The collected works of Ambrose Bierce

Bierce, Ambrose (1842-1914?)

VOLUME I ASHES OF THE BEACON THE LAND BEYOND THE BLOW FOR THE AHKOOND JOHN SMITH, LIBERATOR BITS OF AUTOBIOGRAPHY

THE SONG

VOLUME IV SHAPES OF CLAY

THE PASSING SHOW

ELIXIR VITÆ

CONVALESCENT

AT THE CLOSE OF THE CANVASS

GEOTHEOS

POLITICS

THE VALLEY OF DRY BONES

ON A PROPOSED CREMATORY

FOR COERCION OF COLOMBIA

A TEAGOING ADMIRAL

THE WOOER

SILHOUETTES OF ORIENTALS

LAND OF THE PILGRIMS' PRIDE

AN UNREFORMABLE REFORMER

THE WORD-WAY IN PANAMA

“THE WHOLE WORLD KIN”

A FUTURE CONVERSATION

THE HESITATING VETERAN

A YEAR'S “CASUALTIES”

THE FOUNTAIN REFILLED

TO THE BARTHOLDI STATUE

AN UNMERRY CHRISTMAS

FROM VIRGINIA TO PARIS

A “MUTE INGLORIOUS MILTON”

THE FREE TRADER'S LAMENT

SUBTERRANEAN PHANTASIES

MR. FINK'S DEBATING DONKEY

TO ONE ACROSS THE WAY

TO A DEBTOR ABROAD

GENESIS

LIBERTY

THE PASSING OF SHEPHERD

ONE OF THE UNFAIR SEX

THE LORD'S PRAYER ON A COIN

INDUSTRIAL DISCONTENT

THE WOMAN AND THE DEVIL

TWO ROGUES

THE PIED PIPER OF BROOKLYN

THE DIVISION SUPERINTENDENT

TO A PROFESSIONAL EULOGIST

THE SAINT AND THE MONK

THE GENESIS OF EMBARRASSMENT

IN CONTUMACIAM

FROM THE MINUTES

A WOMAN IN POLITICS

A BALLAD OF PIKEVILLE

THE NAVAL CONSTRUCTOR

DETECTED

BIMETALISM

TWO METHODS

FOUNDATIONS OF THE STATE

DIAGNOSIS

ONE MOOD'S EXPRESSION

SOMETHING IN THE PAPERS

THE CONFEDERATE FLAGS

SOME ANTE-MORTEM EPITAPHS

AN ENEMY TO LAW AND ORDER

VANISHED AT COCK-CROW

AN ERRONEOUS ASSUMPTION

TO A CRITIC OF TENNYSON

AN INFRACTION OF THE RULES

AN INSPIRED PERFORMANCE

SEPULTURE

VOLUME V BLACK BEETLES IN AMBER

THREE KINDS OF A ROGUE

AT A “NATIONAL ENCAMPMENT”

THE FALL OF MISS LARKIN

THE SPIRIT OF A SPONGE

THE TRANSMIGRATIONS OF A SOUL

INDICTMENT ON EVIDENCE

“THE WHIRLIGIG OF TIME”

THE RETROSPECTIVE BIRD

A VISION OF RESURRECTION

TO “COLONEL” DAN BURNS

A “SCION OF NOBILITY”

THE NIGHT OF THE ELECTION

THE PERVERTED VILLAGE

THE WOFUL TALE OF MR. PETERS

THE OLEOMARGARINE MAN

FOR PRESIDENT, LELAND STANFORD

ON THE WEDDING OF AN AERONAUT

A HASTY INFERENCE

A VOLUPTUARY

AD CATTONUM

THE NATIONAL GUARDSMAN

A REAR ELEVATION

IN UPPER SAN FRANCISCO

TO AN INSOLENT ATTORNEY

ACCEPTED

A PROMISED FAST TRAIN

FROM THE DEATH-COLUMN

THE COMMITTEE ON PUBLIC MORALS

A PLAYWRIGHT

THE LEADER OF THE MINORITY

THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF THEFT

DOWN AMONG THE DEAD MEN

A QUESTION OF ELIGIBILITY

FLEET STROTHER

RECIPROCITY

CALIFORNIAN SUMMER PICTURES

SLANDER

JAMES L. FLOOD

THREE CANDIDATES FOR SENATOR

FOR A REVISED VERSION

A CREDITABLE COLLISION

THE BIRTH OF THE RAIL

THE REV. JOSEPH HEMPHILL

OTHERS

[Cynic perforce from studying mankind]

[McAllister, of talents rich are rare]

[Here lies Joseph Redding, who gave us the catfish]

[Judge Sawyer, whom in vain the people tried]

[Dennis Spencer's mortal coil]

[For those this mausoleum is erected]

[Beneath this stone sleeps Reuben Lloyd]

[Here lies Greer Harrison, a well cracked louse]

[This grave holds Barnes in all his glory]

[Rash mortal! stay thy feet and look around]

[Here Salomon's body reposes]

[When Waterman ended his bright career]

[Here lies the remains of Fred Emerson Brooks]

[George Perry here is stiff and stark]

[Here lies the last of Deacon Fitch]

[Beneath this stone O'Donnell's tongue's at rest]

[Hangman's hands laid in this tomb an]

[When Gabriel blows a dreadful blast]

[Here Porter Ashe is in the ground]

[Here Stanford lies, who thought it odd]

VOLUME VII THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY

Abdication, n.

[Poor Isabella's dead, whose abdication]

Abracadabra.

[By Abracadabra we signify]

Abscond, v. i.

[Spring beckons! All things to the call respond]

Absent, adj.

[To men a man is but a mind. Who cares]

Abstainer, n.

[Said a man to a crapulent youth: “I thought]

Accountability, n.

[“My accountability, bear in mind,”]

Admonition, n.

[Consigned, by way of admonition]

Advice, n.

[“The man was in such deep distress,”]

Aim, n.

[“Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?”]

Allah, n.

[Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept]

Allegiance, n.

[This thing Allegiance, as I suppose]

Alone, adj.

[In contact, lo! the flint and steel]

Altar, n.

[They stood before the altar and supplied]

Anoint, v. t.

[As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood]

Aphorism, n.

[The flabby wine-skin of his brain]

Apothecary, n.

[When Jove sent blessings to all men that are]

Archbishop, n.

[If I were a jolly archbishop]

Arsenic, n.

[“Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,”]

Art, n.

[One day a wag—what would the wretch be at?—]

Ass, n.

[“Hail, holy Ass!” the quiring angels sing]

Avernus, n.

[Facilis descensus Averni]

Babe or Baby, n.

[Ere babes were invented]

Bacchus, n.

[Is public worship, then, a sin]

Baptism, n.

[But whether the plan of immersion]

Bath, n.

[The man who taketh a steam bath]

Beg, v.

[Who is that, father?]

Behavior, n.

[Recordare, Jesu pie]

Benedictines, n.

[She thought it a crow, but it turned out to be]

Berenice's Hair, n.

[Her locks an ancient lady gave]

Body-snatcher, n.

[“One night,” a doctor said, “last fall]

Brahma, n.

[O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity]

Carmelite, n.

[As Death was a-riding out one day]

Cat, n.

[This is a dog]

Cemetery, n.

[In the earth we here prepare a]

Christian, n.

[I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!]

Clock, n.

[A busy man complained one day]

Close-fisted, adj.

[“Close-fisted Scotchman!” Johnson cried]

Cœnobite, n.

[O Cœnobite, O cœnobite]

Commonwealth, n.

[This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view]

Controversy, n.

[In controversy with the facile tongue]

Corporal, n.

[Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell]

Critic, n.

[There is a land of pure delight]

Cross, n.

[“Be good, be good!” the sisterhood]

Danger, n.

[A savage beast which, when it sleeps]

Dead, adj.

[Done with the work of breathing; done]

Debt, n.

[As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet]

Decalogue, n.

[Thou shalt no God but me adore]

Decide, v. i.

[A leaf was riven from a tree]

Delusion, n.

[All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee]

Deputy, n.

[“Chief Deputy,” the Master cried]

Diary, n.

[Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ]

Die, n.

[A cube of cheese no larger than a die]

Disobey, v. t.

[His right to govern me is clear as day]

Duel, n.

[That dueling's a gentlemanly vice]

Duty, n.

[Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court]

Eavesdrop, v. i.

[A lady with one of her ears applied]

Editor, n.

[O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought]

Egotist, n.

[Megaceph, chosen to serve the State]

Elegy, n.

[The cur foretells the knell of parting day]

Emancipation, n.

[He was a slave: at word he went and came]

End, n.

[The man was perishing apace]

Enough, pro.

[Enough is as good as a feast—for that matter]

Epitaph, n.

[Here lie the bones of Parson Platt]

Erudition, n.

[So wide his erudition's mighty span]

Excess, n.

[Hail, high Excess—especially in wine]

Excommunication, n.

[This “excommunication” is a word]

Existence, n.

[A transient, horrible, fantastic dream]

Experience, n.

[To one who, journeying through night and fog]

Famous, adj.

[Done to a turn on the iron, behold]

Fashion, n.

[A king there was who lost an eye]

Female, n.

[The Maker, at Creation's birth]

Fib, n.

[When David said: “All men are liars,” Dave]

Fiddle, n.

[To Rome said Nero: “If to smoke you turn]

Folly, n.

[Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once]

Force, n.

[“Force is but might,” the teacher said]

Forma Pauperis (Latin).

[When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court]

Freedom, n.

[Freedom, as every schoolboy knows]

Friendship, n.

[The sea was calm and the sky was blue]

Frying-Pan, n.

[Old Nick was summoned to the skies]

Funeral, n.

[The savage dies—they sacrifice a horse]

Gallows, n.

[Whether on the gallows high]

Genteel, adj.

[Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal]

Geographer, n.

[Habeam, geographer of wide renown]

Ghost, n.

[He saw a ghost]

Gnu, n.

[A hunter from Kew caught a distant view]

Gorgon, n.

[The Gorgon was a maiden bold]

Grape, n.

[Hail noble fruit!—by Homer sung]

Grave, n.

[Beside a lonely grave I stood]

Great, adj.

[“I'm great,” the Lion said—I reign]

Hatchet, n.

[“O bury the hatchet, irascible Red]

Head-Money, n.

[In ancient times there lived a king]

Heat, n.

[Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode]

Heathen, n.

[“The Hebrews are heathens!” says Howison. He's]

Helpmate, n.

[“Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?”]

History, n.

[Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown]

Homiletics, n.

[So skilled the parson was in homiletics]

Hope, n.

[Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left]

Hovel, n.

[Twaddle had a hovel]

Humorist, n.

[Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind]

Hypochondriasis, n.

[Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot]

Ichor, n.

[Fair Venus, speared by Diomed]

Ignoramus, n.

[Dumble was an ignoramus]

Immodest, adj.

[There was once a man in Ispahan]

Immortality, n.

[A toy which people cry for]

Imposition, n.

[“Lo! by the laying on of hands,”]

Improbability, n.

[His tale he told with a solemn face]

Inauspiciously, adv.

[A Roman slave appeared one day]

Indifferent, adj.

[“You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio's wife]

Infralapsarian, n.

[Two theologues once, as they wended their way]

Ingrate, n.

[“All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic. “Nay,”]

Inscription, n.

[In the sky my soul is found]

[Affliction sore long time she boar]

[The clay that rests beneath this stone]

Insectivora, n.

[“See,” cries the chorus of admiring preachers]

Intimacy, n.

[Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue]

Jester, n.

[The widow-queen of Portugal]

Keep, v. t.

[He willed away his whole estate]

King, n.

[A king, in times long, long gone by]

King's Evil, n.

[a crowd of wretched souls]

['tis spoken]

[Ye Kynge his evill in me laye]

['strangely visited people]

Knight, n.

[Once a warrior gentle of birth]

Land, n.

[A life on the ocean wave]

Last, n.

[Ah, punster, would my lot were cast]

Law, n.

[Once Law was sitting on the bench]

Lead, n.

[Hail, holy Lead!—of human feuds the great]

Leonine, adj.

[The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades]

Lexicographer, n.

[God said: “Let Spirit perish into Form,”]

Liberty, n.

[The rising People, hot and out of breath]

Life, n.

[“Life's not worth living, and that's the truth,”]

Limb, n.

['Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought]

Logomachy, n.

['Tis said by divers of the scholar-men]

Lord, n.

[Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord]

Loss, n.

[Here Huntington's ashes long have lain]

Lyre, n.

[I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre]

Machination, n.

[So plain the advantages of machination]

Macrobian, n.

[When I was young the world was fair]

Maiden, n.

[A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang]

Mammon, n.

[He swore that all other religions were gammon]

Man, n.

[When the world was young and Man was new]

Material, adj.

[Material things I know, or feel, or see]

Meekness, n.

[M is for Moses]

Meerschaum, n.

[There was a youth you've heard before]

Misdemeanor, n.

[By misdemeanors he essayed to climb]

Monosyllabic, adj.

[The man who writes in Saxon]

Monument, n.

[The bones of Agamemnon are a show]

Mummy, n.

[By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said]

Nectar, n.

[Juno drank a cup of nectar]

Nose, n.

[There's a man with a Nose]

Old, adj.

[“Old books? The devil take them!” Goby said]

Olympian, adj.

[His name the smirking tourist scrawls]

Opera, n.

[The actor apes a man—at least in shape]

Oppose, v.

[How lonely he who thinks to vex]

Orthography, n.

[A spelling reformer indicted]

Out-of-Doors, n.

[I climbed to the top of a mountain one day]

Ovation, n.

[“I had an ovation!” the actor man said]

Overeat, v.

[Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess]

Peace, n.

[O, what's the loud uproar assailing]

Perseverance, n.

[“Persevere, persevere!” cry the homilists all]

Physiognomy, n.

[“There is no art,” says Shakspeare, foolish man]

Picture, n.

[Behold great Daubert's picture here on view]

Pie, n.

[Cold pie is a detestable]

Piety, n.

[The pig is taught by sermons and epistles]

Portable, adj.

[His light estate, if neither he did make it]

Precipitate, adj.

[Precipitate in all, this sinner]

Prehistoric, adj.

[He lived in a period prehistoric]

Preside, v.

[The Headliner, holding the copy in hand]

President, n.

[If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater]

Prison, n.

[“Stone walls do not a prison make,”]

Prospect, n.

[Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes]

Quiver, n.

[He extracted from his quiver]

Quixotic, adj.

[When ignorance from out our lives can banish]

Quotation, n.

[Intent on making his quotation truer]

Rank, n.

[He held at court a rank so high]

Rash, adj.

[Now lay your bet with mine, nor let]

Reach, n.

[This is a truth, as old as the hills]

Reading, n.

[We know by one's reading]

Recruit, n.

[Fresh from the farm or factory or street]

Redemption, n.

[We must awake Man's spirit from its sin]

Redundant, adj.

[The Sultan said: “There's evidence abundant]

Renown, n.

[I touched the harp in every key]

Repentance, n.

[Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell]

Reporter, n.

[More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou]

Resign, v. t.

['Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed]

Respite, n.

[Altgeld upon his incandescent bed]

Responsibility, n.

[Alas, things ain't what we should see]

Retribution, n.

[What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go]

Review, v. t.

[To set your wisdom holding not a doubt of it]

Right, n.

[By what right, then, do royal rulers rule?]

Rimer, n.

[The rimer quenches his unheeded fires]

Road, n.

[All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome]

Rumor, n.

[Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield]

Sabbath, n.

[Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able]

Sacred, adj.

[All things are either sacred or profane]

Safety-Clutch, n.

[Once I seen a human ruin]

Satire, n.

[Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung]

Scarabee, n.

[He fell by his own hand]

Scrap-Book, n.

[Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast]

Seine, n.

[The devil casting a seine of lace]

Severalty, n.

[Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind]

Sheriff, n.

[John Elmer Pettibone Cajee]

Smithareen, n.

[The wheels go round without a sound]

Sophistry, n.

[His bad opponent's “facts” he sweeps away]

Success, n.

[The bard who would prosper must carry a book]

Sycophant, n.

[As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased]

Symbolic, adj.

[They say 'tis conscience feels compunction]

Table d' HÔTE, n.

[Old Paunchinello, freshly wed]

Tariff, n.

[The Enemy of Human Souls]

Tenacity, n.

[Of such tenacity his grip]

Tortoise, n.

TO MY PET TORTOISE

Understanding, n.

[His understanding was so keen]

Urbanity, n.

[The owner of a powder mill]

Vanity, n.

[They say that hens do cackle loudest when]

Wall Street, n.

[Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call]

Washingtonian, n.

[They took away his vote and gave instead]

Weather, n.

[Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see]

Whangdepootenawah, n.

[Should you ask me whence this laughter]

Worms'-meat, n.

[Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show!]

Yesterday, n.

[But yesterday I should have thought me blest]

Zeal, n.

[When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward]

Zigzag, v. t.

[He zedjagged so uncomen wyde]

IN CONSEQUENCE OF APPLAUSE

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319

DIAGNOSIS

Cried Allen Forman: “Doctor, pray
Compose my spirit's strife:
O what may be my chances, say,
Of living all my life?

“For lately I have dreamed of high
And hempen dissolution!
O doctor, doctor, how can I
Amend my constitution?”

The learned leech replied: “You're young
And beautiful and strong—
Permit me to inspect your tongue:
H'm, ah, ahem!—'tis long.”

University of Virginia Library

DIAGNOSIS