University of Virginia Library

WAILETH.

I'm sad—and waxed. My hed is a fountin uv teers, and mine eyes
distil dilootid corn-joose. My hart is lead, and my sole is pot-bellied
with greef. My lims ake with woe, my manly form is bowd, and my
venrable lox is turnd white. O, Valandigum, thow hast gon to the
grave, and in the same toom is berrid all my hopes. Adoo, vane
world, adoo! I'll be a nunnery.

The fait uv the peeple uv Ohio is seeld. Valandigum,

Is not only a exile far away, but ther is a cheerful prospek, wich is
daily improvin, uv his continnerin in the exile biznis fer an indeffynit
peryod uv time. A tyrannikle Presydent hez taken our old habis
corpusses from us, and persistenly refuses to furnish us new wuns—
and the peeple hevin acqwiest by their votes, we lay bound hand and
foot. Men fleein from conskripshen and sich, kin be seezd and dragd
in2 slavery—cavelry drest in odjus bloo hez license to hunt the pantin
fugitive, who, after drawin his bounty and pay, changis his mind
and desires to return to the buzem uv his family, and the shootin uv
enrollin orfisers and tax assessors will now be considerd a crime. Alas!

The news affectid me variously. I hed our township all fixt, hevin
distribbitid tikkits, and knowin nun uv em cood skratch em, ez they
don't rite enny. I reseevd the returns with a gratifide smile. “Bless
yoo, my children, you hev dun nobly,” sez I. Presently a currier
arrived, bringin the disturbin intellygens that the Northren countis
giv Bruff 30 thowsen, and 2 minnits thereafter another arrivd statin
that the Suthrin countis had got loonatik and given Bruff 35 thowsend.
With a harterendin and sole tarin shreck, I fell a inannymait
corps on the flore. * * * * I awoke. A oder uv
suthin natrel filled the room, givin me life agin. It wuz whisky.
The worthy woman to whose house I borde, hed bin rubbin the soles
uv my feet with a jug, and givin me small dosis uv the Restorer thro
a funnel. Her exershens restord me to life agen. I presume the
fact uv my owin six months board did not nerve her frajile arm. It
wuz revrens.

Despondent and weery uv life, I attempted sooiside. I mixt my
licker fer a day; I red a entire number uv the Crisis; I peroozed
“Cotton is King,” “Pulpit Pollytiks,” and “Valandigum's Record,”
but all in vane. Ez a last desprit resorce, I attemptid to pizon myself
by drinkin water, but that faled me. My stumick rejected it—I
puked.

I am 2 much prosteratid to offer either advise or consolashen to
my Dimecratic frends. We air in a stait uv abgect cussitude. To
see Waid and Chaise, and Oen Luvgoy, and that 3 ply Abolishnist
Horis Greely, feelin good, is prusic asid and strick9 to us. I shell
seek releef from my sorrers in the floin bole.