 | Artemus Ward, his book ; with many comic
illustrations |  |
JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD.
I take my pen in hand to inform you that I am
in a state of grate bliss, and trust these lines will
find you injoyin the same blessins. I'm reguvinated.
I've found the immortal waters of yooth, so to
speak, and am as limber and frisky as a two-year
old steer, and in the futer them boys which sez to
me “go up, old Bawld hed,” will do so at the peril
of their hazard, individooally. I'm very happy.
My house is full of joy, and I have to git up nights
and larf! Sumtimes I ax myself “is it not a
dream?” & suthin withinto me sez “it air;” but
when I look at them sweet little critters and hear
'em squawk, I know it is a reality—2 realitys, I
may say—and I feel gay.
I returned from the Summer Campane with my
unparaleld show of wax works and livin wild Beests
peple of Baldinsville met me cordully and I immejitly
commenst restin myself with my famerly. The
other nite while I was down to the tavurn tostin my
shins agin the bar room fire & amuzin the krowd
with sum of my adventurs, who shood cum in bare
heded & terrible excited but Bill Stokes, who sez,
sez he, “Old Ward, there's grate doins up to your
house.”
Sez I, “William, how so?”
Sez he, “Bust my gizzud, but its grate doins,” &
then he larfed as if hee'd kill hisself.
Sez I, risin and puttin on a austeer look, “William,
I woodunt be a fool if I had common cents.”
But he kept on larfin till he was black in the
face, when he fell over on to the bunk where the
hostler sleeps, and in a still small voice sed,
“Twins!” I ashure you gents that the grass
didn't grow under my feet on my way home, & I
was follered by a enthoosiastic throng of my feller
sitterzens, who hurrard for Old Ward at the top of
their voises. I found the house chock full of peple.
up darters, lawyer Perkinses wife, Taberthy Ripley,
young Eben Parsuns, Deakun Simmuns folks, the
Skoolmaster, Doctor Jordin, etsettery, etsettery.
Mis Ward was in the west room, which jines the
kitchin. Mis Square Baxter was mixin suthin in a
dipper before the kitchin fire, & a small army of
female wimin were rushin wildly round the house
with bottles of camfire, peaces of flannil, &c. I
never seed sich a hubbub in my natral born dase.
I cood not stay in the west room only a minit, so
strung up was my feelins, so I rusht out and ceased
my dubbel barrild gun.
“What upon airth ales the man?” sez Taberthy
Ripley. “Sakes alive, what air you doin?” & she
grabd me by the coat tales. “What's the matter
with you?” she continnerd.
“Twins, marm,” sez I, “twins!”
“I know it,” sez she, coverin her pretty face
with her apun.
“Wall,” sez I, “that's what's the matter with
me!”
“Wall put down that air gun, you pesky old
fool,” sed she.
“No, marm,” sez I, “this is a Nashunal day.
The glory of this here day isn't confined to Baldinsville
by a darn site. On yonder woodshed,” sed I,
drawin myself up to my full hite and speakin in a
show actin voice, “will I fire a Nashunal saloot!”
sayin whitch I tared myself from her grasp and
rusht to the top of the shed whare I blazed away
until Square Baxter's hired man and my son
Artemus Juneyer cum and took me down by mane
force.
On returnin to the Kitchin I found quite a lot of
people seated be4 the fire, a talkin the event over.
They made room for me & I sot down. “Quite a
eppisode,” sed Docter Jordin, litin his pipe with a
red hot coal.
“Yes,” sed I, “2 eppisodes, waying abowt 18
pounds jintly.”
“A perfeck coop de tat,” sed the skoolmaster.
“E pluribus unum, in proprietor persony,” sed I,
thinking I'd let him know I understood furrin
“It is indeed a momentious event,” sed young
Eben Parsuns, who has been 2 quarters to the
Akademy.
“I never heard twins called by that name afore,”
sed I, “but I spose it's all rite.”
“We shall soon have Wards enuff,” sed the
editer of the Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty, who
was lookin over a bundle of exchange papers in the
corner, “to apply to the legislater for a City
Charter?”
“Good for you, old man!” sed I, “giv that air
a conspickius place in the next Bugle.”
“How redicklus,” sed pretty Susan Fletcher,
coverin her face with her knittin work & larfin like
all possest.
“Wall, for my part,” sed Jane Maria Peasley
who is the crossest old made in the world, “I think
you all act like a pack of fools.”
Sez I, “Mis. Peasly, air you a parent?”
Sez she, “No, I aint.”
Sez I, “Mis. Peasly, you never will be.”
She left.
We sot there talkin & larfin until “the switchin
hour of nite, when grave yards yawn & Josts troop
4th,” as old Bill Shakespire aptlee obsarves in his
dramy of John Sheppard, esq., or the Moral House
Breaker, when we broke up & disbursed.
Muther & children is a doin well; & as Resolushuns
is the order of the day I will feel obleeged if
you'll insurt the follerin—
Whereas, two Eppisodes has happined up to the
undersined's house, which is Twins; & Whereas I
like this, stile, sade twins bein of the male perswashun
& both boys; there4 Be it
Resolved, that to them nabers who did the fare
thing by sade Eppisodes my hart felt thanks is doo.
Resolved, that I do most hartily thank Engine
Ko. No. 17 who, under the impreshun from the fuss
at my house on that auspishus nite that thare was a
konflagration goin on, kum galyiantly to the spot,
but kindly refraned frum squirtin.
Resolved, that frum the Bottum of my Sole do I
idea of Sarahnadin me, both on that great nite &
sinse.
Resolved, that my thanks is doo several members
of the Baldinsville meetin house who fur 3 whole
dase hain't kalled me a sinful skoffer or intreeted me
to mend my wicked wase and jine sade meetin house
to onct.
Resolved, that my Boozum teams with meny kind
emoshuns towards the follerin individoouls, to whit
namelee—Mis. Square Baxter, who Jenerusly refoozed
to take a sent for a bottle of camfire; lawyer
Perkinses wife who rit sum versis on the Eppisodes;
the Editer of the Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty,
who nobly assisted me in wollupin my Kangeroo,
which sagashus little cuss seriusly disturbed the Eppisodes
by his outrajus screetchins & kickins up;
Mis. Hirum Doolittle, who kindly furnisht sum cold
vittles at a tryin time, when it wasunt konvenient
to cook vittles at my house; & the Peasleys, Parsunses
& Watsunses fur there meny ax of kindness.
| Artemus Ward, his book ; with many comic
illustrations | |