University of Virginia Library

There is scarcely any set of fools that call more loudly for the lash of satire, than these guardians of the rising generation. That schools are of utility, is beyond all doubt: but sorry am I to say, that they are too frequently converted into abuses. It hath very frequently come within mine own knowledge, to witness the conduct of boarding-school misses, when they have attained the ages of fourteen and fifteen: at such times I have beheld them enter the presence of the lady governess, hanging their heads, as Mrs. Cowley very characteristically observes, like dead partridges. Speak to them in French, and they are sure to reply in English. Request to hear some specimen of their performance on the piano forte, and you may then set it down for granted, that all the powers of affectation will be called forth, in order to plead a silly excuse. Follow them from the august presence of madam, to the interior of their own chambers, and there you will find all the little arts of petty intrigue and coquettish blandishments practised. In short, these misses are complete masqueraders, blushing at things they should not comprehend, and facing those faults with the most daring effrontery, which they should feel shame in owning. Such are, however, the effects resulting from the present system of education: whereas we never scarcely see a school-girl enter a room with noble confidence, and reply with firm, yet modest diffidence, to a question proposed. Had I a daughter, she should not remain at one of these seminaries, after the attainment of her tenth year; for, until that period, the childish imagination wantons with playful frivolity; it resists the curb of restraint, as far as relates to the operations of the mind, solely engrossed by the trifling gratifications, resulting from play and baubles. In short, till that period, all is well: nor would it be amiss if our legislature, like that of ancient Athens, was to establish public seminaries for the youth of both sexes, where every moral and religious duty was nourished and brought to perfection; and not nipped in the bud by starched, unnecessary forms.

If the mind cannot elicit one way, it certainly will another: and thence we find, that among the many, some will propagate bad, and others, good. But instead of watching these several propensities which should constitute the leading principle of tutors, they, on the contrary, attend to superface only; which is a sufficient reason why the propensity to evil so much overbalances the practice of good.

To such an extravagant pitch has this accomplishment arrived, that, instead of the mere steps which formerly constituted its excellence, being deemed sufficient for the ball-room, every little miss must now emulate the Opera House ladies, whose manners, a few years since, excited such disgust in the eyes of the lawn sleeved right reverends of the woolpack: and, indeed, we may exclaim with the Roman, in speaking of the conduct of our misses in this particular:

To hear the battle of Prague most unmercifully crucified by one of these expert daughters of Euterpe, who is not only devoid of taste but ears, hath frequently been the lot of the writer, whose feelings can only be conceived by those that have suffered a similar torture. Such I conceive to be one of the insufferable miseries of human life.

E da un matto voler insegnare non havendo imperato.

This is not to be wondered at, when we consider the contents of the foregoing stanzas of the poet. But in order to make the reader better acquainted with causes. it is necessary to observe, that the more masters the pupil hath, the more money is derived by the preceptors. As to the idea of genius in the scholar, that is never taken into consideration; and I have literally seen school drawings that would have disgraced an Ouran Outang. And to speak truly of the persons employed to teach at seminaries, they are but the fag end, the tag rag and bobtail of proficients in those very arts they pretend to be so well schooled in; and I must confess that they very frequently reminded me of the old woman, who took infinite pains to teach her boy to milk a boar. But to the point: it is truly surprising to see how easily a school bill is whipped up, what with entrances of masters, or rather labourers; charges for books which were never had; usage of the globes and piano forte, whose tones might well vie with the clank that resounds from a cracked tin kettle; and the more genteel sum which is tacked to the account, for miss being a parlour boarder, who is honoured with slip slop tea and a bit of the brown off the meat. These are the wheels within wheels that set so many seminaries in motion. Apropos: I had very nearly forgotten to descant on the topic of whipping, which is generally followed up pretty smartly by old maids, who revenge their own disappointments and ill humours on the breeches of their pupils: and although, in this instance, they adhere to the text of Solomon, who saith, He that spareth his rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him, chasteneth him betimes; and Butler also, who, speaking of flogging, says,

yet I am rather of opinion with Terence, who thus emphatically expresseth himself:

And now, by way of leave-taking, let me use the lines of Butler to these heads of schools: