Skip directly to:Main content Main navigation

University of Virginia Library

The collected works of Ambrose Bierce

Bierce, Ambrose (1842-1914?)

collapse section

1.

VOLUME I ASHES OF THE BEACON THE LAND BEYOND THE BLOW FOR THE AHKOOND JOHN SMITH, LIBERATOR BITS OF AUTOBIOGRAPHY

collapse section

4.

VOLUME IV SHAPES OF CLAY

THE PASSING SHOW

AT THE CLOSE OF THE CANVASS

THE VALLEY OF DRY BONES

A MORNING FANCY

THE TOWN OF DÆ

AN OFFER OF MARRIAGE

ON A PROPOSED CREMATORY

THE WEATHER-WIGHT

FOR COERCION OF COLOMBIA

A TEAGOING ADMIRAL

SILHOUETTES OF ORIENTALS

LAND OF THE PILGRIMS' PRIDE

A SINGLE TERMER

A PLAGUE OF ASSES

FOR A CERTAIN CRITIC

CHARLES AND PETER

A PROPHET OF PEACE

AN UNREFORMABLE REFORMER

THE WORD-WAY IN PANAMA

THE JACK OF CLUBS

ANOTHER ASPIRANT

“THE WHOLE WORLD KIN”

A FUTURE CONVERSATION

THE HESITATING VETERAN

A YEAR'S “CASUALTIES”

THE DYING STATESMAN

THE DEATH OF GRANT

THE FOUNTAIN REFILLED

A REPLY TO A LETTER

BORN LEADERS OF MEN

THE CRIME OF 1903

THE TALE OF A CRIME

TO THE BARTHOLDI STATUE

AN UNMERRY CHRISTMAS

FROM VIRGINIA TO PARIS

A “MUTE INGLORIOUS MILTON”

THE FREE TRADER'S LAMENT

SUBTERRANEAN PHANTASIES

THE CYNIC'S BEQUEST

MR. FINK'S DEBATING DONKEY

TO MY LAUNDRESS

PHILOSOPHER BIMM

SALVINI IN AMERICA

TO ONE ACROSS THE WAY

TO A DEBTOR ABROAD

THE PASSING OF SHEPHERD

THE BIRTH OF VIRTUE

THE SCURRIL PRESS

ONE OF THE UNFAIR SEX

THE LORD'S PRAYER ON A COIN

THE ROYAL JESTER

A CAREER IN LETTERS

THE FOLLOWING PAIR

POLITICAL ECONOMY

THE UNPARDONABLE SIN

INDUSTRIAL DISCONTENT

TEMPORA MUTANTUR

THE NEW ENOCH ARDEN

THE GOD'S VIEW-POINT

WITH MINE OWN PETARD

THE WOMAN AND THE DEVIL

THE PIED PIPER OF BROOKLYN

A STUDY IN GRAY

A BIT OF SCIENCE

THE TABLES TURNED

TO A DEJECTED POET

THE DIVISION SUPERINTENDENT

TO A PROFESSIONAL EULOGIST

THE WISE AND GOOD

THE LOST COLONEL

THE SAINT AND THE MONK

THE GENESIS OF EMBARRASSMENT

FROM THE MINUTES

A WOMAN IN POLITICS

A BALLAD OF PIKEVILLE

LUSUS POLITICUS

THE NAVAL CONSTRUCTOR

FOUNDATIONS OF THE STATE

A FALSE PROPHECY

A SONG OF THE MANY

THE KING OF BORES

The Day of Wrath

ONE MOOD'S EXPRESSION

SOMETHING IN THE PAPERS

THE MAN BORN BLIND

THE CONFEDERATE FLAGS

HÆC FABULA DOCET

HOMO PODUNKENSIS

collapse section

SOME ANTE-MORTEM EPITAPHS

A KING OF CRAFT

MR. JUSTICE FIELD

GENERAL B. F. BUTLER

DISINCORPORATED

A TRENCHER-KNIGHT

A VICE-PRESIDENT

collapse section

AN ATTORNEY-GENERAL

AN ENEMY TO LAW AND ORDER

A FAIR DIVISION

A LACKING FACTOR

VANISHED AT COCK-CROW

A PARTISAN'S PROTEST

A BEQUEST TO MUSIC

AN ERRONEOUS ASSUMPTION

IN ARTICULO MORTIS

THE DISCOVERERS

THE EASTERN QUESTION

TO A CRITIC OF TENNYSON

STRAINED RELATIONS

AFTER PORTSMOUTH

A VOICE FROM PEKIN

AN INFRACTION OF THE RULES

A LITERARY METHOD

AN INSPIRED PERFORMANCE

collapse section

5.

VOLUME V BLACK BEETLES IN AMBER

A COMMUTED SENTENCE

A LIFTED FINGER

MATTER FOR GRATITUDE

collapse section

THREE KINDS OF A ROGUE

1.

2.

3.

YE FOE TO CATHAYE

SAMUEL SHORTRIDGE

AT A “NATIONAL ENCAMPMENT”

A VISION OF DOOM

RELIGIOUS PROGRESS

THE FALL OF MISS LARKIN

STANFORD'S WELCOME

POSTERITY'S AWARD

THE SPIRIT OF A SPONGE

ORNITHANTHROPOS

TO E. S. SALOMON,

FINIS ÆTERNITATIS

AN “EXHIBIT”

THE TRANSMIGRATIONS OF A SOUL

INDICTMENT ON EVIDENCE

AT THE WHITE HOUSE

TIDINGS OF GOOD

A SONG IN PRAISE

A POET'S FATHER

“PHIL” CRIMMINS

BY FALSE PRETENSES

LUCIFER OF THE TORCH

“THE WHIRLIGIG OF TIME”

A RAILROAD LACKEY

“DIED OF A ROSE”

A LITERARY HANGMAN

AT THE ELEVENTH HOUR

A CONTROVERSIALIST

THE RETROSPECTIVE BIRD

THE OAKLAND DOG

THE UNFALLEN BRAVE

A CELEBRATED CASE

A VISION OF RESURRECTION

MASTER OF THREE ARTS

A SOCIETY LEADER

EXPOSITOR VERITATIS

A FINGER ON THE LIPS

THREE HIGHWAYMEN

TO “COLONEL” DAN BURNS

GEORGE A. KNIGHT

A POLITICAL VIOLET

THE SUBDUED EDITOR

“BLACK BART, Po8”

A “SCION OF NOBILITY”

THE NIGHT OF THE ELECTION

THE CONVICTS' BALL

TO ONE DETESTED

THE BOSS'S CHOICE

A MERCIFUL GOVERNOR

AN INTERPRETATION

AN UNDRESS UNIFORM

THE PERVERTED VILLAGE

A JACK-AT-ALL-VIEWS

TO THE FOOL-KILLER

ONE AND ONE ARE TWO

MONTAGUE LEVERSON

THE WOFUL TALE OF MR. PETERS

TWIN UNWORTHIES

A POLITICAL APOSTATE

A PEACEFUL COMMUNITY

A COMPETITOR

BATS IN SUNSHINE

A WORD TO THE UNWISE

ON THE PLATFORM

A DAMPENED ARDOR

ADAIR WELCKER, POET

TO A WORD-WARRIOR

A CULINARY CANDIDATE

TO ONE ACQUITTED

AT THE OBSERVATORY

THE OLEOMARGARINE MAN

THE GENESIS OF CRIME

LLEWELLYN POWELL

THE “VIDUATE DAME”

A VISION OF CLIMATE

A “MASS” MEETING

A RATIONAL ANTHEM

FAMINE IN PROSPERITY

AN EPIGRAMMATIST

FOR PRESIDENT, LELAND STANFORD

A MINE FOR REFORMERS

JAMES MONTAGUE, POET

A CHEATING PREACHER

THE AMERICAN PARTY

JUDEX JUDICATUS

ON THE WEDDING OF AN AERONAUT

A HASTY INFERENCE

THE NATIONAL GUARDSMAN

A REAR ELEVATION

IN UPPER SAN FRANCISCO

THE NEW DECALOGUE

CENSOR LITERARUM

BORROWED BRAINS

YE FYGHTYNGE SEVENTH

OVER THE BORDER

TO AN INSOLENT ATTORNEY

A PROMISED FAST TRAIN

FROM THE DEATH-COLUMN

THE FARMERS' PRAYER

ONE OF THE SAINTS

A MILITARY INCIDENT

SUBSTANCE OR SHADOW

THE COMMITTEE ON PUBLIC MORALS

THE LEADER OF THE MINORITY

GEORGE C. PERKINS

THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF THEFT

DOWN AMONG THE DEAD MEN

ONE OF THE REDEEMED

A QUESTION OF ELIGIBILITY

CALIFORNIAN SUMMER PICTURES

THREE CANDIDATES FOR SENATOR

THE VAN NESSIAD

A FISH COMMISSIONER

FROM TOP TO BOTTOM

THE SHAFTER SHAFTED

TO ONE OUT OF FAVOR

TO ONE IN CUSTODY

FOR A REVISED VERSION

THE MORMON QUESTION

AN ELECTION EXPENSE

WILLIAM F. SMITH

A CREDITABLE COLLISION

CONTEMPT OF COURT

A PARTIAL ECLIPSE

collapse section

“PEACEFUL EXPULSION”

ASPIRANTS THREE

THE BIRTH OF THE RAIL

collapse section

LORING PICKERING

THE REV. JOSEPH HEMPHILL

collapse section

[Cynic perforce from studying mankind]

[McAllister, of talents rich are rare]

[Here lies Joseph Redding, who gave us the catfish]

[Judge Sawyer, whom in vain the people tried]

[Dennis Spencer's mortal coil]

[For those this mausoleum is erected]

[Beneath this stone sleeps Reuben Lloyd]

[Here lies Greer Harrison, a well cracked louse]

[This grave holds Barnes in all his glory]

[Rash mortal! stay thy feet and look around]

[Here Salomon's body reposes]

[When Waterman ended his bright career]

[Here lies the remains of Fred Emerson Brooks]

[George Perry here is stiff and stark]

[Here lies the last of Deacon Fitch]

[Beneath this stone O'Donnell's tongue's at rest]

[Hangman's hands laid in this tomb an]

[When Gabriel blows a dreadful blast]

[Here Porter Ashe is in the ground]

[Here Stanford lies, who thought it odd]

collapse section

7.

VOLUME VII THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY

collapse section

collapse section

[Poor Isabella's dead, whose abdication]

collapse section

[By Abracadabra we signify]

collapse section

[Spring beckons! All things to the call respond]

collapse section

[To men a man is but a mind. Who cares]

collapse section

[Said a man to a crapulent youth: “I thought]

collapse section

Accountability, n.

[“My accountability, bear in mind,”]

collapse section

[Consigned, by way of admonition]

collapse section

[“The man was in such deep distress,”]

collapse section

[“Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?”]

collapse section

[Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept]

collapse section

[This thing Allegiance, as I suppose]

collapse section

[In contact, lo! the flint and steel]

collapse section

[They stood before the altar and supplied]

collapse section

[As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood]

collapse section

[The flabby wine-skin of his brain]

collapse section

[When Jove sent blessings to all men that are]

collapse section

[If I were a jolly archbishop]

collapse section

[“Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,”]

collapse section

[One day a wag—what would the wretch be at?—]

collapse section

[“Hail, holy Ass!” the quiring angels sing]

collapse section

[Facilis descensus Averni]

collapse section

collapse section

Babe or Baby, n.

[Ere babes were invented]

collapse section

[Is public worship, then, a sin]

collapse section

[But whether the plan of immersion]

collapse section

[The man who taketh a steam bath]

collapse section

[Who is that, father?]

collapse section

[Recordare, Jesu pie]

collapse section

Benedictines, n.

[She thought it a crow, but it turned out to be]

collapse section

Berenice's Hair, n.

[Her locks an ancient lady gave]

collapse section

Body-snatcher, n.

[“One night,” a doctor said, “last fall]

collapse section

[O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity]

collapse section

collapse section

[As Death was a-riding out one day]

collapse section

[This is a dog]

collapse section

[In the earth we here prepare a]

collapse section

[I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!]

collapse section

[A busy man complained one day]

collapse section

Close-fisted, adj.

[“Close-fisted Scotchman!” Johnson cried]

collapse section

[O Cœnobite, O cœnobite]

collapse section

Commonwealth, n.

[This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view]

collapse section

Controversy, n.

[In controversy with the facile tongue]

collapse section

[Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell]

collapse section

[There is a land of pure delight]

collapse section

[“Be good, be good!” the sisterhood]

collapse section

collapse section

[A savage beast which, when it sleeps]

collapse section

[Done with the work of breathing; done]

collapse section

[As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet]

collapse section

[Thou shalt no God but me adore]

collapse section

[A leaf was riven from a tree]

collapse section

[All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee]

collapse section

[“Chief Deputy,” the Master cried]

collapse section

[Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ]

collapse section

[A cube of cheese no larger than a die]

collapse section

[His right to govern me is clear as day]

collapse section

[That dueling's a gentlemanly vice]

collapse section

[Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court]

collapse section

collapse section

Eavesdrop, v. i.

[A lady with one of her ears applied]

collapse section

[O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought]

collapse section

[Megaceph, chosen to serve the State]

collapse section

[The cur foretells the knell of parting day]

collapse section

Emancipation, n.

[He was a slave: at word he went and came]

collapse section

[The man was perishing apace]

collapse section

[Enough is as good as a feast—for that matter]

collapse section

[Here lie the bones of Parson Platt]

collapse section

[So wide his erudition's mighty span]

collapse section

[Hail, high Excess—especially in wine]

collapse section

Excommunication, n.

[This “excommunication” is a word]

collapse section

[A transient, horrible, fantastic dream]

collapse section

[To one who, journeying through night and fog]

collapse section

collapse section

[Done to a turn on the iron, behold]

collapse section

[A king there was who lost an eye]

collapse section

[The Maker, at Creation's birth]

collapse section

[When David said: “All men are liars,” Dave]

collapse section

[To Rome said Nero: “If to smoke you turn]

collapse section

[Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once]

collapse section

[“Force is but might,” the teacher said]

collapse section

Forma Pauperis (Latin).

[When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court]

collapse section

[Freedom, as every schoolboy knows]

collapse section

[The sea was calm and the sky was blue]

collapse section

[Old Nick was summoned to the skies]

collapse section

[The savage dies—they sacrifice a horse]

collapse section

collapse section

[Whether on the gallows high]

collapse section

[Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal]

collapse section

[Habeam, geographer of wide renown]

collapse section

[He saw a ghost]

collapse section

[A hunter from Kew caught a distant view]

collapse section

[The Gorgon was a maiden bold]

collapse section

[Hail noble fruit!—by Homer sung]

collapse section

[Beside a lonely grave I stood]

collapse section

[“I'm great,” the Lion said—I reign]

collapse section

collapse section

[“O bury the hatchet, irascible Red]

collapse section

[In ancient times there lived a king]

collapse section

[Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode]

collapse section

[“The Hebrews are heathens!” says Howison. He's]

collapse section

[“Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?”]

collapse section

[Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown]

collapse section

[So skilled the parson was in homiletics]

collapse section

[Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left]

collapse section

[Twaddle had a hovel]

collapse section

[Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind]

collapse section

Hypochondriasis, n.

[Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot]

collapse section

collapse section

[Fair Venus, speared by Diomed]

collapse section

[Dumble was an ignoramus]

collapse section

[There was once a man in Ispahan]

collapse section

Immortality, n.

[A toy which people cry for]

collapse section

[“Lo! by the laying on of hands,”]

collapse section

Improbability, n.

[His tale he told with a solemn face]

collapse section

Inauspiciously, adv.

[A Roman slave appeared one day]

collapse section

Indifferent, adj.

[“You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio's wife]

collapse section

Infralapsarian, n.

[Two theologues once, as they wended their way]

collapse section

[“All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic. “Nay,”]

collapse section

Inscription, n.

[In the sky my soul is found]

[Affliction sore long time she boar]

[The clay that rests beneath this stone]

collapse section

Insectivora, n.

[“See,” cries the chorus of admiring preachers]

collapse section

[Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue]

collapse section

collapse section

[The widow-queen of Portugal]

collapse section

collapse section

[He willed away his whole estate]

collapse section

[A king, in times long, long gone by]

collapse section

King's Evil, n.

[a crowd of wretched souls]

[Ye Kynge his evill in me laye]

['strangely visited people]

collapse section

[Once a warrior gentle of birth]

collapse section

collapse section

[A life on the ocean wave]

collapse section

[Ah, punster, would my lot were cast]

collapse section

[Once Law was sitting on the bench]

collapse section

[Hail, holy Lead!—of human feuds the great]

collapse section

[The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades]

collapse section

Lexicographer, n.

[God said: “Let Spirit perish into Form,”]

collapse section

[The rising People, hot and out of breath]

collapse section

[“Life's not worth living, and that's the truth,”]

collapse section

['Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought]

collapse section

['Tis said by divers of the scholar-men]

collapse section

[Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord]

collapse section

[Here Huntington's ashes long have lain]

collapse section

[I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre]

collapse section

collapse section

Machination, n.

[So plain the advantages of machination]

collapse section

[When I was young the world was fair]

collapse section

[A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang]

collapse section

[He swore that all other religions were gammon]

collapse section

[When the world was young and Man was new]

collapse section

[Material things I know, or feel, or see]

collapse section

[M is for Moses]

collapse section

[There was a youth you've heard before]

collapse section

Misdemeanor, n.

[By misdemeanors he essayed to climb]

collapse section

Monosyllabic, adj.

[The man who writes in Saxon]

collapse section

[The bones of Agamemnon are a show]

collapse section

[By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said]

collapse section

collapse section

[Juno drank a cup of nectar]

collapse section

[There's a man with a Nose]

collapse section

collapse section

[“Old books? The devil take them!” Goby said]

collapse section

[His name the smirking tourist scrawls]

collapse section

[The actor apes a man—at least in shape]

collapse section

[How lonely he who thinks to vex]

collapse section

Orthography, n.

[A spelling reformer indicted]

collapse section

Out-of-Doors, n.

[I climbed to the top of a mountain one day]

collapse section

[“I had an ovation!” the actor man said]

collapse section

[Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess]

collapse section

collapse section

[O, what's the loud uproar assailing]

collapse section

Perseverance, n.

[“Persevere, persevere!” cry the homilists all]

collapse section

Physiognomy, n.

[“There is no art,” says Shakspeare, foolish man]

collapse section

[Behold great Daubert's picture here on view]

collapse section

[Cold pie is a detestable]

collapse section

[The pig is taught by sermons and epistles]

collapse section

[His light estate, if neither he did make it]

collapse section

Precipitate, adj.

[Precipitate in all, this sinner]

collapse section

Prehistoric, adj.

[He lived in a period prehistoric]

collapse section

[The Headliner, holding the copy in hand]

collapse section

[If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater]

collapse section

[“Stone walls do not a prison make,”]

collapse section

[Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes]

collapse section

collapse section

[He extracted from his quiver]

collapse section

[When ignorance from out our lives can banish]

collapse section

[Intent on making his quotation truer]

collapse section

collapse section

[He held at court a rank so high]

collapse section

[Now lay your bet with mine, nor let]

collapse section

[This is a truth, as old as the hills]

collapse section

[We know by one's reading]

collapse section

[Fresh from the farm or factory or street]

collapse section

[We must awake Man's spirit from its sin]

collapse section

Redundant, adj.

[The Sultan said: “There's evidence abundant]

collapse section

[I touched the harp in every key]

collapse section

[Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell]

collapse section

[More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou]

collapse section

['Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed]

collapse section

[Altgeld upon his incandescent bed]

collapse section

Responsibility, n.

[Alas, things ain't what we should see]

collapse section

Retribution, n.

[What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go]

collapse section

[To set your wisdom holding not a doubt of it]

collapse section

[By what right, then, do royal rulers rule?]

collapse section

[The rimer quenches his unheeded fires]

collapse section

[All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome]

collapse section

[Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield]

collapse section

collapse section

[Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able]

collapse section

[All things are either sacred or profane]

collapse section

Safety-Clutch, n.

[Once I seen a human ruin]

collapse section

[Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung]

collapse section

[He fell by his own hand]

collapse section

[Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast]

collapse section

[The devil casting a seine of lace]

collapse section

[Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind]

collapse section

[John Elmer Pettibone Cajee]

collapse section

[The wheels go round without a sound]

collapse section

[His bad opponent's “facts” he sweeps away]

collapse section

[The bard who would prosper must carry a book]

collapse section

[As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased]

collapse section

[They say 'tis conscience feels compunction]

collapse section

collapse section

Table d' HÔTE, n.

[Old Paunchinello, freshly wed]

collapse section

[The Enemy of Human Souls]

collapse section

[Of such tenacity his grip]

collapse section

TO MY PET TORTOISE

collapse section

collapse section

Understanding, n.

[His understanding was so keen]

collapse section

[The owner of a powder mill]

collapse section

collapse section

[They say that hens do cackle loudest when]

collapse section

collapse section

Wall Street, n.

[Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call]

collapse section

Washingtonian, n.

[They took away his vote and gave instead]

collapse section

[Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see]

collapse section

Whangdepootenawah, n.

[Should you ask me whence this laughter]

collapse section

Worms'-meat, n.

[Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show!]

collapse section

collapse section

[But yesterday I should have thought me blest]

collapse section

collapse section

[When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward]

collapse section

[He zedjagged so uncomen wyde]

collapse section

6.

THE SLEEPING LION

A PAIR OF OPPOSITES

THE CO-DEFENDANTS

IN CONSEQUENCE OF APPLAUSE

collapse section

Collapse All | Expand All expand section

A COMPETITOR

Mrs. Frona Eunice Wait,
My legs are not so very straight;
My spine, I'm sorry to observe,
Maintains a most rebellious curve;
My neck is skinny, and my bust
Would justify a husband's trust.
But papa thinks his Mary Ann
Is built upon a gorgeous plan.

Mrs. Frona Eunice Wait,
I take the liberty to state
That Venuses would go on strike
If ordered to be all alike;
For some are made for this, and some
For that—you take 'em as they come.
But papa says: “My Mary Ann
Knocks out the whole damn caravan!”

171

Mrs. Frona Eunice Wait,
They think in Greaserville I'm great—
They say in Greaserville: “You bet
She'll make them hens get up and get!
She's just a bird!” So when I clout
Myself in cheese-cloth you look out!
For papa says: “My Mary Ann
Has win whenever she has ran.”

Mrs. Frona Eunice Wait,
I'm giving you the business straight:
Make any standards that you please
Beneath my cloth I'm just the cheese.
I care not what the artists say—
I'm in it and I'm in to stay.
For papa says: “If Mary Ann
Will advertise she'll get a man.”

Mrs. Frona Eunice Wait,
Head Venus-herder of the State,
Round up your girls. But Frona, dear
I think it very, very queer
That you yourself do not compete.
Are you too plump or too petite?
My papa says: “Why, Mary Ann,
She's from Beërsheba to Dan!”