Satires and miscellaneous poetry and prose :: :: University of Virginia Library

[Mens] Talents Grow more Bold and Confident,
The further th' are beyond their Just Extent.
As Smattrers Prove more Arrogant and Peart
The less they truly understand an Art;
And, where th' ave least Capacity to doubt,
Are wont t' appeare more Peremptory, and Stout;
While those that Know the Mathematique Lines
Where Nature all the wit of Man Confines,
And when it keep's within it's Bounds, and where
It Act's beyond the Limits of it's Sphere,
Injoy an Absoluter free Command
O're all they have a Right to understand,
Then those that falsly venture to Incroach
Where Nature has denyd the[m] all Approach;
And still the more they strive to understand,
Like Great Estates, run furthest Behinde Hand;
Will undertake the Univers to Fathom,
From Infinite, down to a Single Atom,
Without a Geometrique Instrument,
To take their own Capacity's Extent;
Can tell as Easy how the world was made
As if they had been brought up to the Trade,
And whether Chance, Necessity, or Matter
Contrivd the whole œconomy of Nature;
When all their Wits to understand the World
Can never tell why a Pigs Tayle is Curld
Or give a Rational Accompt, why Fish
That always use to Drink, do never Pisse.
What Mad Phantastique Gambols have been P[l]ayd
By th' antique Greek Forefathers of the Trade?

That were not much Inferior to the Freaks
Of all our Lunatique, Fanatique Sects:
The First and Best Philosopher of Athens,
Was Crackt, and Ran stark-staring mad with Patience;
And had no other way to shew his wit,
But when his Wife was in her Scolding Fit:
Was after in the Pagan Inquisition,
And sufferd Martyrdom for no Religion.
Next him, his Scholler striving to Expell
All Poets, his Poetique Common-weal,
Exild himself, and al his Followers,
Notorious Poets only Bating verse.
The Stagyrite, unable to Expound
The Euripus, leapt int' it, and was Drownd:
So he, that put his Eies out, to Consider,
And Contemplate on Natural things, the steadier:
Did but himself for Idiot convince,
Tho Reverenct by the Learned ever since.
Empedocles, to be esteemd a God,
Leapt into Ætna with [his] Sandals shod,
That b'ing blown out, discoverd what an Ass,
The Great Philosopher, and Jugler was,
That to his own New Deity sacrifict
And was himself the victime, and the Priest.
The Cynique coynd False Money, and for feare
Of being Hangd for't, turnd Philosopher:
Yet with his Lanthorn went by Day to finde
One Honest Man in th' Heap of all Mankind;
An Idle Freak, he needed not have don,
If he had known himself to be but one.
With swarms of Magots of the self-same Rate,
The Learned of all Ages celebrate:
Things that are properer for Knights-bridg-Colledge,
Then th' Authors, and Originals of Knowledg;
More Sottish then the two Fanatiques trying
To mend the World, by Laughing or by Crying:
Or he, that laughd until he chokd his whistle,
To Rally on an Ass, that eate a Thistle.
That th' Antique Sage, who was Gallant t' a Goose
A Fitter Mistres could not Pick and Chuse

Whose Tempers, Inclinations, Sense, and wit
Like two Indentures, did agree so fit.

The Antient Sceptiques constantly Denyd,
What they maintaind, and thought they Justifyd:
For when Th' Affirmd, That Nothing's to be known,
They did but what they sayd, before, Disowne:
And, [like] Polemiques of the Post, Pronounce
The same things, to be true, and False at once.

These Follies had such Influence on the Rabble,
As to Ingage them in Perpetual Squabble;
Divided Rome, And Athens, into clans
Of Ignorant Mechanique Partizans:
That to maintaine their Own Hypotheses,
Broke one anothers Block-heads, and the Peace.
Were often set by Officers i' th' Stocks
For Quarrelling about a Paradox,
When Pudding-wives were launchd in cockquen stooles,
For Falling-foul on Oyster-womens Schooles:
No Herb-women sold Cabbages, or Inions
But to their Gossips of their own Opinions,
A Peripatetique Cobler scornd to sole
A Pair of Shoos of any other Schoole
And Porters of the Judgment of the Stoiques
To go on Errand of the Cyrenaiques,
That us'd t'encounter in Athletique Lists
With Beard to Beard and Teeth and Nailes to Fists:
Like modern Kicks, and Cufs among the Youth
Of Academiques, to maintaine the Truth:
But, in the Boldest Feates of Arms, the Stoique,
And Epicureans, were the most Heroique,
That stoutly venturd breaking of their Necks,
To vindicate the Intrests of their Sects.
And stil behavd themselves as Resolute
In waging Cuffs, and Bruises, as Dispute,
Until with wounds, and Bruises, which th' had got,
Some Hundred were kild Dead, upon the Spot:
When al their Quarrels (rightly understood)
Were but to prove Disputes, the Sovrain Good.

Distinctions, that had been at first Design'd
To Regulate the Errors of the Minde,
By b'ing too Nicely over-straind, and vext,
Have made the Comment, harder then the Text;
And do not now (like Carving) hit the Joynt,
But break the Bones, in Pieces, of a Poynt:
And with Impertinent Evasions, force
The Clearest Reason, from it's Native Course—
That argue things s' uncertaine, 'tis no Matter
Whether they are, or never were in Nature,
And venture to Demonstrate when th' are slurd
And Palmd, a Fallacy upon a Word.
For Disputants (As Sword-men use to fence,
With Blunted Foyles) Dispute with Blunted Sense,
And as th' [are] wont to Falsify a Blow,
Use nothing else to Pass upon the Foe.
Or if they venture further to attack,
Like Bowlers, strive to Beat away the Jack:
And when they finde themselves, too hardly Prest-on,
Prævaricate, and change the State o' th' Question,
The Noblest Science of Defence, and Art,
In Practice now with all that Controvert;
And th' only Mode of Prizes, from Bear-garden
Down to the Schooles, in giving Blows, or warding.

As old Knights Errant in their Harnes fought
As Safe as in a Castle, or Redout,
Gave one another Desperat Attaques
To storme the Counter Scarps upon their Backs,
So Disputants Advance, and Post their Armes
To storm the works of one anothers Tearms,
Fall Foul on some extravagant Expression
But nere Attempt the maine Designe and Reason—
So some Polemiques, use to Draw their Swords
Against the Language only, and the words;
As He, who fought at Barriers with Salmasius
Ingagd with nothing but his Style, and Phrases,
Wav'd to assert the Murther of a Prince,
The Author of False Latin to Convince;
But Layd the Merits of the Cause aside,

By those who understood 'em to be try'd;
And counted Breaking Priscians Head a thing
More Capital then to behead a King,
For which H' has been admir'd by all the Learnd
Or Knavs concernd, and Pedants unconcern'd.

Judgement is but a Curious Pair of Scales,
That turn's with th' Hundredth Part of True, or False
And still the more 'tis usd, is wont, t' abate
The Subtlety, and Nicenes of it's weight.
Untill 'tis False, and will not Rise, nor Fall;
Like those that are less Artificiall,
And therefore Students, in their way of Judging,
Are faine to swallow many a Senseles Gudgeon:
And by their over-underst[and]ing loose
Its Active Faculty with too much use.
For Reason, when too Curiously 'tis Spun,
Is but the next of all Removd from none:

It is Opinion governs all Mankind
As wisely as the Blinde, that leads the Blinde:
For as those Sur-names are Esteemd the Best
That signify, in all things else, the Least,
So men Pass fairest in the worlds Opinion,
That have the least of Truth and Reason in 'em.
Truth would undo the world, if it Possest
The Meanest of its Right, and Interest.
Is but a titular Princes, whose Authority
Is always under-age, and in Minority;
Has al things don, and carryd in her Name,
But most of all, where she can lay no Clame.
As far from Gayety, and Complesance,
As Greatness, Pride, Ambition, Ignorance.
And therefore has surrenderd her Dominion
Ore all Mankind, to barbarous opinion.
That in her Right, usurps the Tyrannys
And Arbitrary Government of Lyes—

As no Tricks on the Rope, but those that Break
Or come most Near to breaking of a Neck
Are worth the Sight: so nothing Go's for wit,
But Nonsense, or the next of al to it.

For Nonsense being neither False, nor tru,
A Little wit to any thing may Screw.
And when it has a while been usd of Course
Wil stand as well in virtu, Powr and Force
And Pass for Sense t' all Purposes as good
As if it had at first been understood.
For Nonsense, has the Amplest Priviledges
And more then all the Strongest Sense, oblige's.
That furnishes the Schools, with Tearms of Art
The Mysterys of Science, to Impart.
Supplys all Seminarys, with Recruites
Of endless Controversys, and Disputes,
For Learned Nonsense has a Deeper Sound
Then Easy Sense, and go's for more Profound.

The greatest writers commonly Compile,
At Charge of Nothing, but the words and Style.
And all the Nicest Critiques of the Learnd
Believe themselves in Nothing else concernd.
For as it is the Garniture and Dress
That all things weare in Books and Languages
And all Mens Qualitis are wont t' appeare
According to the Habits that they weare,
'Tis Probable to be the Fittest Test,
Of all the ingenuity o' th' Rest:
The Lives of Trees Ly chiefly in their Barks,
And all the wit i' th' Styles of Learned Clerks,
Hence 'twas, the Antient Roman Politicians
Went to the Schooles of Forrain Rhetoricians
To learn the Art of Patrons (in Defence
Of Intrest, and their Clients) Eloquence:
When Consuls, Censors, Senators, and Prætors,
With great Dictators, usd t' apply to Rhetors:
To heare the Greater Magistrate, o' th' School,
Give Sentence in his Haughty Chair-Curule.
And those who Mighty Nations over-came,
Were fain to say their Lessons, and declame.

Words are but Pictures, tru or False Designd
To Draw the Lines, and Features of the Minde,
The Characters and artificial Draughts

T' express the inward Images of thoughts;
And Artists say a Picture may be good
Altho the Moral be not understood;
Whence some Infer, They may Admire a Style,
Though all the Rest be ere so Mean and vile:
Applaud th' outsides of words, but never minde,
With what Fantastique Taudery th' are Lyn'd.

So Orators, Inchanted with the Twang
Of their own Trillos, take Delight t' Harangue;
Whose Science, like a Juglers Box, and Balls
Convey's, and Counterchanges Tru, and False.
Cast's Mists before their Audiences eies,
To Pass the one, for th' other in Disguise:
And like a Morice-Dancer drest with Bells,
Only to serve for Noyse, and Nothing else,
Such as a Carryer make's his Cattle weare
And Hang's for Pendents in a Horses Eare:
For if the Style and Language beare the Test,
No matter what become's, of all the Rest:
The Ablest orator, to save a word,
Would throw all Sense, and Reason, over boord.

Hence 'tis that nothing else, but Eloquence,
Is tyd to such a Prodigal Expence;
That Lay's out Halfe the wit, and Sense it uses
Upon the other halfes, as vain excuses.
For all Defences, and Apologies,
Are but Specifique's, t' other Frauds and Lies;
And th' Artificiall wash of Eloquence,
Is dawbd in vaine, upon the Clearest Sense.
Only to staine the Native Ingenuity,
Of æqual Brevity, and Perspicuity.
While all the Best, and Sobrest, Feats he does;
Are when he Coughs, or Spits, or Blows his Nose,
Handles no Poynt, so evident, and cleare
(Beside his white Gloves) as his Handkercher;
Unfold's the Nicest Scruple, so Distinct,
As if his Talent had been wrapd-up in't
(Unthriftily) and now he went about
Henceforward to Improve, and put it out.

For Pædants are a Mungrel Breed that Sojorn
Among the Ancient writers, and the modern;
And while their studys are between the one,
And th' other spent, have nothing of their own;
Like Spunges, are both Plants, and Animals
And equally to both their Natures false.
For whether 'tis their want of Conversation,
Inclines them to al Sorts of Affectation:
Their Sedentary Life, and Melancholy,
The Everlasting Nursery of Folly;
Their Poring upon Black and White too subtly
Has turnd the Insides of their Brains to Motly,
Or squandring of their wits, and time, upon
Too many things, has made them fit for none,
Their Constant over-straining of the minde
Distort[s] the Braine, as Horses break their winde;
Or Rude Confusions of the things they Read
Get up like noxious vapours in th[e] Head,
Untill they have their Constant wanes, and Fuls
And Changes, in the Insides of their Skuls;
Or venturing beyond the reach of wit
Had rendred them for al things else unfit;
But never bring the world and Books together
And therefore never Rightly Judg of either;
Whence multitudes of Revrend men and Critiques
Have got a kinde of Intellectual Riquets,
And by th' Immoderate Excess of Study
Have found the Sickly Head t' outgrow the Body.

For Pedantry is but a Corn, or wart
Bred in the Skin of Judgment, Sense, and Art,
A Stupifyd Excrescence, like a Wen
Fed by the Peccant Humors of Learnd Men,
That never Grows from Natural Defects
Of Downright and untutord Intellects,
But from the over curious and vain
Distempers of an Artificial Brain—

So Hee that once stood for the Learnedst man,
Had Read-out Little-Britain, and Duck-Lane,
Worn out his Reason, and Reducd his Body
And Brain to nothing, with Perpetual Study:

Kept Tutors of all Sorts, and virtuosos,
To Read all Authors to him, with their Glosses,
And made his Laqueis (when he walkd) Beare Folios
Of Dictionarys, Lexicons, and Scolios
To be Read to him evry way, the winde
Should chance to sit before him, or Behind:
Had read out all the imaginary Duels
That had been fou[gh]t by Consonants and vowel[s];
Had Crackt his Scul, to find out Proper-Places,
To lay up all Memoires of things in Cases,
And Practicd all the Tricks upon the Carts
To Play with Packs of Sciences and Arts,
That serve t' improve a Feeble Gamsters Study
That venture's at Grammatique Beast, or Noddy;
Had Read-out all the Catalogues of wares
That come in Dry fats o're, from Francfort-faires,
Whose Authors use t' articulate their Surnames
With Scraps of Greek, more Learned then the Germans:
Was wont to scatter Books in evry Roome
Where they might best bee seen, by all that come,
And lay a Train, that natrally should force
What he designd, as if it fel of Course.
And all this; with a worse Success then Cardan,
Who bought both Bookes and Learning at a Bargain
When lighting on a Philosophique Spel,
Of which he never Knew one Syllable,
Presto be gone! H' unriddled all he Read
As if he had to nothing else been Bred.