 | Eli Perkins (at large) |  |
E. PERKINS—ATTORNEY AT LAW.
I am now ready to commence
the practice of law in New York.
I've been reading New York law
for two weeks—night and day.
I find all law is based on precedents.
Whenever a client comes
to me and tells me he has
committed a great crime, I take
down the precedent and tell him
what will become of him if he
don't run away.
In cases where clients contemplate
great crimes, I tell them beforehand what will be
the penalty if they don't buy a juryman.
Yesterday a man came to me and said he wanted
to knock Mayor Hall's teeth down his throat. “What
will be the penalty, Mr. Perkins?” he asked.
“Are they false teeth or real teeth?” I inquired.
“False, I think, sir.”
“Then don't do it, sir. False teeth are personal
property; but if they are real, knock away. These
are the precedents:”
TEETH CASES.
A fellow on Third avenue
borrowed a set of false teeth
from the show case of a dentist,
and he was sent to Sing Sing for
four years.
Another fellow knocked a
man's real teeth down his throat,
and Judge Barnard let him off
with a reprimand!
The next day Controller Green came to me and
wanted to knock out Mr. Chas. A. Dana's eye, because
Mr. Dana wrote such long editorials.
“Are they real eyes or glass eyes, Mr. Green?” I
asked.
“One looks like glass, the other is undoubtedly real,”
said Mr. Green.
“Then read this precedent and go for the real
eye:”
POSSIBLE EYE CASES.
Making off with a man's glass
eye—two years in Sing Sing.
Tearing out a man's real eye—
a fine of $5.
In cases of legs I find these precedents:
Stealing a man's crutch—two
years in the Penitentiary.
Breaking a man's leg—a fine
of $10.
So I advise clients to go for real eyes and real legs.
GENERALLY.
I conclude—
Damage to a man's property—
the Penitentiary and severest penalty
which the law admits.
I conclude—
Damage to or destruction of a
man's life—acquittal or a recommendation
to mercy.
Now I am ready to practice. I prefer murder or
manslaughter cases, as they are the simplest. If you
want to shoot a man come and see me, and I'll
make a bargain with the judge and jury, and get you
bail beforehand.
| Eli Perkins (at large) | |