 | Artemus Ward, his book ; with many comic
illustrations |  |
THE CENSUS.
The Sences taker in our town bein taken sick he
deppertised me to go out for him one day, and as he
was too ill to giv me informashun how to perceed, I
was consekently compelled to go it blind. Sittin
down by the road side I drawd up the follerin list of
questions which I proposed to ax the peple I visited:
Wat's your age?
Whar was you born?
Air yon marrid, and if so how do you like it?
How many children hav you, and do they sufficiently
resemble you as to proclood the possibility of
their belongin to any of your nabers?
Did you ever hav the measels, and if so how
many?
Hav you a twin brother several years older than
yourself?
How many parents hav you?
Do you read Watt's Hims regler?
Do you use boughten tobacker?
Wat's your fitin wate?
Air you trubeld with biles?
How does your meresham culler?
State whether you air blind, deaf, idiotic or got
the heaves?
Do you know any Opry singers, and if so how
much do they owe you?
What's the average of virtoo on the Ery Canawl?
If 4 barrils of Emptins pored onto a barn floor
will kiver it how many plase can Dion Boureicault
write in a year?
Is Beans a regler article of diet in your family?
How many chickins hav you, on foot and in the
shell?
Air you aware that Injianny whisky is used in
New York shootin galrys instid of pistils, and that it
shoots furthest?
Was you ever at Niagry Falls?
Was you ever in the Penitentiary?
State how much pork, impendin crysis, Dutch
cheeze, popler suvrinty, standard poetry, childrens'
strainer's, slave code, catnip, red flannel, ancient
histry, pickled tomaters, old junk, perfoomery, coal
ile, liberty, hoop skirt, &c., you hav on hand?
But it didn't work. I got into a row at the fust
house I stopt to, with some old maids. Disbelieven
the ansers they giv in regard to their ages I endevered
to open their mouths and look at their teeth,
same as they do with hosses, but they floo into a vilent
rage and tackled me with brooms and sich.
Takin the senses requires experiunse, like any other
bizniss.
| Artemus Ward, his book ; with many comic
illustrations | |