University of Virginia Library

2. CHAP. II.

DETAINING some time in a village,
there was a great deal said about
a certain Miss Fog, who was the
belle of the place. Her father had made
a fortune by the purchuse of public securities
A garrison having been at this
place, and troops quartered here, he had
been employed as an issuing commissary!
When the commissioners sat to adjust unliquidated
claims, he had a good deal in
his power, by vouching for the accounts
of the butcher, and baker, and wood-cutter, and water-drawer, and waggoner, and
all others of all occupations whatsoever,
whose claims were purchased by himself,
in the mean time, and when the certificates
issued in their names, they were to
his use. The butcher and baker, no doubt,
long before had been paid out of the flesh
killed, or bread baked; because it is a
good maxim, and a scriptural expression,
“Muzzle not the ox that treadeth out
the corn.” But the public has a broad

back, and a little vouching, by a person
interested, is not greatly felt. These
certificates, though at first of little value,
and issued by the commissioners with
the liberality of those who give what is of
little worth, yet by the funding acts of the
government, having become, in value, equal
to gold and silver, the commissary
had a great estate thrown upon him; so
that, from low beginnings, he had become
a man of fortune and consequence. His
family, and especially the eldest daughter,
shared the advantage; for she had become
the object of almost all wooers. The Captain,
though an old bachelor, as we have
said, had not wholly lost the idea of matrimony.
Happening to be in a circle, one
evening, where Miss Fog was, he took
a liking to her, in all respects save one,
which was, that she seemed, on her part,
to have taken a liking to a certain Mr.
Jacko, who was there present; and to
whose attention she discovered a facility
of acquiescence. The Captain behaved,
for the present, as if he did not observe
the preference; but the following day,
waiting on the young lady at her father's
house, he drew her into conversation, and
began to reason with her, in the following
manner:

Miss Fog, said he, you are a young lady
of great beauty, great sense, and fortune
still greater than either.—This was a sad
blunder in a man of gallantry, but the
lady not being of the greatest sensibility
of nerve, did not perceive it.—On my
part, said he, I am a man of years, but a
man of some reflection; and it would be
much more adviseable in you to trust my
experience, and the mellowness of my
disposition in a state of matrimony, than
the vanity and petulence of this young fop
Jacko, for whom you shew a partiality.
The colour coming into the young lady's
face at this expression, she withdrew, and
left him by himself. The Captain struck
with the rudeness, withdrew also, and,
calling Teague from the kitchen, mounted
his horse and set off.

The next morning shortly after he had
got out of bed, and had just come down
stairs at his lodging, and was buttoning the
knees of his breeches, a light airy looking
young man, with much bowing and civility,
entered the hall of the public house,
and enquiring if this was not Captain Farrago
to whom he had the honour to address

himself, delivered him a paper. On
the perusal, it was found to be a challenge
from Mr. Jacko.

The fact was, that Miss Fog, in order the
more to recommend herself to her suitor,
had informed him of the language of the
Captain. The young man, though he had
no great stomach for the matter, yet according
to the custom of these times, could do
no less than challenge. The bearer was
was what is called his second.

The Captain having read the paper, and
pausing a while, said, Mr. Second, for that
I take to be your stile and character, is it
consistent with reason or common sense,
to be the aider or abettor of another man's
folly; perhaps the prompter: for it is no
uncommon thing with persons to inflame
the passions of their frends, rather than
allay them. This young woman, for I
shall not call her lady, from vanity, or
ill-nature, or both, has become a tale-bearer
to her lover, who, I will venture
to say, thanks her but little for it; as she
has thereby rendered it necessary for him
to take this step. You, in the mean time,
are not blameless, as it became you to have
declined the office, and thereby furnished
an excuse to your friend for not complying

with the custom. For it would have
been a sufficient apology with the lady to
have said, although he was disposed to
fight, yet he could get no one to be his armour-bearer
or assistant. It could have
been put upon the footing, that all had
such regard for his life, that no one would
countenance him in risking it. You would
have saved him by this means, all that uneasiness
which he feels at present, least I
should accept his challenge. I am not so
unacquainted with human nature, as not
to know how disagreeable it must be to
think of having a pistol ball lodged in the
groin or the left breast, or, to make the
best of it, the pan of the knee broke, or
the nose cut off, or some wound less than
mortal given; disagreeable, especially to
to a man in the bloom of life, and on the
point of marriage with a woman to whose
person or fortune he has no exception. I
would venture to say, therefore, there will
be no great difficulty in appeasing this Orlando
Furioso, that has sent me the challenge.
Did you know the state of his
mind, you would find him at prayers this
moment, that I would ease his fears, and
make some apology. A very slight one
would suffice. I dare say, his resentment
against Miss Fog is not slight, and
that he would renounce her person and
fortune both, to get quit of the duel. But
the opinion of the world is against him,
and he must fight. Do you think he has
any great gratitude to you for your services
on this occasion. He had much rather
you had, in the freedom of friendship,
given him a kick on the backside, when
he made application to you; and told him,
that it did not become him to quarrel about
a woman, who had, probably, consulted
but her own vanity, in giving him
the information. In that case, he would
have been more pleased with you a month
hence, than he is at present. I do not
know that he has an overstock of sense;
nevertheless, he cannot be just such a fool,
as not to consider, that you, yourself,
may have pretensions to this belle, and
be disposed to have him out of the way
before you. He must be a fool, indeed,
if he does not reflect, that you had much
rather see us fight than not; from the very
same principle that we take delight in seeing
a cock-match, or a horse-race. The
spectacle is new, and produces a brisk current
of thought through the mind; which
is a constituent of pleasure, the absence
of all movement giving none at all.

What do you suppose I must think of
you, Mr. Second; I, who have read books,
and thought a little on the subject; have
made up my mind in these matters, and
account the squires that bring challenges
from knights, as people of but very small
desert. Thinking men have condemned
the duel, and laws have prohibited it;
but these miscreants still keep it up, by
being the conductors of the fluid. My
indignation, therefore, falls on such, and
I have long ago fixed on the mode of
treating them. It is this: a stout athletic
man calls upon me, with a challenge in his
hand, I knock him down, if I can, without
saying a word. If the natural arm be not
sufficient for this purpuse, I avail myself
of any stone, wooden, or iron instrument
that I cast my eye upon, not just to take
away his life, if I can help it; but to hit
the line as exactly as possible, between actual
homicide, and a very bad wound. For
in this case, I should conceive, a battery
could be justifiable, or at least excuseable,
and the fine not very great; the bearing
a challenge being a breach of the peace,
in the first instance. This would be my

conduct with a stout athletic man, whom
I might think it dangerous to encounter
with fair warning, and on equal terms.
But in the present case, where—(Here
the second began to shew signs of fear,
raising himself, and inclining backwards,
opening his eyes wider, and casting a look
towards the door)—where, continued the
Captain, I have to do with a person of
your slender make, I do not adopt that
surprise, or use an artificial weapon; but
with these fists, which have been used in
early life to agricultural employments, I
shall very deliberately impress a blow. The
second rising to his feet, began to recede
a little. Be under no apprehensions, said
the Captain; I shall use no unfair method
of biting, gouging, or wounding the private
parts. Nay, as you appear to be a
young man of a delicate constitution, I
shall only choak a little. You will give
me leave to take you by the throat in as
easy a manner as possible.

In the mean time, the second had been
withdrawing towards the door, and the
Captain with outstretched arms, in a sideway
direction, proceeding to intercept him.
In an instant, he was seized by the neck,
and the exclamation of murder which he

made at the first grasp, began to die away
in hoarse guttural murmurs of one nearly
strangled, and labouring for breath. The
Captain meaning that he should be more
alarmed than hurt, dismissed him with a salutation
of his foot on the backside, as a
claude ostium, as he went out. You may
be, said he, a gentleman in the opinion of
the world; but you are a low person in
mine; and so shall it be done to every one
who shall come upon such an errand.