University of Virginia Library

UNCLE CONSIDER AS A CRUSADER.

[ILLUSTRATION] [Description: 627EAF. Page 055. In-line Illustration. Image of a young woman standing with her arms crossed. Three men and one woman are grouped around her smiling. The caption reads, "I'M JES READY TO CRUISE AROUND WITH PRETTY, GALLUS-LOOKIN' GIRLS."]

HOW HE JOINED THE LADIES.

This morning Uncle
Consider returned from
the temperance crusade in
the West.

“What have you been
doing, Uncle?” I asked as
the old man sat polishing
his German silver glasses
with his red bandana handkerchief.

“I've been crusadin' with the
temp'rance wimmen, Eli—been 'stabllishing
temp'rance bar-rooms for
religious people, and—”

“Where — a — bouts, Uncle?” I
interrupted.

“Why, over in Springfield, where
Abe Linkum's monument is. Thar
these wimmen war a processin'
around in a great crowd. As they
kum by the depo' I asked one of the pretty gals whar
the soin' society waz. `Whear you all crusadin' to?'
sez I.

“`Crusadin' to!' sez she, `Why, we ain't a crusadin'
anywhere; we are a visitin' saloons — licker-saloons.

We are organized to put down whiskey. Won't you
jine in, old man?'

“I told 'er I wud. Sez I, `Young woman, that's me
zackly. I'm jes reddy to cruise 'round with pretty,
gallus-lookin' gals any time, and, as fur visitin' saloons,
I'm jes t'ome thar, too I've visited a dog-on many
saloons in my day, and, when it comes to puttin' down
whiskey, young woman,' sez I, `I s'pose I kin put down
more whiskey, an' hard cider, an' Jamaky rum
than—'

“`No, no, old man! we want you to pray in the
saloons—pray for the rumsellers and—'

“`All right,' sez I, `that's me agin. I've preyed
'round all the rumsellers and into all the saloons in
New York, from Harry Hill's to Jerry Thomas's, for
years, and it's jes nothin' but boy's play to prey 'round
these little country saloons.'

“`But who's to furnish the money, young woman?'
sez I.

“Money, old man? Why, this is a labor of love,'
sez she, a col'ring up—`a priceless priv'lege—“without
money and without price,” an'—'

“`All right,' sez I. `I'm jes suited now. Preyin'
'round saloons and puttin' down whiskey “without
money and without price” jes suits me. Z-a-c-k-l-y
so! Put me down a life-member.'

“`And you say it's all free and don't cost a cent,
young woman?” sez I, hesitatin' like.

“`No, sir, old man. Virtue is its only reward. Go
and crusade, and humanity will thank you for doin' it
—posterity will heap benedictions upon you—the great

reformers for centuries to come will rize up and call
you blessed and—'

“`Nuf sed, young woman,' sez I, and then I jes
handed my perlice to the stage-man and jined in. I
preyed 'round 96 rumsellers and into 180 saloons—
puttin' down whiskey and beer and rum an' merlasses
in ev'ry one, till I lost all 'count of myself or anybody
else until the station-house keeper told me about it
the next mornin'.

“An' now, Eli,” said Uncle Consider, looking over
his glasses very mournfully, “if them thar crusadin'
wimmen kum 'round you to get you to help them prey
'round saloons and 'stablish temp'rance bar-rooms, you
jes don't go. Now, you mind me. Don't you go
'round singin'

but you jes stay at home and sing `I want to be an
angel,' with Ginral Butler an' Zack Chanler an' me.”