University of Virginia Library

"I do not think you know that when your father left West
Point he was almost a professed infidel; but that stage of his
character did not last long, for the religious influences of home
soon brought him under their sway, and that, added to a severe
attack of illness, caused him to reflect seriously, brought him to
repentance, and in a short time, by the grace of God, he professed
conversion, and entered on that newness of life from which he
never swerved. I must tell you of the blissful happiness my
dear mother experienced when she got your father's letter (he
was then stationed at the arsenal at Augusta, Georgia) telling
her he had made up his mind to become 'a soldier of the Cross'
and to study for the ministry. She could not restrain her emotions,
but broke out with the glad cry, 'Glory be to Thee, O
Lord!'"

". . . Let me first tell you what I have been doing since my
arrival in Charleston. About twelve yesterday I landed safe and
sound in body and mind, save a desperate sickness of the heart,
the cause of which, if you are as cunning as I take you to be,
you may guess right shrewdly. Soon as I had deposited my
trunk in safe-keeping, I jumped into a row-boat and hurried
down to Sullivan's Island and reported to the commanding
officer, Major—. He was remarkably kind and attentive,
and pressed me to take dinner with him, which I did. His may
give you a specimen, though too favorable a one, of the life of an
officer with a family. The room I was conducted to was a handsome
apartment, comfortably arranged. This was the dining- and
sitting-room, the only one I saw. But he has one or two others,
all comfortable. The table was plentifully yet frugally spread,
and I cannot say when I have been more taken with the appearance
of comfort and contentment than in this small domestic
circle. The gentleman is somewhat advanced in life, his wife is
young, and they have one little boy. . . . This is one side of the
picture, and lest you should be led into error, I must show the

other also. This officer is confined to the command of a small
garrison,—he has but little to do, and is liable to be removed,
with his family, to some other command. Not being busily employed,
he wants excitement and amusement, and consequently
must have his wine and his whist-parties. And in such cases his
wife is alone, while he prefers company; for she can have in most
garrisons, and has in this, scarcely any congenial society. . . .
After sitting till late over the wine, I was asked to walk on the
beach; returned and took tea with a brother lieutenant, an old
acquaintance, who is keeping bachelor's hall. We then had to
meet again at the major's whist-party, where there were, luckily,
enough without me, so I begged to be excused; but had to nod
by the table while they played,—charming occupation! About
twelve they kindly gave me a bed, where in eight hours I made up
for the loss of four nights' sleep. The colonel of my regiment
has not yet arrived, and the major commanding has given me a
room in which my body may reside until the colonel comes. I
say body, because I brought little else from Virginia."

"I should have written to you again before this, but for the
last ten days I have experienced a sharp attack of fever, which
confined me to bed for that time. Travelling through the swamps
of Carolina did prove, as you apprehended, dangerous, and it is
another proof of the Divine mercy to me that my sickness has
not been more severe. I was taken with a violent ague, succeeded
by a burning fever. One of the officers who called to see
me, believing my sickness more serious than I imagined, sent
for a physician. The doctor, happily for me, understood his
business (that is, giving physic), and dosed me at the rate of once
every two hours for six days, and this I am persuaded, through
the blessing of God, saved me from the most violent bilious
fever, or, as the doctor told me, from yellow fever, as when he
first saw me he thought I was in for that alarming disease. . . .
Being alone for the greater part of the time, you may imagine that
it went rather hard with me; but the officers were very kind to
me, and the ladies would send some little delicacies now and
then,—all which attentions tended to alleviate my sickness; at
least, they called forth my gratitude, and aided my poor stock of

patience. My colonel has given me orders for Augusta, Georgia,
to repair thither by the last of the month. In the mean time I
await some letters from New York to decide my destination."

". . . Do what I will, I cannot overcome the oppression of
heart and depression of spirits under which I have been laboring;
and the circumstances in which I am placed, the company in which
I am sometimes thrown, tend rather to increase my melancholy.

"Can you believe it? the wish has more than once occurred to
me that I were prepared and might dare to join the Christian
Church of which you are a member, and might turn whatever
abilities God has given me to the highest use of which they are
capable in studying and proclaiming the holy truths of Christianity.
The more I reflect upon it the more I am convinced that
such a life of useful tendency would contribute more to my own
peace of mind than any other could. Indeed, I do at times feel
that I ought to devote myself to this life, and that I shall be
happy in no other. . . . I have hinted this aspiration of mine to
more besides yourself. It is, indeed, an awful subject on which I
must decide, and I must get the best advice and use my best
judgment in the decision. . . .

"The situation where I now am is a very comfortable and in
some respects a very desirable one. I am pretty much alone,
and there is a valuable library at my disposal; it has, however,
few religious books, which I wish for particularly at present.
There is one thing I ought to mention, that hereafter you may
not think me inconsistent. Regular balls are given in Augusta,
and the officers at this place have been constantly invited, but
owing to circumstances have never attended. At this the citizens
seem mortified, and the commanding officer of the post has requested
me to attend some of them for the purpose of conciliating
them,—the citizens. I disapprove of balls, but under these circumstances
I am doubtful whether I ought not to go."

". . . I fear I have led you into a great error. You seem to
think that I have undergone a great change since you saw me.
When I look into myself for the change you speak of, I find
there a state far different from that you have imagined. I feel
that I have undergone no sudden operation of the Holy Spirit; I
feel that I am still liable to the charge of an unstable faith, that
I am still under the dominion of sin and worldly thoughts, and
that my heart, though sincerely turned towards the great and
good God, and endeavoring to yield itself in gratitude and love
to Him, is still unchanged. All that I can in strict truth say is
that, in obedience to the instructions of the Gospel, I feel bound
to change the habits of my life, and this I can only do in a
measure; that is, I find evil thoughts will enter my mind and
render that act which might appear good frequently wicked, as
being a species of hypocrisy. And does not this prove that a
change of heart has not been wrought in me? I find it hard to
express myself in the precise way in which I would have you
understand me; I feel on the subject of religion precisely as I
did when I last wrote to you.

"Indeed, I must confess that I am very doubtful about the
strict application of the term change of heart, and though it is
with great humility that I would venture to state my belief on
this subject, I feel that I should do it that you may not mistake
me. Briefly, then, it is, that when human beings are convinced
by whatever means that our Saviour was from God, and believe
in the holy doctrine which He taught, in the holy precepts which

He gave us as the revelation of God and the only means of
securing the rewards and avoiding the punishments of the eternity
to come, and endeavor, as far as in them lies, to govern their
lives by those precepts,—then I conceive that, according to the
meaning of our Saviour, they are regenerated, and only in this
sense have I any hope. . . . I will gladly follow your suggestion
as to the study of the Greek, though it will be long ere I
can be a critical master of it. . . . You wish to know the various
occupations which engage my time. The first thing in the morning
is to rise from my pallet, then to dress, then to make my fire.
The time before breakfast is spent with my prayer-book and Bible.
After breakfast whatever duties I have to perform are attended
to. These are very slight at present. Three hours are then
devoted to Latin and Greek, and this generally brings me to
dinner. After dinner my time is devoted to reading history, and
such other matter as appears interesting and instructive. After
supper I generally stay and converse with the little family with
whom I board until half-past eight or nine o'clock; I then return to
my room again and read as systematically as is agreeable, always
concluding the day with my Bible and prayers and indulging my
fancy with a picture of some good folks in Hanover. All this
looks very well on paper, but I am not excessively regular. Sometimes
a fine, glorious morning will allure me some miles into the
desert, pine forests, where the solemn silence of nature makes me
feel wondrous sad and sentimental, and often gives rise to emotions
more rational and beneficial. Sometimes I am required by courtesy
to pay a visit in the morning or evening; sometimes to be in
society all the evening, and various other interruptions occur. . ."

". . . Sometimes I am so tossed about on the sea of doubt
and error that I am almost compelled to believe that the devil
has immediate hold on me. At times I have had a kind of despair
lest I should be given over to the dominion of doubt and
sin, at others I have looked darkly on the fair face of nature, and
turned, not in love, from the contemplation of the Deity. And
always when I remember my precarious state I am seized with
dread. I feel much more composed to-night, in consequence, I

believe, of reading some of Cowper's admirable strains. I hardly
hope for a sudden conversion, but that God will one day give
me a fuller and a surer faith."