 | Eli Perkins (at large) |  |
ELI'S HAPPY THOUGHTS.
I saw a man pulling his
arms off trying to get on a
new pair of boots, so I
said:
Happy Thought — They
are too small, my man, and
you will never be able to
get them on till you have
worn them a spell!
I heard an officer in the
Seventh Regiment scolding
a private for coming too
late to drill, so I said:
Happy Thought—Somebody must always come last;
this fellow ought to be praised, Captain, for, if he had
come earlier, he would have shirked this scolding off
upon somebody else!
I saw an old maid at the Fifth Avenue, with her
face covered with wrinkles, turning sadly away from
the mirror, as she said:
Happy Thought—Mirrors nowadays are very faulty,
Uncle Eli. They don't make such nice mirrors as
they used to when I was young!
I heard a young lady from Brooklyn praising the
sun, so I said:
Happy Thought—The sun may be very good, Miss
Mead, but the moon is a good deal better; for she
gives us light in the night when we need it, while the
sun only shines in the day time, when it is light
enough without it!
I saw a man shoot an eagle, and as he dropped on
the ground I said:
Happy Thought—You might have saved your powder,
my man, for the fall alone would have killed him.
An old man in Philadelphia brought a blooming girl
to church, to be married to her. The minister stepped
behind the baptismal font and said, as he sprinkled
water over her head—
Happy Thought—I am glad you brought the dear
child to be baptized!
A young man was disappointed in love at Niagara
Falls, so he went out on a terrible precipice, took off
his clothes, cast one long look into the fearful whirlpool,
and then—
Happy Thought—Went home and went to bed!
Two Mississippi River darkies saw, for the first time,
a train of cars. They were in a quandary to know what
kind of a monster it was, so one said:
Happy Thought—Oh, Sambo! it is a dried up steamboat
getting back into the river!
A poor sick man, with a mustard plaster on him,
said:
Happy Thought—If I should eat a loaf of bread I'd
be a live sandwich!
As a man was burying his wife he said to his friend,
in the graveyard: Alas! you feel happier than I. Yes,
neighbor, said the friend:
Happy Thought—I ought to feel happier, I have two
wives buried here!
A man out west turned State's evidence and swore
he was a member of a gang of thieves. By and by
they found the roll of actual members, and accused
the man of swearing falsely. I was a member, said the
man; I—
Happy Thought—I was an honorary member!
| Eli Perkins (at large) | |