University of Virginia Library

DUTCH LEGISLATORS.

And now the infant settlement having advanced in age
and stature, it was thought high time it should receive an
honest Christian name, and it was accordingly called New-Amsterdam.
It is true there were some advocates for the
original Indian name, and many of the best writers of the
province did long continue to call it by the title of “The
Manhattoes,” but this was discountenanced by the authorities,
as being heathenish and savage. Besides, it was
considered an excellent and praiseworthy measure to
name it after a great city of the old world; as by that
means it was induced to emulate the greatness and renown
of its namesake—in the manner that little snivelling
urchins are called after great statesmen, saints, and worthies,
and renowned generals of yore, upon which they all
industriously copy their examples, and come to be very
mighty men in their day and generation.

The thriving state of the settlement and the rapid increase
of houses gradually awakened the good Oloffe
from a deep lethargy, into which he had fallen after the
building of the fort. He now began to think it was time
some plan should be devised on which the increasing
town should be built. Summoning, therefore, his counsellors
and coadjutors together, they took pipe in mouth,
and forthwith sunk into a very sound deliberation on the
subject.

At the very outset of the business an unexpected difference
of opinion arose, and I mention it with much sorrowing,
as being the first altercation on record in the
councils of New-Amsterdam. It was a breaking forth of
the grudge and heartburning that had existed between
those two eminent burghers, Mynheers Tenbroeck and
Hardenbroeck, ever since their unhappy altercation on
the coast of Bellevue. The great Hardenbroeck had
waxed very wealthy and powerful from his domains,
which embraced the whole chain of Apulean mountains
that stretch along the gulf of Kip's Bay, and from part of
which his descendants have been expelled in latter ages
by the powerful clans of the Joneses and the Schermerhornes.

An ingenious plan for the city was offered by Mynheer
Tenbroeck, who proposed that it should be cut up and
intersected by canals, after the manner of the most admired

cities in Holland. To this Mynheer Hardenbroeck
was diametrically opposed, suggesting in place thereof
that they should run out docks and wharfs by means of
piles, driven into the bottom of the river, on which the
town should be built. “By these means,” said he triumphantly,
“shall we rescue a considerable space of territory
from these immense rivers, and build a city that
shall rival Amsterdam, Venice, or any amphibious city
in Europe.” To this proposition Tenbroeck (or Ten
Breeches) replied, with a look of as much scorn as he
could possibly assume. He cast the utmost censure
upon the plan of his antagonist as being preposterous,
and against the very order of things, as he would leave to
every true Hollander. “For what,” said he, “is a town
without canals?—It is like a body without veins and arteries,
and must perish for want of a free circulation of the
vital fluid.” Tough Breeches, on the contrary, retorted
with a sarcasm upon his antagonist, who was somewhat of
an arid, dry boned habit; he remarked, that as to the circulation
of the blood being necessary to existence, Mynheer
Ten Breeches was a living contradiction to his own
assertion; for every body knew there had not a drop of
blood circulated through his wind-dried carcass for good
ten years, and yet there was not a greater busybody in the
whole colony. Personalities have seldom much effect in
making converts in argument; nor have I ever seen a man
convinced of error by being convicted of deformity. At
least, such was not the case at present. Ten Breeches
was very acrimonious in reply, and Tough Breeches, who
was a sturdy little man, and never gave up the last word,
rejoined with increasing spirit—Ten Breeches had the advantage
of the greatest volubility, but Tough Breeches
had that invaluable coat of mail in argument called obstinacy—Ten
Breeches had, therefore, the most metal, but
Tough Breeches the best bottom—so that though Ten
Breeches made a dreadful clattering about his ears, and
battered and belaboured him with hard words and sound
arguments; yet Tough Breeches hung on most resolutely
to the last. They parted, therefore, as is usual in all
arguments where both parties are in the right, without
coming to any conclusion; but they hated each other
most heartily for ever after, and a similar breach with
that between the houses of Capulet and Montague did
ensue between the families of Ten Breeches and Tough
Breeches.

I would not fatigue my reader with these dull matters
of fact, but that my duty as a faithful historian requires
that I should be particular; and, in truth, as I am now
treating of the critical period, when our city, like a young
twig first received the twists and turns, that have since
contributed to give it the present picturesque irregularity
for which it is celebrated, I cannot be too minute in detailing
their first causes.

After the unhappy altercation I have just mentioned, I
do not find that any thing further was said on the subject
worthy of being recorded. The council, consisting of the
largest and oldest heads in the community, met regularly
once a-week, to ponder on this monstrous subject; but
either they were deterred by the war of words they had
witnessed, or they were naturally averse to the exercise
of the tongue, and the consequent exercise of the brain
—certain it is, the most profound silence was maintained
—the question, as usual, lay on the table—the members
quietly smoked their pipes, making but few laws, without
ever enforcing any, and in the mean time the affairs of
the settlement went on—as it pleased God.

As most of the council were but little skilled in the
mystery of combining pothooks and hangers, they determined,
most judiciously, not to puzzle either themselves
or posterity with voluminous records. The secretary
however, kept the minutes of the council with tolerable
precision, in a large vellum folio, fastened with massy
brass clasps; the journal of each meeting consisted but of
two lines, stating in Dutch. that “the council sat this
day, and smoked twelve pipes on the affairs of the colony.”
By which it appears that the first settlers did not
regulate their time by hours, but pipes, in the same manner
as they measure distances in Holland at this very time;
an admirably exact measurement, as the pipe in the mouth
of a true born Dutchman is never liable to those accidents
and irregularities that are continually putting our clocks
out of order.

In this manner did the profound council of New-Amsterdam
smoke, and doze, and ponder, from week to
week, month to month, and year to year, in what manner
they should construct their infant settlement: meanwhile,
the town took care of itself, and like a sturdy brat
which is suffered to run about wild, unshackled by clouts
and bandages, and other abominations, by which your
notable nurses and sage old women cripple and disfigure

the children of men, increased so rapidly in strength and
magnitude, that before the honest burgomasters had determined
upon a plan, it was too late to put it in execution—whereupon
they wisely abandoned the subject altogether.