University of Virginia Library

LETTER
FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN,

Sweet, O Asem! is the memory of distant friends!
Like the mellow ray of a departing sun, it falls tenderly
yet sadly on the heart. Every hour of absence from my
native land rolls heavily by, like the sandy wave of the desert;
and the fair shores of my country rise blooming to
my imagination, clothed in the soft illusive charms of distance.
I sigh, yet no one listens to the sigh of the captive:
I shed the bitter tear of recollection, but no one sympathises
in the tear of the turbaned stranger!—Think not, however,
thou brother of my soul, that I complain of the horrors of
my situation; think not that my captivity is attended with
the labours, the chains, the scourges, the insults, that render
slavery, with us, more dreadful than the pangs of hesitating,
lingering death. Light, indeed, are the restraints
on the personal freedom of thy kinsman; but who can enter
into the afflictions of the mind? who can describe the agonies
of the heart? They are mutable as the clouds of the
air; they are countless as the waves that divide me from
my native country.

I have, of late, my dear Asem, laboured under an inconvenience
singularly unfortunate, and am reduced to a dilemma
most ridiculously embarrassing. Why should I
hide it from the companion of my thoughts, the partner of
my sorrows and my joys? Alas! Asem, thy friend Mustapha,
the invincible captain of a ketch, is sadly in want of
a pair of breeches! Thou wilt, doubtless smile, O most
grave Mussulman, to hear me indulge in such ardent lamentations
about a circumstance so trivial, and a want apparently
so easy to be satisfied: but little canst thou know
of the mortifications attending my necessities, and the astonishing
difficulty of supplying them. Honoured by the
smiles and attentions of the beautiful ladies of this city,
who have fallen in love with my whiskers and my turban;—
courted by the bashaws and the great men, who delight to
have me at their feasts; the honour of my company eagerly

solicited by every fiddler who gives a concert; think of my
chagrin at being obliged to decline the host of invitations
that daily overwhelm me, merely for want of a pair of
breeches! Oh, Allah! Allah! that thy disciples could
come into the world all be-feathered like a bantam, or with a
pair of leather breeches like the wild deer of the forest;
surely, my friend, it is the destiny of man to be for ever
subjected to petty evils, which, however trifling in appearance,
prey in silence on this little pittance of enjoyment,
and poison these moments of sunshine, which might
otherwise be consecrated to happiness.

The want of a garment, thou wilt say, is easily supplied;
and thou mayest suppose need only be mentioned,
to be remedied at once by any tailor of the land. Little
canst thou conceive the impediments which stand in the
way of my comfort, and still less art thou acquainted
with the prodigious great scale on which every thing is
transacted in this country. The nation moves most majestically
slow and clumsy in the most trivial affairs, like
the unwieldy elephant which makes a formidable difficulty
of picking up a straw! When I hinted my necessities
to the officer who has charge of myself and my companions,
I expected to have been forthwith relieved; but he
made an amazingly long face—told me that we were
prisoners of state—that we must therefore be clothed at
the expense of the government; that as no provision has
been made by the Congress for an emergency of the kind,
it was impossible to furnish me with a pair of breeches,
until all the sages of the nation had been convened to talk
over the matter, and debate upon the expediency of granting
my request. Sword of the immortal Khalid, thought
I, but this is great!—this is truly sublime! All the sages
in an immense logocracy assembled together to talk
about my breeches!—Vain mortal that I am! I cannot
but own I was somewhat reconciled to the delay which
must necessarily attend this method of clothing me, by
the consideration that if they made the affair a national
act, my “name must of course be embodied in history,”
and myself and my breeches flourish to immortality in the
annals of this mighty empire!

“But pray, sir,” said I, “how does it happen that a
matter so insignificant should be erected into an object of
such importance as to employ the representative wisdom
of the nation? and what is the cause of their talking so
much about a trifle!”—“Oh,” replied the officer, who

acts as our slave-driver; “it all proceeds from economy.
If the government did not spend ten times as much money
in debating whether it was proper to supply you with
breeches as the breeches themselves would cost, the people,
who govern the bashaw and his divan, would
straightway begin to complain of their liberties being infringed—the
national finances squandered—not a hostile
slang-whanger throughout the logocracy but would
burst forth like a barrel of combustion—and ten chances
to one but the bashaw and the sages of his divan would
all be turned out of office together. My good Mussulman,”
continued he, “the administration have the good
of the people too much at heart to trifle with their pockets;
and they would sooner assemble and talk away ten thousand
dollars than expend fifty silently out of the treasury
—such is the wonderful spirit of economy that pervades
every branch of this government.” “But,” said I, “how
is it possible they can spend money in talking: surely
words cannot be the current coin of this country?”—
“Truly,” cried he, smiling, “your question is pertinent
enough, for words indeed often supply the place of cash
among us, and many an honest debt is paid in promises;
but the fact is, the grand bashaw and the members of
Congress, or grand talkers of the nation, either receive a
yearly salary or are paid by the day.”—“By the nine
hundred tongues of the great beast in Mahomet's vision,
but the murder is out! it is no wonder these honest men
talk so much about nothing, when they are paid for
talking like day-labourers.” “You are mistaken,” said
my driver; “it is nothing but economy.”

I remained silent for some minutes, for this inexplicable
word economy always discomfits me;—and when
I flatter myself I have grasped it, it slips through my
fingers like a jack-o'lantern. I have not, nor perhaps
ever shall acquire, sufficient of the philosophic policy of
this government, to draw a proper distinction between an
individual and a nation. If a man was to throw away
a pound in order to save a beggarly penny, and boast at
the same time of his economy, I should think him on a
par with the fool in the fable of Alfangi; who, in skinning
a flint worth a farthing, spoiled a knife worth fifty
times the sum, and thought he had acted wisely. The
shrewd fellow would doubtless have valued himself much
more highly on his economy, could he have known that

his example would one day be followed by the bashaw
of America, and the sages of his divan.

This economic disposition, my friend, occasions much
fighting of the spirit, and innumerable contests of the
tongue in this talking assembly. Wouldst thou believe
it? they were actually employed for a whole week in a
most strenuous and eloquent debate about patching up a
hole in the wall in the room appropriated to their meetings!
A vast profusion of nervous argument and pompous
declamation was expended on this occasion. Some
of the orators, I am told, being rather waggishly inclined
were most stupidly jocular on the occasion; but their
waggery gave great offence, and was highly reprobated
by the more weighty part of the assembly; who hold all
wit and humour in abomination, and thought the business
in hand much too solemn and serious to be treated
lightly. It was supposed by some that this affair would
have occupied a whole winter, as it was a subject upon
which several gentlemen spoke who had never been
known to open their lips in that place except to say yes
and no.—These silent members are by way of distinction
denominated orator mums, and are highly valued in this
country on account of their great talents for silence;—
a qualification extremely rare in a logocracy.

Fortunately for the public tranquility, in the hottest
part of the debate, when two rampant Virginians, brim
full of logic and philosophy, were measuring tongues,
and syllogistically cudgelling each other out of their unreasonable
notions, the president of the divan, a knowing
old gentleman, one night slyly sent a mason with a hod
of mortar, who in the course of a few minutes closed up
the hole, and put a final end to the argument. Thus
did this wise old gentleman, by hitting on a most simple
expedient, in all probability, save his country as much
money as would build a gun-boat, or pay a hireling slang-whanger
for a whole volume of words. As it happened,
only a few thousand dollars were expended in paying
these men, who are denominated, I suppose in derision,
legislators.

Another instance of their economy I relate with pleasure,
for I really begin to feel a regard for these poor
barbarians. They talked away the best parts of a whole
winter before they could determine not to expend a few
dollars in purchasing a sword to bestow on an illustrious
warrior: yes, Asem, on that very hero who frightened
all our poor old women and young children at

Derne, and fully proved himself a greater man than the
mother that bore him.[1] Thus, my friend, is the whole
collective wisdom of this mighty logocracy employed in
somniferous debates about the most trivial affairs; as I
have sometimes seen a Herculean mountebank exerting
all his energies in balancing a straw upon his nose.
Their sages behold the minutest object with the microscopic
eyes of a pismire; mole-hills swell into mountains,
and a grain of mustard-seed will set the whole ant-hill
in a hubbub. Whether this indicates a capacious vision,
or a diminutive mind, I leave thee to decide; for my
part I consider it as another proof of the great scale on
which every thing is transacted in their country.

I have before told thee that nothing can be done without
consulting the sages of the nation, who compose the
assembly called the Congress. This prolific body may
not improperly be called the “mother of inventions;” and
a most fruitful mother it is, let me tell thee, though its
children are generally abortions. It has lately laboured
with what was deemed the conception of a mighty navy.—
All the old women and the good wives that assist the
bashaw in his emergencies hurried to head-quarters to be
busy, like midwives, at the delivery.—All was anxiety,
fidgeting, and consultation; when after a deal of groaning
and struggling, instead of formidable first-rates and
gallant frigates, out crept a litter of sorry little gun-boats.
These are most pitiful little vessels, partaking vastly of
the character of the grand bashaw, who has the credit
of begetting them; being flat shallow vessels that can only
sail before the wind;—must always keep in with the
land;—are continually foundering or running on shore;
and in short, are only fit for smooth water. Though intended
for the defence of the maritime cities, yet the cities
are obliged to defend them; and they require as much
nursing as so many rickety little bantlings. They are,
however, the darling pets of the grand bashaw, being the
children of his dotage, and, perhaps from their diminutive
size and palpable weakness, are called the “infant
navy of America.” The art that brought them into existence
was almost deified by the majority of the people
as a grand stroke of economy.—By the beard of Mahomet,
but this word is truly inexplicable!

To this economic body therefore was I advised to address
my petition, and humbly to pray that the august

assembly of sages would, in the plenitude of their wisdom
and the magnitude of their powers, munificently bestow
on an unfortunate captive a pair of cotton breeches!
“Head of the immortal Amrou,” cried I, “but this
would be presumptuous to a degree:—What! after these
worthies have thought proper to leave their country naked
and defenceless, and exposed to all the political storms
that rattle without, can I expect that they will lend a
helping hand to comfort the extremities of a solitary captive?”
My exclamation was only answered by a smile,
and I was consoled by the assurance that, so far from
being neglected, it was every way probable my breeches
might occupy a whole session of the divan, and set several
of the longest heads together by the ears. Flattering as
was the idea of a whole nation being agitated about my
breeches, yet I own I was somewhat dismayed at the idea
of remaining in querpo, until all the national gray-beards
should have made a speech on the occasion, and given
their consent to the measure. The embarrassment and
distress of mind which I experienced were visible in my
countenance, and my guard, who is a man of infinite
good-nature, immediately suggested, as a more expeditious
plan of supplying my wants, a benefit at the theatre.
Though profoundly ignorant of his meaning, I agreed to
his proposition, the result of which I shall disclose to thee
in another letter.

Fare thee well, dear Asem; in thy pious prayers to
our great prophet, never forget to solicit thy friend's return;
and when thou numberest up the many blessings
bestowed on thee by all-bountiful Allah, pour forth thy
gratitude that he has cast thy nativity in a land where
there is no assembly of legislative chatterers;—no great
bashaw, who bestrides a gun-boat for a hobby-horse;—
where the word economy is unknown;—and where an
unfortunate captive is not obliged to call upon the whole
nation to cut him out a pair of breeches.