 | Eli Perkins (at large) |  |
UNCLE CONSIDER, ON TEMPERANCE.
“Eli.”
“Yes, Uncle.”
“Let me read you suthin' from the Christian Union,”
and my Uncle Consider wiped his German-silver glasses
with his red bandana handkerchief, adjusted them on
his nose, and read:
“A man in Jamaica, Long Island, after drinking too much cider,
insisted, against his wife's wishes, on smoking on a load of hay. He
came home that night without any whiskers or eyebrows, and the
iron work of his wagon in a potato sack.”
“This little incident, Eli,” said my Uncle, looking
over his glasses, “preaches a sermon on temperance.
It teaches us all, in these times of public corruption,
tempered by private assassinations, to keep our heads
`spiritoally level.”'
“How can this be done, Uncle?” I asked.
“Jes lis'en to me, Eli, and I'll tell you. I'll open
the flood-gates of wisdom to you, so to speak.” Then
my uncle put one hand on my shoulder, looked me
straight in the face, and said:
“Ef you drink wine, Eli, you will walk in winding
ways; ef you carry too much beer the bier soon will
carry you. Ef you drink brandy punches you will get
handy punches; and ef you allers get the best of
whiskey, Eli, whiskey 'll allers get the best of you.”
“But brandy, Uncle—brandy has saved the lives of
thousands of people—has n't it?” I asked.
“Yes, Eli, brandy has saved thousands of lives, and
do you want to know how—do you? By their not
drinking it, my boy; that's the way it saved their lives.
No, my boy, if you want to keep your spirits up you
mus'n't put your spirits down.”
“Did you ever know brandy and whiskey to do as
much damage as water has, Uncle?” I inquired, modestly.
“Yes, my boy, I have. What has brandy done in
our fam'ly? Didn't I see your Uncle Nathaniel come
home from the lodge one night, after he had taken
too much whiskey in his water, an' didn't he stagger
into the kitchen, get up on a chair and wash the face
of the clock, and then deliberately get down and wind
Didn't he!”
“But when we read in the Bible, Uncle, how much
damage water has done—how it drowned Pharaoh, demoralized
Jonah, and engulfed the whole human family
in the deluge, don't it really make you afraid to drink
any more water in your'n? Don't it?” I said, raising
my voice. “I know water don't cause the destruction
of two-dollar clocks,” I continued, “nor wind up innocent
babies, but it wound up Pharaoh's whole army and
washed down the whole human race and—”
“Shut up, Eli! Don't talk to me. You make me
sick,” shouted my Uncle, gesticulating wildly with one
hand and wiping his eyes with the other. But a moment
afterward he became tranquil, and, looking over
his German-silver glasses thoughtfully, he continued:
“No, no, Eli, my boy, that fust glass of wine has
ruined many a yung man. The other nite,” he continued,
wiping his eyes, “I drempt I saw my fav'rite
sun adrinken from the floin' bole. My hart yarned for
'im an' I strode to'rds 'im. As he razed the wine-glass
in the air I was seezed tragick-like and sez I,
`O Rufus, the serpent lurks in that floin' wine. Giv'
—O giv' it to your father!' and when he past it
to'rds me I quaffed it, serpent an' all, to keep it from
my tender sun. He was saved from the tempter, Eli,
and turnin' with tears in my eyes I remarkt, `O, my
hopeful boy, do anything—skoop burds' nests, stun
French glass winders, match sents, play with powder,
take snuf, take benzine, take photographs,—anything,
but don't take that first glass of wine.'
“`Fear not, father,' answered my noble boy. `That
first glass o' wine be blowed. Us boys is all a-slingin'
in ol' crow whisky and a-punishin' gin
slings and brandy smashers — if we
ain't YEU kan hire a hall for me—yeu
kan!'
“Mi noble boi!” and then Uncle
Consider lighted a 40-cent Partaga and
proceeded to ask James what he had
purchased for the week's supply from
the market.
“I bought two gallons of sherry, sir, four dozen
Burgundy, some of the old rum we had before, some
cheese, two boxes of cigars, and two loaves of bread,
an' it's all here in the larder.”
“All right, James,” said my Uncle, lookin' over his
glasses, “but was there any need of spendin' so much
money for bread?”
And then Uncle Consider went on cutting off his
coupons.
| Eli Perkins (at large) | |