University of Virginia Library

LETTER LV.
In which Cousin Ephraim explains the science of Land-speculation.

Dear Cousin Jack, — The Legislater folks have all
cleared out to-day one arter t'other jest like a flock of
sheep; and some of 'em have left me in the lurch tu, for
they cleared out without paying me for my apples.
Some of 'em went off in my debt as much as twenty
cents, and some ninepence, and a shilling, and so on.
They all kept telling me when they got paid off, they'd
settle up with me. And so I waited with patience till
they adjourned, and thought I was as sure of my money
as though it was in the Bank.

But, my patience, when they did adjourn, such a hubbub
I guess you never see. They were flying about
from one room to another, like so many pigeons shot in
the head. They run into Mr Harris' room and clawed
the money off of his table, hand over fist. I brustled up
to some of 'em, and tried to settle. I come to one man
that owed me twelve cents, and he had a ninepence in

change, but he wouldn't let me have that, because he
should lose a half cent. So, while we were bothering
about it, trying to get it changed, the first I knew the
rest of 'em had got their money in their pockets and
were off like a shot, some of 'em in stages, and some in
sleighs, and some footing it. I out and followed after
'em, but 'twas no use; I couldn't catch one of 'em.
And as for my money, and apples tu, I guess I shall
have to whistle for 'em now. Its pesky hard, for I owe
four and sixpence here yet for my board, and I've paid
away every cent I've got for my apples, and dont know
but I shall have to come down with another load to clear
out my expenses. Howsomever, you know uncle Joshua
always told us never to cry for spilt milk, so I mean to
hold my head up yet.

I dont know but I shall have to give up retailing apples,
I meet with so many head-flaws about it. I was
thinking that, soon as the Legislater adjourned, I'd take
a load of apples and apple-sass, and a few sassages, and
come on to Washington, and go long with your company
to South Carolina. But they say Mr Clay has put a
stopper on that nullification business, so that its ten
chances to one you wont have to go.

I dont care so much about the apple business after all;
for I've found out a way to get rich forty times as fast
as I can by retailing apples, or as you can by hunting
after an office. And I advise you to come right home,
as quick as you can come. Here's a business going on
here that you can get rich by, ten times as quick as you
can in any office, even if you should get to be President.
The President dont have but twenty-five thousand dollars
a year; but in this ere business that's going on here,
a man can make twenty-five thousand dollars in a week
if he's a mind to, and not work hard neither.

I spose by this time you begin to feel rather in a
pucker to know what this business is. I'll tell you: but
you must keep it to yourself, for if all them are

Washington folks and Congress folks should come on
here and go to dipping into it, I'm afraid they'd cut us all
out. But between you and me, its only jest buying and
selling land. Why, Jack, its forty times more profitable
than money digging, or any other business that you ever
see. I knew a man here t'other day from Bangor, that
made ten thousand dollars, and I guess he want more
than an hour about it. Most all the folks here and down
to Portland and Bangor have got their fortunes made,
and now we are beginning to take hold of it up in the
country.

They've got a slice up in Downingville, and I missed
it by being down here selling apples, or I should had a
finger in the pie. Uncle Joshua Downing, you know
he's an old fox, and always knows where to jump; well,
he see how every body was getting rich, so he went and
bought a piece of a township up back of Downingville,
and give his note for a thousand dollars for it. And
then he sold it to uncle Jacob and took his note for two
thousand dollars; and uncle Jacob sold it to uncle
Zackary and took his note for three thousand dollars;
and uncle Zackary sold it to uncle Jim, and took his
note for four thousand dollars; and uncle Jim sold it to
cousin Sam, and took his note for five thousand dollars;
and cousin Sam sold it to Bill Johnson, and took his
note for six thousand dollars. So you see there's five
of 'em that want worth ninepence apiece before, have
now got a thousand dollars apiece clear, when their
notes are paid. And Bill Johnson's going to logging off
of it, and they say he'll make more than any of 'em.

Come home, Jack, come home by all means, if you
want to get rich. Give up your commission, and think
no more about being President, or any thing else, but
come home and buy land before its all gone.