Poems on Several Occasions :: :: University of Virginia Library

As Jove on high Olymp. was quaffing
Nectar, and 'mong his Godlings laughing;
(For Gods and Godlings now and then
Can laugh and drink as well as Men)
Petitions 'gainst the trap-door—thump—
As if from cannon shot, came—plump;
And with such force, that Jove amaz'd
Order'd the trap-door to be rais'd: —
Which done;—without the least decorum,
Pray'rs jostling pray'rs, burst in before 'em;
And with such noise,—Jove 'gan to stare,
And thought all Billinsgate was there;
For Mortals, in their pray'rs, 'tis said,
Are often strangely underbred,
Nor to the Gods that Rev'rence shew,
That's due from clay-built folks below:—
Some pray'd for Fame, and some for Health,
Some for a Wench—some pray'd for Wealth;
Thro' fear of Hell some Wretches pray'd,
Some pray'd—for praying was their Trade;
For Wives some pray'd—but well-a-day!
More pray'd—to take their Wives away;
Some pray'd for this, and some for that,
And many—for they knew not what:
But what struck Jove more than the rest,
Were some short pray'rs so warmly prest,

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They spoke the Suppliants quite sincere,
Which made Jove kindly lend an ear;
For Jove (sly rogue!) knows—from the tongue
Or from the heart, if pray'rs are sprung.

“Great Jove, the Suppliants loud exclaim,
“Kindly assist the pregnant Dame,
“Guard Bellamira from disaster,
“And safely guide—or Miss or Master:
“No common cause demands our pray'r,
“In Bellamira thousands spare.”

This and much more his Godship heard,
From many Suppliants preferr'd;
But none more clam'rous seem'd than one,
An odd droll-looking Simpleton,
Who Jove in blund'ring terms addrest;
He own'd—This was his first request,
And swore, if Jove wou'd kindly save her,
He ne'er wou'd ask another favour.
Jove smil'd, and casting down an eye,
Scrub on his marrow-bones did spy;
Which plain as sun at noon-day, spoke
Th' affair to Scrub had been no joke.

But what Jove thought was most observant,
Ev'n her own Spouse in pray'r was fervent;
For Husbands seldom now-a-day,
For their Wives Preservation pray;—
He long to Peace had been a stranger,
Joyless, his dearest Bell. in danger;

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And wou'd have sacrific'd his life,
Unfashion'd thing! to save his Wife:
Jove smil'd, and thought it somewhat strange,
(For Jove himself is giv'n to change)
That Mortals should the Gods excell,
And from their betters bear the bell;
For be it spoken to Jove's shame,
Nor he, nor any of his name,
To Dinmow Flitch cou'd e'er lay claim.

To Constancy a perfect stranger,
Jove in his heart's an errant Ranger;
In snug disguise he often quits
Olymp. to feast on Mortal bits;
And Flesh and Blood prefers, by th' bye,
To all the Beauties of the Sky;
For which Dame Juno scolds and hectors,
And pays him off with curtain lectures.

Yet Jove himself, tho' Buck compleat,
As e'er frequented Russel-street,
To Mortals has forbid such jokes—
And threatens all your naughty folks,
If they'll not mend and say their pray'rs,
Old Nick shall carry 'em down stairs—
Hard case! that Jove shou'd Laws ordain,
Which Jove himself treats with disdain:
But Laws were made to rule the Throng,
Your Gods and Kings are never wrong.

“My Friends, quo' Jove, stroaking his face,
“In troth this is no common case;

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“Thousands, you see, in sad contrition,
“For yon good Wife i'th' Straw petition;
“And viva voce all aver,
“Their Happiness depends on her:
“The knocker ty'd, the straw thick spread,
“The Nurses hobbling round the bed,
“The throbbing breast, the tearful eye,
“Speak grim-fac'd Danger to be nigh:
“Then fly this instant;—downward speed,
“To aid her in this hour of need;
“In B---'s shape, Lucina, shew
“All that Obstetric art can do;
“You, Phœbus, quick to H--- repair,
“Assume your brother C---'s air,
“And Med'cine's utmost skill impart,
“To sooth her pains, and cheer her heart;
“And, Pallas, see your friendly aid
“In E---'s lovely form convey'd,
“In sweet discourse your med'cine pour'd,
“Will soften what must be endur'd:—
“While I, her lov'd Lord's tender breast,
“With Hope's sweet Balsam calm to rest.

“And now, hear Fate—hear Destiny;—
“By Styx I swear—'Tis Jove's decree—
“Soon shall a Cherub see the light,
“As Venus from the ocean bright;
“And with a wonder-working smile,
“Her fondling Mother's pangs beguile:
“Her welfare shall be Heav'n's own care,
“As Father wife, as Mother fair;

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“Like both in one, replete with Spirit,
“Good-nature, Wit—in short, all Merit.

“The Parents' virtues to requite,
“Wing'd be their days with true Delight;
“Health shall her choicest blessings shed,
“The Loves shall crown their genial bed;
“Fortune with smiles shall still befriend 'em,
“And—Heav'n's best gift—Content attend 'em;
“Blessing and blest, they long shall shew
“Example to mankind below,
“That Happiness is Virtue's prize,
“And, to be good, is to be wise.

“And when Death summons, as all must,
“From whence they came, return to dust,
“One single grave, one friendly mold,
“In union shall their clay infold;
“Their souls as one shall still unite,
“And endless feast in realms of light;
“On earth their virtues too survive,
“And in their lovely offspring live.”—

Jove spoke, and awful gave the nod,
While Fate submissive own'd the God.

See the Story of Menippus in the Spectator, No. 391—In which Prayers are said to enter Heaven thro' a Trap-Door, occasionally opened and shut as Jupiter happens to be in the Humour.