 | The collected works of Ambrose Bierce |  |
355
THE SCRAP HEAP
357
POESY
Successive bards pursue Ambition's fireThat shines, Oblivion, above thy mire.
The latest mounts his predecessor's trunk,
And sinks his brother ere himself is sunk.
So die ingloriously Fame's élite,
But dams of dunces keep the line complete.
HOSPITALITY
Why ask me, Gastrogogue, to dine,(Unless to praise your rascal wine)
Yet never ask some luckless sinner
Who needs, as I do not, a dinner?
MAGNANIMITY
“To the will of the people we loyally bow!”That's the minority shibboleth now.
O noble antagonists, answer me flat—
What would you do if you didn't do that?
358
UNDERSTATED
“I'm sorry I married,” says Upton Sinclair:“The conjugal status is awful!—
The devil's device, a delusion and snare.”
Worse, far worse than that—it is lawful!
AN ATTORNEY-GENERAL
Philander Knox!—I know him by the sound;His sleep, unlike his learning, is profound.
No dreams of duty mar his loud repose,
Nor strain the cobwebs tethering his nose,
Which, roaring ever like the solemn sea,
Proclaims to all the world that this is he.
In thought a tortoise but in act a hare,
Slow to decide and impotent to dare,
Yet no important crisis he ignores,
But sleeps upon it, and for action—snores.
FINANCIAL NEWS
Says Rockefeller: “Money is not tight,”And, faith, I'm thinking that the man is right.
If it were not, at least in morals, loose
He hardly could command it for his use.
359
ASPIRATION
No man can truthfully say that he would not like to be President.—
William C. Whitney.Lo! the wild rabbit, happy in the pride
Of qualities to meaner beasts denied,
Surveys the ass with reverence and fear,
Adoring his superior length of ear,
And says: “No living creature, lean or fat,
But wishes in his heart to be like That!”
DEMOCRACY
Let slaves and subjects with extolling psalmsBefore their sovereign execute salaams;
The freeman scorns one idol to adore—
Tom, Dick, and Harry and himself are four.
AN ENEMY TO LAW AND ORDER
A is defrauded of his land by B,Who's driven from the premises by C.
D buys the place with coin of plundered E.
“That A's an Anarchist!” says F to G.
360
FORESIGHT
An “actors' cemetery!” SureThe devil never tires
Of planning places to procure
The sticks to feed his fires.
A FAIR DIVISION
Another Irish landlord gone to grass,Slain by the bullets of the tenant class!
Pray, good agrarians, what wrong requires
Such foul redress? Between you and the squires
All Ireland's parted with an even hand—
For you have all the ire, they all the land.
A LACKING FACTOR
“You acted unwisely,” I cried, “as you seeBy the outcome.” He calmly eyed me:
“When choosing the course of my action,” said he,
“I had not the outcome to guide me.”
361
THE POLITICIAN
Let patriots manipulateThe tiller of the Ship of State;
Be mine the humble, useful toil
To work the tiller of the soil.
ELIHU ROOT
Stoop to a dirty trick or low misdeed?What, bend him from his moral skies to it?
No, no, not he! To serve his nature's need
He may upon occasion rise to it.
AN ERROR
“I never have been able to determineJust how it is that the judicial ermine
Is safely guarded from predacious vermin.”
“It is not so, my friend; though in a garret
'Tis kept in camphor, and you often air it,
The vermin will get into it and wear it.”
362
VANISHED AT COCK-CROW
“I've found the secret of your charm,” I said,Expounding with complacency my guess.
Alas! the charm, even as I named it, fled,
For all its secret was unconsciousness.
WOMAN
Study good women and ignore the rest,For he best knows the sex who knows the best.
A PARTISAN'S PROTEST
O statesmen, what would you be at,With torches, flags and bands?
You make me first throw up my hat,
And then my hands.
363
A BEQUEST TO MUSIC
“Let music flourish!” So he said and died.Hark! when he's gone the minstrelsy begins:
The symphonies ascend, a swelling tide,
Melodious thunders fill the welkin wide—
The grand old lawyers, chinning on their chins!
ONEIROMANCY
I fell asleep and dreamed that IWas flung, like Vulcan, from the sky;
Like him, was lamed—another part:
His leg was crippled, and my heart.
I woke in time to see my love
Conceal a letter in her glove.
JULY FOURTH
God said: “Let there be noise.” The dawning fireOf Independence gilded every spire.
364
A PARADOX
“If life were not worth living,” said the preacher,“'Twould have in suicide one pleasant feature.”
“An error,” said the pessimist, “you're making:
What's not worth having cannot be worth taking.”
REEDIFIED
Lord of the Tempest, pray refrainFrom leveling this church again.
Now in its doom, since so you've willed it,
We acquiesce: but you'll rebuild it.
A BULLETIN
“Lothario is very low,”So all the doctors tell.
Nay, nay, not so,—he will be, though,
If ever he get well.
365
AN INSCRIPTION
For a Statue of Napoleon
A conqueror as provident as brave,He robbed the cradle to supply the grave.
His reign laid quantities of human dust:
He fell upon the just and the unjust.
AN ERRONEOUS ASSUMPTION
Good for he's old? Ah, Youth, you do not dreamHow sweet the roses in the autumn seem!
A CONSTRUCTOR
I saw the devil. He was working free—A customs-house he builded by the sea.
“Why do you this?” The devil raised his head:
“Of churches I have built enough,” he said.
366
GOD COMPLIES
“By prayer see Megapomp restored,”Shouts Martext, pious creature.
Yes, God by supplication bored
From every droning preacher,
Exclaimed: “So be it, tiresome crew;
But I've a crow to pick with you.”
IN ARTICULO MORTIS
The paper presented he solemnly signed,Gasping—perhaps 'twas a jest he meant:
“This of a sound and disposing mind
Is the last illwill and contestament.”
THE DISCOVERERS
My! how my fame rings out in ever zone—A thousand critics shouting: “He's unknown!”
UNEXPOUNDED
On Evidence, on Deeds, on Bills,On Copyhold, on Loans, on Wills,
Lawyers great books indite.
The creaking of their busy quills
I never heard on Right.
367
THE EASTERN QUESTION
Looking across the line, the Grecian said:“This border I will stain a Turkey red.”
The Moslem smiled serenely and replied:
“No Greek has ever for his country dyed.”
While thus each patriot guarded his frontier
The Powers stole the country in his rear.
TWO TYPES
Courageous fool!—the peril's strength unknown.Courageous man!—so conscious of your own.
TO A CRITIC OF TENNYSON
Affronting fool, subdue your transient light;When Wisdom's dull dares Folly to be bright?
If Genius stumble in the path to fame
'Tis decency in dunces to go lame.
368
COOPERATION
No more the swindler singly seeks his prey:To hunt in couples is the modern way—
A rascal from the public to purloin,
An honest man to hide away the coin.
HUMILITY
Great poets fire the world with fagots bigThat make a crackling racket,
But I'm content with but a whispering twig
To warm some single jacket.
STRAINED RELATIONS
Says England to Germany: “Africa's ours.”Says Germany: “Ours, I opine.”
Says Africa: “Tell me, delectable Powers,
What is it that ought to be mine?”
369
EXONERATION
When men at candidacy don't connive,From that suspicion if their friends would free 'em
The teeth and nails with which they do not strive
Should be exhibited in a museum.
AFTER PORTSMOUTH
Begirt with bombs that fall and flames that rise,The Tsar, bewildered, stares. “Alas,” he cries,
“Life withholds joy and death denies release!
And Roosevelt would have me think this peace.”
A VOICE FROM PEKIN
“‘Empress of China’! I nor rule nor reign:I wear the purple but to hide the chain—
Free only to hold back the open door
For foreign devils drunk upon my floor.”
370
A PIOUS RITE
On Maunday Thursday, as was good and meet,The Emperor of Austria washed the feet
Of twelve poor men to show how humble he
For twenty minutes of the year could be.
O Thou, who trackest tenants of the throne
Through moral quagmires, make them wash their own.
JUSTICE
She jilted me. I madly cried:“The grave at least can hold her!”
Reflecting then that if she died
'Twould stop her growing older,
I pitilessly sheathed the knife
And sternly sentenced her to life!
AT THE BEACH
List, England, to our words of scornFor noblemen to title born!
Yet be thine eyes awhile depressed,
For one has turned his prow to-west,
And we, to catch his landing-line,
Are pickling all our shins in brine.
371
AN INFRACTION OF THE RULES
A duel in France, and the victor pursuedBy the dogs of the law, by the multitude,
By society's fierce ill-will!
O what is the matter? The man was so rude,
That he made an attempt to kill!
CONVERSELY
There's grief in Belgrade, for no crown, it is said,Is found for King Peter in all of the town.
How sad that he's lacking a crown for his head!
How sweet were he lacking a head for his crown!
A WARNING
Cried Age to Youth: “Abate your speed!The distance hither's brief indeed.”
But Youth pressed on without delay—
The shout had reached but half the way.
372
PSYCHOGRAPHS
Says Gerald Massey: “When I write, a bandOf souls of the departed guides my hand.”
How strange that poems cumbering our shelves,
Penned by immortal parts, have none themselves!
FOR WOUNDS
O bear me, gods, to some enchanted isleWhere woman's tears can antidote her smile.
A LITERARY METHOD
His “Hoosier poems” Riley says he writesUpon an empty stomach. Heavenly Powers,
Feed him throat-full; for what the wretch indites
Upon his empty stomach empties ours!
373
BACK TO NATURE
Nathaniel, Julian, Hildegardy!Sure the stock is far from hardy,
And the name once heard with awe
Now provokes the loud guffaw—
“Hawthorne” in the memory dear,
“Haw-haw-hawthorne” in the ear!
RUDOLPH BLOCK
What parallel, neighbor, be pleased to expound'Twixt Belgium's king and you may be found?
Why this: if the cable dispatches are true
He lies on his deathbed. So would you.
BOYCOTT
“This thing's a bomb,” said Gompers, lightingThe fuse; “'twill blow them all a kiting!”
Well, now 'tis shattered all to pieces,
And Gompers but a spot of grease is.
374
TO HER
O Sinner A, to me unknownBe such a conscience as your own!
To ease it, you to Sinner B
Confess the sins of Sinner C.
CREATION
God dreamed—the suns sprang flaming into place,And sailing worlds with many a venturous race!
He woke—His smile alone illumined space.
REBUKE
When Admonition's hand essaysOur greed to curse,
Its lifted finger oft displays
Our missing purse.
375
PRAYER
Fear not in any tongue to callUpon the Lord—He's skilled in all.
But if He answereth my plea
He speaketh one unknown to me.
THE LONG FEAR
Noting the hangman's frown and the law's righteous rage,Our murderers live in terror till they die of age.
AN INSPIRED PERFORMANCE
The Devil troubled a pool of mud,And Vierick from out the smother
Arose and to prove his royal blood
Defamed his peasant mother.
Dear Devil, his poems—we'll suffer all those,
But do not again provoke him to prose.
376
SEPULTURE
“Let's bury the hatchet,” said Miller to Platt;And Platt said to Miller: “I'll gladly do that.”
On its grave, Warner Miller, the grasses grow not,
But the wind in your hair whistles over the spot.
| The collected works of Ambrose Bierce | |