LETTER XXIX.
In which Mr Downing tells how the Jacksonites at last
got the `healing act' down the throats of the Huntonites.
Portland, Saturday, March 5, 1831.
Dear Uncle Joshua.—I aint dead, but I spose you
begin to feel kind of uneasy about me, bein I have n't
writ home so long. Well, I'll tell you how 'twas; I've
had this ere cold and one thing another, so bad, I did n't
feel hardly smart enough to write. And besides I got
so skeer'd that night the Jacksonites poured their doctor
stuff, what they call the healing plaster, down the
throates of the Huntonites, that I did n't dare to go
nigh 'em agin for a good while for fear they'd pour some
of their pesky stuff down my throat. But I'm sorry I
did n't write afore, for I've let it alone so long now, that
my work has got desputly behindhand. When I writ to
you before, the Jacksonites were holding the Huntonites
by the hair of the head with one hand and trying to
cram the healing plaster down their throats with 'tother,
and the Huntonites were kicking and scrabbling, and
gritting their teeth together with all their might, and
doubling up their fists and stamping, and declaring up
hill and down, that they would never take it. And they
were so upstropulous about it for a while, I did n't know
as they ever would swallow it. But the Jacksonites
were the stoutest, and held on to 'em like a dog to a
root, and kept 'em there all day and all the evening till
about midnight, and then the poor Huntonites seemed
to be a most dragged out. I fairly pitied 'em. Along
in the first of it they threatened pretty stoutly, and declared
by every thing that's black and blue, if they had
to take this dirty dose and should happen to be strongest
next year, they'd make the Jacksonites take a dose
worth two of this. But all the threatening did n't do
any good; and then they fell to begging and coaxing,
and that did n't do any good nother. The Jacksonites
said they should not only take it, but they should take it
that night before they slept. At last they got their
hands and feet tied, and kept bringing it up a little
nearer and little nearer to their mouths, and the Huntonites
got so they could n't do nothing but
spit. But
the Jacksonites did n't mind the spitting, for you know
it is n't for the doctor to stand about being spit upon a
little, when he's giving medicine. Just before the last
ont, the poor Huntonites rolled their eyes dreadfully,
and I believe some on 'em lost their senses a little; one
of 'em took a notion that they were agoing to make him
swallow a whole live goose, feathers and all; and he
begged of 'em, if they would n't take out the gizzard
and 'tother inside things, that they'd jest pull out the pin
feathers, so that it would n't scratch his throat going
down. But they did n't pay no attention to him, and
just before the clock struck twelve they grabbed 'em by
the throat, and pried their mouths open, and poured it
in. The Huntonites guggled a little, but they had to
swallow it. A day or two arterwards they made some
of the Sinneters take it in the same way. They had
a considerable tussle for it, but not quite so bad as they
had in the House.
Some thought this healing dose would make the Huntonites
worse, and some thought it would make 'em better.
I've watched 'em ever since they took it whenever
I dared to go near the Legislater, and I cant see much
alteration in 'em. But that or something else has kicked
up a monstrous dust amongst other folks all over the
world amost. I've been looking over the newspapers a
little, and I never see the world in such a terrible hubbub
before in all my life. Every body seems to be running
mad, and jest ready to eat each other up. There's
Russia snapping her teeth like a great bear, and is just
agoing to eat up the Poles, I dont mean Ephraim's bean
poles, but all the folks that live in Poland; not that
are Poland up there where Mr Dunn lives, but that
great Poland over along side of Russia. And there's
the Dutch trying to eat up Holland, and the Belgians
are trying to eat up the Dutch, and there's ` five great
powers' trying to pour a healing dose down the throat
of the king of the Netherlands, and there's Mr O'Connell
trying to make the king of England and Parliament
take a healing dose, and there's Ireland jest ready to
eat up Mr O'Connel, and all the kings of Europe are
trying to eat up the people, and the people are all trying
to eat up the kings.
And our great folks in this country too, away off
there to Washington, have got into such a snarl, I guess
it would puzzle a Philadelphy lawyer to get 'em out of
it. There's the President and Mr Calhoun and Mr
Van Buren and the two great republican papers, and
half a dozen more of 'em, all together by the ears; but
which of 'em will eat up the rest I don't know. I've
heard a good many guess that Mr Van Buren would eat
up the whole toat of 'em; for they say although he's a
small man, there isn't another man in the country, that
can eat his way through a political pudding so slick as
he can. These are dreadful times, uncle; I don't know
what 'll become of the world, if I dont get an office
pretty soon.
It seems to me there must be something out of the
way to make so much confusion in the world; and I
hope the Legislater before they adjourn will pass a general
healing act to cure all these difficulties. They 've
been talking about passing a healing act to cure our
state house up to Augusta, for they say its too small,
and they intend to bring it down here to Portland to
cure it. But I guess it 'll give 'em a pull, for they say
the Kennebeckers are master fellers to hold on.
They had a kind of a flusteration here to-day in the
Legislater. The Speaker 's cleared out, and left 'em,
because the Governor said he'd taken his turn sitting in
the Chair long enough, and he must go and sit on the
Bench awhile now. And then they went to work and
chose that good natured man from Monmouth for Speaker.
I meant to a told you about them are two great
meetings they 've had here to make Governors and
Presidents and one thing another: but I hav'nt time to-day.
One of 'em made Mr Smith Governor for next year
and Gineral Jackson President; and 'tother made Mr
Sprague governor, and kind of put Mr Clay a brewing
for President.
If you think its best for me to run again for governor
another year I wish you'd call our friends together up
there and have me nominated, for there's nothing like
starting in season in these matters.
Your loving neffu,
JACK DOWNING.
