 | Mark Twain's sketches, new and old |  |
1. Part First.
HOW THE ANIMALS OF THE WOOD SENT OUT A
SCIENTIFIC EXPEDITION.
ONCE the creatures of the forest held a great
convention and appointed a commission
consisting of the most illustrious scientists
among them to go forth, clear beyond the forest
and out into the unknown and unexplored world,
to verify the truth of the matters already taught in
their schools and colleges and also to make discoveries. It was the most imposing
enterprise of the kind the nation had ever embarked in. True, the government
passage through the swamp to the right-hand corner of the wood, and had since
sent out many expeditions to hunt for Dr. Bull Frog; but they never could find
him, and so government finally gave him up and ennobled his mother to show
its gratitude for the services her son had rendered to science. And once government
sent Sir Grass Hopper to hunt for the sources of the rill that emptied into the
swamp; and afterwards sent out many expeditions to hunt for Sir Grass; and at
last they were successful—they found his body, but if he had discovered the sources
meantime, he did not let on. So government acted handsomely by deceased, and
many envied his funeral.
But these expeditions were trifles compared with the present one; for this one
comprised among its servants the very greatest among the learned; and besides it
was to go to the utterly unvisited regions believed to lie beyond the mighty forest
—as we have remarked before. How the members were banqueted, and glorified,
and talked about! Everywhere that one of them showed himself, straightway
there was a crowd to gape and stare at him.
Finally they set off, and it was a sight to see the long procession of dry-land
Tortoises heavily laden with savans, scientific instruments, Glow-Worms and Fire-Flies
for signal-service, provisions, Ants and Tumble-Bugs to fetch and carry and
delve, Spiders to carry the surveying chain and do other engineering duty, and so
forth and so on; and after the Tortoises came another long train of iron-clads—
stately and spacious Mud Turtles for marine transportation service; and from every
Tortoise and every Turtle flaunted a flaming gladiolus or other splendid banner;
at the head of the column a great band of Bumble-Bees, Mosquitoes, Katy-Dids
and Crickets discoursed martial music; and the entire train was under the escort
and protection of twelve picked regiments of the Army Worm.
At the end of three weeks the expedition emerged from the forest and looked
upon the great Unknown World. Their eyes were greeted with an impressive
spectacle. A vast level plain stretched before them, watered by a sinuous stream;
and beyond, there towered up against the sky a long and lofty barrier of some kind,
they did not know what. The Tumble-Bug said he believed it was simply land
tilted up on its edge, because he knew he could see trees on it. But Prof. Snail
and the others said:
“You are hired to dig, sir—that is all. We need your muscle, not your brains.
When we want your opinion on scientific matters, we will hasten to let you know.
Your coolness, is intolerable, too—loafing about here meddling with august matters
of learning, when the other laborers are pitching camp. Go along and help handle
the baggage.”
The Tumble-Bug turned on his heel uncrushed, unabashed, observing to himself,
“If it isn't land tilted up, let me die the death of the unrighteous.”
Professor Bull Frog, (nephew of the late explorer,) said he believed the ridge
was the wall that enclosed the earth. He continued:
“Our fathers have left us much learning, but they had not traveled far, and so
we may count this a noble new discovery. We are safe for renown, now, even
though our labors began and ended with this single achievement. I wonder what
this wall is built of? Can it be fungus? Fungus is an honorable good thing to
build a wall of.”
Professor Snail adjusted his field-glass and examined the rampart critically.
Finally he said:
“The fact that it is not diaphanous, convinces me that it is a dense vapor formed
by the calorification of ascending moisture dephlogisticated by refraction. A few
endiometrical experiments would confirm this, but it is not necessary.—The thing
is obvious.”
So he shut up his glass and went into his shell to make a note of the discovery
of the world's end, and the nature of it.
“Profound mind!” said Professor Angle-Worm to Professor Field-Mouse; “profound
mind! nothing can long remain a mystery to that august brain.”
Night drew on apace, the sentinel crickets were posted, the Glow Worm and
Fire-Fly lamps were lighted, and the camp sank to silence and sleep. After
breakfast in the morning, the expedition moved on. About noon a great avenue
was reached, which had in it two endless parallel bars of some kind of hard black
substance, raised the height of the tallest Bull Frog above the general level. The
scientists climbed up on these and examined and tested them in various ways.
They walked along them for a great distance, but found no end and no break in
them. They could arrive at no decision. There was nothing in the records of
geographer, Professor Mud Turtle, a person who, born poor, and of a drudging low
family, had, by his own native force raised himself to the headship of the geographers
of his generation, said:
“My friends, we have indeed made a discovery here. We have found in a palpable,
compact and imperishable
state what the wisest of our
fathers always regarded as a
mere thing of the imagination.
Humble yourselves, my
friends, for we stand in a majestic
presence. These are parallels
of latitude!” Every heart
and every head was bowed, so
awful, so sublime was the magnitude
of the discovery. Many
shed tears. The camp was
pitched and the rest of the day
given up to writing voluminous
accounts of the marvel, and correcting
astronomical tables to
fit it. Toward midnight a demoniacal
shriek was heard, then
a clattering and rumbling noise,
and the next instant a vast terrific eye shot by, with a long tail attached, and disappeared
in the gloom, still uttering triumphant shrieks.
The poor camp laborers were stricken to the heart with fright, and stampeded
for the high grass in a body. But not the scientists. They had no superstitions.
They calmly proceeded to exchange theories. The ancient geographer's opinion
was asked. He went into his shell and deliberated long and profoundly. When
he came out at last, they all knew by his worshiping countenance that he brought
light. Said he:
“Give thanks for this stupendous thing which we have been permitted to witness.
—It is the Vernal Equinox!”
There were shoutings and great rejoicings.
“But,” said the Angle-worm, uncoiling after reflection, “this is dead summer
time.”
“Very well,” said the Turtle, “we are far from our region; the season differs
with the difference of time between the two points.”
“Ah, true. True enough. But it is night. How should the sun pass in the
night?”
“In these distant regions he doubtless passes always in the night at this hour.”
“Yes, doubtless that is true. But it being night, how is it that we could see
him?”
“It is a great mystery. I grant that. But I am persuaded that the humidity of
the atmosphere in these remote regions is such that particles of daylight adhere to
the disk and it was by aid of these that we were enabled to see the sun in the dark.”
This was deemed satisfactory, and due entry was made of the decision.
But about this moment those dreadful shriekings were heard again; again the
rumbling and thundering came speeding up out of the night; and once more a
flaming great eye flashed by and lost itself in gloom and distance.
The camp laborers gave themselves up for lost. The savants were sorely perplexed.
Here was a marvel hard to account for. They thought and they talked,
they talked and they thought.—Finally the learned and aged Lord Grand-Daddy-Longlegs,
who had been sitting, in deep study, with his slender limbs crossed and
his stemmy arms folded, said:
“Deliver your opinions, brethren, and then I will tell my thought—for I think
I have solved this problem.”
“So be it, good your lordship,” piped the weak treble of the wrinkled and
withered Professor Woodlouse, “for we shall hear from your lordship's lips naught
but wisdom.”—[Here the speaker threw in a mess of trite, threadbare, exasperating
quotations from the ancient poets and philosophers, delivering them with unction
in the sounding grandeurs of the original tongues, they being from the Mastodon,
the Dodo, and other dead languages]. “Perhaps I ought not to presume to meddle
made it the business of my life to delve only among the riches of the extinct
languages and unearth the opulence of their ancient lore; but still, as unacquainted
as I am with the noble science of astronomy, I beg with deference and humility
to suggest that inasmuch as the last of these wonderful apparitions proceeded in
exactly the opposite direction from that pursued by the first, which you decide to
be the Vernal Equinox, and greatly resembled it in all particulars, is it not possible,
nay certain, that this last is the Autumnal Equi—”
“O-o-o!” “O-o-o! go to bed! go to bed!” with annoyed derision from everybody.
So the poor old Woodlouse retreated out of sight, consumed with shame.
Further discussion followed, and then the united voice of the commission begged
Lord Longlegs to speak. He said:
“Fellow-scientists, it is my belief that we have witnessed a thing which has
occurred in perfection but once before in the knowledge of created beings. It is a
phenomenon of inconceivable importance and interest, view it as one may, but its
interest to us is vastly heightened by an added knowledge of its nature which no
scholar has heretofore possessed or even suspected. This great marvel which we
have just witnessed, fellow-savants, (it almost takes my breath away!) is nothing
less than the transit of Venus!”
Every scholar sprang to his feet pale with astonishment. Then ensued tears,
hand-shakings, frenzied embraces, and the most extravagant jubilations of every
sort. But by and by, as emotion began to retire within bounds, and reflection to
return to the front, the accomplished Chief Inspector Lizard observed:
“But how is this?— Venus should traverse the sun's surface, not the earth's.”
The arrow went home. It carried sorrow to the breast of every apostle of
learning there, for none could deny that this was a formidable criticism. But
tranquilly the venerable Duke crossed him limbs behind his ears and said:
“My friend has touched the marrow of our mighty discovery. Yes—all that
have lived before us thought a transit of Venus consisted of a flight across the sun's
face; they thought it, they maintained it, they honestly believed it, simple hearts,
and were justified in it by the limitations of their knowledge; but to us has been
granted the inestimable boon of proving that the transit occurs across the earth's
face, for we have SEEN it!”
The assembled wisdom sat in speechless adoration of this imperial intellect. All
doubts had instantly departed, like night before the lightning.
The Tumble-Bug had just intruded, unnoticed. He now came reeling forward
among the scholars, familiarly slapping first one and then another on the shoulder,
saying “Nice ('ic!) nice old boy!” and smiling a smile of elaborate content.
Arrived at a good position for speaking, he put his left arm akimbo with his knuckles
planted in his hip just under the edge of his cut-away coat, bent his right leg,
placing his toe on the ground and resting his heel with easy grace against his left
shin, puffed out his aldermanic stomach, opened his lips, leaned his right elbow
on Inspector Lizard's shoulder, and—
But the shoulder was indignantly withdrawn and the hard-handed son of toil
went to earth. He floundered a bit but came up smiling, arranged his attitude
with the same careful detail as before, only choosing Professor Dogtick's shoulder
for a support, opened his lips and—
Went to earth again. He presently scrambled up once more, still smiling, made
a loose effort to brush the dust off his coat and legs, but a smart pass of his hand
missed entirely and the force of the unchecked impulse slewed him suddenly
around, twisted his legs together, and projected him, limber and sprawling, into the
lap of the Lord Longlegs. Two or three scholars sprang forward, flung the
low creature head over heels into a corner and reinstated the patrician, smoothing
his ruffled dignity with many soothing and regretful speeches. Professor Bull Frog
roared out:
“No more of this, sirrah Tumble-Bug! Say your say and then get you about
your business with speed!—Quick—what is your errand? Come—move off a
trifle; you smell like a stable; what have you been at?”
“Please ('ic!) please your worship I chanced to light upon a find. But no
m (e-uck!) matter 'bout that. There's b ('ic!) been another find which— —beg
pardon, your honors, what was that th ('ic!) thing that ripped by here first?”
“It was the Vernal Equinox.”
“Inf ('ic!) fernal equinox. 'At's all right.—D ('ic!) Dunno him. What's other
one?”
“The transit of Venus.”
“G ('ic!) Got me again. No matter. Las' one dropped something.”
“Ah, indeed! Good luck! Good news! Quick—what is it?”
“M ('ic!) Mosey out `n' see. It'll pay.”
No more votes were taken for four and twenty hours. Then the following entry
was made: “The commission
went in a body to view the
find. It was found to consist
of a hard, smooth, huge object with
a rounded summit surmounted
by a short upright projection resembling
a section of a cabbage
stalk divided transversely
—This projection was not
solid, but was a hollow cylinder
plugged with a soft woody substance
unknown to our region—
that is, it had been so plugged,
but unfortunately this obstruction
had been heedlessly removed by
Norway Rat, Chief of the Sappers
and Miners, before our arrival.
The vast object before us, so
mysteriously conveyed from the glittering domains of space, was found to be hollow
and nearly filled with a pungent liquid of a brownish hue, like rain-water that has
stood for some time. And such a spectacle as met our view! Norway Rat was
perched upon the summit engaged in thrusting his tail into the cylindrical projection,
drawing it out dripping, permitting the struggling multitude of laborers to
suck the end of it, then straightway reinserting it and delivering the fluid to the
mob as before. Evidently this liquor had strangely potent qualities; for all that
partook of it were immediately exalted with great and pleasurable emotions, and
went staggering about singing ribald songs, embracing, fighting, dancing, discharging
irruptions of profanity, and defying all authority. Around us struggled a massed
army, down to the very sentinels, were mad like the rest, by reason of the drink.
We were seized upon by these reckless creatures, and within the hour we, even we,
were undistinguishable from the rest—the demoralization was complete and
universal. In time the camp wore itself out with its orgies and sank into a stolid
and pitiable stupor, in whose mysterious bonds rank was forgotten and strange
bed-fellows made, our eyes, at the resurrection, being blasted and our souls petrified
with the incredible spectacle of that intolerable stinking scavenger, the Tumble-Bug,
and the illustrious patrician my lord Grand Daddy, Duke of Longlegs, lying
soundly steeped in sleep, and clasped lovingly in each other's arms, the like
whereof hath not been seen in all the ages that tradition compasseth, and doubtless
none shall ever in this world find faith to master the belief of it save only we that
have beheld the damnable and unholy vision. Thus inscrutable be the ways of
God, whose will be done!
“This day, by order, did the Engineer-in-Chief, Herr Spider, rig the necessary
tackle for the overturning of the vast reservoir, and so its calamitous contents were
discharged in a torrent upon the thirsty earth, which drank it up and now there is
no more danger, we reserving but a few drops for experiment and scrutiny, and to
exhibit to the king and subsequently preserve among the wonders of the museum.
What this liquid is, has been determined. It is without question that fierce and
most destructive fluid called lightning. It was wrested, in its container, from its
store-house in the clouds, by the resistless might of the flying planet, and hurled at
our feet as she sped by. An interesting discovery here results. Which is, that
lightning, kept to itself, is quiescent; it is the assaulting contact of the thunderbolt
that releases it from captivity, ignites its awful fires and so produces an instantaneous
combustion and explosion which spread disaster and desolation far and wide in
the earth.”
After another day devoted to rest and recovery, the expedition proceeded upon
its way. Some days later it went into camp in a pleasant part of the plain, and the
savants sallied forth to see what they might find. Their reward was at hand.
Professor Bull Frog discovered a strange tree, and called his comrades. They
inspected it with profound interest.—It was very tall and straight, and wholly
altitude; Herr Spider measured its circumference at the base and computed the
circumference at its top by a mathematical demonstration based upon the warrant
furnished by the uniform degree of its taper upward. It was considered a very
extraordinary find; and since it was a tree of a hitherto unknown species, Professor
Woodlouse gave it a name of a learned sound, being none other than that of Professor
Bull Frog translated into the ancient Mastodon language, for it had always
been the custom with discoverers
to perpetuate their names
and honor themselves by this
sort of connection with their
discoveries. Now, Professor
Field-Mouse having placed
his sensitive ear to the tree, detected
a rich, harmonious
sound issuing from it. This
surprising thing was tested and
enjoyed by each scholar in turn
and great was the gladness
and astonishment of all. Professor
Woodlouse was requested
to add to and extend
the tree's name so as to make
it suggest the musical quality
it possessed— which he did,
furnishing the addition Anthem Singer, done into the Mastodon tongue.
By this time Professor Snail was making some telescopic inspections. He discovered
a great number of these trees, extending in a single rank, with wide intervals
between, as far as his instrument would carry, both southward and northward.
He also presently discovered that all these trees were bound together, near their
tops, by fourteen great ropes, one above another, which ropes were continuous,
from tree to tree, as far as his vision could reach. This was surprising. Chief
hung there by some colossal member of his own species, for he could see its prey
dangling here and there from the strands, in the shape of mighty shreds and rags
that had a woven look about their texture and were no doubt the discarded skins
of prodigious insects which had been caught and eaten. And then he ran along
one of the ropes to make a closer inspection, but felt a smart sudden burn on the
soles of his feet, accompanied by a paralyzing shock, wherefore he let go and swung
himself to the earth by a thread of his own spinning, and advised all to hurry at
once to camp, lest the monster should appear and get as much interested in the
savants as they were in him and his works. So they departed with speed, making
notes about the gigantic web as they went. And that evening the naturalist of the
expedition built a beautiful model of the colossal spider, having no need to see it
in order to do this, because he had picked up a fragment of its vertebræ by the
tree, and so knew exactly what the creature looked like and what its habits and its
preferences were, by this simple evidence alone. He built it with a tail, teeth,
fourteen legs and a snout, and said it ate grass, cattle, pebbles and dirt with equal
enthusiasm. This animal was regarded as a very precious addition to science. It
was hoped a dead one might be found, to stuff. Professor Woodlouse thought that
he and his brother scholars, by lying hid and being quiet, might maybe catch a live
one. He was advised to try it. Which was all the attention that was paid to his
suggestion. The conference ended with the naming the monster after the naturalist,
since he, after God, had created it.
“And improved it, mayhap,” muttered the Tumble-Bug, who was intruding
again, according to his idle custom and his unappeasable curiosity.
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