 | Poems on Several Occasions |  |
86
TIRESIAS.
As with his Sister Wife in chat
Over a bowl, Heav'n's Monarch sat,
A strange dispute between 'em rose,
How it began no Mortal knows,
Whether or Man or Woman most
In Love can greater Pleasures boast;
Juno averr'd, nay swore it too,
That Men the greatest Pleasure knew,
Whilst Jove, with due submission, prov'd
Women were happiest when they lov'd:
They wrangled, laugh'd, and long disputed,
Nor He nor She would be confuted.—
After much eloquence display'd,
Two flowing bowls of wine were laid
(Not such as France or Spain produces,
But Nectar, Prime of heav'nly juices)
That each was right; for even Gods
Can sport, and give or take the odds,
Tho' Jove this wise precaution takes,
His Statesmen ne'er are gambling Rakes;
Nor was his Treas'rer ever known
To Cards, or Dice, or Racing prone.—
Over a bowl, Heav'n's Monarch sat,
A strange dispute between 'em rose,
How it began no Mortal knows,
Whether or Man or Woman most
In Love can greater Pleasures boast;
Juno averr'd, nay swore it too,
That Men the greatest Pleasure knew,
Whilst Jove, with due submission, prov'd
Women were happiest when they lov'd:
They wrangled, laugh'd, and long disputed,
Nor He nor She would be confuted.—
After much eloquence display'd,
Two flowing bowls of wine were laid
(Not such as France or Spain produces,
But Nectar, Prime of heav'nly juices)
That each was right; for even Gods
Can sport, and give or take the odds,
Tho' Jove this wise precaution takes,
His Statesmen ne'er are gambling Rakes;
Nor was his Treas'rer ever known
To Cards, or Dice, or Racing prone.—
This altercation, so facetious,
Who's to decide?—None but Tiresias;
An honest Priest of Delphos' shrine,
Belov'd by Phœbus and the Nine.
Tiresias had, by strange fatality,
Figur'd away in either quality,
And had, by turns, in days of yore,
Both petticoats and breeches wore,
With each peculiar bagatelle
Annex'd to Sir or Madamoiselle;
Then who so fitting to decide?
Since, Snail-like, he'd been doubly try'd.
Who's to decide?—None but Tiresias;
An honest Priest of Delphos' shrine,
Belov'd by Phœbus and the Nine.
87
Figur'd away in either quality,
And had, by turns, in days of yore,
Both petticoats and breeches wore,
With each peculiar bagatelle
Annex'd to Sir or Madamoiselle;
Then who so fitting to decide?
Since, Snail-like, he'd been doubly try'd.
Rais'd to Olymp. alarm'd and scar'd,
Tiresias like a ninny star'd,
Nor cou'd a syllable deliver;
Struck with amazement thro' his liver,
'Till Madam Juno, to relieve him,
A glass of sparkling Nectar gave him,
Clear as the Lymph of Hypocrene,
A certain Nostrum for the Spleen,
Which in an instant bronz'd his face,
As he had been of heav'nly race:
“Come, t'other glass, Dame Juno cries,
“I see it sparkling in your eyes;
“And now, my good Tiresias, tell us
“Whether we Ladies or the Fellows
“Quaff of Love's Joys the greatest potion,
“When at his shrine we pay devotion?”—
When double-charg'd, with great precision
Tiresias utter'd his opinion;
Tho' somewhat circumstantial rather,
Like a true Orthodox-bred Father.—
Tiresias like a ninny star'd,
Nor cou'd a syllable deliver;
Struck with amazement thro' his liver,
'Till Madam Juno, to relieve him,
A glass of sparkling Nectar gave him,
Clear as the Lymph of Hypocrene,
A certain Nostrum for the Spleen,
Which in an instant bronz'd his face,
As he had been of heav'nly race:
“Come, t'other glass, Dame Juno cries,
“I see it sparkling in your eyes;
“And now, my good Tiresias, tell us
“Whether we Ladies or the Fellows
“Quaff of Love's Joys the greatest potion,
“When at his shrine we pay devotion?”—
When double-charg'd, with great precision
Tiresias utter'd his opinion;
Tho' somewhat circumstantial rather,
Like a true Orthodox-bred Father.—
88
“With all due rev'rence, may it please
Your High and Sacred Majesties,
The question you propose, tho' odd,
I'll tell the Truth, so help me God;
I've been admitted, 'tis most certain,
On either side behind the Curtain;
Your question is, if right my guess is,
Which Sex the greatest Bliss possesses,
And which, were I my choice to win,
I should prefer to figure in.
Your High and Sacred Majesties,
The question you propose, tho' odd,
I'll tell the Truth, so help me God;
I've been admitted, 'tis most certain,
On either side behind the Curtain;
Your question is, if right my guess is,
Which Sex the greatest Bliss possesses,
And which, were I my choice to win,
I should prefer to figure in.
“A word or two may I presume,
'Ere to the grand affair I come.
'Ere to the grand affair I come.
“Some years ago—perhaps a score—
It may be less, it may be more—
As thro' a grove I took my way,
Two Snakes in sportive dalliance lay;
I thoughtlesly, to spoil their wooing,
Not as I would be done to doing,
With my long staff, this same I hold,
Forc'd 'em to quit their am'rous fold;
When lo! the Winds began to growl,
The Sky to low'r, the Thunder rowl,
And to my great surprize—Lord bless me!
I found a wond'rous change possess me;
My spirits flutt'ring seem'd to fly,
As just awak'd, beyond the sky;
No longer now a humdrum Ninny,
I thought Old Nick had got within me,
Nor cou'd I at the reason guess,
Till bed-time, going to undress,
The Secret then stood full in view,
By Instinct to the glass I flew,
There ev'ry Female Mark and Grace
Star'd me reflected in the face;
I found—what yet had happ'd to no Man,
I found myself transform'd to Woman.
It may be less, it may be more—
As thro' a grove I took my way,
Two Snakes in sportive dalliance lay;
I thoughtlesly, to spoil their wooing,
Not as I would be done to doing,
With my long staff, this same I hold,
Forc'd 'em to quit their am'rous fold;
When lo! the Winds began to growl,
The Sky to low'r, the Thunder rowl,
And to my great surprize—Lord bless me!
I found a wond'rous change possess me;
My spirits flutt'ring seem'd to fly,
As just awak'd, beyond the sky;
No longer now a humdrum Ninny,
I thought Old Nick had got within me,
Nor cou'd I at the reason guess,
Till bed-time, going to undress,
89
By Instinct to the glass I flew,
There ev'ry Female Mark and Grace
Star'd me reflected in the face;
I found—what yet had happ'd to no Man,
I found myself transform'd to Woman.
“New moulded in the Mint of Nature,
I now became a diff'rent creature;
Intenser ev'ry passion glow'd,
But chiefly more intense I lov'd;
A brother Priest my heart beguil'd,—
Frail was my sex—I prov'd with child;
To him a lovely babe I bare,
As like its dad as it cou'd stare;
For your assistance loud I bawl'd,
You kindly came, and Master squall'd;
The rogue still lives, and often shames me,
For to this hour Mamma he names me;
And when th' affair was public known,
They laugh'd, and christen'd me Pope Joan
I now became a diff'rent creature;
Intenser ev'ry passion glow'd,
But chiefly more intense I lov'd;
A brother Priest my heart beguil'd,—
Frail was my sex—I prov'd with child;
To him a lovely babe I bare,
As like its dad as it cou'd stare;
For your assistance loud I bawl'd,
You kindly came, and Master squall'd;
The rogue still lives, and often shames me,
For to this hour Mamma he names me;
And when th' affair was public known,
They laugh'd, and christen'd me Pope Joan
“To guard from farther defamation,
I fix'd with Priestesses my station,
And there what various scenes befell,
Not twenty years would serve to tell;
Such plotting, and such air-built schemes,
Such holy mock'ry!—such wild dreams!
And Man, dear Man, the only game,
At which we one and all took aim,
Not ev'n your Majesties, who know
All things above, and most below,
With all your knowledge cou'd find out,
So quickly veers the vane about.
I fix'd with Priestesses my station,
And there what various scenes befell,
Not twenty years would serve to tell;
Such plotting, and such air-built schemes,
Such holy mock'ry!—such wild dreams!
And Man, dear Man, the only game,
At which we one and all took aim,
90
All things above, and most below,
With all your knowledge cou'd find out,
So quickly veers the vane about.
“Years sev'n compleat, just to a day,
On Pleasure's wings skudded away;
Three children in the time I bore,
(I shou'd have mention'd that before)
When in the fields I chanc'd to spy
Two Snakes in act as formerly;
I with my staff—O fatal blunder!
Unrighteously put 'em asunder:
Quick, in a moment's fleeting span,
I saw myself re-chang'd to Man;
From flutt'ring in the air, I found
My spirits crawling on the ground;
What cou'd I do? I curst my fate,
And wish'd—but ah, 'twas now too late;—
Back to the Sisterhood I went,
Where after some weeks strangely spent,
Quite cloy'd, and jaded with my feast,
I chang'd my garb—and turn'd to Priest.”
On Pleasure's wings skudded away;
Three children in the time I bore,
(I shou'd have mention'd that before)
When in the fields I chanc'd to spy
Two Snakes in act as formerly;
I with my staff—O fatal blunder!
Unrighteously put 'em asunder:
Quick, in a moment's fleeting span,
I saw myself re-chang'd to Man;
From flutt'ring in the air, I found
My spirits crawling on the ground;
What cou'd I do? I curst my fate,
And wish'd—but ah, 'twas now too late;—
Back to the Sisterhood I went,
Where after some weeks strangely spent,
Quite cloy'd, and jaded with my feast,
I chang'd my garb—and turn'd to Priest.”
“More matter with less art, good friend,
“And of your preachment make an end,
“Cries Juno—Those same bowls of wine,
“Whose are they? Jupiter's or mine?”
“And of your preachment make an end,
“Cries Juno—Those same bowls of wine,
“Whose are they? Jupiter's or mine?”
“But one word more, indulge me, Madam,
I'll be as mute as now is Adam;
We Speakers, to prevent confusion,
Move step by step to a Conclusion,
Dissect and wiredraw Common sense,
'Ere we bring forth our Inference.”
I'll be as mute as now is Adam;
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Move step by step to a Conclusion,
Dissect and wiredraw Common sense,
'Ere we bring forth our Inference.”
“The question is—Which Sex can most
In Love the greatest Pleasure boast?
Dear Sir and Madam, I'm a Saracen
If there admits the least comparison:
Women in twenty years live more
Than Bearded Mortals in threescore;
Man's life is but a wint'ry day;
Woman's—A blue-sky'd First of May;
Up to the moon their spirits fly,
To feast on joys of lunacy;
But Man, too flegmatic and sad,
Wants sense sufficient to run mad.—
In Love the greatest Pleasure boast?
Dear Sir and Madam, I'm a Saracen
If there admits the least comparison:
Women in twenty years live more
Than Bearded Mortals in threescore;
Man's life is but a wint'ry day;
Woman's—A blue-sky'd First of May;
Up to the moon their spirits fly,
To feast on joys of lunacy;
But Man, too flegmatic and sad,
Wants sense sufficient to run mad.—
“The Female Heart may be compar'd
To a sweet violin, prepar'd
And ready tun'd—for Passion's hand
To bow and finger at command;
Each fibre is a trembling string,
Whence music floats on feeling wing;
Variety in wanton strains,
There ever new and changeful reigns,
Whilst roving Fancy still essays
Her flight in voluntary lays;
Whereas, like Belfry Chimes, Man's Heart
Can but a few dull strains impart.
To a sweet violin, prepar'd
And ready tun'd—for Passion's hand
To bow and finger at command;
Each fibre is a trembling string,
Whence music floats on feeling wing;
Variety in wanton strains,
There ever new and changeful reigns,
Whilst roving Fancy still essays
Her flight in voluntary lays;
Whereas, like Belfry Chimes, Man's Heart
Can but a few dull strains impart.
92
“Woman has ever been defin'd
The Porcelain Clay of Human Kind,
And in that Porcelain, 'tis suppos'd,
A Soul superior is inclos'd;
But Man, as Records all declare,
Is form'd of coarsest Earthen-Ware:—
This Truth admitted, where's the wonder
Our Sex to Women shou'd knock under;
For Heav'n, All-wise, fit lodgment suits
To Souls of Women, Men, and Brutes;—
But this, great Rulers of the Sky,
You know, at least, as well as I.”
The Porcelain Clay of Human Kind,
And in that Porcelain, 'tis suppos'd,
A Soul superior is inclos'd;
But Man, as Records all declare,
Is form'd of coarsest Earthen-Ware:—
This Truth admitted, where's the wonder
Our Sex to Women shou'd knock under;
For Heav'n, All-wise, fit lodgment suits
To Souls of Women, Men, and Brutes;—
But this, great Rulers of the Sky,
You know, at least, as well as I.”
“Thou chatt'ring wretch! thou meer old woman!
“Thou heteroclite thing! Thou no man!
“For surely such a gossip-tale
“Cou'd never come from tongue of Male,
“Cries Juno, (who from the beginning
“Smoak'd there were odds against her winning)
“Zoons! Blockhead, cease your tedious lecture;
“Tell us at once—Whose is the Nectar?
“Thou heteroclite thing! Thou no man!
“For surely such a gossip-tale
“Cou'd never come from tongue of Male,
“Cries Juno, (who from the beginning
“Smoak'd there were odds against her winning)
“Zoons! Blockhead, cease your tedious lecture;
“Tell us at once—Whose is the Nectar?
Tiresias, frighten'd to behold
Heaven's Empress swear like Wapping Scold,
Low bowing, vow'd sincere repentance,
Then strok'd his beard, and thus gave Sentence.
Heaven's Empress swear like Wapping Scold,
Low bowing, vow'd sincere repentance,
Then strok'd his beard, and thus gave Sentence.
“Since you abide by my opinion,
Justice unwarp'd shall give decision;
I know not how the wager's laid,
So hope that neither will upbraid,
And thus pronounce—(Tho' sooth to say,
Were you to change your sex one day,
Were Juno Jove—and Jove but Juno,
As much as I can tell you'd soon know:
But in one word—for entre nous,
I hate two words when one will do)
By Jove and Phœbus' Shrine I swear,
Our phlegm-soul'd sex can ne'er compare
In Love's Deliciæ with the Fair;
Nor can ------”
Justice unwarp'd shall give decision;
I know not how the wager's laid,
So hope that neither will upbraid,
93
Were you to change your sex one day,
Were Juno Jove—and Jove but Juno,
As much as I can tell you'd soon know:
But in one word—for entre nous,
I hate two words when one will do)
By Jove and Phœbus' Shrine I swear,
Our phlegm-soul'd sex can ne'er compare
In Love's Deliciæ with the Fair;
Nor can ------”
“Foul offspring of a lying race,”
Cries Juno, dashing in his face
A glass of Nectar—By the bye
Madam had almost bung'd her eye—
“Take that, and henceforth blind as Mole
“Throughout the world like beggar strole;
“Your lying verdict makes me lose
“Two bowls of most delicious booze:—
“Thou fool!—In matrimonial strife
“To back a husband 'gainst his wife!—
“Remember, Blockhead, the Old Song,
“A Wife is never in the Wrong.”
Cries Juno, dashing in his face
A glass of Nectar—By the bye
Madam had almost bung'd her eye—
“Take that, and henceforth blind as Mole
“Throughout the world like beggar strole;
“Your lying verdict makes me lose
“Two bowls of most delicious booze:—
“Thou fool!—In matrimonial strife
“To back a husband 'gainst his wife!—
“Remember, Blockhead, the Old Song,
“A Wife is never in the Wrong.”
More she had said, but drowsy grown,
Fast as a Dormouse she dropt down:—
How cruel! how unchristian like!
And in a Goddess too—to strike
With blindness a poor Country Rector,
Because, forsooth, she lost her Nectar;
But Contradiction—there's the thing—
Fix'd in her heart the bearded sting.
Fast as a Dormouse she dropt down:—
How cruel! how unchristian like!
And in a Goddess too—to strike
With blindness a poor Country Rector,
Because, forsooth, she lost her Nectar;
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Fix'd in her heart the bearded sting.
Poor Jove, rejoic'd to find her quiet,
Nor further danger of a riot,
Thus to Tiresias, whispering spake,
Lest Madam with the noise should wake;—
“Oh, tis a Vixen—and her thunder,
“Spite of my teeth, makes me knock under;
“This might teach mortals, had they wit,
“To their wives Logic to submit;
“For Junos cast in mortal mold,
“Can sometimes drink, and sometimes scold:—
“No God can alter or revoke
“A sentence by another spoke;
“Yet tho' in body you are blind,
“Doubly illum'd shall be your mind:—
“Henceforth the gift be thine to see
“The secrets of futurity;
“So shall due reverence be paid
“By every widow, wife, and maid,
“Who curious to foreknow their fate,
“Shall cross your hand at any rate,
“Shall Juno's Shrines neglect, to follow
“The Fortune-Teller of Apollo;—
“This will give Madam a damn'd rub,
“For she's as proud as Beelzebub;
“'Twill gore her heart with Envy's stings,
“And fret her guts to fiddle-strings;
“Nor shall she from this very hour,
“To hurt you have the smallest pow'r.”—
Nor further danger of a riot,
Thus to Tiresias, whispering spake,
Lest Madam with the noise should wake;—
“Oh, tis a Vixen—and her thunder,
“Spite of my teeth, makes me knock under;
“This might teach mortals, had they wit,
“To their wives Logic to submit;
“For Junos cast in mortal mold,
“Can sometimes drink, and sometimes scold:—
“No God can alter or revoke
“A sentence by another spoke;
“Yet tho' in body you are blind,
“Doubly illum'd shall be your mind:—
“Henceforth the gift be thine to see
“The secrets of futurity;
“So shall due reverence be paid
“By every widow, wife, and maid,
“Who curious to foreknow their fate,
“Shall cross your hand at any rate,
“Shall Juno's Shrines neglect, to follow
“The Fortune-Teller of Apollo;—
“This will give Madam a damn'd rub,
“For she's as proud as Beelzebub;
“'Twill gore her heart with Envy's stings,
“And fret her guts to fiddle-strings;
95
“To hurt you have the smallest pow'r.”—
Tiresias to the Earth convey'd,
Follow'd the fortune-telling trade;
Led by a dog he stroll'd about,
Resolving every lawful doubt;
And from each corner of the land,
To know their doom and cross his hand,
Females in crowds posted away,
Whilst Juno's Shrines neglected lay;
He by their follies soon grew rich,
And bad proud Madam—kiss his br---ch.
Follow'd the fortune-telling trade;
Led by a dog he stroll'd about,
Resolving every lawful doubt;
And from each corner of the land,
To know their doom and cross his hand,
Females in crowds posted away,
Whilst Juno's Shrines neglected lay;
He by their follies soon grew rich,
And bad proud Madam—kiss his br---ch.
Tho' with Tiresias dy'd the Patent
Of prying into wonders latent;
Yet from that æra to this time,
Pretenders swarm in ev'ry clime,
To whom the Fair, all eager, fly
On wings of Curiosity;
They think there can be no great hurt in
Taking a peep behind Fate's curtain,
To see what Spouses, and how many,
(A single One's not worth a penny)
What Riches, and how large a Breed
By gracious Heaven is decreed;—
On this each modern Tiresias,
With jargon laughable, tho' specious,
A mist before them snugly throws,
Then blinds and leads them by the nose,
Squeezes their purses, and in lieu
The rainbow Hope presents to view;
Pleas'd with the Phantom, they pursue it,
Till Gudgeon-like, too late they rue it.—
Of prying into wonders latent;
Yet from that æra to this time,
Pretenders swarm in ev'ry clime,
To whom the Fair, all eager, fly
On wings of Curiosity;
They think there can be no great hurt in
Taking a peep behind Fate's curtain,
To see what Spouses, and how many,
(A single One's not worth a penny)
What Riches, and how large a Breed
By gracious Heaven is decreed;—
On this each modern Tiresias,
With jargon laughable, tho' specious,
A mist before them snugly throws,
Then blinds and leads them by the nose,
Squeezes their purses, and in lieu
The rainbow Hope presents to view;
96
Till Gudgeon-like, too late they rue it.—
All this, if Chronicles say true,
To Juno's drunken pranks is due.
To Juno's drunken pranks is due.
It may perhaps be thought impertinent to inform the Reader that each Snail is of both Sexes. Scriblerius.
| Poems on Several Occasions | |