University of Virginia Library

COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS.

I hev bin for menny yeres disposed to bleeve in speritooalism.
Ther is suthin plesent in the idee uv bein in communicashen with
them ez hev gone before, as it may be reznable supozed that frum
their stan-pint they kin see things in a more clearer lite than we who
is encumbered with clay. Akordingly I invited a distingisht mejum
to visit my flock. * * * * * * *

A circle wuz formd, and I wuz requestid to call fer the sperit uv
sum wun. Hevin a few Abolishnists present, whom I wisht to enliten
on politikle topix, I cald for Tomus Jefferson. “Tomus,” sez I,
“wuz yoo the father uv Dimocrasy?”

(I use my own langige, ez them old fellers wuz not alluz elegant.)

“I wuz.”

“Tomus, are the party now barin the name yoor child?”

“Not any. Its a mizable bastard, born uv John C. Calhoon, and
that old hag, Stait Rites, and a low-lived whelp it is. My heirs is
them ez supports the Guverment I help to maik.”

“But, Tomus, wood yoo hev us support a Abolishn war fer the
perpus uv freein niggers?”

The sperit rapt out with awful distinknis, “We hold these trooths
to be self-evident that awl men is creatid ekal, and endoud with certing
inaleyenable rites, among wich is life, liberty—”

At this pint I stopt the mejum. I knew the sperit wuz not Tomus
Jefferson, but a imposter, hevin heerd a Abolishn preecher use the
same langige at a 4th uv Guly selebrashen. I then cald Androo Jaxon,
hoo respondid.

“Androo,” sez I, “woodent yoo like to be back on yearth, jist
now?”

“Yoo kin bet I wood,” retortid he. “I'd like to hev bin President
in the plais uv that old, white-liverd, black-cockade Fedralist,
Bookannon. Wat a hangin ther wood hev bin! Ther wood hev bin

vacansis in Congris, and jest ez menny funerals ez ther wuz vacansis.
As fer Sowth Carliny,”—

The communycashen ceesd, and I heerd a sound like the grittin uv
teeth. It resoomed. “I'd string up Valandigum, and Fernandy
Wood, and Sam Medary, et settry. It wood be a bad old joke on
them indivijjles ef I hed controle of the habis corpus, I'd—”

I refoozed to here ferther. This sperit wuz also ondoutdly a imposter.

I cald fer Benton, who merely sed that Mizsory wuz comin to her
sensis in gittin rid uv slaivry, and fer Duglis who remarkt that he
cood say uv the temple of Dimocrisy ez the Savior sed of the sinagog,
“My howse is cald a howse of prayr, but ye hev maid it a den
of theeves,” both of whom wuz onquestionably imposters. Another
sperit (probably of a deceest abolishnist,) sed that Benedict Arnold
and Judis Iscariot hadent bin on speekin terms fer sum time, Iscariot
hevin called Arnold a copperhed. Arnold sed he'd never stand that.

Duglis cum back, and sed he had jest wun word 2 say. The Dimocratic
party wuz wunst grate, but it hed got in2 bad hands and gon
crazy as a drunken bed-bug. It needid new manajers—men uv suffishent
sence and honisty to run the party on old prinsipples. In the
old hands it wuz a pattryotic party—a party that wuz alluz for the
country. It whaled the British in 1812, and afterwards nockt the
hind sites off uv the old Fedral party fer opposin it. It smasht Mexico,
and afterwards smasht the Whig party fer not helpin. Now for
the Dimocrisy to oppose a war agin rebels who not only commenst it,
but hed actooally bustid the party itself, is loonacy unekaled in the
histry uv the world. Squelch them tuppenny pollytishns who hev
heeved the mantels wunst worn by Jaxon and Benton (they look in
em jest about as well as a orgin grinders munky wood in a soljer's
overkote, and fill em jest as much), get onto a war platform, and”—

I didn't care about persooin my investigashens enny ferther, pertikelerly
ez the Abolishnists were all a snickrin. Its my privit opinyun
that thers nothin relyable about it. Hed the sperits bin reely
them uv Jefferson, Jaxon, and sich, they woodent hev talkt so much
undilootid niggerism.

However, it did me very well. The mejum took up a colleckshun
uv six dolers, wich, by a singler coincidence, was the eggact amount
I hed intendid to charge him fer the use uv my church. He grumbeld,
but finelly sheld out. I am now warin a new pare uv pants.