 | Artemus Ward, his book ; with many comic
illustrations |  |
MOSES, THE SASSY; OR, THE DISGUISED
DUKE.
1. CHAPTER I. — Elizy.
My story opens in the classic presinks of Bostin
In the parler of a bloated aristocratic mansion on
Bacon street sits a luvly young lady, whose hair is
cuverd ore with the frosts of between 17 Summers.
She has just sot down to the piany, and is warblin
the poplar ballad called "Smells of the Notion,"
in which she tells how with pensive thought, she
wandered by a C beat shore. The son is settin in
its horizon, and its gorjus light pores in a golden
meller flud through the winders, and makes the
young lady twict as beautiful nor what she was before,
which is onnecessary. She is magnificently
dressed up in a Berago basque, with poplin trimmins,
Also, considerable gauze. Her dress contains
16 flounders and her shoes is red morocker,
with gold spangles onto them. Presently she
jumps up with a wild snort, and pressin her hands
to her brow, she exclaims: “Methinks I see a
voice!”
A noble youth of 27 summers enters. He is attired
in a red shirt and black trowsis, which last air
turned up over his boots; his hat, which it is a
plug, being cockt onto one side of his classical hed.
In sooth, he was a heroic lookin person, with a fine
shape. Grease, in its barmiest days near projuced
a more hefty cavileer. Gazin upon him admirinly
for a spell, Elizy (for that was her name) organized
herself into a tabloo, and stated as follers.
“Ha! do me eyes deceive me earsight? Is it
some dreams? No, I reckon not! That frame!
them store close! those nose! Yes, it is me own,
me only Moses!”
He (Moses) folded her to his hart, with the remark
that he was “a hunkey boy.”
2. CHAPTER II. — Was Moses of Noble Birth?
Moses was foreman of Engine Co. No. 40.
Forty's fellers had just bin havin an annual reunion
with Fifty's fellers, on the day I introjuce
Moses to my readers, and Moses had his arms full
of trofees, to wit: 4 scalps, 5 eyes, 3 fingers, 7
ears, (which he chawed off) and several half and
quarter sections of noses. When the fair Elizy recovered
from her delight at meetin Moses, she
said: — “How hast the battle gonest? Tell me!”
“We chawed 'em up — that's what we did!”
said the bold Moses.
“I thank the gods!” sed the fair Elizy. “Thou
did'st excellent well. And, Moses,” she continnered,
layin her hed confidinly agin his weskit, “dost know
I sumtimes think thou istest of noble birth?”
“No!” said he, wildly ketchin hold of hisself.
“You don't say so!”
“Indeed do I! Your dead grandfather's sperrit
comest to me the tother night.”
“Oh no, I guess it's a mistake,” sed Moses.
“I'll bet two dollars and a quarter he did!” replied
Elizy. “He said, `Moses is a Disguised
Juke!' ”
“You mean Duke,” said Moses.
“Dost not the actors all call it Juke!” said she.
That settled the matter.
“I hav thought of this thing afore,” said Moses,
abstractedly. “If it is so, then thus it must be!
2 B or not 2 B! Which? Sow, sow! But enuff.
O life! life!—you're too many for me!” He
tore out some of his pretty yeller hair, stampt on
the floor sevril times, and was gone.
3. CHAPTER III.—The Pirut Folled.
Sixteen long and weary years has elapst since the
seens narrated in the last chapter took place. A
noble ship, the Sary June, is a sailin from France to
Ameriky via the Wabash Canal. A pirut ship is in
hot pursoot of the Sary. The pirut capting isn't a
man of much principle and intends to kill all the
people on bored the Sary and confiscate the wallerbles.
The capting of the S. J. is on the pint of
a buffalo overcoat rushes forored and obsarves:
“Old man! go down stairs! Retire to the starbud
bulk-hed! I'll take charge of this Bote!”
“Owdashus cuss!” yelled the capting, “away
with thee or I shall do mur-rer-der-r-r!”
“Skurcely,” obsarved the stranger, and he drew
a diamond-hilted fish-knife and cut orf the capting's
hed. He expired shortly, his last words bein, “we
are governed too much.”
“People!” sed the stranger, “I'm the Juke
d'Moses!”
“Old hoss!” sed a passenger, “methinks thou
art blowin!” whareupon the Juke cut orf his hed
also.
“Oh that I should live to see myself a ded
body!” screamed the unfortnit man. “But don't
print any verses about my deth in the newspapers,
for if you do I'll haunt ye!”
“People!” sed the Juke, “I alone can save you
from yon bloody pirut! Ho! a peck of oats!”
The oats was brought, and the Juke, boldly mountin
pirut rapidly approached, chucklin with fiendish delight
at the idee of increasin his ill-gotten gains.
But the leadin hoss of the pirut ship stopt suddent
on comin to the oats, and commenst for to devour
them. In vain the piruts swore and throwd stones
and bottles at the hoss—he wouldn't budge a
inch. Meanwhile the Sary Jane, her hosses on the
full jump, was fast leavin the pirut ship!
“Onct agin do I escape deth!” sed the Juke between
his clencht teeth, still on the jibpoop.
4. CHAPTER IV.—The Wanderer's Return.
The Juke was Moses the Says! Yes, it was!
He had bin to France and now he was home agin
in Bostin, which gave birth to a Bunker Hill!!
He had some trouble in gitting hisself acknowledged
as Juke in France, as the Orleans Dienasty
and Borebones were fernest him, but he finally conkered.
Elizy knowd him right off, as one of his
ears and a part of his nose had bin chawed off in
his fights with opposition firemen durin boyhood's
by all, both grate and small. Their children,
of which they have numerous, often go up onto the
Common and see the Fountain squirt.
This is my 1st attempt at writin a Tail & it is far
from bein perfeck, but if I have indoosed folks to
see that in 9 cases out of 10 they can either make
Life as barren as the Dessert of Sarah, or as joyyus
as a flower garding, my objeck will have bin
accomplished, and more too.
| Artemus Ward, his book ; with many comic
illustrations | |