Mark Twain's sketches, new and old now first published in complete form |
 | SOME LEARNED FABLES,
FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS. |
| 1. |
| 2. |
| 3. |
 |
|
 | Mark Twain's sketches, new and old |  |
SOME LEARNED FABLES,
FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS.
IN THREE PARTS.
1. Part First.
HOW THE ANIMALS OF THE WOOD SENT OUT A
SCIENTIFIC EXPEDITION.
ONCE the creatures of the forest held a great
convention and appointed a commission
consisting of the most illustrious scientists
among them to go forth, clear beyond the forest
and out into the unknown and unexplored world,
to verify the truth of the matters already taught in
their schools and colleges and also to make discoveries. It was the most imposing
enterprise of the kind the nation had ever embarked in. True, the government
passage through the swamp to the right-hand corner of the wood, and had since
sent out many expeditions to hunt for Dr. Bull Frog; but they never could find
him, and so government finally gave him up and ennobled his mother to show
its gratitude for the services her son had rendered to science. And once government
sent Sir Grass Hopper to hunt for the sources of the rill that emptied into the
swamp; and afterwards sent out many expeditions to hunt for Sir Grass; and at
last they were successful—they found his body, but if he had discovered the sources
meantime, he did not let on. So government acted handsomely by deceased, and
many envied his funeral.
But these expeditions were trifles compared with the present one; for this one
comprised among its servants the very greatest among the learned; and besides it
was to go to the utterly unvisited regions believed to lie beyond the mighty forest
—as we have remarked before. How the members were banqueted, and glorified,
and talked about! Everywhere that one of them showed himself, straightway
there was a crowd to gape and stare at him.
Finally they set off, and it was a sight to see the long procession of dry-land
Tortoises heavily laden with savans, scientific instruments, Glow-Worms and Fire-Flies
for signal-service, provisions, Ants and Tumble-Bugs to fetch and carry and
delve, Spiders to carry the surveying chain and do other engineering duty, and so
forth and so on; and after the Tortoises came another long train of iron-clads—
stately and spacious Mud Turtles for marine transportation service; and from every
Tortoise and every Turtle flaunted a flaming gladiolus or other splendid banner;
at the head of the column a great band of Bumble-Bees, Mosquitoes, Katy-Dids
and Crickets discoursed martial music; and the entire train was under the escort
and protection of twelve picked regiments of the Army Worm.
At the end of three weeks the expedition emerged from the forest and looked
upon the great Unknown World. Their eyes were greeted with an impressive
spectacle. A vast level plain stretched before them, watered by a sinuous stream;
and beyond, there towered up against the sky a long and lofty barrier of some kind,
they did not know what. The Tumble-Bug said he believed it was simply land
tilted up on its edge, because he knew he could see trees on it. But Prof. Snail
and the others said:
“You are hired to dig, sir—that is all. We need your muscle, not your brains.
When we want your opinion on scientific matters, we will hasten to let you know.
Your coolness, is intolerable, too—loafing about here meddling with august matters
of learning, when the other laborers are pitching camp. Go along and help handle
the baggage.”
The Tumble-Bug turned on his heel uncrushed, unabashed, observing to himself,
“If it isn't land tilted up, let me die the death of the unrighteous.”
Professor Bull Frog, (nephew of the late explorer,) said he believed the ridge
was the wall that enclosed the earth. He continued:
“Our fathers have left us much learning, but they had not traveled far, and so
we may count this a noble new discovery. We are safe for renown, now, even
though our labors began and ended with this single achievement. I wonder what
this wall is built of? Can it be fungus? Fungus is an honorable good thing to
build a wall of.”
Professor Snail adjusted his field-glass and examined the rampart critically.
Finally he said:
“The fact that it is not diaphanous, convinces me that it is a dense vapor formed
by the calorification of ascending moisture dephlogisticated by refraction. A few
endiometrical experiments would confirm this, but it is not necessary.—The thing
is obvious.”
So he shut up his glass and went into his shell to make a note of the discovery
of the world's end, and the nature of it.
“Profound mind!” said Professor Angle-Worm to Professor Field-Mouse; “profound
mind! nothing can long remain a mystery to that august brain.”
Night drew on apace, the sentinel crickets were posted, the Glow Worm and
Fire-Fly lamps were lighted, and the camp sank to silence and sleep. After
breakfast in the morning, the expedition moved on. About noon a great avenue
was reached, which had in it two endless parallel bars of some kind of hard black
substance, raised the height of the tallest Bull Frog above the general level. The
scientists climbed up on these and examined and tested them in various ways.
They walked along them for a great distance, but found no end and no break in
them. They could arrive at no decision. There was nothing in the records of
geographer, Professor Mud Turtle, a person who, born poor, and of a drudging low
family, had, by his own native force raised himself to the headship of the geographers
of his generation, said:
“My friends, we have indeed made a discovery here. We have found in a palpable,
compact and imperishable
state what the wisest of our
fathers always regarded as a
mere thing of the imagination.
Humble yourselves, my
friends, for we stand in a majestic
presence. These are parallels
of latitude!” Every heart
and every head was bowed, so
awful, so sublime was the magnitude
of the discovery. Many
shed tears. The camp was
pitched and the rest of the day
given up to writing voluminous
accounts of the marvel, and correcting
astronomical tables to
fit it. Toward midnight a demoniacal
shriek was heard, then
a clattering and rumbling noise,
and the next instant a vast terrific eye shot by, with a long tail attached, and disappeared
in the gloom, still uttering triumphant shrieks.
The poor camp laborers were stricken to the heart with fright, and stampeded
for the high grass in a body. But not the scientists. They had no superstitions.
They calmly proceeded to exchange theories. The ancient geographer's opinion
was asked. He went into his shell and deliberated long and profoundly. When
he came out at last, they all knew by his worshiping countenance that he brought
light. Said he:
“Give thanks for this stupendous thing which we have been permitted to witness.
—It is the Vernal Equinox!”
There were shoutings and great rejoicings.
“But,” said the Angle-worm, uncoiling after reflection, “this is dead summer
time.”
“Very well,” said the Turtle, “we are far from our region; the season differs
with the difference of time between the two points.”
“Ah, true. True enough. But it is night. How should the sun pass in the
night?”
“In these distant regions he doubtless passes always in the night at this hour.”
“Yes, doubtless that is true. But it being night, how is it that we could see
him?”
“It is a great mystery. I grant that. But I am persuaded that the humidity of
the atmosphere in these remote regions is such that particles of daylight adhere to
the disk and it was by aid of these that we were enabled to see the sun in the dark.”
This was deemed satisfactory, and due entry was made of the decision.
But about this moment those dreadful shriekings were heard again; again the
rumbling and thundering came speeding up out of the night; and once more a
flaming great eye flashed by and lost itself in gloom and distance.
The camp laborers gave themselves up for lost. The savants were sorely perplexed.
Here was a marvel hard to account for. They thought and they talked,
they talked and they thought.—Finally the learned and aged Lord Grand-Daddy-Longlegs,
who had been sitting, in deep study, with his slender limbs crossed and
his stemmy arms folded, said:
“Deliver your opinions, brethren, and then I will tell my thought—for I think
I have solved this problem.”
“So be it, good your lordship,” piped the weak treble of the wrinkled and
withered Professor Woodlouse, “for we shall hear from your lordship's lips naught
but wisdom.”—[Here the speaker threw in a mess of trite, threadbare, exasperating
quotations from the ancient poets and philosophers, delivering them with unction
in the sounding grandeurs of the original tongues, they being from the Mastodon,
the Dodo, and other dead languages]. “Perhaps I ought not to presume to meddle
made it the business of my life to delve only among the riches of the extinct
languages and unearth the opulence of their ancient lore; but still, as unacquainted
as I am with the noble science of astronomy, I beg with deference and humility
to suggest that inasmuch as the last of these wonderful apparitions proceeded in
exactly the opposite direction from that pursued by the first, which you decide to
be the Vernal Equinox, and greatly resembled it in all particulars, is it not possible,
nay certain, that this last is the Autumnal Equi—”
“O-o-o!” “O-o-o! go to bed! go to bed!” with annoyed derision from everybody.
So the poor old Woodlouse retreated out of sight, consumed with shame.
Further discussion followed, and then the united voice of the commission begged
Lord Longlegs to speak. He said:
“Fellow-scientists, it is my belief that we have witnessed a thing which has
occurred in perfection but once before in the knowledge of created beings. It is a
phenomenon of inconceivable importance and interest, view it as one may, but its
interest to us is vastly heightened by an added knowledge of its nature which no
scholar has heretofore possessed or even suspected. This great marvel which we
have just witnessed, fellow-savants, (it almost takes my breath away!) is nothing
less than the transit of Venus!”
Every scholar sprang to his feet pale with astonishment. Then ensued tears,
hand-shakings, frenzied embraces, and the most extravagant jubilations of every
sort. But by and by, as emotion began to retire within bounds, and reflection to
return to the front, the accomplished Chief Inspector Lizard observed:
“But how is this?— Venus should traverse the sun's surface, not the earth's.”
The arrow went home. It carried sorrow to the breast of every apostle of
learning there, for none could deny that this was a formidable criticism. But
tranquilly the venerable Duke crossed him limbs behind his ears and said:
“My friend has touched the marrow of our mighty discovery. Yes—all that
have lived before us thought a transit of Venus consisted of a flight across the sun's
face; they thought it, they maintained it, they honestly believed it, simple hearts,
and were justified in it by the limitations of their knowledge; but to us has been
granted the inestimable boon of proving that the transit occurs across the earth's
face, for we have SEEN it!”
The assembled wisdom sat in speechless adoration of this imperial intellect. All
doubts had instantly departed, like night before the lightning.
The Tumble-Bug had just intruded, unnoticed. He now came reeling forward
among the scholars, familiarly slapping first one and then another on the shoulder,
saying “Nice ('ic!) nice old boy!” and smiling a smile of elaborate content.
Arrived at a good position for speaking, he put his left arm akimbo with his knuckles
planted in his hip just under the edge of his cut-away coat, bent his right leg,
placing his toe on the ground and resting his heel with easy grace against his left
shin, puffed out his aldermanic stomach, opened his lips, leaned his right elbow
on Inspector Lizard's shoulder, and—
But the shoulder was indignantly withdrawn and the hard-handed son of toil
went to earth. He floundered a bit but came up smiling, arranged his attitude
with the same careful detail as before, only choosing Professor Dogtick's shoulder
for a support, opened his lips and—
Went to earth again. He presently scrambled up once more, still smiling, made
a loose effort to brush the dust off his coat and legs, but a smart pass of his hand
missed entirely and the force of the unchecked impulse slewed him suddenly
around, twisted his legs together, and projected him, limber and sprawling, into the
lap of the Lord Longlegs. Two or three scholars sprang forward, flung the
low creature head over heels into a corner and reinstated the patrician, smoothing
his ruffled dignity with many soothing and regretful speeches. Professor Bull Frog
roared out:
“No more of this, sirrah Tumble-Bug! Say your say and then get you about
your business with speed!—Quick—what is your errand? Come—move off a
trifle; you smell like a stable; what have you been at?”
“Please ('ic!) please your worship I chanced to light upon a find. But no
m (e-uck!) matter 'bout that. There's b ('ic!) been another find which— —beg
pardon, your honors, what was that th ('ic!) thing that ripped by here first?”
“It was the Vernal Equinox.”
“Inf ('ic!) fernal equinox. 'At's all right.—D ('ic!) Dunno him. What's other
one?”
“The transit of Venus.”
“G ('ic!) Got me again. No matter. Las' one dropped something.”
“Ah, indeed! Good luck! Good news! Quick—what is it?”
“M ('ic!) Mosey out `n' see. It'll pay.”
No more votes were taken for four and twenty hours. Then the following entry
was made: “The commission
went in a body to view the
find. It was found to consist
of a hard, smooth, huge object with
a rounded summit surmounted
by a short upright projection resembling
a section of a cabbage
stalk divided transversely
—This projection was not
solid, but was a hollow cylinder
plugged with a soft woody substance
unknown to our region—
that is, it had been so plugged,
but unfortunately this obstruction
had been heedlessly removed by
Norway Rat, Chief of the Sappers
and Miners, before our arrival.
The vast object before us, so
mysteriously conveyed from the glittering domains of space, was found to be hollow
and nearly filled with a pungent liquid of a brownish hue, like rain-water that has
stood for some time. And such a spectacle as met our view! Norway Rat was
perched upon the summit engaged in thrusting his tail into the cylindrical projection,
drawing it out dripping, permitting the struggling multitude of laborers to
suck the end of it, then straightway reinserting it and delivering the fluid to the
mob as before. Evidently this liquor had strangely potent qualities; for all that
partook of it were immediately exalted with great and pleasurable emotions, and
went staggering about singing ribald songs, embracing, fighting, dancing, discharging
irruptions of profanity, and defying all authority. Around us struggled a massed
army, down to the very sentinels, were mad like the rest, by reason of the drink.
We were seized upon by these reckless creatures, and within the hour we, even we,
were undistinguishable from the rest—the demoralization was complete and
universal. In time the camp wore itself out with its orgies and sank into a stolid
and pitiable stupor, in whose mysterious bonds rank was forgotten and strange
bed-fellows made, our eyes, at the resurrection, being blasted and our souls petrified
with the incredible spectacle of that intolerable stinking scavenger, the Tumble-Bug,
and the illustrious patrician my lord Grand Daddy, Duke of Longlegs, lying
soundly steeped in sleep, and clasped lovingly in each other's arms, the like
whereof hath not been seen in all the ages that tradition compasseth, and doubtless
none shall ever in this world find faith to master the belief of it save only we that
have beheld the damnable and unholy vision. Thus inscrutable be the ways of
God, whose will be done!
“This day, by order, did the Engineer-in-Chief, Herr Spider, rig the necessary
tackle for the overturning of the vast reservoir, and so its calamitous contents were
discharged in a torrent upon the thirsty earth, which drank it up and now there is
no more danger, we reserving but a few drops for experiment and scrutiny, and to
exhibit to the king and subsequently preserve among the wonders of the museum.
What this liquid is, has been determined. It is without question that fierce and
most destructive fluid called lightning. It was wrested, in its container, from its
store-house in the clouds, by the resistless might of the flying planet, and hurled at
our feet as she sped by. An interesting discovery here results. Which is, that
lightning, kept to itself, is quiescent; it is the assaulting contact of the thunderbolt
that releases it from captivity, ignites its awful fires and so produces an instantaneous
combustion and explosion which spread disaster and desolation far and wide in
the earth.”
After another day devoted to rest and recovery, the expedition proceeded upon
its way. Some days later it went into camp in a pleasant part of the plain, and the
savants sallied forth to see what they might find. Their reward was at hand.
Professor Bull Frog discovered a strange tree, and called his comrades. They
inspected it with profound interest.—It was very tall and straight, and wholly
altitude; Herr Spider measured its circumference at the base and computed the
circumference at its top by a mathematical demonstration based upon the warrant
furnished by the uniform degree of its taper upward. It was considered a very
extraordinary find; and since it was a tree of a hitherto unknown species, Professor
Woodlouse gave it a name of a learned sound, being none other than that of Professor
Bull Frog translated into the ancient Mastodon language, for it had always
been the custom with discoverers
to perpetuate their names
and honor themselves by this
sort of connection with their
discoveries. Now, Professor
Field-Mouse having placed
his sensitive ear to the tree, detected
a rich, harmonious
sound issuing from it. This
surprising thing was tested and
enjoyed by each scholar in turn
and great was the gladness
and astonishment of all. Professor
Woodlouse was requested
to add to and extend
the tree's name so as to make
it suggest the musical quality
it possessed— which he did,
furnishing the addition Anthem Singer, done into the Mastodon tongue.
By this time Professor Snail was making some telescopic inspections. He discovered
a great number of these trees, extending in a single rank, with wide intervals
between, as far as his instrument would carry, both southward and northward.
He also presently discovered that all these trees were bound together, near their
tops, by fourteen great ropes, one above another, which ropes were continuous,
from tree to tree, as far as his vision could reach. This was surprising. Chief
hung there by some colossal member of his own species, for he could see its prey
dangling here and there from the strands, in the shape of mighty shreds and rags
that had a woven look about their texture and were no doubt the discarded skins
of prodigious insects which had been caught and eaten. And then he ran along
one of the ropes to make a closer inspection, but felt a smart sudden burn on the
soles of his feet, accompanied by a paralyzing shock, wherefore he let go and swung
himself to the earth by a thread of his own spinning, and advised all to hurry at
once to camp, lest the monster should appear and get as much interested in the
savants as they were in him and his works. So they departed with speed, making
notes about the gigantic web as they went. And that evening the naturalist of the
expedition built a beautiful model of the colossal spider, having no need to see it
in order to do this, because he had picked up a fragment of its vertebræ by the
tree, and so knew exactly what the creature looked like and what its habits and its
preferences were, by this simple evidence alone. He built it with a tail, teeth,
fourteen legs and a snout, and said it ate grass, cattle, pebbles and dirt with equal
enthusiasm. This animal was regarded as a very precious addition to science. It
was hoped a dead one might be found, to stuff. Professor Woodlouse thought that
he and his brother scholars, by lying hid and being quiet, might maybe catch a live
one. He was advised to try it. Which was all the attention that was paid to his
suggestion. The conference ended with the naming the monster after the naturalist,
since he, after God, had created it.
“And improved it, mayhap,” muttered the Tumble-Bug, who was intruding
again, according to his idle custom and his unappeasable curiosity.
2. Part Second.
HOW THE ANIMALS OF THE WOOD COMPLETED THEIR SCIENTIFIC LABORS.
A week later the expedition camped in the midst of a collection of wonderful
curiosities. These were a sort of vast caverns of stone that rose singly and in
bunches out of the plain by the side of the river which they had first seen when
they emerged from the forest. These caverns stood in long straight rows on
opposite sides of broad aisles that were bordered with single ranks of trees. The
summit of each cavern sloped sharply both ways. Several horizontal rows of great
square holes, obstructed by a thin, shiny, transparent substance, pierced the frontage
of each cavern. Inside were caverns within caverns; and one might ascend and
visit these minor compartments by means of curious winding ways consisting of
continuous regular terraces raised one above another. There were many huge
shapeless objects in each compartment which were considered to have been living
creatures at one time, though now the thin brown skin was shrunken and loose,
and rattled when disturbed. Spiders were here in great number, and their cobwebs,
stretched in all directions and wreathing the great skinny dead together,
were a pleasant spectacle, since they inspired with life and wholesome cheer a
scene which would otherwise have brought to the mind only a sense of forsakenness
and desolation. Information was sought of these spiders, but in vain. They were
of a different nationality from those with the expedition and their language seemed
but a musical, meaningless jargon. They were a timid, gentle race, but ignorant,
and heathenish worshipers of unknown gods. The expedition detailed a great
detachment of missionaries to teach them the true religion, and in a week's time a
precious work had been wrought among those darkened creatures, not three families
being by that time at peace with each other or having a settled belief in any system
of religion whatever. This encouraged the expedition to establish a colony of
missionaries there permanently, that the work of grace might go on.
But let us not outrun our narrative. After close examination of the fronts of
the caverns, and much thinking and exchanging of theories, the scientists determined
the nature of these singular formations. They said that each belonged
mainly to the Old Red Sandstone period; that the cavern fronts rose in innumerable
and wonderfully regular strata high in the air, each stratum about five frog-spans
thick, and that in the present discovery lay an overpowering refutation of all
received geology: for between every two layers of Old Red Sandstone reposed a
thin layer of decomposed limestone; so instead of there having been but one Old
Red Sandstone period there had certainly been not less than a hundred and seventy-five!
And by the same token it was plain that there had also been a hundred
and seventy-five floodings of the earth and depositings of limestone strata! The
unavoidable deduction from which pair of facts, was, the overwhelming truth that
the world, instead of being only two hundred thousand years old, was older by
millions upon millions of years! And there was another curious thing: every
stratum of Old Red Sandstone was pierced and divided at mathematically regular
intervals by vertical strata of limestone. Up-shootings of igneous rock through
fractures in water formations were common; but here was the first instance where
water-formed rock had been so projected. It was a great and noble discovery and
its value to science was considered to be inestimable.
A critical examination of some of the lower strata demonstrated the presence of
fossil ants and tumble-bugs (the latter accompanied by their peculiar goods), and
with high gratification the fact was enrolled upon the scientific record; for this
was proof that these vulgar laborers belonged to the first and lowest orders of
created beings, though at the same time there was something repulsive in the
reflection that the perfect and exquisite creature of the modern uppermost order
owed its origin to such ignominious beings through the mysterious law of Development
of Species.
The Tumble-Bug, overhearing this discussion, said he was willing that the parvenus
of these new times should find what comfort they might in their wise-drawn
theories, since as far as he was concerned he was content to be of the old first
families and proud to point back to his place among the old original aristocracy of
the land.
“Enjoy your mushroom dignity, stinking of the varnish of yesterday's veneering,
since you like it,” said he; “suffice it for the Tumble-Bugs that they come of a
race that rolled their fragrant spheres down the solemn aisles of antiquity, and left
their imperishable works embalmed in the Old Red Sandstone to proclaim it to the
wasting centuries as they file
along the highway of Time!”
“O, take a walk!” said the
chief of the expedition, with
derision.
The summer
passed, and winter approached.
In and about many of the caverns
were what seemed to be
inscriptions. Most of the
scientists said they were ininscriptions,
a few said they
were not. The chief philologist,
Professor Woodlouse, maintained
that they were writings,
done in a character utterly unknown
to scholars, and in a
language equally unknown.
He had early ordered his
artists and draughtsmen to make fac-similes of all that were discovered; and had set
himself about finding the key to the hidden tongue. In this work he had followed
the method which had always been used by decipherers previously. That is to say,
he placed a number of copies of inscriptions before him and studied them both collectively
and in detail. To begin with, he placed the following copies together:
The American Hotel.
The Shades.
Boats for Hire Cheap.
Billiards.
The A 1 Barber Shop.
Meals at all Hours.
No Smoking.
Union Prayer Meeting, 4 P. M.
The Waterside Journal.
Telegraph Office.
Keep off the Grass.
Try Brandreth's Pills.
Cottages for Rent during the Watering Season.
For Sale Cheap.
For Sale Cheap.
For Sale Cheap.
For Sale Cheap.
At first it seemed to the Professor that this was a sign-language, and that each
word was represented by a distinct sign; further examination convinced him that it
was a written language, and that every letter of its alphabet was represented by a
character of its own; and finally, he decided that it was a language which conveyed
itself partly by letters, and partly by signs or hieroglyphics. This conclusion was
forced upon him by the discovery of several specimens of the following nature:
He observed that certain inscriptions were met with in greater frequency than
others. Such as “For Sale Cheap;” “Billiards;” “S. T.—1860—X;” “Keno;”
“Ale on Draught.” Naturally, then, these must be religious maxims. But this
idea was cast aside, by and by, as the mystery of the strange alphabet began to
clear itself. In time, the Professor was enabled to translate several of the inscriptions
with considerable plausibility, though not to the perfect satisfaction of all the
scholars. Still, he made constant and encouraging progress.
Finally a cavern was discovered with these inscriptions upon it:
WATERSIDE MUSEUM.
Open at all Hours. Admission 50 cents.
Wonderful Collection of Wax-Works, Ancient Fossils, etc.
Professor Woodlouse affirmed that the word “Museum” was equivalent to the
well astonished. But what they saw may be best conveyed in the language of their
own official report:
“Erect, and in a row, were a sort of rigid great figures which struck us instantly
as belonging to the long extinct species of reptile called Man, described in our
ancient records. This was a peculiarly gratifying discovery, because of late times
it has become fashionable to regard this creature as a myth and a superstition, a
work of the inventive imaginations of our remote ancestors. But here, indeed, was
Man, perfectly preserved, in a fossil state. And this was his burial place, as
already ascertained by the inscription. And now it began to be suspected that the
caverns we had been inspecting had been his ancient haunts in that old time that
he roamed the earth—for upon the breast of each of these tall fossils was an
inscription in the character heretofore noticed. One read, `Captain Kidd, the
Pirate;' another `Queen Victoria;' another, `Abe Lincoln;' another, `George
Washington,' etc.
“With feverish interest we called for our ancient scientific records to discover if
perchance the description of Man there set down would tally with the fossils before
us. Professor Woodlouse read it aloud in its quaint and musty phraseology, to
wit:
“`In ye time of our fathers Man still walked ye earth, as by tradition we know.
It was a creature of exceeding great size, being compassed about with a loose skin,
sometimes of one color, sometimes of many, the which it was able to cast at will;
which being done, the hind legs were discovered to be armed with short claws like
to a mole's but broader, and ye fore-legs with fingers of a curious slimness and a
length much more prodigious than a frog's, armed also with broad talons for
scratching in ye earth for its food. It had a sort of feathers upon its head such as
hath a rat, but longer, and a beak suitable for seeking its food by ye smell thereof.
When it was stirred with happiness, it leaked water from its eyes; and when it suffered
or was sad, it manifested it with a horrible hellish cackling clamor that was
exceeding dreadful to hear and made one long that it might rend itself and perish,
and so end its troubles. Two Mans being together, they uttered noises at each
other like to this: `Haw-haw-haw—dam good, dam good,' together with other
talked, but poets be always ready to catch at any frantic folly, God he knows.
Sometimes this creature goeth about with a long stick ye which it putteth to its
face and bloweth fire and smoke through ye same with a sudden and most damnable
bruit and noise that doth fright its prey to death, and so seizeth it in its talons
and walketh away to its habitat, consumed with a most fierce and devilish joy.'
“Now was the description set forth by our ancestors wonderfully endorsed
and confirmed by the fossils
before us, as shall be seen.
The specimen marked `Captain
Kidd' was examined in detail.
Upon its head and part
of its face was a sort of fur like
that upon the tail of a horse.
With great labor its loose skin
was removed, whereupon its
body was discovered to be of
a polished white texture, thoroughly
petrified. The straw it had
eaten, so many ages gone by,
was still in its body, undigested—and
even in its legs.
“Surrounding these fossils
were objects that would
mean nothing to the ignorant,
but to the eye of science they
were a revelation. They laid bare the secrets of dead ages. These musty Memorials
told us when Man lived, and what were his habits. For here, side by side
with Man, were the evidences that he had lived in the earliest ages of creation,
the companion of the other low orders of life that belonged to that forgotten
time.—Here was the fossil nautilus that sailed the primeval seas; here was the
skeleton of the mustodon, the ichthyosaurus, the cave bear, the prodigious elk.
young of Man's own species, split lengthwise, showing that to his taste the marrow
was a toothsome luxury. It was plain that Man had robbed those bones of their
contents, since no tooth-mark of any beast was upon them—albeit the Tumble-Bug
intruded the remark that “no beast could mark a bone with its teeth, anyway.”
Here were proofs that Man had vague, groveling notions of art; for this fact
was conveyed by certain things marked with the untranslatable words, `Flint
Hatchets, Knives, Arrow-Heads, and Bone-Ornaments of Primeval Man.'
Some of these seemed to be rude weapons chipped out of flint, and in a secret
place was found some more in process of construction, with this untranslatable
legend, on a thin, flimsy material, lying by:
“Jones, if you don't want to be discharged from the Musseum, make the next primeaveal
weppons more careful—you couldn't even fool one of these sleapy old syentiffic
grannys from the Coledge with the last ones. And mind you the animles you carved on
some of the Bone Ornaments is a blame sight too good for any primeaveal man that
was ever fooled.—Varnum, Manager.”
“Back of the burial place was a mass of ashes, showing that Man always had a
feast at a funeral—else why the ashes in such a place? and showing, also, that he
believed in God and the immortality of the soul—else why these solemn ceremonies?
To sum up.—We believe that man had a written language. We know that he
indeed existed at one time, and is not a myth; also, that he was the companion of
the cave bear, the mastodon, and other extinct species; that he cooked and ate
them and likewise the young of his own kind; also, that he bore rude weapons, and
knew something of art; that he imagined he had a soul, and pleased himself with
the fancy that it was immortal. But let us not laugh; there may be creatures in
existence to whom we and our vanities and profundities may seem as ludicrous.”
3. Part Third.
Near the margin of the great river the scientists presently found a huge, shapely
stone, with this inscription:
“In 1847, in the spring, the river overflowed its banks and covered the whole township.
The depth was from two to six feet. More than 900 head of cattle were lost,
and many homes destroyed. The Mayor ordered this memorial to be erected to perpetuate
the event. God spare us the repetition of it!”
With infinite trouble, Professor Woodlouse succeeded in making a translation of
this inscription, which was sent home and straightway an enormous excitement was
created about it. It confirmed, in a remarkable way, certain treasured traditions
of the ancients. The translation was slightly marred by one or two untranslatable
presented:
“One thousand eight hundred and forty-seven years ago, the (fires?) descended and
consumed the whole city. Only some nine hundred souls were saved, all others destroyed.
The (king?) commanded this stone to be set up to..... (untranslable)..... prevent
the repetition of it.”
This was the first successful and satisfactory translation that had been made of
the mysterious character left behind him by extinct man, and it gave Professor
Woodlouse such reputation that at once every seat of learning in his native land
conferred a degree of the most illustrious grade upon him, and it was believed that
if he had been a soldier and had turned his splendid talents to the extermination
of a remote tribe of reptiles, the king would have ennobled him and made him rich.
And this, too, was the origin of that school of scientists called Manologists, whose
specialty is the deciphering of the ancient records of the extinct bird termed Man.
[For it is now decided that Man was a bird and not a reptile]. But Professor
Woodlouse began and remained chief of these, for it was granted that no translations
were ever so free from error as his. Others made mistakes—he seemed incapable
of it. Many a memorial of the lost race was afterward found, but none ever
attained to the renown and veneration achieved by the “Mayoritish Stone”—it
being so called from the word “Mayor” in it, which, being translated “King,”
“Mayoritish Stone” was but another way of saying “King Stone.”
Another time the expedition made a great “find.” It was a vast round flattish
mass, ten frog-spans in diameter and five or six high. Professor Snail put on his
spectacles and examined it all around, and then climbed up and inspected the top.
He said:
“The result of my perlustration and perscontation of this isoperimetrical protuberance
is a belief that it is one of those rare and wonderful creations left by the
Mound Builders. The fact that this one is lamellibranchiate in its formation,
simply adds to its interest as being possibly of a different kind from any we read
of in the records of science, but yet in no manner marring its authenticity. Let
the megalophonous grasshopper sound a blast and summon hither the perfunctory
and circumforaneous Tumble-Bug, to the end that excavations may be made and
learning gather new treasures.”
Not a Tumble-Bug could be found on duty, so the Mound was excavated by a
working party of Ants. Nothing was discovered. This would have been a great
disappointment, had not the venerable Longlegs explained the matter.—He said:
“It is now plain to me that the mysterious and forgotten race of Mound Builders
did not always erect these edifices as mausoleums, else in this case as in all previous
cases, their skeletons would be found here, along with the rude implements which
the creatures used in life. Is not this manifest?”
“True! true!” from everybody.
“Then we have made a discovery of peculiar value here; a discovery which
greatly extends our knowledge of this creature in place of diminishing it; a discovery
which will add lustre to the achievements of this expedition and win for us the
commendations of scholars everywhere. For the absence of the customary relics
here means nothing less than this: The Mound Builder, instead of being the ignorant,
savage reptile we have been taught to consider him, was a creature of cultivation
and high intelligence, capable of not only appreciating worthy achievements
of the great and noble of his species, but of commemorating them! Fellow-scholars,
this stately Mound is not a sepulchre, it is a monument!”
A profound impression was produced by this.
But it was interrupted by rude and derisive laughter—and the Tumble-Bug
appeared.
“A monument!” quoth he. “A monument set up by a Mound Builder! Aye,
so it is! So it is, indeed, to the shrewd keen eye of science; but to an ignorant
poor devil who has never seen a college, it is not a Monument, strictly speaking,
but is yet a most rich and noble property; and with your worships' good permission
I will proceed to manufacture it into spheres of exceeding grace and—”
The Tumble-Bug was driven away with stripes, and the draughtsmen of the
expedition were set to making views of the Monument from different standpoints,
while Professor Woodlouse, in a frenzy of scientific zeal, traveled all over it and all
around it hoping to find an inscription. But if there had ever been one it had
decayed or been removed by some vandal as a relic.
The views having been completed, it was now considered safe to load the
precious Monument itself upon the backs of four of the largest Tortoises and send
with enormous éclat and escorted to its future abiding-place by thousands of enthusiastic
citizens, King Bullfrog XVI. himself attending and condescending to sit
enthroned upon it throughout the progress.
The growing rigor of the weather was now admonishing the scientists to close
their labors for the present, so they made preparations to journey homeward. But
even their last day among the Caverns bore fruit; for one of the scholars found in
an out-of-the-way corner of
the Museum or “Burial-Place”
a most strange and extraordinary
thing. It was nothing less than
a double Man-Bird lashed together
breast to breast by a natural
ligament, and labelled
with the untranslatable words,
“Siamese Twins” The official report
concerning this thing closed
thus:
“Wherefore it
appears that there were in old
times two distinct species of
this majestic fowl, the one being
single and the other double.
Nature has a reason for all
things.—It is plain to the eye
of science that the Double-Man
originally inhabited a region where dangers abounded; hence he was paired
together to the end that while one part slept the other might watch; and likewise
that, danger being discovered, there might always be a double instead of a single
power to oppose it. All honor to the mystery-dispelling eye of godlike Science!”
And near the Double Man-Bird was found what was plainly an ancient record of
his, marked upon numberless sheets of a thin white substance and bound together.
Almost the first glance that Professor Woodlouse threw into it revealed this
a tremble, and it uplifted every soul there with exultation and astonishment:
“In truth it is believed by many that the lower animals reason and talk together.”
When the great official report of the expedition appeared, the above sentence
bore this comment:
“Then there are lower animals than Man! This remarkable passage can mean
nothing else. Man himself is extinct, but they may still exist. What can they be?
Where do they inhabit? One's enthusiasm bursts all bounds in the contemplation
of the brilliant field of discovery and investigation here thrown open to science.
We close our labors with the humble prayer that your Majesty will immediately
appoint a commission and command it to rest not nor spare expense until the search
for this hitherto unsuspected race of the creatures of God shall be crowned with
success.”
The expedition then journeyed homeward after its long absence and its faithful
endeavors, and was received with a mighty ovation by the whole grateful country.
There were vulgar, ignorant carpers, of course, as there always are and always
will be; and naturally one of these was the obscene Tumble-Bug. He said that all
he had learned by his travels was that science only needed a spoonful of supposition
to build a mountain of demonstrated fact out of; and that for the future he
meant to be content with the knowledge that nature had made free to all creatures
and not go prying into the august secrets of the Deity.
| Mark Twain's sketches, new and old | |