 | Artemus Ward, his book ; with many comic
illustrations |  |
AMONG THE SPIRITS.
My naburs is mourn harf crazy on the new
fangled idear about Sperrets. Sperretooul Sircles
is held nitely & 4 or 5 long hared fellers has settled
here and gone into the sperret biznis excloosively.
A atemt was made to git Mrs. A. Ward to embark
into the Sperret biznis but the atemt faled. 1 of
the long hared fellers told her she was a ethereal
creeter & wood make a sweet mejium, whareupon
she attact him with a mop handle & drove him out
of the house. I will hear obsarve that Mrs. Ward
is a invalerble womun — the partner of my goys
& the shairer of my sorrers. In my absunse she
watchis my interests & things with a Eagle Eye &
when I return she welcums me in afectionate stile.
Trooly it is with us as it was with Mr. & Mrs.
Ingomer in the Play, to whit —
2 harts which beet as 1.
My naburs injooced me to attend a Sperretooul
Sircle at Squire Smith's. When I arrove I found
the east room chock full includin all the old maids
in the villige & the long hared fellers a4sed. When
I went in I was salootid with “hear cums the benited
man” — “hear cums the hory-heded unbeleever”
— “hear cums the skoffer at trooth,”
etsettery, etsettery.
Sez I, “my frens, it's troo I'm hear, & now bring
on your Sperrets.”
1 of the long hared fellers riz up and sed he
would state a few remarks. He sed man was a
critter of intelleck & was movin on to a Gole.
Sum men had bigger intellecks than other men had
and thay wood git to the Gole the soonerest. Sum
men was beests & wood never git into the Gole at
all. He sed the Erth was materiel but man was
immaterial, and hens man was different from the
Erth. The Erth, continnered the speaker, resolves
round on its own axeltree onct in 24 hours, but as
man haint gut no axeltree he cant resolve. He
sed the ethereal essunce of the koordinate branchis
progrest in harmonial coexistunce & eventooally
anty humanized theirselves & turned into reglar
sperretuellers. [This was versifferusly applauded
by the cumpany, and as I make it a pint to get
along as pleasant as possible, I sung out “bully
for you, old boy.”]
The cumpany then drew round the table and the
Sircle kommenst to go it. Thay axed me if thare
was anbody in the Sperret land which I wood like
to convarse with. I sed if Bill Tompkins, who was
onct my partner in the show biznis, was sober, I
should like to convarse with him a few periods.
“Is the Sperret of William Tompkins present?”
sed 1 of the long hared chaps, and there was three
knox on the table.
Sez I, “William, how goze it, Old Sweetness?”
“Pretty ruff, old hoss,” he replide.
That was a pleasant way we had of addressm
each other when he was in the flesh.
“Air you in the show bizniz, William,” sed I.
He sed he was. He sed he & John Bunyan was
Jonson & Co.'s Circus. He sed old Bun
(meanin Mr. Bunyan,) stired up the animils &
ground the organ while he tended door. Occashunally
Mr. Bunyan sung a comic song. The Circus
was doin middlin well. Bill Shakspeer had made a
grate hit with old Bob Ridley, and Ben Jonson was
delitin the peple with his trooly grate ax of hossmanship
without saddul or bridal. Thay was rehersin
Dixey's Land & expected it would knock the
peple.
Sez I, “William, my luvly frend, can you pay
me that 13 dollars you owe me?” He sed no with
one of the most tremenjis knox I ever experiunsed.
The Sircle sed he had gone. “Air you gone,
William?” I axed. “Rayther,” he replide, and I
knowd it was no use to pursoo the subjeck furder.
I then called fur my farther.
“How's things, daddy?”
“Middlin, my son, middlin.”
“Ain't you proud of your orfurn boy?”
“Scacely.”
“Why not, my parient?”
“Becawz you hav gone to writin for the noospapers,
my son. Bimeby you'll lose all your character
for trooth and verrasserty. When I helpt you
into the show biznis I told you to dignerfy that
there profeshun. Litteratoor is low.”
He also statid that he was doin middlin well in
the peanut biznis & liked it putty well, tho' the
climit was rather warm.
When the Sircle stopt thay axed me what I thawt
of it.
Sez I, “my frends I've bin into the show biznis
now goin on 23 years. Theres a artikil in the
Constitooshun of the United States which sez in
effeck that everybody may think just as he darn
pleazes, & them is my sentiments to a hare. You
dowtlis beleeve this Sperret doctrin while I think it
is a little mixt. Just so soon as a man becums a
reglar out & out Sperret rapper he leeves orf
workin, lets his hare grow all over his fase & commensis
spungin his livin out of other people. He
eats all the dickshunaries he can find & goze round
& little children & destroyin the piece of mind of
evry famerlee he enters. He don't do nobody no
good & is a cuss to society & a pirit on honest
peple's corn beef barrils. Admittin all you say
abowt the doctrin to be troo, I must say the
reglar perfessional Sperrit rappers — them as makes
a biznis on it air — abowt the most ornery set of
cusses I ever enkountered in my life. So sayin I
put on my surtoot and went home.
Respectably Yures,
Artemus Ward.
"Don't Spear me agin, if you please." [See Page 50.]
[Description: 482EAF. Image of an older woman on a train pushing her handkerchief towards Artemus.]
| Artemus Ward, his book ; with many comic
illustrations | |