University of Virginia Library

2. BOOK II.

1. CHAP. I.

THERE was, in a certain great city,
a society who called themselves Philosophers.
They had published books,
they called Transactions. These contained
dissertations on the nature and causes
of things; from the stars of the heaven to
the fire-flies of the earth; and from the
sea-crab to the woodland buffaloe. Such
disquisitions, are doubtless useful and entertaining
to an inquisitive mind.

There is no question, but there were in
this body some very great men; whose
investigations of the arcana of nature, deserve
attention. But so it was, there had
been introduced, by some means, many
individuals, who were no philosophers at

all. This is no unusual thing with institutions
of this nature; though, by the
bye, it is a very great fault. For it lessens
the incentives of honour, to have the
access made so easy, that every one may
obtain admission. It has been a reproach
to some colleges, that a diploma could be
purchased for half a crown. This society
were still more moderate; for the bare
scratching the backside of a member has
been known to procure a fellowship. At
least, there have been those admitted who
appeared capable of nothing else.

Nevertheless, it was necessary, even in
these cases, for the candidates to procure
some token of a philosophical turn of mind;
such as the skin of a dead cat, or some
odd kind of a mouse-trap, or the like; or
have some phrases in their mouths, about
minerals and petrifactions; so as just to
support some idea of natural knowledge,
and pass muster. There was one who had
got in by finding, accidentally, the tail
of a rabbit, which had been taken off in
a boy's trap. Another by means of a
squirrel's scalp, which he had taken care
to stretch and dry on a bit of osier, bended
in the form of a hoop. The beard of
an old fox, taken off and dried in the sun,

was the means of introducing one whom
I knew very well: Or rather, as I have
already hinted, it was beforehand intended
he should be introduced; and these
exuviæ, or spoils of the animal kingdom,
were but the tokens and apologies for admission.

It happened, as the Captain was riding
this day, and Teague trotting after him, he
saw a large owl, that had been shot by some
body, and was placed in the crotch of a tree,
about the height of a man's head from the
ground, for those that passed by to look
at. The Captain being struck with it, as
somewhat larger than such birds usually
are, desired Teague to reach it to him;
and tying it to the hinder part of his saddle,
rode along.

Passing by the house of one who belonged
to the society, the bird was noticed at
the saddle-skirts, and the philosopher coming
out, made enquiry of the genus and
nature of the fowl. Said the Captain, I
know nothing more about it, than that it
is nearly as long as a turkey buzzard. It
is doubtless, said the other, the great Canada
owl, that comes from the Lakes; and
if your honour will give me leave, I will
take it and submit it to the society, and

have yourself made a member. As to the
first, the Captain consented; but as to the
last, the being a member, he chose rather
to decline it; conceiving himself unqualified
for a place in such a body. The other
assured him that he was under a very great
mistake; for there were persons there who
scarcely knew a B from a bull's foot. That
may be, said the Captain; but if others
chuse to degrade themselves, by suffering
their names to be used in so preposterous
a way as that, it was no reason he should.

The other gave him to understand, that
the society would certainly wish to express
their sense of his merit, and shew themselves
not inattentive to a virtuoso; that
as he declined the honour himself, he probably
might not be averse to let his servant
take a seat among them.

Said the Captain, He is but a simple
Irishman, and of a low education; his
language being that spoken by the aborigines
of his country. And if he speaks
a little English, it is with the brogue on
his tongue; which would be unbecoming
in a member of your body. It would seem
to me, that a philosopher ought to know
how to write, or at least to read. But
Teague can neither write nor read. He

can sing a song, or whistle an Irish tune;
but is totally illiterate in all things else.
I question much if he could tell you how
many new moons there are in the year;
or any the most common thing that you
could ask him. He is a long-legged fellow,
it is true; and might be of service in
clambering over rocks, or going to the
shores of rivers, to gather curiosities. But
could you not get persons to do this, without
making them members? I have more
respect for science, than to suffer this bog-trotter
to be so advanced at its expence.

In these American states, there is a wide
field for philosophic search; and these researches
may be of great use in agriculture,
mechanics, and astronomy. There
is but little immediate profit attending
these pursuits; but if there can be inducements
of honour, these may supply the
place. What more alluring to a young
man, than the prospect of being, one day,
received into a society of men truly learned;
the admission being a test and a proof
of distinguished knowledge. But the fountain
of honour, thus contaminated by a
sediment foreign from its nature, who
would wish to drink of it?

Said the philosopher, At the first institution

of the society by Dr. Franklin and
others, it was put upon a narrow basis,
and only men of science were considered
proper to compose it; and this might be a
necessary policy at that time, when the institution
was in its infancy, and could not
bear much draw-back of ignorance. But
it has not been judged so necessary of late
years. The matter stands now on a broad
and catholic bottom; and, like the gospel
itself, it is our orders to go out into the
high-ways and hedges, and compel them
to come in. There are hundreds, whose
names you may see on our list, who are
not more instructed than this lad of yours.

They must be a sad set indeed then, said
the Captain. Sad or no sad, said the other,
it is the case; and if you will let Teague
go, I will engage him a membership.

I take it very ill of you, Mr. Philosopher,
said the Captain, to put this nonsense
in his head. If you knew what trouble I
have lately had with a parcel of people
that were for sending him to Congress, you
would be unwilling to draw him from me
for the purpose of making him a philosopher.
It is not an easy matter to get hirelings
now-a-days; and when you do get
one, it is a mere chance, whether he is

faithful, and will suit your purpose. It
would be a very great loss to me, to have
him taken off at this time, when I have
equipped myself for a journey.

Teague was a good deal incensed at this
refusal of his master, and insisted that he
would be a philosopher. You are an ignoramus,
said the Captain. It is not the
being among philosophers will make you
one.

Teague insisted that he had a right to
make the best of his fortune: and as there
was a door open to his advancement, he
did not see why he might not make use
of it.

The Captain finding that it answered no
end to dispute the matter with him, by
words of sense and reason, took a contrary
way to manage him.

Teague, said he, I have a regard for
you, and would wish to see you do well.
But before you take this step, I would
wish to speak a word or two in private. If
you will go, I may perhaps suggest some
things that may be of service to you, for
your future conduct in that body.

Teague consenting, they stepped aside;
and the Captain addressed him in the following
manner:

Teague, said he, do you know what you
are about? It is a fine thing, at first sight,
to be a philosopher, and get into this body.
And indeed, if you are a real philosopher,
it might be some honour, and also
safe, to take that leap. But do you think
it is to make a philosopher of you that
they want you? Far from it. It is their
great study to find curiosities; and because
this man saw you coming after
me, with a red head, trotting like an Esquimaux
Indian, it has struck his mind
to pick you up, and pass you for one.
Nay, it is possible, they may intend worse;
and when they have examined you awhile,
take the skin off you, and pass you for an
over-grown otter, or a musk-rat; or some
outlandish animal, for which they will,
themselves, invent a name. If you were
at the museum of one of these societies, to
observe the quantity of skins and skeletons
they have, you might be well assured they
did not come by them honestly. I know so
much of these people, that I am well persuaded
they would think no more of
throwing you into a kettle of boiling water,
than they would a tarapin; and having
scraped you out to a shell, present you
as the relics of an animal they had procured,
at an immense price, from some

Guinea merchant. Or if they should not
at once turn you to this use, how, in the
mean time, will they dispose of you?
They will have you away through the
bogs and marshes, catching flies and miresnipes;
or send you to the woods for a polecat;
or oblige you to descend into drawwells
for fog, and phlogistic air, and the
Lord knows what. You must go into
wolves dens, and catch bears by the tail;
run over mountains like an opossum, and
dig the earth like a ground hog. You
will have to climb upon trees, and get
yourself bit by flying squirrels. There will
be no end to the musketoes you will have
to dissect. What is all this to diving into
mill-dams and rivers, to get craw-fish. Or
if you go to the ocean, there are alligators
to devour you like a cat-fish. Who
knows but it may come your turn, in a
windy night, to go aloft to the heavens,
to rub down the stars, and give the goats
and rams, that are there, fodder. The
keeping the stars clean, is a laborious
work; a great deal worse than scouring
andirons, or brass kettles. There is a
bull there would think no more of tossing
you on his horns than he would a puppy
dog. If the crab should get you in his
claws he would squeeze you like a lobster.
But what is all that to your having no
place to stand on? How would you like
to be up at the moon, and to fall down
when you had missed your hold, like a
boy from the top-mast of a ship, and have
your brains beat out upon the top of some
great mountain; where the devil might
take your skeleton and give it to the turkey-buzzards?

Or if they should, in the mean time,
excuse from such out of door services, they
will rack and torture you with hard questions.
You must tell them how long the
rays of light are coming from the sun;
how many drops of rain fall in a thunder
gust; what makes the grasshopper chirp
when the sun is hot; how muscle shells
get up to the top of the mountains; how
the Indians got over to America. You
will have to prove absolutely that the negroes
were once white; and that their
flat noses came by some cause in the compass
of human means to produce. These
are puzzling questions; and yet you must
solve them all. Take my advice, and stay
where you are. Many men have ruined
themselves by their ambition, and made
bad worse. There is another kind of

philosophy, which lies more within your
sphere; that is moral philosophy. Every
hostler or hireling can study this, and
you have the most excellent opportunity
of acquiring this knowledge in our traverses
through the country; or communications
at the different taverns or villages,
where we may happen to sojourn.

Teague had long ago given up all
thoughts of philosophy, and would not
for the world have any more to do with
it; and therefore, without bidding the
philosopher adieu, they pursued their route
as usual.

2. CHAP. II.
Containing Observations.

THE institution of the American Philosophical
Society, does great honour
to the founders; and what has been published
by that body, comes not behind what
has appeared from societies of the same
nature elsewhere. But of late years, it
has ceased to be presumptive evidence,
at least what the lawyers call violent presumption,
of philosophical attainments, to
be a member; owing to the spurious brood
of illiterate persons that have been admitted
indiscriminately with the informed; this
again, owing to a political dispute in the
government where this society exists. For
when there are parties in a commonwealth,
they naturally subdivide themselves, and
are found even in the retreats of the muses.
It has become the question with this society,
not whether a man is a philosopher or
not, but what part he had taken in some
question on the carpet. The body conceived

itself to pay a compliment to the person
admitted, as if it could be any honour to
a man to be announced what he is not. The
contrary is the case here. For as honour
is the acknowledgement which the world
makes of a man's respectability, there can
be no honour here; for it has become a
mere matter of moon-shine to be a member.
To be or not be, that is the question;
but so trifling, that it is scarcely ever made.
The way to remedy this, would be to have
an over hauling of the house, and derange
at least three parts in four. As in the case
of Tarquin, and the three remaining books
of the Sybiles, you would receive as much
for the fourth part of that body, should
you set them up at market, as for the
whole at present.

I have often reflected with myself, what
an honour it must be, to be one of the society
of the French academy; forty, of
twenty-four millions of people, are there
selected in consequence of literary characters
already established.

I recollect the time when I had high ideas
of philosophical membership in America.
But it does not appear to me now to
be the highest thing that a man could wish,
since even a common Teague Oregan,

trotting on the high way, has been solicited
to take a seat. It may be said, that this is
an exaggeration of the facts; and can be
considered only as burlesque. I profess it
is not intended as such, but as a fair picture
of what has taken place. Should it
be considered in the light of burlesque, it
must be a very lame one; because where
there is no excess there can be no caricatura.
But omitting all apologies and explanations,
let the matter rest where it is.