University of Virginia Library

4. No. IV.
The Public Crib at Washington.

My good old Friend — Ever since we got `the Government'
back here from the Rip Raps, we have been
as busy as if we was all on us cocking hay jist afore a
shower.

I tell'd you some time ago that I and the Gineral was

fittin and jointin the beams and rafters of the message,
but almost every day some plaguy new motion comes in
from Mr Van Buren, and some other of our folks, and
we have to chizzle new mortises, and run new braces
and string pieces, so that I begin to think it will look
curious enuf when its done. The Gineral says he
dont care how it fronts, only he is determined to show a
sharp corner to the Nullifiers. We shall have a good
deal to say about the Grand Tower; there is nothin since
the 8th of January at New-Orleans tickles the Gineral
half so much. Every time we talk about it, the Gineral
gits right up, and says he, `Major, I ony wish I was fifty
years younger, and then,' says he, `give me the yankees
east of Horse Neck, and I'd like no better sport than to
have nullification all over the rest of creation.'

When things dont go right, and the Gineral gits a little
wrathy, if I ony tell him the yankees are ready to back
him, he is as firm as granite. It would make you crawl
all over to read that letter we writ to France, when we
come to hear that the King there kinder shuffled round
that bill we drawed on him. `He wont pay it, wont he?'
Says he — `Major, what do you think of that?'—`why,'
says I, `Gineral, I think its a nasty mean action — and a
rascally one too, says I.' `Well,' says he, `that's enuff,'
— and then we writ the letter, — its jest like Zekel Bigelow's
speech — it cuts, shaves, and makes the hair fly —
and if it dont bring the money, I'm mistaken.

If Mr Livingston had stayd one week longer in York,
the Gineral was for sending me right out.

The most curious part of `the Government' here, is
to manage the office seekers. You see, things aint now
as they was afore Mr Van Buren's time, then it was
kinder divided round among the Departments.

The Post Master Gineral appointed all the Post Masters
and their folks. The Secretary of the Treasury
appointed all the folks in the Custom Houses, and all
folks who collected money. These two had an ever

lastin batch of fellers to appint, and made them feel
pretty considerable big, and then the War Secretary had
a good slice in appinting the cadets, and Ingen Agents,
and all the contracts was kinder sifted round among the
Departments; and so by the time a new President was
to be made, some of these Secretaries was a leetle bigger
than the President himself. Now this is the way they
kinder jockied Mr Adams, who got to be the smallest
man at Washington, by lettin other folks plant his corn,
and do his huskin; and afore he knowd it, his own field
was all in weeds — and theirs well howed, rich and clean
as a whistle.

But things aint so now, we've got ony one crib, and
that's a whappin one too, and ony one door to it; and
when we shell out our corn, we take good care and
know well who gets it, and where he is going to plant it;
and that aint all — we make 'em agree about the Huskin
Frolic,[1] for that's the best ont arter all.

The longer I am in `the Government' the more I
larn. But I must allow that of all the inventions I've
hearn on of Mr Van Buren's, this is about the slickest.

There is ony one thing wantin, and that he is tryin
for pretty hard — and that is the Bank. If he can ony
get that in the crib too, Virginy fences would n't stop
our cattle.

Ony think what an everlastin raft of fellows we should
have — all the Presidents and Cashiers, and Clerks, and
Money Counters, about the crib, from Downingville to
New-Orleans! — and that aint the best ont; we would
have a branch alongside every post office to keep our
postages safe.

I should like this well enuf if I was sartin I and the
Gineral and Mr Van Buren was to be here all the while,
to keep a good look out on the crib door. But the

Gineral talks of going hum to put the Hermitage to
rights; and I am in the notion that Congress is a leetle
too strong for `the Government' when the Gineral aint
in it — and I shall go with him. I am eny most fag'd
out myself, and I begin to think with the Gineral, I have
done enuf for the country.

We are lookin for Amos Kindle now every hour. He
writ the Gineral tother day, and teld him my `Bank
Report' warn't true, and that I must have got a loan of
Squire Biddle. Now that's jist the way with some folks.
What they dont know they guess at; and it's jist so with
old Miss Crane, who keeps the tavern this side Downingville
— jist as sure as any one goes by without stopping,
the old critur says, `There goes so and so, and has
got no money, too, and he knows I would n't trust him.'

Howsumever, no one can make the Gineral rathy with
me. He knows I am the best friend about him; whenever
they gets things in any kind of a twist or a snarl,
says he, `Major, do you unravel that. I'm the big
wheel and you are the smasher,' says he; and then we
jist give Peleg Bissel's churn a turn or two and all is
right.

You don't print my letters right — you git some words
wrong and spell 'em bad. Jist so the printers sarved the
Gineral's letters too; and folks thought he didn't know
nothin, till we got to Cambridge, where they made a
doctor on him.