University of Virginia Library

TRIES AN EXPERIMENT.

Mankind is the most perverse and onrezonable beins uv the human
family. Wile they assent 2 a principle, they never will put it into
practis ef it bares hard onto em ez indivijjles, to-wit:

I had bin for sevral weeks deliverin a coarse uv lekters on the divinity
uv slaivry. I argood that the institooshn wuz based upon
the infeeriority uv wun man 2 another—that it wuz not only a wise
but a bootiful pervision uv nacher that the strong shood hev charge
uv the week, a guidin, and protektin and a workin uv em. The idee
plezed my congregashen vastly, and fifteen or twenty uv the strongest
perposed that it shood be put into praktis, jest 2 show the world
that the grate doctrine cood be carried out jest as well in the North
as in the South. To wich I assented to-wunst, and at the next biznis
meetin, the follerin plan wuz adoptid: The members uv the congregashen
shood try ther strength, and them as cood lift 600 shood own
and possess, in fee simple, all them ez coodent.

The trial wuz hed, the divizshen maid, and I wuz happy at bein
the umble instrooment uv plantin the grate institooshen on Northrin
sile.

But alas, owin 2 the perversity uv the human mind, aforesaid, it
dident work. Old John Podhammer razed his 600 with the gratest
eeze, wile Bill Sniffles, who wuz a workin fer him fer 12 dolers a
munth coodent fetch it. Podhammer went over to Bill's cabin, the
next mornin, and sez he, “Wilyum, frum this time hentz4th, and

furever yoo air my man. As all a slaiv has is his masters, the 18
dolers I owe yoo, or that I did owe yoo afore this blessid system wuz
establisht, I shel kepe, and as yoo hev moar furnytoor than befits
yoor lowly condishen, I will send a teem over to-morrer, and taik
yer bewrow and stand, and bedstids up to my house, and—”

At this junctur in cums Mrs. Sniffles, who kin lift 600 with old
Podhammer on the top uv it, and it wuz no time afore she diskivered
wat his biznis wuz. She turned red in the fais. Sed she:

“Yoor goin to take my furnytoor?”

“Certingly.”

“And we air yoor slaivs?”

“Uv coarse.”

“And yoo kin sell my children?”

“Naterally.”

“And yoo kin maik me yoor conkebine?”

“Ef I wish?”

“Yoo old beest!” shreckt the infooriated femail chattel, forgettin
her normal condishn, “yoo sell my babies, yoo taik my furnytoor,
drat ye, I'll giv ye sum uv it now,” whereupon she hurled a chare,
wich laid him prostrait on the flore, wen she pickt him up and flung
him out the dore.

It did not end here: Podhammer hed in his hand a patch-work
coverlid, wich he thot he wood taik with him, and wen he cum to he
walked off with it, whereupon Mrs. Sniffles hed him took up on a
charge uv steelin, and he wuz actooaly tride, found gilty, and sent
to jail fer 30 daze. How kin we establish Dimocratic institooshens,
wen the corts won't recognize the laws of nacher. The experiment,
for the present, hez the apperentz of a failyer.