University of Virginia Library

3. No. III.
Giving some account of Peleg Bissel's Churn.

My Good Friend. — “The Government” will leave
here on Saturday, so you must tell all our friends to stop
sending any more letters here. We go strait to Washington,
to put things to rights there for winter.

I and the Gineral have got things now pretty considerable
snug; and it is raly curious to see how much more
easy and simple all the public affairs go on than they
did a spell ago, when Mr Adams was President. If it
warnt for Congress meetin we cou'd jest go about pretty
much where we pleased, and keep things strait too; and
I begin to think now with the Gineral, that ater all,
there is no great shakes in managin the affairs of the nation.
We have pretty much all on us ben joggin about
now since last grass; and things are jest as strait and
clear now as they was then. The Gineral has nigh upon
made up his mind, that there is no use to have any more
Congress. They only bother us — they wou'd do more
good to stay at home, and write letters to us tellin what
is goin on among 'em at home. It would save a considerable
sum of money too; and I'm also sartin that there
is a plagy raft of fellows on wages that dont earn nothin.
Howsoever, we are goin on makin things more simple
every day, and we once and a while nock off a pretty
considerable number of cogg wheels and trunnel
heads.

The Gineral says he likes things simple as a mouse
trap. But what I like most is, he wont have no one
about him who outranks me, so there is me, and Major
Barry, and Major Smith, and Major Earl, and Major

Donaldson, and Major Lewis, and Major Eaton; — and
the major part of a pretty considerable of a man to
do the printing, and tell the folks where we be, and
once and a while where the land sales and contracts
be too. There is enuff on us to do all that's wanted.
Every day jest ater breakfast, the Gineral lights his
pipe, and begins to think pretty hard, and I and Major
Donaldson begin to open letters for him; and there is
more than three bushels every day, and all the while
coming. We dont git through more than a bushel a
day; and never trouble long ones, unless they come
from Mr Van Buren, or Mr Kindle, or some other of
our great folks. Then we sort 'em out, jest as Zekel
Bigelow does the mackerel at his Packin Yard, for tho'
there are plagy many more sorts than he finds among
fish, we ony make three sorts, and keep three big baskets,
one marked `not red,' another `red, and worth
nothin,' and another `red, and to be answered.' And
then all the Gineral has to do is to say, `Major, I
reckon we best say so and so to that,' and I say `jest
so,' or not, as the notion takes me — and then we go
at it.

We keep all the Secretaries, and the Vice President,
and some District Attornys, and a good many more of
our folks, and Amos Kindle, moving about; and they
tell us jest how the cat jumps. And as I said afore, if
it warnt for Congress meetin once a year, we'd put the
Government in a one horse wagon and go jest where
we liked.

The Gineral was amazingly tickled t'other day. Peleg
Bissel — (you know Peleg, who is all the while whitlin,
and sawin, and makin clocks, and apple parers, and
churns, and lives nigh Seth Sprague's School house,
down to Downingville,) well, Peleg sent the Gineral a
new churn of his own invention; and he calls it the
`Jackson Churn,' he wants a patent for it. The cute
critur says, in his letter to the Gineral, that that are

churn is jest like his government — its ony got one
wheel, and a smasher; and that it will make more butter
than any other churn, and out of eny most any thing.
The Gineral is so well pleased with it, he will set and
turn it nearly all day. Says he, `Major, I like this ere
churn amazingly, that Bissel is a knowin fellow. If that
churn had been made by Congress, it would have more
than fifty wheels and springs, and make no more butter
ater all. Major,' says he, `tell Peleg I thank him; and
send him a patent.'

And so I did; and I telled him in the letter, that the
Gineral would keep his churn in the hall of the white
house, to let folks see that it did n't require as many cog
wheels to make butter as they think on, and then when
they come up chamber, in the Cabinet Room, and find
ony me and the President, they 'll understand it the better.
When the Gineral come to sign this letter, `well,'
says he, `Major, that's just what I was thinkin on.
We get every day an everlastin bach of letters from Mr
Van Buren and Amos Kindle, and they are so plagy
jagged, that we cant make 'em fit exactly with some
others, eny most as jagged, from the South and West,
and all from our folks too. One wants one thing, and
one wants t'other. Some of our folks down South say,
if the Bank is put down, we shall all be split up into
splinters there. And jest so, ony t'other way, they say,
we shant find in a week any of our folks north if the
Bank is rechartered, and some talk of the Nullifiers in
Georgia going for Mr Van Buren, and that we must look
out sharp, and not do nothin agin 'em. And some say
that are tower of Mr Webster away West, and his
speeches, bother some on 'em plagily. I was a little
stumped for a spell myself; and I tell'd the Gineral,
says I `Gineral, if you expect me to satisfy all these
folks, you're mistaken, we cant do it,' says I. `Well
then,' says he, `we must send for Mr Van Buren.' This
kinder nettled me, and says I, `Gineral, you ha'nt forgot

that are churn already' — `no, no,' says he, `we'll
stick to that Major.' `Well then,' says I, `do you think
that Mr Van Buren will use that are churn? he keeps
his bread buttered,' says I, `by more wheels than that
are churn's got.' `Well Major,” says the Gineral, `he
is a plagy curious critter, ater all — he'll make wheels
turn sometimes right agin one another, yet he gits along
— and when he lets his slice fall, or some one nocks it out
of his hand, it always somehow falls butter side up'—
`well,' says I, `Gineral, dont you know why?' `not exactly,'
says he, `Major' — `well,' says I, — `I'll tell you
— he butters both sides at once,' says I. The Gineral
drew his face all into a rumple for about a minute, and
then he snorted right out.

The Gineral talks of goin to the Hermitage next
spring — he says he thinks he has done enuf for the
country — and I think so too — he says I may go along
with him or stay and lend Mr Van Buren a hand — we'll
say something about this in the Message.