University of Virginia Library

A CURIOUS PLEASURE
EXCURSION.[1]

ADVERTISEMENT.

THIS is to inform the public
that in connection with Mr.
Barnum I have leased the
comet for a term of years; and I
desire also to solicit the public patronage
in favor of a beneficial enterprise
which we have in view.

We propose to fit up comfortable, and even luxurious, accommodations in the

comet for as many persons as will honor us with their patronage, and make an
extended excursion among the heavenly bodies. We shall prepare 1,000,000 state
rooms in the tail of the comet (with hot and cold water, gas, looking glass,
parachute, umbrella, etc., in each), and shall construct more if we meet with a
sufficiently generous encouragement. We shall have billiard rooms, card rooms,
music rooms, bowling alleys and many spacious theatres and free libraries; and on
the main deck we propose to have a driving park, with upwards of 10,000 miles of
roadway in it. We shall publish daily newspapers also.

DEPARTURE OF THE COMET.

The comet will leave New York at ten P. M. on the 20th inst., and therefore it
will be desirable that the passengers be on board by eight at the latest, to avoid
confusion in getting under way. It is not known whether passports will be necessary
or not, but it is deemed best that passengers provide them, and so guard against
all contingencies. No dogs will be allowed on board. This rule has been made
in deference to the existing state of feeling regarding these animals and will be
strictly adhered to. The safety of the passengers will in all ways be jealously
looked to. A substantial iron railing will be put up all around the comet, and no
one will be allowed to go to the edge and look over unless accompanied by either
my partner or myself.

THE POSTAL SERVICE

will be of the completest character. Of course the telegraph, and the telegraph
only, will be employed, consequently, friends occupying state-rooms, 20,000,000
and even 30,000,000 miles apart, will be able to send a message and receive a reply
inside of eleven days. Night messages will be half rate. The whole of this vast
postal system will be under the personal superintendence of Mr. Hale, of Maine.
Meals served at all hours. Meals served in staterooms charged extra.

Hostility is not apprehended from any great planet, but we have thought it best
to err on the safe side, and therefore have provided a proper number of mortars,
siege guns and boarding pikes. History shows that small, isolated communities,
such as the people of remote islands, are prone to be hostile to strangers, and so
the same may be the case with

THE INHABITANTS OF STARS

of the tenth of twentieth magnitude. We shall in no case wantonly offend the

people of any star, but shall treat all alike with urbanity and kindliness, never
conducting ourselves toward an asteroid after a fashion which we could not venture
to assume toward Jupiter or Saturn. I repeat that we shall not wantonly offend
any star; but at the same time we shall promptly resent any injury that may be
done us, or any insolence offered us, by parties or governments residing in any star
in the firmament. Although averse to the shedding of blood, we shall still hold
this course rigidly and fearlessly, not only toward single stars, but toward constellations.
We shall hope to leave a good impression of America behind us in every
nation we visit, from Venus to Uranus. And, at all events, if we cannot inspire
love we shall, at least, compel respect for our country wherever we go. We shall
take with us, free of charge,

A GREAT FORCE OF MISSIONARIES,

and shed the true light upon all the celestial orbs which, physically aglow, are yet
morally in darkness. Sunday-schools will be established wherever practicable.
Compulsory education will also be introduced.

The comet will visit Mars first, and then proceed to Mercury, Jupiter, Venus and
Saturn. Parties connected with the government of the District of Columbia and
with the former city government of New York, who may desire to inspect the rings,
will be allowed time and every facility. Every star of prominent magnitude will
be visited, and time allowed for excursions to points of interest inland.

THE DOG STAR

has been stricken from the programme. Much time will be spent in the Great
Bear, and, indeed, of every constellation of importance. So, also, with the Sun
and Moon and the Milky Way, otherwise the Gulf Stream of the skies. Clothing
suitable for wear in the sun should be provided. Our programme has been so
arranged that we shall seldom go more than 100,000,000 of miles at a time without
stopping at some star. This will necessarily make the stoppages frequent and
preserve the interest of the tourist. Baggage checked through to any point on the
route. Parties desiring to make only a part of the proposed tour, and thus save
expense, may stop over at any star they choose and wait for the return voyage.

After visiting all the most celebrated stars and constellations in our system
and personally inspecting the remotest sparks that even the most powerful

telescope can now detect in the firmament, we shall proceed with good heart upon

A STUPENDOUS VOYAGE

of discovery among the countless whirling worlds that make turmoil in the mighty
wastes of space that stretch their solemn solitudes, their unimaginable vastness
billions upon billions of miles away beyond the farthest verge of telescopic vision,
till by comparison the little sparkling vault we used to gaze at on Earth shall seem
like a remembered phosphorescent flash of spangles which some tropical voyager's
prow stirred into life for a single instant, and which ten thousand miles of phosphorescent
seas and tedious lapse of time had since diminished to an incident
utterly trivial in his recollection. Children occupying seats at the first table will
be charged full fare.

FIRST CLASS FARE

from the Earth to Uranus, including visits to the Sun and Moon and all the principal
planets on the route, will be charged at the low rate of $2 for every 50,000,000
miles of actual travel. A great reduction will be made where parties wish to make
the round trip. This comet is new and in thorough repair and is now on her first
voyage. She is confessedly the fastest on the line. She makes 20,000,000 miles a
day, with her present facilities; but, with a picked American crew and good weather,
we are confident we can get 40,000,000 out of her. Still, we shall never push
her to a dangerous speed, and we shall rigidly prohibit racing with other comets.
Passengers desiring to diverge at any point or return will be transferred to other
comets. We make close connections at all principal points with all reliable lines.
Safety can be depended upon. It is not to be denied that the heavens are infested
with

OLD RAMSHACKLE COMETS

that have not been inspected or overhauled in 10,000 years, and which ought long
ago to have been destroyed or turned into hail barges, but with these we have no
connection whatever. Steerage passengers not allowed abaft the main hatch.

Complimentary round trip tickets have been tendered to General Butler, Mr.
Shepherd, Mr. Richardson and other eminent gentlemen, whose public services
have entitled them to the rest and relaxation of a voyage of this kind. Parties
desiring to make the round trip will have extra accommodation. The entire voyage

will be completed, and the passengers landed in New York again on the 14th of
December, 1991. This is, at least, forty years quicker than any other comet can
do it in. Nearly all the back pay members contemplate making the round trip
with us in case their constituents will allow them a holiday. Every harmless
amusement will be allowed on board, but no pools permitted on the run of the
comet—no gambling of any kind. All fixed stars will be respected by us, but
such stars as seem to ned fixing we shall fix. If it makes trouble we shall be
sorry, but firm.

Mr. Coggia having leased his comet to us, she will no longer be called by his
name but by my partner's. N. B.—Passengers by paying double fare will be
entitled to a share in all the new stars, suns, moons, comets, meteors and magazines
of thunder and lightning we may discover. Patent medicine people will take
notice that

WE CARRY BULLETIN BOARDS

and a paint brush along for use in the constellations, and are open to terms.
Cremationists are reminded that we are going straight to—some hot places—and
are open to terms. To other parties our enterprise is a pleasure excursion, but
individually we mean business. We shall fly our comet for all it is worth.

FOR FURTHER PARTICULARS,

or for freight or passage, apply on board, or to my partner, but not to me, since I
do not take charge of the comet until she is under weigh. It is necessary, at a
time like this, that my mind should not be burdened with small business details.

Mark Twain.