University of Virginia Library

There was a Doctor, That with Sturdy Paines,
And many years vexation of his Braines:
Believ'd H' had found-out, (As they call their Guesses,)
An Universall Cure, for all Diseases;
And now Durst challenge Death to do it's worst,
And Meet him at more woepons, if it durst,
Then ever Charletan, upon a wall,
Did Post him up, to Play a Prize with all.
And Rout him Easily, at all the Ills,
With which the Coward clogs the weekly Bills:
This b'ing Resolvd, He now began to count
To what his Fees, would in a yeare Amount:
And found 'em Rise (each Malady b'ing ceast
One with another) rather with the Least
Then Over-Rated, To a Sum more vast,
Then all the Publique Thieverys could wast.
Some times He thought of Building Hospitalls
And setting-up his Name, upon the wals,
Where those of all Professions, that had livd
By Physique formerly, might be, Relievd.
But then he Guest; That would but make them worse,
And hinder some to take a Better Course.
For those Endowments allways are Possest,
By none but those, that have deservd the[m] Least;
And therefore Rather Pitcht on Colledges
Where Lazy Drones might Study Sleep and Ease
And Dunces, that are Fit for nothing else
Might loose their time, Industriously in Cels;
But then He cald to minde, there are such Store
Of those Already, that to Set up more,
Where Greater Numbers Freely might Retreat,
And take Degrees, to Loyter, sleep, and Eate;
The Church, and State, in Time, might want Supplys
Of Able Men to be Imployd, and Rise,
And forcd to take in, tho against their Hearts,
Men of Indiffrent Honesty and Parts.

One Afternoone, His wife unsatisfyd
With what her Share amounted, to Divide;
Who had endowd her, with some slight Disease,
To buy her Pins, and Trinquets, with her Fees:
After a Feind and Counterfet Caress
Of False, and Artificial Tendernes,
She thought, at last to whedle, and Trepan
Of some Maladies the Good old Man,
And told him in a Childs Affected Tone,
She must have more Diseases of her own;
For those she had already would not bring
The Money in; as tru as any thing.
And therefore some small Gruntling must to adjust
The Sum, b' allowd, Indeed, my Deare, it must,
Altho my only Naming of a Sum
Has made thee look a little Tiny-Grum;
For when but two are Buryd in a week,
It is not like that many should be sick.
And when Diseases happen to fall short
I am not like to fare the Better for't.
What Times were Those! Had wee but had it then
When evry week eight Thou[sa]nd Dyd, or Ten!
And when we shal againe have such a Season,
I see but little Hopes, we have, in Reason:
And therefor, as I sayd, some Paultry Aile
Must be Allowd for what is like to Fail.

Quoth he! That Mad Extravagance, The Pique
Of which your Sex Perpetuall is Sick,
That Longs for what, was never meant, for Food:
And Loath's as much the wholsom, and the Good:
I finde is Proof against the Greatest Pow'r
Of Medcine, though my universall Cure:
Is still unsatisfid in some Defects
And Faylings, of our Better Temperd Sex.
And Still, The Expectation of Fruition
Determines in as Vaine, and Idle wishing.
Have I not Freely given thee the Meazles,
With one as Rich and Hopeful a Disease else?
Only to buy thee Pins, and to Defray
The Charg of Trinkets, to be Thrown away?
That b'ing cast-up, have been found-out to cleare
(All Charges Born) Two Thousand Pounds a year.
And is not that Eno[u]gh to beare Expences
Of little Trifles and Impertinences?
At this Rate Nothing's Able to hold out
Untill, at last, thou Hast my Pox, and Gout.

I thought (Quoth She) you had not been so Nice
Of Little Beggerly Infirmities.
At least if you consider who it was
That made your Credit first and medcine Pass,
When all the Dose of Ginger bread and Manna
And Isinglas, were but a Pen'north ana,
Or who it was, First supplyd your Tub
With Jorny-work, and brought in many a Job,
Helped you to Patient-makers, of the Trade
That trusted you to take off all they made,
Who payd your Rent? the Apothecary's Bribe?
H' allows of Course to all that but Prescribe?
That did not only Furnish the Disease,
But had you Freely Payd your Bills, and Fees:
When all your Busness was to talke of Symptomes,
Tho but of Th' Itch, and Meazles, or the Grincomes.

'Tis tru Quoth he, this Little Shifting Course,
We have been forcd to take t' avoyd a worse:
And thou hast not been wanting for thy Part
In all a woman's wit can do or Art,
Nor must we wholly give it over, yet
Whatever 'tis our luck to loose, or Get.
It has by others frequently been don
And wilbe so againe, when we are Gone,
Which make's me Confident, The safest Shift
And Easiest way to bee brought about is Thrift.
Thou knowst the Charges of my House and Table
Must needs grow more, and more, considerable,
And much must be, in Projects that begin,
Layd out at first for Drawing vouchers in.
For when 'tis Nothing, but Discourse and Talke,
Wee ought as much for all things else Defalke:
And much in Reason is to be allowd
For making New Designes (beforehand) good.
Besides the vast Expences for Materialls,
Of Dead Mens Bones embalmd before their Burials:
Proportionable Hogs-heads of May-Dew,
That are not Like to be Supplyd b' a Few.
With Competent Allowance of the mixture,
Of th' universal Spirit, The Elixer.
And Sevrall Inches of the Long-streit-Line,
To which such wonders Natrallists Assigne;
With equal Doses of th' ossacrum-Luz,
Th' Immortall Redeviver of the Jews.
And Central Fire, that Persecutes the Species,
Of Plants, and Minerals to the Superficies:
With Astral Spirits, and Intelligences,
All Probable to multiply Expences.
With other strange Ingredients never known,
And therefore Like to go the better down.