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The collected works of Ambrose Bierce

Bierce, Ambrose (1842-1914?)

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VOLUME I ASHES OF THE BEACON THE LAND BEYOND THE BLOW FOR THE AHKOOND JOHN SMITH, LIBERATOR BITS OF AUTOBIOGRAPHY
  
THE SONG
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VOLUME IV SHAPES OF CLAY
  
THE PASSING SHOW
  
ELIXIR VITÆ
  
CONVALESCENT
  
AT THE CLOSE OF THE CANVASS
  
GEOTHEOS
  
POLITICS
  
THE VALLEY OF DRY BONES
  
POLYPHEMUS
  
IN DEFENSE
  
INVOCATION
  
RELIGION
  
TWO SOCIALISTS
  
A MORNING FANCY
  
VISIONS OF SIN
  
GENIUS
  
THE TOWN OF DÆ
  
AN ANARCHIST
  
AN OFFER OF MARRIAGE
  
ARMA VIRUMQUE
  
ON A PROPOSED CREMATORY
  
A DEMAND
  
THE WEATHER-WIGHT
  
T. A. H.
  
MY MONUMENT
  
MAD
  
FOR COERCION OF COLOMBIA
  
A TEAGOING ADMIRAL
  
THE WOOER
  
SILHOUETTES OF ORIENTALS
  
LAND OF THE PILGRIMS' PRIDE
  
A SINGLE TERMER
  
A PLAGUE OF ASSES
  
IN CUBA
  
FOR A CERTAIN CRITIC
  
ARTHUR McEWEN
  
CHARLES AND PETER
  
CONTEMPLATION
  
THE GOLDEN AGE
  
A PROPHET OF PEACE
  
AN UNREFORMABLE REFORMER
  
THE WORD-WAY IN PANAMA
  
THE JACK OF CLUBS
  
A NAVAL METHOD
  
ANOTHER ASPIRANT
  
A LEARNER
  
TO BRIDGET
  
AFTER TENNYSON
  
TO MY BIRD
  
BUSINESS
  
A POSSIBILITY
  
TO A CENSOR
  
“THE WHOLE WORLD KIN”
  
A FUTURE CONVERSATION
  
THE HESITATING VETERAN
  
A YEAR'S “CASUALTIES”
  
TO-DAY
  
AN ALIBI
  
A MEETING
  
J. F. B.
  
THE DYING STATESMAN
  
THE DEATH OF GRANT
  
THE FOUNTAIN REFILLED
  
LAUS LUCIS
  
NANINE
  
TECHNOLOGY
  
A REPLY TO A LETTER
  
TO OSCAR WILDE
  
BORN LEADERS OF MEN
  
THE CRIME OF 1903
  
FOR EXPULSION
  
JUDEX JOCOSUS
  
“GRAFT”
  
THE TALE OF A CRIME
  
TO THE BARTHOLDI STATUE
  
AN UNMERRY CHRISTMAS
  
FROM VIRGINIA TO PARIS
  
A “MUTE INGLORIOUS MILTON”
  
THE FREE TRADER'S LAMENT
  
SUBTERRANEAN PHANTASIES
  
IN MEMORIAM
  
THE STATESMEN
  
BROTHERS
  
THE CYNIC'S BEQUEST
  
CORRECTED NEWS
  
MR. FINK'S DEBATING DONKEY
  
TO MY LAUNDRESS
  
FAME
  
OMNES VANITAS
  
CONSOLATION
  
FATE
  
PHILOSOPHER BIMM
  
REMINDED
  
SALVINI IN AMERICA
  
ANOTHER WAY
  
ART
  
TO ONE ACROSS THE WAY
  
TO A DEBTOR ABROAD
  
GENESIS
  
LIBERTY
  
THE PASSING OF SHEPHERD
  
TO MAUDE
  
THE BIRTH OF VIRTUE
  
THE SCURRIL PRESS
  
STANLEY
  
ONE OF THE UNFAIR SEX
  
THE LORD'S PRAYER ON A COIN
  
AD ABSURDUM
  
SAITH THE CZAR
  
THE ROYAL JESTER
  
A CAREER IN LETTERS
  
THE FOLLOWING PAIR
  
POLITICAL ECONOMY
  
THE UNPARDONABLE SIN
  
INDUSTRIAL DISCONTENT
  
TEMPORA MUTANTUR
  
A FALSE ALARM
  
CONTENTMENT
  
CONSTANCY
  
THE NEW ENOCH ARDEN
  
DISAVOWAL
  
AN AVERAGE
  
INCURABLE
  
THE PUN
  
TO NANINE
  
VICE VERSA
  
A BLACKLIST
  
AUTHORITY
  
THE PSORIAD
  
PEACE
  
THANKSGIVING
  
L'AUDACE
  
THE GOD'S VIEW-POINT
  
THE ÆSTHETES
  
WITH MINE OWN PETARD
  
RESTORED
  
SIRES AND SONS
  
A CHALLENGE
  
TWO SHOWS
  
A POET'S HOPE
  
THE WOMAN AND THE DEVIL
  
TWO ROGUES
  
THE PIED PIPER OF BROOKLYN
  
NOT GUILTY
  
PRESENTIMENT
  
A STUDY IN GRAY
  
FOR MERIT
  
A BIT OF SCIENCE
  
THE TABLES TURNED
  
TO A DEJECTED POET
  
THE HUMORIST
  
MONTEFIORE
  
DISCRETION
  
AN EXILE
  
THE DIVISION SUPERINTENDENT
  
TO A PROFESSIONAL EULOGIST
  
ELECTION DAY
  
THE MILITIAMAN
  
A WELCOME
  
A SERENADE
  
THE WISE AND GOOD
  
THE LOST COLONEL
  
FOR TAT
  
A DILEMMA
  
METEMPSYCHOSIS
  
THE SAINT AND THE MONK
  
IN HIGH LIFE
  
A WHIPPER-IN
  
JUDGMENT
  
A BUBBLE
  
FRANCINE
  
AN EXAMPLE
  
REVENGE
  
THE GENESIS OF EMBARRASSMENT
  
IN CONTUMACIAM
  
FROM THE MINUTES
  
A WOMAN IN POLITICS
  
A BALLAD OF PIKEVILLE
  
AN AUGURY
  
LUSUS POLITICUS
  
BEREAVEMENT
  
A PICKBRAIN
  
THE NAVAL CONSTRUCTOR
  
DETECTED
  
BIMETALISM
  
TWO METHODS
  
FOUNDATIONS OF THE STATE
  
AN IMPOSTOR
  
FRANCE
  
A GUEST
  
A FALSE PROPHECY
  
A SONG OF THE MANY
  
ONE MORNING
  
THE KING OF BORES
  
HISTORY
  
THE HERMIT
  
THE YEARLY LIE
  
AN APOLOGUE
  
DIAGNOSIS
  
FALLEN
  
The Day of Wrath
  
ONE MOOD'S EXPRESSION
  
SOMETHING IN THE PAPERS
  
THE BINNACLE
  
ONE PRESIDENT
  
THE BRIDE
  
THE MAN BORN BLIND
  
A NIGHTMARE
  
A WET SEASON
  
THE CONFEDERATE FLAGS
  
HÆC FABULA DOCET
  
AGAIN
  
HOMO PODUNKENSIS
  
A SOCIAL CALL
  
MY DAY OF LIFE
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SOME ANTE-MORTEM EPITAPHS
  
A KING OF CRAFT
  
STEPHEN DORSEY
  
MR. JUSTICE FIELD
  
GENERAL B. F. BUTLER
  
REPARATION
  
DISINCORPORATED
  
A KIT
  
DISJUNCTUS
  
A TRENCHER-KNIGHT
  
A VICE-PRESIDENT
  
A WASTED LIFE
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THE SCRAP HEAP
  
POESY
  
HOSPITALITY
  
MAGNANIMITY
  
UNDERSTATED
  
AN ATTORNEY-GENERAL
  
FINANCIAL NEWS
  
ASPIRATION
  
DEMOCRACY
  
AN ENEMY TO LAW AND ORDER
  
FORESIGHT
  
A FAIR DIVISION
  
A LACKING FACTOR
  
THE POLITICIAN
  
ELIHU ROOT
  
AN ERROR
  
VANISHED AT COCK-CROW
  
WOMAN
  
A PARTISAN'S PROTEST
  
A BEQUEST TO MUSIC
  
ONEIROMANCY
  
JULY FOURTH
  
A PARADOX
  
REEDIFIED
  
A BULLETIN
  
AN INSCRIPTION
  
AN ERRONEOUS ASSUMPTION
  
A CONSTRUCTOR
  
GOD COMPLIES
  
IN ARTICULO MORTIS
  
THE DISCOVERERS
  
UNEXPOUNDED
  
THE EASTERN QUESTION
  
TWO TYPES
  
TO A CRITIC OF TENNYSON
  
COOPERATION
  
HUMILITY
  
STRAINED RELATIONS
  
EXONERATION
  
AFTER PORTSMOUTH
  
A VOICE FROM PEKIN
  
A PIOUS RITE
  
JUSTICE
  
AT THE BEACH
  
AN INFRACTION OF THE RULES
  
CONVERSELY
  
A WARNING
  
PSYCHOGRAPHS
  
FOR WOUNDS
  
A LITERARY METHOD
  
BACK TO NATURE
  
RUDOLPH BLOCK
  
BOYCOTT
  
TO HER
  
CREATION
  
REBUKE
  
PRAYER
  
THE LONG FEAR
  
AN INSPIRED PERFORMANCE
  
SEPULTURE
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VOLUME V BLACK BEETLES IN AMBER
  
AVALON
  
CAIN
  
ONE JUDGE
  
AN OBITUARIAN
  
A COMMUTED SENTENCE
  
A LIFTED FINGER
  
TWO DELEGATES
  
MATTER FOR GRATITUDE
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THREE KINDS OF A ROGUE
 1. 
I
 2. 
II
 3. 
III
  
A MAN
  
YE FOE TO CATHAYE
  
SAMUEL SHORTRIDGE
  
AT A “NATIONAL ENCAMPMENT”
  
THEOSOPHISTRY
  
AZRAEL
  
COMPETITION
  
A VISION OF DOOM
  
GENESIS
  
RELIGIOUS PROGRESS
  
THE FALL OF MISS LARKIN
  
A RENDEZVOUS
  
YORICK
  
STANFORD'S WELCOME
  
POSTERITY'S AWARD
  
AN ART CRITIC
  
THE SPIRIT OF A SPONGE
  
ORNITHANTHROPOS
  
TO E. S. SALOMON,
  
DENNIS KEARNEY
  
FINIS ÆTERNITATIS
  
THE VETERAN
  
AN “EXHIBIT”
  
THE TRANSMIGRATIONS OF A SOUL
  
INDICTMENT ON EVIDENCE
  
TO AN ASPIRANT
  
AT THE WHITE HOUSE
  
TIDINGS OF GOOD
  
AN ACTOR
  
FAMINE'S REALM
  
THE MACKAIAD
  
A SONG IN PRAISE
  
A POET'S FATHER
  
A COWARD
  
TO MY LIARS
  
“PHIL” CRIMMINS
  
ON THE SCALES
  
CODEX HONORIS
  
TO W. H. L. B.
  
EMANCIPATION
  
JOHNDONKEY
  
HELL
  
BY FALSE PRETENSES
  
LUCIFER OF THE TORCH
  
“THE WHIRLIGIG OF TIME”
  
A RAILROAD LACKEY
  
THE LEGATEEE
  
“DIED OF A ROSE”
  
A LITERARY HANGMAN
  
AT THE ELEVENTH HOUR
  
A CONTROVERSIALIST
  
MENDAX
  
THE RETROSPECTIVE BIRD
  
THE OAKLAND DOG
  
THE UNFALLEN BRAVE
  
A CELEBRATED CASE
  
COUPLETS
  
A RETORT
  
A VISION OF RESURRECTION
  
MASTER OF THREE ARTS
  
THERSITES
  
A SOCIETY LEADER
  
EXPOSITOR VERITATIS
  
THE TROUBADOUR
  
A FINGER ON THE LIPS
  
THREE HIGHWAYMEN
  
TO “COLONEL” DAN BURNS
  
GEORGE A. KNIGHT
  
UNARMED
  
A POLITICAL VIOLET
  
THE SUBDUED EDITOR
  
“BLACK BART, Po8”
  
A “SCION OF NOBILITY”
  
THE NIGHT OF THE ELECTION
  
THE CONVICTS' BALL
  
TO ONE DETESTED
  
THE BOSS'S CHOICE
  
A MERCIFUL GOVERNOR
  
AN INTERPRETATION
  
A SOARING TOAD
  
AN UNDRESS UNIFORM
  
THE PERVERTED VILLAGE
  
MR. SHEETS
  
A JACK-AT-ALL-VIEWS
  
MY LORD POET
  
TO THE FOOL-KILLER
  
ONE AND ONE ARE TWO
  
MONTAGUE LEVERSON
  
THE WOFUL TALE OF MR. PETERS
  
TWIN UNWORTHIES
  
ART
  
A WAR CRY
  
IN DISSUASION
  
A PREDICTION
  
ANOTHER PLAN
  
A POLITICAL APOSTATE
  
TINKER DICK
  
A PEACEFUL COMMUNITY
  
WITH A BOOK
  
A COMPETITOR
  
GENEROSITY
  
BATS IN SUNSHINE
  
A WORD TO THE UNWISE
  
ON THE PLATFORM
  
JUDGE NOT
  
DESPERATION
  
TO DOG
  
TO A GRABBER
  
MEMORIAL DAY
  
A DAMPENED ARDOR
  
ADAIR WELCKER, POET
  
TO A WORD-WARRIOR
  
A CULINARY CANDIDATE
  
TO ONE ACQUITTED
  
CONTENT
  
AT THE OBSERVATORY
  
THE OLEOMARGARINE MAN
  
THE GENESIS OF CRIME
  
LLEWELLYN POWELL
  
THE SUNSET GUN
  
THE “VIDUATE DAME”
  
FOUR OF A KIND
  
RECONCILIATION
  
A VISION OF CLIMATE
  
A “MASS” MEETING
  
THE NEW DENNIS
  
A RATIONAL ANTHEM
  
INCIVISM
  
FAMINE IN PROSPERITY
  
AN EPIGRAMMATIST
  
FIG LEAF
  
FOR PRESIDENT, LELAND STANFORD
  
FOR MAYOR
  
A MINE FOR REFORMERS
  
IN PICKLE
  
JAMES MONTAGUE, POET
  
A CHEATING PREACHER
  
A CROCODILE
  
THE AMERICAN PARTY
  
UNCOLONELED
  
THE GATES AJAR
  
TO A BULLY
  
A LAND FIGHT
  
COMPLIANCE
  
ARBORICULTURE
  
A HOLIDAY
  
REJECTED
  
JUDEX JUDICATUS
  
ON THE WEDDING OF AN AERONAUT
  
A HASTY INFERENCE
  
A VOLUPTUARY
  
AD CATTONUM
  
THE NATIONAL GUARDSMAN
  
A REAR ELEVATION
  
IN UPPER SAN FRANCISCO
  
NIMROD
  
THE NEW DECALOGUE
  
ULTRA CREPIDAM
  
CENSOR LITERARUM
  
BORROWED BRAINS
  
YE FYGHTYNGE SEVENTH
  
INDICTED
  
OVER THE BORDER
  
TO AN INSOLENT ATTORNEY
  
ACCEPTED
  
A PROMISED FAST TRAIN
  
FROM THE DEATH-COLUMN
  
THE FARMERS' PRAYER
  
ONE OF THE SAINTS
  
A MILITARY INCIDENT
  
SUBSTANCE OR SHADOW
  
THE COMMITTEE ON PUBLIC MORALS
  
A PLAYWRIGHT
  
THE LEADER OF THE MINORITY
  
CALIFORNIA
  
GEORGE C. PERKINS
  
TO EITHER
  
DISAPPOINTMENT
  
THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF THEFT
  
DOWN AMONG THE DEAD MEN
  
THE LAST MAN
  
ARBOR DAY
  
THE PIUTE
  
FAME
  
ONE OF THE REDEEMED
  
A CRITIC
  
A QUESTION OF ELIGIBILITY
  
FLEET STROTHER
  
RECIPROCITY
  
CALIFORNIAN SUMMER PICTURES
  
SLANDER
  
JAMES L. FLOOD
  
THREE CANDIDATES FOR SENATOR
  
A GROWLER
  
AD MOODIUM
  
A SPADE
  
THE VAN NESSIAD
  
VALEDICTORY
  
A FISH COMMISSIONER
  
TO A STRAY DOG
  
IN HIS HAND
  
A DEMAGOGUE
  
IGNIS FATUUS
  
FROM TOP TO BOTTOM
  
AN IDLER
  
THE DEAD KING
  
A PATTER SONG
  
A CALLER
  
THE SHAFTER SHAFTED
  
TO ONE OUT OF FAVOR
  
PRIVATION
  
TO ONE IN CUSTODY
  
FOR A REVISED VERSION
  
THE MORMON QUESTION
  
AN ELECTION EXPENSE
  
WILLIAM F. SMITH
  
JUVENTUS MUNDI
  
TWO GUIDES
  
IN WARNING
  
APPARITION
  
A CREDITABLE COLLISION
  
AN EMIGRANT
  
CONTEMPT OF COURT
  
A PARTIAL ECLIPSE
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THE MUMMERY
  
THE TWO CAVEES
  
METEMPSYCHOSIS
  
SLICKENS
  
“PEACEFUL EXPULSION”
  
ASPIRANTS THREE
  
THE BIRTH OF THE RAIL
  
A BAD NIGHT
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ON STONE
  
ON STONE
  
LORING PICKERING
  
A WATER-PIRATE
  
THE REV. JOSEPH HEMPHILL
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OTHERS
  
[Cynic perforce from studying mankind]
  
[McAllister, of talents rich are rare]
  
[Here lies Joseph Redding, who gave us the catfish]
  
[Judge Sawyer, whom in vain the people tried]
  
[Dennis Spencer's mortal coil]
  
[For those this mausoleum is erected]
  
[Beneath this stone sleeps Reuben Lloyd]
  
[Here lies Greer Harrison, a well cracked louse]
  
[This grave holds Barnes in all his glory]
  
[Rash mortal! stay thy feet and look around]
  
[Here Salomon's body reposes]
  
[When Waterman ended his bright career]
  
[Here lies the remains of Fred Emerson Brooks]
  
[George Perry here is stiff and stark]
  
[Here lies the last of Deacon Fitch]
  
[Beneath this stone O'Donnell's tongue's at rest]
  
[Hangman's hands laid in this tomb an]
  
[When Gabriel blows a dreadful blast]
  
[Here Porter Ashe is in the ground]
  
[Here Stanford lies, who thought it odd]
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VOLUME VII THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
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A
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Abdication, n.
  
[Poor Isabella's dead, whose abdication]
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Abracadabra.
  
[By Abracadabra we signify]
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Abscond, v. i.
  
[Spring beckons! All things to the call respond]
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Absent, adj.
  
[To men a man is but a mind. Who cares]
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Abstainer, n.
  
[Said a man to a crapulent youth: “I thought]
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Accountability, n.
  
[“My accountability, bear in mind,”]
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Admonition, n.
  
[Consigned, by way of admonition]
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Advice, n.
  
[“The man was in such deep distress,”]
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Aim, n.
  
[“Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?”]
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Allah, n.
  
[Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept]
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Allegiance, n.
  
[This thing Allegiance, as I suppose]
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Alone, adj.
  
[In contact, lo! the flint and steel]
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Altar, n.
  
[They stood before the altar and supplied]
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Anoint, v. t.
  
[As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood]
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Aphorism, n.
  
[The flabby wine-skin of his brain]
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Apothecary, n.
  
[When Jove sent blessings to all men that are]
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Archbishop, n.
  
[If I were a jolly archbishop]
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Arsenic, n.
  
[“Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,”]
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Art, n.
  
[One day a wag—what would the wretch be at?—]
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Ass, n.
  
[“Hail, holy Ass!” the quiring angels sing]
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Avernus, n.
  
[Facilis descensus Averni]
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B
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Babe or Baby, n.
  
[Ere babes were invented]
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Bacchus, n.
  
[Is public worship, then, a sin]
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Baptism, n.
  
[But whether the plan of immersion]
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Bath, n.
  
[The man who taketh a steam bath]
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Beg, v.
  
[Who is that, father?]
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Behavior, n.
  
[Recordare, Jesu pie]
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Benedictines, n.
  
[She thought it a crow, but it turned out to be]
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Berenice's Hair, n.
  
[Her locks an ancient lady gave]
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Body-snatcher, n.
  
[“One night,” a doctor said, “last fall]
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Brahma, n.
  
[O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity]
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C
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Carmelite, n.
  
[As Death was a-riding out one day]
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Cat, n.
  
[This is a dog]
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Cemetery, n.
  
[In the earth we here prepare a]
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Christian, n.
  
[I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!]
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Clock, n.
  
[A busy man complained one day]
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Close-fisted, adj.
  
[“Close-fisted Scotchman!” Johnson cried]
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Cœnobite, n.
  
[O Cœnobite, O cœnobite]
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Commonwealth, n.
  
[This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view]
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Controversy, n.
  
[In controversy with the facile tongue]
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Corporal, n.
  
[Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell]
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Critic, n.
  
[There is a land of pure delight]
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Cross, n.
  
[“Be good, be good!” the sisterhood]
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D
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Danger, n.
  
[A savage beast which, when it sleeps]
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Dead, adj.
  
[Done with the work of breathing; done]
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Debt, n.
  
[As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet]
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Decalogue, n.
  
[Thou shalt no God but me adore]
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Decide, v. i.
  
[A leaf was riven from a tree]
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Delusion, n.
  
[All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee]
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Deputy, n.
  
[“Chief Deputy,” the Master cried]
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Diary, n.
  
[Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ]
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Die, n.
  
[A cube of cheese no larger than a die]
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Disobey, v. t.
  
[His right to govern me is clear as day]
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Duel, n.
  
[That dueling's a gentlemanly vice]
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Duty, n.
  
[Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court]
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E
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Eavesdrop, v. i.
  
[A lady with one of her ears applied]
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Editor, n.
  
[O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought]
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Egotist, n.
  
[Megaceph, chosen to serve the State]
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Elegy, n.
  
[The cur foretells the knell of parting day]
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Emancipation, n.
  
[He was a slave: at word he went and came]
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End, n.
  
[The man was perishing apace]
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Enough, pro.
  
[Enough is as good as a feast—for that matter]
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Epitaph, n.
  
[Here lie the bones of Parson Platt]
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Erudition, n.
  
[So wide his erudition's mighty span]
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Excess, n.
  
[Hail, high Excess—especially in wine]
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Excommunication, n.
  
[This “excommunication” is a word]
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Existence, n.
  
[A transient, horrible, fantastic dream]
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Experience, n.
  
[To one who, journeying through night and fog]
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F
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Famous, adj.
  
[Done to a turn on the iron, behold]
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Fashion, n.
  
[A king there was who lost an eye]
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Female, n.
  
[The Maker, at Creation's birth]
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Fib, n.
  
[When David said: “All men are liars,” Dave]
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Fiddle, n.
  
[To Rome said Nero: “If to smoke you turn]
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Folly, n.
  
[Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once]
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Force, n.
  
[“Force is but might,” the teacher said]
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Forma Pauperis (Latin).
  
[When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court]
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Freedom, n.
  
[Freedom, as every schoolboy knows]
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Friendship, n.
  
[The sea was calm and the sky was blue]
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Frying-Pan, n.
  
[Old Nick was summoned to the skies]
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Funeral, n.
  
[The savage dies—they sacrifice a horse]
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G
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Gallows, n.
  
[Whether on the gallows high]
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Genteel, adj.
  
[Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal]
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Geographer, n.
  
[Habeam, geographer of wide renown]
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Ghost, n.
  
[He saw a ghost]
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Gnu, n.
  
[A hunter from Kew caught a distant view]
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Gorgon, n.
  
[The Gorgon was a maiden bold]
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Grape, n.
  
[Hail noble fruit!—by Homer sung]
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Grave, n.
  
[Beside a lonely grave I stood]
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Great, adj.
  
[“I'm great,” the Lion said—I reign]
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H
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Hatchet, n.
  
[“O bury the hatchet, irascible Red]
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Head-Money, n.
  
[In ancient times there lived a king]
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Heat, n.
  
[Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode]
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Heathen, n.
  
[“The Hebrews are heathens!” says Howison. He's]
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Helpmate, n.
  
[“Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?”]
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History, n.
  
[Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown]
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Homiletics, n.
  
[So skilled the parson was in homiletics]
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Hope, n.
  
[Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left]
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Hovel, n.
  
[Twaddle had a hovel]
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Humorist, n.
  
[Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind]
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Hypochondriasis, n.
  
[Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot]
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I
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Ichor, n.
  
[Fair Venus, speared by Diomed]
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Ignoramus, n.
  
[Dumble was an ignoramus]
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Immodest, adj.
  
[There was once a man in Ispahan]
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Immortality, n.
  
[A toy which people cry for]
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Imposition, n.
  
[“Lo! by the laying on of hands,”]
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Improbability, n.
  
[His tale he told with a solemn face]
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Inauspiciously, adv.
  
[A Roman slave appeared one day]
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Indifferent, adj.
  
[“You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio's wife]
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Infralapsarian, n.
  
[Two theologues once, as they wended their way]
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Ingrate, n.
  
[“All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic. “Nay,”]
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Inscription, n.
  
[In the sky my soul is found]
  
[Affliction sore long time she boar]
  
[The clay that rests beneath this stone]
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Insectivora, n.
  
[“See,” cries the chorus of admiring preachers]
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Intimacy, n.
  
[Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue]
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J
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Jester, n.
  
[The widow-queen of Portugal]
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K
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Keep, v. t.
  
[He willed away his whole estate]
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King, n.
  
[A king, in times long, long gone by]
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King's Evil, n.
  
[a crowd of wretched souls]
  
['tis spoken]
  
[Ye Kynge his evill in me laye]
  
['strangely visited people]
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Knight, n.
  
[Once a warrior gentle of birth]
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L
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Land, n.
  
[A life on the ocean wave]
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Last, n.
  
[Ah, punster, would my lot were cast]
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Law, n.
  
[Once Law was sitting on the bench]
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Lead, n.
  
[Hail, holy Lead!—of human feuds the great]
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Leonine, adj.
  
[The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades]
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Lexicographer, n.
  
[God said: “Let Spirit perish into Form,”]
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Liberty, n.
  
[The rising People, hot and out of breath]
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Life, n.
  
[“Life's not worth living, and that's the truth,”]
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Limb, n.
  
['Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought]
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Logomachy, n.
  
['Tis said by divers of the scholar-men]
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Lord, n.
  
[Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord]
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Loss, n.
  
[Here Huntington's ashes long have lain]
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Lyre, n.
  
[I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre]
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M
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Machination, n.
  
[So plain the advantages of machination]
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Macrobian, n.
  
[When I was young the world was fair]
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Maiden, n.
  
[A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang]
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Mammon, n.
  
[He swore that all other religions were gammon]
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Man, n.
  
[When the world was young and Man was new]
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Material, adj.
  
[Material things I know, or feel, or see]
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Meekness, n.
  
[M is for Moses]
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Meerschaum, n.
  
[There was a youth you've heard before]
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Misdemeanor, n.
  
[By misdemeanors he essayed to climb]
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Monosyllabic, adj.
  
[The man who writes in Saxon]
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Monument, n.
  
[The bones of Agamemnon are a show]
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Mummy, n.
  
[By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said]
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N
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Nectar, n.
  
[Juno drank a cup of nectar]
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Nose, n.
  
[There's a man with a Nose]
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O
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Old, adj.
  
[“Old books? The devil take them!” Goby said]
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Olympian, adj.
  
[His name the smirking tourist scrawls]
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Opera, n.
  
[The actor apes a man—at least in shape]
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Oppose, v.
  
[How lonely he who thinks to vex]
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Orthography, n.
  
[A spelling reformer indicted]
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Out-of-Doors, n.
  
[I climbed to the top of a mountain one day]
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Ovation, n.
  
[“I had an ovation!” the actor man said]
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Overeat, v.
  
[Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess]
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P
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Peace, n.
  
[O, what's the loud uproar assailing]
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Perseverance, n.
  
[“Persevere, persevere!” cry the homilists all]
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Physiognomy, n.
  
[“There is no art,” says Shakspeare, foolish man]
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Picture, n.
  
[Behold great Daubert's picture here on view]
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Pie, n.
  
[Cold pie is a detestable]
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Piety, n.
  
[The pig is taught by sermons and epistles]
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Portable, adj.
  
[His light estate, if neither he did make it]
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Precipitate, adj.
  
[Precipitate in all, this sinner]
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Prehistoric, adj.
  
[He lived in a period prehistoric]
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Preside, v.
  
[The Headliner, holding the copy in hand]
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President, n.
  
[If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater]
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Prison, n.
  
[“Stone walls do not a prison make,”]
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Prospect, n.
  
[Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes]
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Q
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Quiver, n.
  
[He extracted from his quiver]
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Quixotic, adj.
  
[When ignorance from out our lives can banish]
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Quotation, n.
  
[Intent on making his quotation truer]
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R
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Rank, n.
  
[He held at court a rank so high]
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Rash, adj.
  
[Now lay your bet with mine, nor let]
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Reach, n.
  
[This is a truth, as old as the hills]
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Reading, n.
  
[We know by one's reading]
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Recruit, n.
  
[Fresh from the farm or factory or street]
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Redemption, n.
  
[We must awake Man's spirit from its sin]
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Redundant, adj.
  
[The Sultan said: “There's evidence abundant]
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Renown, n.
  
[I touched the harp in every key]
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Repentance, n.
  
[Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell]
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Reporter, n.
  
[More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou]
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Resign, v. t.
  
['Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed]
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Respite, n.
  
[Altgeld upon his incandescent bed]
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Responsibility, n.
  
[Alas, things ain't what we should see]
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Retribution, n.
  
[What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go]
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Review, v. t.
  
[To set your wisdom holding not a doubt of it]
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Right, n.
  
[By what right, then, do royal rulers rule?]
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Rimer, n.
  
[The rimer quenches his unheeded fires]
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Road, n.
  
[All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome]
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Rumor, n.
  
[Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield]
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S
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Sabbath, n.
  
[Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able]
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Sacred, adj.
  
[All things are either sacred or profane]
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Safety-Clutch, n.
  
[Once I seen a human ruin]
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Satire, n.
  
[Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung]
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Scarabee, n.
  
[He fell by his own hand]
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Scrap-Book, n.
  
[Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast]
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Seine, n.
  
[The devil casting a seine of lace]
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Severalty, n.
  
[Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind]
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Sheriff, n.
  
[John Elmer Pettibone Cajee]
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Smithareen, n.
  
[The wheels go round without a sound]
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Sophistry, n.
  
[His bad opponent's “facts” he sweeps away]
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Success, n.
  
[The bard who would prosper must carry a book]
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Sycophant, n.
  
[As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased]
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Symbolic, adj.
  
[They say 'tis conscience feels compunction]
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T
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Table d' HÔTE, n.
  
[Old Paunchinello, freshly wed]
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Tariff, n.
  
[The Enemy of Human Souls]
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Tenacity, n.
  
[Of such tenacity his grip]
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Tortoise, n.
  
TO MY PET TORTOISE
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U
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Understanding, n.
  
[His understanding was so keen]
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Urbanity, n.
  
[The owner of a powder mill]
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V
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Vanity, n.
  
[They say that hens do cackle loudest when]
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W
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Wall Street, n.
  
[Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call]
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Washingtonian, n.
  
[They took away his vote and gave instead]
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Weather, n.
  
[Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see]
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Whangdepootenawah, n.
  
[Should you ask me whence this laughter]
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Worms'-meat, n.
  
[Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show!]
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Y
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Yesterday, n.
  
[But yesterday I should have thought me blest]
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Z
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Zeal, n.
  
[When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward]
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Zigzag, v. t.
  
[He zedjagged so uncomen wyde]
collapse section6. 
VOLUME VI
  
THE SLEEPING LION
  
IN DOGLAND
  
A PAIR OF OPPOSITES
  
THE DEGENERATE
  
THE VAIN CAT
  
A SOCIALIST
  
THE CO-DEFENDANTS
  
IN CONSEQUENCE OF APPLAUSE

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GEORGE C. PERKINS

Running for Senator with clumsy pace,
He stooped so low to win the foremost place
That Fortune, tempted by a mark so droll,
Sprang in and kicked him to the winning pole.
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