University of Virginia Library

WOUTER VAN TWILLER.

The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was
descended from a long line of Dutch burgomasters, who
had successively dozed away their lives, and grown fat
upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterdam; and who
had comported themselves with such singular wisdom and
propriety that they were never either heard or talked of—
which, next to being universally applauded, should be the
object of ambition to all sage magistrates and rulers.

His surname of Twiller is said to be a corruption of
the original Twijfler, which in English means doubter; a
name admirably descriptive of his deliberative habits.
For though he was a man shut up within himself like an
oyster, and of such a profoundly reflective turn that he
scarcely ever spoke except in monosyllables; yet did he
never make up his mind on any doubtful point. This
was clearly accounted for by his adherents, who affirmed
that he always conceived every subject on so comprehensive
a scale that he had not room in his head to turn it
over and examine both sides of it; so that he always remained
in doubt, merely in consequence of the astonishing
magnitude of his ideas!

There are two opposite ways by which some men get
into notice—one by talking a vast deal and thinking a little,
and the other by holding their tongues and not thinking
at all. By the first many a vapouring superficial
pretender acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts,
—by the other, many a vacant dunderpate like the owl,
the stupidest of birds, comes to be complimented by a
discerning world, with all the attributes of wisdom. This,
by the way, is a mere casual remark, which I would not
for the universe have it thought I apply to Governor Van
Twiller. On the contrary, he was a very wise Dutchman,
for he never said a foolish thing; and of such invincible
gravity that he was never known to laugh, or even to
smile, through the course of a long and prosperous life.
Certain, however, it is, there never was a matter proposed,
however simple, and on which your common narrow
minded mortals would rashly determine at the first glance,
but what the renowned Wouter put on a mighty mysterious,
vacant kind of look, shook his capacious head, and
having smoked for five minutes with redoubled earnestness,

sagely observed, that “he had his doubts about
the matter;”—which, in process of time gained him the
character of a man slow of belief, and not easily imposed
on.

The person of this illustrious old gentleman was as regularly
formed, and nobly proportioned, as though it had
been moulded by the hands of some cunning Dutch statuary,
as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur. He
was exactly five feet six inches in height, and six feet five
inches in circumference. His head was a perfect sphere,
far excelling in magnitude that of the great Pericles (who
was thence waggishly called Schenocephalus, or onion
head)—indeed, of such stupendous dimensions was it, that
dame Nature herself, with all her sex's ingenuity, would
have been puzzled to construct a neck capable of supporting
it; wherefore she wisely declined the attempt, and
settled it firmly on the top of his back-bone, just between
the shoulders; where it remained, as snugly bedded as a
ship of war in the mud of Potowmac. His body was
of an oblong form, particularly capacious at bottom; which
was wisely ordered by providence, seeing that he was a
man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labour
of walking. His legs, though exceeding short, were
sturdy in proportion to the weight they had to sustain;
so that when erect he had not a little the appearance of
a robustious beer barrel, standing on skids. His face,
that infalliable index of the mind, presented a vast expanse
perfectly unfurrowed or deformed by any of those lines
and angles which disfigure the human countenance with
what is termed expression. Two small gray eyes twinkled
feebly in the midst, like two stars of lesser magnitude,
in a hazy firmament; and his full-fed checks, which seemed
to have taken toll of every thing that went into his mouth,
were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky red, like a
Spitzemburg apple.

His habits were as regular as his person. He daily
took his four stated meals, appropriating exactly an hour
to each; he smoked and doubted eight hours, and he slept
the remaining twelve of the four-and-twenty. Such was
the renowned Wouter Van Twiller—a true philosopher,
for his mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly settled
below, the cares and perplexities of this world. He
had lived in it for years, without feeling the least curiosity
to know whether the sun revolved around it, or it round
the sun; and he had even watched for at least half a century,

the smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, without
once troubling his head with any of those numerous
theories, by which a philosopher would have perplexed his
brain, in accounting for its arising above the surrounding
atmosphere.

In his council he presided with great state and solemnity.
He sat in a huge chair of solid oak hewn in the
celebrated forest of the Hague, fabricated by an experienced
Timmerman of Amsterdam, and curiously carved
about the arms and feet, into exact imitations of gigantic
eagle's claws. Instead of a sceptre, he swayed a long
Turkish pipe, wrought with jasmin and amber, which had
been presented to a stadtholder of Holland at the conclusion
of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary powers.
In this stately chair would he sit, and this magnificent
pipe would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a constant
motion, and fixing his eyes for hours together upon
a little print of Amsterdam, which hung in a black frame
against the opposite wall of the council chamber. Nay,
it has even been said, that when any deliberation of extraordinary
length and intricacy was on the carpet, the
renowned Wouter would absolutely shut his eyes for full
two hours at a time, that he might not be disturbed by
external objects; and at such times the internal commotion
of his mind was evinced by certain regular guttural
sounds, which his admirers declared were merely the
noise of conflict made by his contending doubts and
opinions.

It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to collect
these biographical anecdotes of the great man under
consideration. The facts respecting him were so scattered
and vague, and divers of them so questionable in point
of authenticity, that I have had to give up the search after
many, and decline the admission of still more, which
would have tended to heighten the colouring of his portrait.

I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the
person and habits of the renowned Van Twiller, from the
consideration that he was not only the first, but also the
best governor that ever presided over this ancient and
respectable province; and so tranquil and benevolent was
his reign that I do not find, throughout the whole of it, a
single instance of any offender being brought to punishment;—a
most indubitable sign of a merciful governor
and a case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of the illustrious

King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the renowned
Van Twiller was a lineal descendant.

The very outset of the career of this excellent magistrate,
like that of Solomon, or to speak more appropriately,
like that of the illustrious governor of Barataria,
was distinguished by an example of legal acumen, that
gave flattering presage of a wise and equitable administration.
The very morning after he had been solemnly installed
in office, and at the moment that he was making
his breakfast from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with
milk and Indian pudding, he was suddenly interrupted by
the appearance of one Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important
old burgher of New-Amsterdam, who complained
bitterly of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he fraudulently
refused to come to a settlement of accounts, seeing
that there was a heavy balance in favour of the said Wandle.
Governor Van Twiller, as I have already observed,
was a man of few words; he was likewise a mortal
enemy to multiplying writings, or being disturbed at his
breakfast. Having listened attentively to the statement
of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an occasionable grunt, as
he shovelled a mighty spoonful of Indian pudding into
his mouth—either as a sign that he relished the dish, or
comprehended the story: he called unto him his constable,
and pulling out of his breeches pocket a huge jackknife,
despatched it after the defendant as a summons,
accompanied by his tobacco box as a warrant.

This summary process was as effectual in those simple
days as was the seal ring of the great Haroun Alraschid
among the true believers. The two parties, being confronted
before him, each produced a book of accounts,
written in a language and character that would have puzzled
any but a high Dutch commentator, or a learned decipherer
of Egyptian obelisks, to understand. The sage
Wouter took them one after the other, and having poised
them in his hands, and attentiveiy counted over the number
of leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and
smoked for half an hour without saying a word; at length,
laying his finger beside his nose, and shutting his eyes for
a moment, with the air of a man who has just caught a
subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his
mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and with
marvellous gravity and solemnity pronounced—that having
carefully counted over the leaves, and weighed the
books, it was found, that one was just as thick and as

heavy as the other—therefore it was the final opinion of
the court, that the accounts were equally balanced—therefore
Wandle should give Barent a receipt, and Barent
should give Wandle a receipt—and the constable should
pay the costs.

This decision being straightway made known, diffused
general joy throughout New-Amsterdam; for the people
immediately perceived, that they had a very wise and
equitable magistrate to rule over them. But its happiest
effect was, that not another lawsuit took place throughout
the whole of his administration; and the office of constable
fell into such decay, that there was not one of those
losel scouts known in the province for many years. I am
the more particular in dwelling on this transaction, not
only because I deem it one of the most sage and righteous
judgments on record, and well worthy the attention of
modern magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event
in the history of the renowned Wouter—being the only
time he was ever known to come to a decision, in the
whole course of his life.