University of Virginia Library

WILL WIZARD.

I WAS not a little surprised the other morning at a request
from Will Wizard, that I would accompany him
that evening to Mrs. —'s ball. The request was
simple enough in itself, it was only singular as coming
from Will;—of all my acquaintance, Wizard, is the least
calculated and disposed for the society of ladies—not that
he dislikes their company; on the contrary, like every
man of pith and marrow, he is a professed admirer of
the sex; and had he been born a poet, would undoubtedly
have bespattered and be-rhymed some hard
named goddess; until she became as famous as Petrach's
Laura, or Waller's Sacharissa; but Will is such a confounded
bungler at a bow, has so many odd bachelor
habits, and finds it so troublesome to be gallant, that he
generally prefers smoking his cigar and telling his story
among cronies of his own gender:—and thundering long
stories they are, let me tell you: set Will once a-going
about China or Crim Tartary, or the Hottentots, and
heaven help the poor victim who has to endure his prolixity;
he might better be tied to the tail of a jack- o'lanthern.
In one word, Will talks like a traveller. Being
well acquainted with his character, I was the more
alarmed at his inclination to visit a party; since he has

often assured me, that he considered it as equivalent
to being stuck up for three hours in a steam-engine. I
even wondered how he had received an invitation;—this
he soon accounted for. It seems Will, on his last arrival
from Canton, had made a present of a case of tea to a
lady, for whom he had once entertained a sneaking kindness
when at grammar-school; and she in return had
invited him to come and drink some of it: a cheap way
enough of paying off little obligations. I readily acceded
to Will's proposition, expecting much entertainment
from his eccentric remarks; and as he has been absent
some few years, I anticipated his surprise at the splendour
and elegance of a modern rout.

On calling for Will in the evening, I found him full
dressed, waiting for me. I contemplated him with absolute
dismay. As he still retained a spark of regard for the
lady who once reigned in his affections, he had been at
unusual pains in decorating his person, and broke upon
my sight arrayed in the true style that prevailed among
our beaux some years ago. His hair was turned up and
tufted at the top, frizzled out at the ears, a profusion of
powder puffed over the whole, and a long plaited club
swung gracefully from shoulder to shoulder, describing
a pleasing semi-circle of powder and pomatum. His
claret-coloured coat was decorated with a profusion of
gilt buttons, and reached to his calves. His white cassimere
small-clothes were so tight that he seemed to have
grown up in them; and his ponderous legs, which are
the thickest part of his body, were beautifully clothed in
sky-blue silk stockings, once considered so becoming.
But above all, he prided himself upon his waistcoat of
China silk, which might almost have served a good house-wife
for a short-gown; and he boasted that the roses and
tulips upon it were the work of Nang-Fou, daughter of
the great Chin-Chin-Fou, who had fallen in love with the
graces of his person, and sent it to him as a parting present;
he assured me she was a perfect beauty, with
sweet obliquity of eyes, and a foot no longer than the
thumb of an alderman;—he then dilated most copiously
on his silver sprigged dicky, which he assured me was
quite the rage among the dashing young mandarins of
Canton.

I hold it an ill-natured office to put any man out of
conceit with himself; so, though I would willingly have

made a little alteration in my friend Wizard's picturesque
costume, yet I politely complimented him on his
rakish appearance.

On entering the room I kept a good look out on Will,
expecting to see him exhibit signs of surprise; but he is
one of those knowing fellows who are never surprised at
any thing, or at least will never acknowledge it. He
took his stand in the middle of the floor, playing with
his great steel watch-chain; and looking round on the
company, the furniture, and the pictures, with the air of
a man “who had seen d—d finer things in his time;”
and to my utter confusion and dismay, I saw him coolly
pull out his villanous old japanned tobacco-box, ornamented
with a bottle, a pipe, and a scurvy motto, and
help himself to a quid in face of all the company.

I knew it was all in vain to find fault with a fellow
of Will's socratic turn, who is never to be put out of
humour with himself; so, after he had given his box its
prescriptive rap, and returned it to his pocket, I drew
him into a corner where he might observe the company
without being prominent objects ourselves.

“And pray who is that stylish figure,” said Will,
“who blazes away in red, like a volcano, and who
seems wrapped in flames like a fiery dragon?”—That,
cried I, is Miss Laurelia Dashaway:—she is the highest
flash of the ton—has much whim and more eccentricity,
and has reduced many an unhappy gentleman to
stupidity by her charms; you see she holds out the red
flag in token of “no quarter.” “Then keep me safe
out of the sphere of her attractions,” cried Will: “I
would not e'en come in contact with her train, lest it
should scorch me like the tail of a comet.—But who, I
beg of you, is that amiable youth who is handing along
a young lady, and at the same time contemplating his
sweet person in a mirror, as he passes?” His name,
said I, is Billy Dimple;—he is a universal smiler, and
would travel from Dan to Beersheba, and smile on every
body as he passed. Dimple is a slave to the ladies—a
hero at tea-parties, and is famous at the pirouet and the
pigeon-wing; a fiddle-stick is his idol, and a dance his
elysium. “A very pretty young gentleman, truly,”
cried Wizard; “he reminds me of a contemporary beau
at Hayti. You must know that the magnanimous Dessalines
gave a great ball to his court one fine sultry summer's
evening; Dessy and I were great cronies;—hand

and glove:—one of the most condescending great men I
ever knew.—Such a display of black and yellow beauties!
such a show of Madras handkerchiefs, red beads, cocks'
tails, and peacocks' feathers!—it was, as here, who should
wear the highest top-knot, drag the longest tails, or exhibit
the greatest variety of combs, colours, and gew-gaws.
In the middle of the rout, when all was buzz,
slip-slop, clack, and perfume, who should enter but Tucky
Squash! The yellow beauties blushed blue, and the
black ones blushed as red as they could, with pleasure;
and there was a universal agitation of fans: every eye
brightened and whitened to see Tucky; for he was the
pride of the court, the pink of courtesy, the mirror of
fashion, the adoration of all the sable fair ones of Hayti.
Such breadth of nose, such exuberance of lip! his shins
had the true cucumber curve;—his face in dancing shone
like a kettle; and provided you kept to windward of him
in summer, I do not know a sweeter youth in all Hayti
than Tucky Squash. When he laughed, there appeared
from ear to ear a chevaux-de-frize of teeth, that rivalled
the shark's in whiteness; he could whistle like a north-wester;
play on a three-stringed fiddle like Apollo;
and, as to dancing, no Long-Island negro could shuffle
you “double-trouble,” or “hoe corn and dig potatoes,”
more scientifically: in short, he was a second Lothario.
And the dusky nymphs of Hayti, one, and all, declared
him a perpetual Adonis. Tucky walked about, whistling
to himself, without regarding any body; and his nonchalance
was irresistible.”

I found Will had got neck and heels into one of his
traveller's stories; and there is no knowing how far he
would have run his parallel between Billy Dimple and
Tucky Squash, had not the music struck up from an
adjoining apartment, and summoned the company to the
dance. The sound seemed to have an inspiring effect on
honest Will, and he procured the hand of an old acquaintance
for a country dance. It happened to be the fashionable
one of “The devil among the Tailors,” which is
so vociferously demanded at every ball and assembly: and
many a torn gown, and many an unfortunate toe, did rue
the dancing of that night; for Will thundered down the
dance like a coach and six, sometimes right and sometimes
wrong; now running over half a score of little Frenchmen,
and now making sad inroads into ladies' cobweb muslins
and spangled tails. As every part of Will's body partook

of the exertion, he shook from his capacious head
such volumes of powder, that like pious Eneas on the first
interview with Queen Dido, he might be said to have
been enveloped in a cloud. Nor was Will's partner an
insignificant figure in the scene; she was a young lady
of most voluminous proportions, that quivered at every
skip; and being braced up in the fashionable style with
whalebone, stay-tape and buckram, looked like an apple
pudding tied in the middle; or, taking her flaming dress
into consideration, like a bed and bolsters rolled up in a
suit of red curtains. The dance finished.—I would
gladly have taken Will off, but no;—he was now in one
of his happy moods, and there was no doing any thing
with him. He insisted on my introducing him to Miss
Sparkle, a young lady unrivalled for playful wit and innocent
vivacity, and who, like a brilliant, adds lustre to
the front of fashion. I accordingly presented him to her,
and began a conversation, in which, I thought, he might
take a share; but no such thing. Will took his stand before
her, straddling like a colossus, with his hands in his
pockets, and an air of the most profound attention; nor
did he pretend to open his lips for some time, until, upon
some lively sally of hers, he electrified the whole company
with a most intolerable burst of laughter. What was to
be done with such an incorrigible fellow?—To add to my
distress, the first word he spoke was to tell Miss Sparkle
that something she said reminded him of a circumstance
that happened to him in China;—and at it he went, in
the true traveller style,—described the Chinese mode of
eating rice with chop-sticks;—entered into a long eulogium
on the succulent qualities of boiled birds' nests: and
I made my escape at the very moment when he was on
the point of squatting down on the floor, to show how the
little Chinese Joshes sit cross-legged.