooted gent
Who might, for all we know, be President
By acclamation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer—
I'm passing with a wide and open ear!
Prison, n.
[“Stone walls do not a prison make,”]
“Stone walls do not a prison make,”but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the moral instructor is no garden of sweets.
Prospect, n.
[Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes]
Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes—O'er Ceylon blow your breath,
Where every prospect pleases,
Save only that of death.
Q
Quiver, n.
A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.
[He extracted from his quiver]
He extracted from his quiver,Did this controversial Roman,
An argument well fitted
To the question as submitted,
Then addressed it to the liver,
Of the unpersuaded foeman.
Quixotic, adj.
Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name is pronounced Ke-ho-tay.
[When ignorance from out our lives can banish]
When ignorance from out our lives can banishPhilology, 'tis folly to know Spanish.
Quotation, n.
[Intent on making his quotation truer]
Intent on making his quotation truer,He sought the page infallible of Brewer,
Then made a solemn vow that he would be
Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me!
R
Rank, n.
[He held at court a rank so high]
He held at court a rank so highThat other noblemen asked why.
“Because,” 'twas answered, “others lack
His skill to scratch the royal back.”
Rash, adj.
[Now lay your bet with mine, nor let]
“Now lay your bet with mine, nor letThese gamblers take your cash.”
“Nay, this child makes no bet.” “Great snakes!
How can you be so rash?”
Reach, n.
The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide.
[This is a truth, as old as the hills]
This is a truth, as old as the hills,That life and experience teach:
The poor man suffers that keenest of ills,
An impediment in his reach.
Reading, n.
The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in “dialect” and humor in slang.
[We know by one's reading]
We know by one's readingHis learning and breeding;
By what draws his laughter
We know his Hereafter.
Read nothing, laugh never—
The Sphinx was less clever!
Recruit, n.
[Fresh from the farm or factory or street]
Fresh from the farm or factory or street,His marching, in pursuit or in retreat,
Were an impressive martial spectacle
Except for two impediments—his feet.
Redemption, n.
Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
[We must awake Man's spirit from its sin]
We must awake Man's spirit from its sin,And take some special measure for redeeming it;
Though hard indeed the task to get it in
Among the angels any way but teaming it,
Or purify it otherwise than steaming it.
I'm awkward at Redemption—a beginner:
My method is to crucify the sinner.
Redundant, adj.
[The Sultan said: “There's evidence abundant]
The Sultan said: “There's evidence abundantTo prove this unbelieving dog redundant.”
To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive,
Replied: “His head, at least, appears excessive.”
Habeeb Suleiman.
Renown, n.
A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame—a little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and inconsiderate hand.
[I touched the harp in every key]
I touched the harp in every key,But found no heeding ear;
And then Ithuriel touched me
With a revealing spear.
Not all my genius, great as 'tis,
Could urge me out of night.
I felt the faint appulse of his,
And leapt into the light!
Repentance, n.
The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin.
[Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell]
Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell,You will repent and join the Church, Parnell?
How needless!—Nick will keep you off the coals
And add you to the woes of other souls.
Reporter, n.
[More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou]
“More dear than all my bosom knows, O thouWhose ‘lips are sealed’ and will not disavow!”
So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew
Beneath his hand the leg-long “interview.”
Resign, v. t.
['Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed]
A true renunciation
Of title, rank and every kind
Of military station—
Each honorable station.
To noble emulation,
The country humbly was resigned
To Leonard's resignation—
His Christian resignation.
Respite, n.
A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of a disagreeable expectation.
[Altgeld upon his incandescent bed]
Lay, an attendant demon at his head.
Some respite from the roast, however brief.
Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall.”
O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm.
Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate.
Not even the memory of who you are.”
Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell.
As, governing down here, I'd respite thee.”
You thrust from jail consumed in getting back.”
While they were turning him on t'other side.
Responsibility, n.
A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
[Alas, things ain't what we should see]
Alas, things ain't what we should seeIf Eve had let that apple be;
And many a feller which had ought
To set with monarchses of thought,
Or play some rosy little game
With battle-chaps on fields of fame,
Is downed by his unlucky star,
And hollers: “Peanuts!—here you are!”
Retribution, n.
A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by evicting them.
In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the imprudence of turning about to face Retribution when it is taking exercise:
[What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go]
What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to goBack to Brazil to end your days in quiet?
Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so?
'Tis not so long since you were in a riot,
And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at
Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know
That empires are ungrateful; are you certain
Republics are less handy to get hurt in?
Review, v. t.
[To set your wisdom holding not a doubt of it]
To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it,Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)
At work upon a book, and so read out of it
The qualities that you have first read into it.
Right, n.
Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have measles, and the like. The first of these rights was once universally believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is still sometimes affirmed in partibus infidelium outside the enlightened realms of Democracy; as the well known lines of Sir Abednego Bink, following:
[By what right, then, do royal rulers rule?]
Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r?
He surely were as stubborn as a mule
Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour
His uninvited session on the throne, or air
His pride securely in the Presidential chair.
Whate'er occurs, God wills it so. Good land!
It were a wondrous thing if His design
A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand!
If so, then God, I say (intending no offence)
Is guilty of contributory negligence.
Rimer, n.
[The rimer quenches his unheeded fires]
The rimer quenches his unheeded fires,The sound surceases and the sense expires.
Then the domestic dog, to east and west,
Expounds the passions burning in his breast.
The rising moon o'er that enchanted land
Pauses to hear and yearns to understand.
Road, n.
A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.
[All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome]
All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome,Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home.
Rumor, n.
[Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield]
Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield,By guard unparried as by flight unstayed,
O serviceable Rumor, let me wield
Against my enemy no other blade.
His be the terror of a foe unseen,
His the inutile hand upon the hilt,
And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen,
Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt.
So shall I slay the wretch without a blow,
Spare me to celebrate his overthrow,
And nurse my valor for another foe.
S
Sabbath, n.
A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this is the Christian version: “Remember the seventh day to make thy neighbor keep it wholly.” To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water version of the Fourth Commandment:
[Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able]
Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able,And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable.
Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine ordinance.
Sacred, adj.
Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc.
[All things are either sacred or profane]
All things are either sacred or profane.The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;
The latter to the devil appertain.
Safety-Clutch, n.
A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the hoisting apparatus.
[Once I seen a human ruin]
In a elevator-well,
And his members was bestrewin'
All the place where he had fell.
That uncommon woful wreck:
“Your position's so surprisin'
That I tremble for your neck!”
And impressive, up and spoke:
“Well, I wouldn't tremble badly,
For it's been a fortnight broke.”
Of his attitude, he begs
I will focus my attention
On his various arms and legs—
Where they each, respective, lie;
How one trotter proves ungracious,
T'other one an alibi.
For to show his dismal state,
Which I wasn't first intentioned
To specifical relate.
That I ever have heard tell
Than the gent's who there was spreaded
In that elevator-well.
It is figurative all,
For the well is metaphoric
And the feller didn't fall.
For a writer-man to cheat,
And despise to wear a laurel
As was gotten by deceit.
By the elevator, mind,
It will boost a person splendid
If his talent is the kind.
(For the busted man is him)
And it shot him up right gallant
Till his head begun to swim.
And he painful come to earth
Where there's nobody to love him
For his detrimented worth.
Or at leastwise not as such.
Moral of this woful poem:
Frequent oil your safety-clutch.
Satire, n.
An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with imperfect tenderness. In this country satire never had more than a sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like all humor, being tolerant and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans are “endowed by their Creator” with abundant vice and folly, it is not generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the satirist is popularly regarded as a sour-spirited knave, and his every victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national assent.
[Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung]
Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sungIn the dead language of a mummy's tongue,
For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well—
Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell.
Had it been such as consecrates the Bible
Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel.
Scarabee, n.
[He fell by his own hand]
He fell by his own handBeneath the great oak tree.
He'd traveled in a foreign land.
He tried to make her understand
The dance that's called the Saraband,
But he called it Scarabee.
He had called it so through an afternoon,
And she, the light of his harem if so might be,
Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see,
All frosted there in the shine o' the moon—
Dead for a Scarabee
And a recollection that came too late.
O Fate!
They buried him where he lay,
He sleeps awaiting the Day,
In state,
And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan,
Gloom over the grave and then move on.
Dead for a Scarabee!
Scrap-Book, n.
A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to collect. One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following, by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters:
[Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast]
You keep a record true
Of every kind of peppered roast
That's made of you;
That revel round your name,
Thinking the laughter of the scribes
Attests your fame;
That comic pencils trace—
Your funny figure and your strange
Semitic face—
Nor art, but there I'll list
The daily drubbings you'd have got
Had God a fist.
Seine, n.
A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with small, cut stones.
[The devil casting a seine of lace]
(With precious stones 'twas weighted)
Drew it into the landing place
And its contents calculated.
A draft miraculous, precious!
But ere he could throw it across his back
They'd all escaped through the meshes.
Severalty, n.
Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i. e., lands held individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians are believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey.
[Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind]
Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mindSaw death before, hell and the grave behind;
Whom thrifty settlers ne'er besought to stay—
His small belongings their appointed prey;
Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile,
Persuaded elsewhere every little while!
His fire unquenched and his undying worm
By “land in severalty” (charming term!)
Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last,
And he to his new holding anchored fast!
Sheriff, n.
In America the chief executive officer of a county, whose most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern States, are the catching and hanging of rogues.
[John Elmer Pettibone Cajee]
(I write of him with little glee)
Was just as bad as he could be.
The sun has never looked upon
So bad a man as Neighbor John.”
This added fault: it made him mad
To know another man was bad.
To rise at any hour of night
And quench that wicked person's light.
Would hale him to the nearest tree
And leave him swinging wide and free.
A luckless wight's reluctant frame
Was given to the cheerful flame.
All unconcerned John met the frown
Of that austere and righteous town.
So scornful of the law should be—
An anar c, h, i, s, t.”
To utter the abhorrent word,
So strong the aversion that it stirred.)
“That Badman John must cease this thing
Of having his unlawful fling.
Each man had out a souvenir
Got at a lynching yesteryear—
His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache
By sins of rope and torch and stake.
He'll have small freedom to fulfil
The mandates of his lawless will.”
They named him Sheriff. The affair
Was opened, it is said, with prayer.
Smithareen, n.
A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is used variously, but in the following verses on a noted female reformer who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it “led them to the devil” it is seen at its best:
[The wheels go round without a sound]
The wheels go round without a sound—The maidens hold high revel;
In sinful mood, insanely gay,
True spinsters spin adown the way
From duty to the devil!
They laugh, they sing, and—ting-a-ling!
Their bells go all the morning;
Their lanterns bright bestar the night
Pedestrians a-warning.
With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands,
Good-Lording and O-mying,
Her rheumatism forgotten quite,
Her fat with anger frying.
She blocks the path that leads to wrath,
Jack Satan's power defying.
The lights burn red and blue and green.
What's this that's found upon the ground?
Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen!
Sophistry, n.
The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished from one's own by superior insincerity and fooling. This method is that of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who began by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of words.
[His bad opponent's “facts” he sweeps away]
His bad opponent's “facts” he sweeps away,And drags his sophistry to light of day;
Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort
To falsehood of so desperate a sort.
Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast,
He lies most lightly who the least is pressed.
Success, n.
The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. In literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines by the reverend Father Gassilasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious reason, “John A. Joyce.”
[The bard who would prosper must carry a book]
The bard who would prosper must carry a book,Do his thinking in prose and wear
A crimson cravat, a far-away look
And a head of hexameter hair.
Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat;
If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat.
Sycophant, n.
One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor.
[As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased]
As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleasedTo fix itself upon a part diseased
Till, its black hide distended with bad blood,
It drops to die of surfeit in the mud,
So the base sycophant with joy descries
His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies,
Unlike that reptile, he will not let go.
Gelasma, if it paid you to devote
Your talent to the service of a goat,
Showing by forceful logic that its beard
Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered;
If to the task of honoring its smell
Profit had prompted you, and love as well,
The world would benefit at last by you
And wealthy malefactors weep anew—
Your favor for a moment's space denied
And to the nobler object turned aside.
Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires
Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares,
Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly
To safer villainies of darker dye,
Forswearing robbery and fain, instead,
To steal (they call it “cornering”) our bread
May see you groveling their boots to lick
And begging for the favor of a kick?
Still must you follow to the bitter end
Your sycophantic disposition's trend,
And in your eagerness to please the rich
Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch?
In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire,
And sing hosannas to great Havemeyer!
What's Satan done that him you should eschew?
He too is reeking rich—deducting you.
Symbolic, adj.
[They say 'tis conscience feels compunction]
They say 'tis conscience feels compunction;For of the sinner I have noted
That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated,
Or ill some other ghastly fashion
Within that bowel of compassion.
True, I believe the only sinner
Is he that eats a shabby dinner.
You know how Adam with good reason,
For eating apples out of season,
Was “cursed.” But that is all symbolic:
The truth is, Adam had the colic.
T
Table d' HÔTE, n.
[Old Paunchinello, freshly wed]
Took Madame P. to table,
As fast as he was able.
Intent upon its throatage.
“Ah, yes,” said the neglected bride,
“You're in your table d'hôtage.”
Tariff, n.
A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
[The Enemy of Human Souls]
Sat grieving at the cost of coals;
For Hell had been annexed of late,
And was a sovereign Southern State.
“That I should get my fuel free.
The duty, neither just nor wise,
Compels me to economize—
Whereby my broilers, every one,
Are execrably underdone.
What would they have?—although I yearn
To do them nicely to a turn,
I can't afford an honest heat.
This tariff makes even devils cheat!
I'm ruined, and my humble trade
All rascals may at will invade:
Beneath my nose the public press
Outdoes me in sulphureousness;
The bar ingeniously applies
To my undoing my own lies;
My medicines the doctors use
(Albeit vainly) to refuse
To me my fair and rightful prey
The preachers by example teach
What, scorning to perform, I preach;
And statesmen, aping me, all make
More promises than they can break.
Against such competition I
Lift up a disregarded cry.
Since all ignore my just complaint,
By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!”
Now, the Republicans, who all
Are saints, began at once to baw]
Against his competition; so
There was a devil of a go!
They locked horns with him, tête-à-tête
In acrimonious debate,
Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,
Had hopes of coming by their own.
That evil to avert, in haste
The two belligerents embraced;
But since 'twere wicked to relax
A tittle of the Sacred Tax,
'Twas finally agreed to grant
The bold Insurgent-protestant
A bounty on each soul that fell
Into his ineffectual Hell.
Tenacity, n.
A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to his accounting:
[Of such tenacity his grip]
Of such tenacity his gripThat nothing from his hand can slip.
Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm
In tubs of liquid slippery-elm
In vain—from his detaining pinch
They cannot struggle half an inch!
'Tis lucky that he so is planned
That breath he draws not with his hand,
For if he did, so great his greed
He'd draw his last with eager speed.
Nay, that were well, you say. Not so
He'd draw but never let it go!
Tortoise, n.
A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:
TO MY PET TORTOISE
Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.
To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.
'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.
A certain firmness—mostly you're backbone.
Are virtues that the great know how to use—
You lack—excuse my mentioning it—Soul.
I'd rather you were I than I were you.
When Man's extinct, a better world may see
Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.
Predestined to regenerate the land.
To accept the homage of a dying reign!
I dream a tortoise upon every throne.
Into his carapace for fear of Law;
Howe'er acceptably he carries that;
On punishment of audible dissent—
An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;
To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;
And “Take your time” the word, in Church and State.
My glorious testudinous régime!
By slouching in and chasing Adam out.
U
Understanding, n.
A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.
[His understanding was so keen]
His understanding was so keenThat all things which he'd felt, heard, seen,
He could interpret without fail
If he was in or out of jail.
He wrote at Inspiration's call
Then, pent at last in an asylum,
Performed the service to compile 'em.
So great a writer, all men swore,
They never had not read before.
Urbanity, n.
The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, “I beg your pardon,” and it is not inconsistent with disregard of the rights of others.
[The owner of a powder mill]
The owner of a powder millWas musing on a distant hill—
Something his mind foreboded—
When from the cloudless sky there fell
A deviled human kidney! Well,
The man's mill had exploded.
His hat he lifted from his head;
“I beg your pardon, sir,” he said;
“I didn't know 'twas loaded.”
V
Vanity, n.
[They say that hens do cackle loudest when]
They say that hens do cackle loudest whenAnd there are hens, professing to have made
A study of mankind, who say that men
Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen
Make the most clamorous fanfaronade
O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid
They're not entirely different from the hen.
Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold,
His blazing breeches and high-towering cap—
Imperiously pompous, grandly bold,
Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap!
Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue
Is that in battle he will never hurt you?
W
Wall Street, n.
A symbol of sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter.
[Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call]
Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his callTo battle: “The brokers are parasites all!”
Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail;
Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail,
Go back to your isle of perpetual brume,
Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume:
Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away!
While still you're possessed of a single baubee
(I wish it were pledged to endowment of me)
'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance
Lest its value decline ere your credit advance.
For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea,
Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free!
Washingtonian, n.
A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to him it should be said that he did not want to.
[They took away his vote and gave instead]
They took away his vote and gave insteadThe right, when he had earned, to eat his bread.
In vain—he clamors for his “boss,” poor soul,
To come again and part him from his roll.
Weather, n.
The climate of an hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up of official weather bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle.
[Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see]
Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see,And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be—
Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth,
With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth.
While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incandescent youth,
From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth.
He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote
On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote—
For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow:
“Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow.”
Whangdepootenawah, n.
[Should you ask me whence this laughter]
Whence this audible big-smiling,
With its labial extension,
And its diaphragmic rhythmus
Like the billowing of ocean,
Like the shaking of a carpet,
I should answer, I should tell you:
From the great deeps of the spirit,
From the unplummeted abysmus
Of the soul this laughter welleth
As the fountain, the gug-guggle,
Like the river from the cañon,
To entoken and give warning
That my present mood is sunny.
Should you ask me further question—
Why the great deeps of the spirit,
Why the unplummeted abysmus
Of the soul extrudes this laughter,
This all audible big-smiling,
I should answer, I should tell you
With a white heart, tumpitumpy,
With a true tongue, honest Injun:
William Bryan, he has Caught It,
Caught the Whangdepootenawah!
Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep,
Standing silent in the kneedeep
With his wing-tips crossed behind him
And his neck close-reefed before him,
With his bill, his william, buried
In the down upon his bosom,
With his head retracted inly,
While his shoulders overlook it?
Does the sandhill crane, the shankank,
Wishing he had died when little,
As the sparrow, the chipchip, does?
No 'tis not the Shankank standing,
Standing in the gray and dismal
Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep.
No, 'tis peerless William Bryan
Realizing that he's Caught It,
Caught the Whangdepootenawah!
Worms'-meat, n.
The finished product of which we are the raw material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the Grantarium. Worm's-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that houses it, but “this too must pass away.” Probably the silliest work in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by contrast the foreknown futility.
[Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show!]
How profitless the labor you bestow
Upon a dwelling whose magnificence
The tenant neither can admire nor know.
The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan
By shouldering asunder all the stones
In what to you would be a moment's span.
That when your marble all is dust, arise,
You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes.
Should stand till Time himself be overthrown?
Would it advantage you to dwell therein
Forever as a stain upon a stone?
Y
Yesterday, n.
[But yesterday I should have thought me blest]
But yesterday I should have thought me blestTo stand high-pinnacled upon the peak
Of middle life and look adown the bleak
And unfamiliar foreslope to the West,
Where solemn shadows all the land invest
And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak
Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak
The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest.
Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame
To stay the shadow on the dial's face
At manhood's noonmark! Now, in God His name
I chide aloud the little interspace
Disparting me from Certitude, and fain
Would know the dream and vision ne'er again.
Baruch Arnegriff.
It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was attended at different times by seven doctors.
Z
Zeal, n.
A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.
[When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward]
When Zeal sought Gratitude for his rewardHe went away exclaiming: “O my Lord!”
“What do you want?” the Lord asked, bending down.
“An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown.”
Zigzag, v. t.
To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one carrying the white man's burden. (From zed, z, and jag, an Icelandic word of unknown meaning.)
[He zedjagged so uncomen wyde]
He zedjagged so uncomen wydeThet non coude pas on eyder syde;
So, to com saufly thruh, I been
Constreynet for to doodge betwene.
| The collected works of Ambrose Bierce | |