University of Virginia Library

HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT.

I felt it my dooty to visit Washinton. The misarable condishon
the Dimocrisy find themselvs into sinse the elecshen, makes it nessary
that suthin be did, and therefore I determind to see wat cood be
effectid by a persnel intervew with the Presdent.

Interdoosin myself, I opened upon him delikitly, thus:

“Linkin,” sez I, “ez a Dimocrat, a free-born Dimocrat, who is prepard
to die with neetnis and dispatch, and on short notis, fer the inalienable
rite uv free speech—knoin also that you er a goriller, a
feendish ape, a thirster after blud, I speek.”

“Speek on,” sez he.

“I am a Ohio Dimocrat,” sez I, “who hez repoodiatid Valandigum.”

“Before or sinse the elecshin, did yoo repoodiate him?” sez he.

“Sinse,” retortid I.

“I thot so,” sed he. “I would hev dun it too, hed I bin you,”
continnered he with a goriller like grin.

“We air now in favor uv a wiggerus prosecushen uv the war, and
we want you to so alter yoor polisy that we kin act with yoo, corjelly,”
sez I.

“Say on,” sez he.

“I will. We don't want yoo to change yoor polisy, materially.
We air modrit. Anxshus to support yoo we ask yoo to adopt the follerin
trifling changis:

Restoar to us our habis corpusses, as good ez new.

Arrest no moar men, wimmin and children, fer opinyun's saik.

Repele the ojus confisticashen bill, wich irrytaits the Suthern mind
and fires the Suthern hart.

Do away with drafts and conskripshens.

Revoak the Emansipashen proclamashen, and give bonds that you'll
never ishoo a nother.

Do away with tresury noats and sich, and pay nuthin but gold.

Protect our dawters frum nigger eqwality.

Disarm yoor nigger soljers, and send back the niggers to ther owners
to conciliate them.

Offer to assoom the war indetednis uv the South, and plej the Guverment
to remoonerate our Suthrin brethren fer the looses they hev
sustaned in this onnatral war.

Call a convenshen uv Suthern men and sech gileless Northern men
ez F. Peerce, J. Bookannun, Fernandough Wood and myself, to agree
upon the terms uv re-union.

“Is that all,” sez the goriller.

“No,” sez I promptly. “Ez a garantee uv good faith to us, we
shel insist that the best haff uv the orifises be given to Dimocrats
who repoodiate Valandigum. Do this, Linkin, and yoo throw lard
ile on the trubbled waters. Do this and yoo rally to yoor support
thowsends uv noble Dimocrats, who went out uv offis with Bookannon,
and hev bin gittin ther whisky on tick ever sinse. We hev

maid sakrifises. We hev repoodiatid Valandigum—we care not ef
he rots in Canady—we are willin to jine the war party reservin to
ourselvs the poor privilidg uv dictatin how and on wat prinsipples it
shel be carried on. Linkin! Goriller! Ape! I hev dun.”

The President replide that he wood give the matter serious considerashen.
He wood menshen the idee uv resinin to Seward, Chais and
Blair, and wood addres a serculer to the Postmasters et settry, an
and see how menny uv em wood be willin to resine to acommodai
Dimocrats. He hed no dout sevral wood do it to-wunst. “Is ther
any littel thing I kin do fer you?”

“Nothin pertikler. I wood accept a small Post orifis, if sitooatid
within ezy range uv a distilry, My politikle daze is well nigh over.
Let me but see the old party wunst moar in the assendency—let these
old eyes onct moar behold the Constooshn ez it is, the Union ez it
wuz, and the Nigger ware he ought 2 be, and I will rap the mantel
uv privit life arownd me, and go in2 delirum tremens happy. I hev
no ambishen. I am in the sear and yaller leef. These whitnin lox,
them sunken cheak, warn me that age and whisky hev dun ther perfeek
work, and that I shell soon go hents. Linkin, scorn not my
wurds. I hev sed. Adoo.

So sayin I wavd my hand impressively and walkd away.