 | Satires and miscellaneous poetry and prose |  |
Physique
There was a Doctor, That with Sturdy Paines,
And many years vexation of his Braines:
Believ'd H' had found-out, (As they call their Guesses,)
An Universall Cure, for all Diseases;
And now Durst challenge Death to do it's worst,
And Meet him at more woepons, if it durst,
Then ever Charletan, upon a wall,
Did Post him up, to Play a Prize with all.
And Rout him Easily, at all the Ills,
With which the Coward clogs the weekly Bills:
This b'ing Resolvd, He now began to count
To what his Fees, would in a yeare Amount:
And found 'em Rise (each Malady b'ing ceast
One with another) rather with the Least
Then Over-Rated, To a Sum more vast,
Then all the Publique Thieverys could wast.
Some times He thought of Building Hospitalls
And setting-up his Name, upon the wals,
Where those of all Professions, that had livd
By Physique formerly, might be, Relievd.
But then he Guest; That would but make them worse,
And hinder some to take a Better Course.
For those Endowments allways are Possest,
By none but those, that have deservd the[m] Least;
And therefore Rather Pitcht on Colledges
Where Lazy Drones might Study Sleep and Ease
And Dunces, that are Fit for nothing else
Might loose their time, Industriously in Cels;
But then He cald to minde, there are such Store
Of those Already, that to Set up more,
Where Greater Numbers Freely might Retreat,
And take Degrees, to Loyter, sleep, and Eate;
The Church, and State, in Time, might want Supplys
Of Able Men to be Imployd, and Rise,
And forcd to take in, tho against their Hearts,
Men of Indiffrent Honesty and Parts.
And many years vexation of his Braines:
Believ'd H' had found-out, (As they call their Guesses,)
An Universall Cure, for all Diseases;
And now Durst challenge Death to do it's worst,
And Meet him at more woepons, if it durst,
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Did Post him up, to Play a Prize with all.
And Rout him Easily, at all the Ills,
With which the Coward clogs the weekly Bills:
This b'ing Resolvd, He now began to count
To what his Fees, would in a yeare Amount:
And found 'em Rise (each Malady b'ing ceast
One with another) rather with the Least
Then Over-Rated, To a Sum more vast,
Then all the Publique Thieverys could wast.
Some times He thought of Building Hospitalls
And setting-up his Name, upon the wals,
Where those of all Professions, that had livd
By Physique formerly, might be, Relievd.
But then he Guest; That would but make them worse,
And hinder some to take a Better Course.
For those Endowments allways are Possest,
By none but those, that have deservd the[m] Least;
And therefore Rather Pitcht on Colledges
Where Lazy Drones might Study Sleep and Ease
And Dunces, that are Fit for nothing else
Might loose their time, Industriously in Cels;
But then He cald to minde, there are such Store
Of those Already, that to Set up more,
Where Greater Numbers Freely might Retreat,
And take Degrees, to Loyter, sleep, and Eate;
The Church, and State, in Time, might want Supplys
Of Able Men to be Imployd, and Rise,
And forcd to take in, tho against their Hearts,
Men of Indiffrent Honesty and Parts.
One Afternoone, His wife unsatisfyd
With what her Share amounted, to Divide;
Who had endowd her, with some slight Disease,
To buy her Pins, and Trinquets, with her Fees:
After a Feind and Counterfet Caress
Of False, and Artificial Tendernes,
She thought, at last to whedle, and Trepan
Of some Maladies the Good old Man,
And told him in a Childs Affected Tone,
She must have more Diseases of her own;
For those she had already would not bring
The Money in; as tru as any thing.
And therefore some small Gruntling must to adjust
The Sum, b' allowd, Indeed, my Deare, it must,
Altho my only Naming of a Sum
Has made thee look a little Tiny-Grum;
For when but two are Buryd in a week,
It is not like that many should be sick.
And when Diseases happen to fall short
I am not like to fare the Better for't.
What Times were Those! Had wee but had it then
When evry week eight Thou[sa]nd Dyd, or Ten!
And when we shal againe have such a Season,
I see but little Hopes, we have, in Reason:
And therefor, as I sayd, some Paultry Aile
Must be Allowd for what is like to Fail.
With what her Share amounted, to Divide;
Who had endowd her, with some slight Disease,
To buy her Pins, and Trinquets, with her Fees:
After a Feind and Counterfet Caress
Of False, and Artificial Tendernes,
She thought, at last to whedle, and Trepan
Of some Maladies the Good old Man,
And told him in a Childs Affected Tone,
She must have more Diseases of her own;
For those she had already would not bring
The Money in; as tru as any thing.
And therefore some small Gruntling must to adjust
The Sum, b' allowd, Indeed, my Deare, it must,
Altho my only Naming of a Sum
Has made thee look a little Tiny-Grum;
For when but two are Buryd in a week,
It is not like that many should be sick.
And when Diseases happen to fall short
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What Times were Those! Had wee but had it then
When evry week eight Thou[sa]nd Dyd, or Ten!
And when we shal againe have such a Season,
I see but little Hopes, we have, in Reason:
And therefor, as I sayd, some Paultry Aile
Must be Allowd for what is like to Fail.
Quoth he! That Mad Extravagance, The Pique
Of which your Sex Perpetuall is Sick,
That Longs for what, was never meant, for Food:
And Loath's as much the wholsom, and the Good:
I finde is Proof against the Greatest Pow'r
Of Medcine, though my universall Cure:
Is still unsatisfid in some Defects
And Faylings, of our Better Temperd Sex.
And Still, The Expectation of Fruition
Determines in as Vaine, and Idle wishing.
Have I not Freely given thee the Meazles,
With one as Rich and Hopeful a Disease else?
Only to buy thee Pins, and to Defray
The Charg of Trinkets, to be Thrown away?
That b'ing cast-up, have been found-out to cleare
(All Charges Born) Two Thousand Pounds a year.
And is not that Eno[u]gh to beare Expences
Of little Trifles and Impertinences?
At this Rate Nothing's Able to hold out
Untill, at last, thou Hast my Pox, and Gout.
Of which your Sex Perpetuall is Sick,
That Longs for what, was never meant, for Food:
And Loath's as much the wholsom, and the Good:
I finde is Proof against the Greatest Pow'r
Of Medcine, though my universall Cure:
Is still unsatisfid in some Defects
And Faylings, of our Better Temperd Sex.
And Still, The Expectation of Fruition
Determines in as Vaine, and Idle wishing.
Have I not Freely given thee the Meazles,
With one as Rich and Hopeful a Disease else?
Only to buy thee Pins, and to Defray
The Charg of Trinkets, to be Thrown away?
That b'ing cast-up, have been found-out to cleare
(All Charges Born) Two Thousand Pounds a year.
And is not that Eno[u]gh to beare Expences
Of little Trifles and Impertinences?
At this Rate Nothing's Able to hold out
Untill, at last, thou Hast my Pox, and Gout.
I thought (Quoth She) you had not been so Nice
Of Little Beggerly Infirmities.
At least if you consider who it was
That made your Credit first and medcine Pass,
When all the Dose of Ginger bread and Manna
And Isinglas, were but a Pen'north ana,
Or who it was, First supplyd your Tub
With Jorny-work, and brought in many a Job,
Helped you to Patient-makers, of the Trade
That trusted you to take off all they made,
Who payd your Rent? the Apothecary's Bribe?
H' allows of Course to all that but Prescribe?
That did not only Furnish the Disease,
But had you Freely Payd your Bills, and Fees:
When all your Busness was to talke of Symptomes,
Tho but of Th' Itch, and Meazles, or the Grincomes.
Of Little Beggerly Infirmities.
At least if you consider who it was
That made your Credit first and medcine Pass,
When all the Dose of Ginger bread and Manna
And Isinglas, were but a Pen'north ana,
Or who it was, First supplyd your Tub
With Jorny-work, and brought in many a Job,
Helped you to Patient-makers, of the Trade
That trusted you to take off all they made,
Who payd your Rent? the Apothecary's Bribe?
H' allows of Course to all that but Prescribe?
That did not only Furnish the Disease,
But had you Freely Payd your Bills, and Fees:
When all your Busness was to talke of Symptomes,
Tho but of Th' Itch, and Meazles, or the Grincomes.
'Tis tru Quoth he, this Little Shifting Course,
We have been forcd to take t' avoyd a worse:
And thou hast not been wanting for thy Part
In all a woman's wit can do or Art,
Nor must we wholly give it over, yet
Whatever 'tis our luck to loose, or Get.
It has by others frequently been don
And wilbe so againe, when we are Gone,
Which make's me Confident, The safest Shift
And Easiest way to bee brought about is Thrift.
Thou knowst the Charges of my House and Table
Must needs grow more, and more, considerable,
And much must be, in Projects that begin,
Layd out at first for Drawing vouchers in.
For when 'tis Nothing, but Discourse and Talke,
Wee ought as much for all things else Defalke:
And much in Reason is to be allowd
For making New Designes (beforehand) good.
Besides the vast Expences for Materialls,
Of Dead Mens Bones embalmd before their Burials:
Proportionable Hogs-heads of May-Dew,
That are not Like to be Supplyd b' a Few.
With Competent Allowance of the mixture,
Of th' universal Spirit, The Elixer.
And Sevrall Inches of the Long-streit-Line,
To which such wonders Natrallists Assigne;
With equal Doses of th' ossacrum-Luz,
Th' Immortall Redeviver of the Jews.
And Central Fire, that Persecutes the Species,
Of Plants, and Minerals to the Superficies:
With Astral Spirits, and Intelligences,
All Probable to multiply Expences.
With other strange Ingredients never known,
And therefore Like to go the better down.
But if our Medcine do but finde Success
We have been forcd to take t' avoyd a worse:
And thou hast not been wanting for thy Part
In all a woman's wit can do or Art,
Nor must we wholly give it over, yet
Whatever 'tis our luck to loose, or Get.
418
And wilbe so againe, when we are Gone,
Which make's me Confident, The safest Shift
And Easiest way to bee brought about is Thrift.
Thou knowst the Charges of my House and Table
Must needs grow more, and more, considerable,
And much must be, in Projects that begin,
Layd out at first for Drawing vouchers in.
For when 'tis Nothing, but Discourse and Talke,
Wee ought as much for all things else Defalke:
And much in Reason is to be allowd
For making New Designes (beforehand) good.
Besides the vast Expences for Materialls,
Of Dead Mens Bones embalmd before their Burials:
Proportionable Hogs-heads of May-Dew,
That are not Like to be Supplyd b' a Few.
With Competent Allowance of the mixture,
Of th' universal Spirit, The Elixer.
And Sevrall Inches of the Long-streit-Line,
To which such wonders Natrallists Assigne;
With equal Doses of th' ossacrum-Luz,
Th' Immortall Redeviver of the Jews.
And Central Fire, that Persecutes the Species,
Of Plants, and Minerals to the Superficies:
With Astral Spirits, and Intelligences,
All Probable to multiply Expences.
With other strange Ingredients never known,
And therefore Like to go the better down.
We shal not want for what supplys wee Please,
For all Inventions Difficult and Hard
Do seldom Miss a competent Reward.
But if it should unluckyly miscary,
Wee shal not want at least things Necessary.
For tho we commonly set-up so soon,
T'is Hard to Get in Practice, or be known:
Until w' have long applyd t' Apothecarys,
Nurse-keepers, Coffy-houses, Ordinarys,
All Sorts of Greatmens Laquais, and valets,
Only to Bayt our Hooks, and Spread our Nets;
Are sometimes forcd to Practice in Compliance
To others Humors, Things below the Science;
Have Tricks to set Diseases Back, and Aches
To Nicks of Idler times, Like Finger-watches,
And Prorogations to give Present Ease,
T' Adjorn, But not Recover a Disease,
With other curious Arts enough to live
In such Deare times, but not Grow Rich and thrive,
419
Kept Store of Cats, to furnish him with Fleas;
That, when they bit the Ladys, Did him service,
To Pass for Sharpnes of the Bloud, and Scurvies:
Or He that held mens inward Fabrique lay
To Justify Anatomy, one way,
And that Mankind was made to none effect
But only for a Surgeon to Dissect.
As He that came up then, to fetch down whores
To fill the Cuntry's Magazins with Stores
And fill his empty, and exhausted stocks
With fresh Recruits for Botches, and the Pox.
And, when th' Infected Chare-women had don't,
He curd their Manges on his own account
And sent them up to follow their occasions
And bring down New Recruits the next vacations.
For when Physitians were from Rome expeld
All sickly People, their Diseases heald
With eating Cole-worts only, simply taken,
Without the least Ingredient of Bacon.
When Health is at it's Height, 'Tis Naturall
It should Decline Immediately, and fall.
So Rings made of the Bones of Hippocamps,
Are Amulets against the Rage of Cramps.
He that would Cure a wound, must have a Care,
To keep it close, from taking of the Aire.
The least and most Innocuous of Diseases,
Is Desprater, the Nobler Part, it ceases.
Has more wounds then the Man, i' th' Almanack
Run through by all the Signs i' th' Zodiack.
When evry Spot, produces but the Name,
And Nothing else, of Plants, that are the same:
And Fruit-trees have as great a Difference,
In their Productions, to the Dullest Sense.
Whence 'tis so hard to meet with an Ingredient
That to our own Præscriptions, wilbe obedient.
For when a Plant Degenerat's t' a weed,
They freely Pass, in one another Stead,
An Antient Composition, and a Fresh,
Have æquall virtue, over a Disease:
That 'tis Impossible, t' administer,
To th' Itch, and Mange, with safety, and not Erre.
Beside the Dangerous Gibberish of Pædants
To learn the Bumbast-Names, of all Ingredients,
420
But must be Cur'd, in Latin, or in Greek,
For No Men love so Naturally to Dabble,
As those that Pass for Learnedish, and Able.
That can put down (in fustian) th' Ablest Brushers
Of hinder Parts, Inculcaters, and ushers.
So he that knew a Tayler, by his Stale,
Because with shreds, H' had stopt the urinalle.
And tho He understands no Medcines Name
He Know's them all by Sight, and Common fame.
And has so great opinion, of their Skill,
That he Dares trust 'em, to Destroy, or kill.
For those that Do no Hurt, at least, secure
Their Patients, from the Desperatst Fit, the Cure.
The Patient give's the Doctor, Half th' A[d]vice
That He Return's, and for his Fee, Apply's.
When he Informe's him, of the first Accesse
And Symptomatique Freakes, of the Disease,
And Lay's out nothing, but as weake Reflexions
Upon the Sickmans Tru, or False Directions,
But oft exchanges for some other Course
When he Perceiv's himself grow worse, and worse.
Who ever was a more frequented Doctor
Then th' Antient Trig? or late Inceptor Lockier?
Created out of nothing, but their own
And all the Rabble's mandate, of the Town.
And did their Exercices, with Chimeras
Not much below the Sorbonists vesperys,
That Post their Theses, on their Colledg-wals
With great mens Pictures, t' own 'em, tru or false.
A very visitant's an Operator,
That strives with Flams to Practice upon Nature,
Tells what a Friend of [his] had strangly sufferd
In that Distemper, but was now Recoverd,
Untill the Leech must be calld in, to Try
Th' experiment, and virtu, of a Ly,
Mean while the wretched Patient is set back
And Desperater Infirmity o' th' Quack.
For most Liefhebbers usuall Relapse
Upon the News of other Men's Escapes.
Especially, if the Medcines operation
Have but a Hint, of Supererrogation
Which, when it is cunningly Designd, and layd
Bring's in a great Advantage, to the Trade.
And those, that Practice it, Have found it yeilds
More Patients, then Padua, or More-fields.
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Givn Caution, not to Practice on the Place.
As wounds in the left Leg, tho ere so slight,
Are Harder Cur'd, then Greater in the Right.
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