University of Virginia Library

The fifth hundred of Epygrams.

To the reader.

Were it as parellous to deale cardes at play,
As it is quarellous to deale bookes this day,
One and forty men, among one and fiftie,
Wolde flee one and thirtie, to flee one vnthriftie.
And yet Cardes so dealt should hane, in reuealyng,
Foredeale of bookes in this harde time of dealyng.
Cardes be tooted on but on the tone side:
Bookes on both sides: in all places porde and pride.
Not to content, but to contend, vpon spiall
Of least tittle, that can come in triall.
If the best writer to write be much afrayde,
More may I (the woorst) by fearefull feare be stayde.
And were not this one thing, feare should stay me so,
That booke or ballet, I neuer durst write mo.
In all my simple writyng neuer ment I,
To touche any priuate person displeasantly.
Nor none do I touche here: by name, but onely one,
Which is my selfe: whom I may be bolde vpon.
This ment in my makyng, syns proofe doth declare,
I pray you readers to scan this, by this square.
As I, for mirth, myrily did make it,
So you, in mirth, mirily will take it.

Of weenyng and wottyng. I.

Wise men in olde time, wold weene thē selues fooles.
Fooles now in new time, wil weene thē selues wise.
Weene wise, and wot wise differ in wise schooles:
To make them selues wise, when fooles so deuise,
As foolish as fruitlesse is thenterprise.
This case is thus adiudged in wisedomes schoole:
Who weenth him self wise, wisdome wotth him a foole.
Made by Iohn Heywood to these fooles everychone,
And made of Iohn Heywood, when he weenth him selfe none:

Of a man of law and his clientes. 2.

Twentie clientes to one man of lawe,
For counsell in twentie matters did drawe.
Eche one praiyng at one instant to speede,
As all at once woulde haue speede to proceede.
Freendes all (quoth the learned man) ile speake with none,
Till one barber haue shauen all, one by one.
To a barber they went all together:
And beyng shauen, they returnde agayne thyther.
Ye haue (quoth the lawier) tarid longe hence.
Sir (quoth one) twentie coulde not be shauen sence
Of one barber, for ye well vnderstande,
One barber can haue but one shauyng hande.
Nor one lawier (quoth he) but one talkyng tung
Learne clients this lesson of this lawier sprung.
Like as the barber, one after one must shaue,
So clientes of counsailours, counsaile must haue.

An aduise against mockyng. 3.

Use to thy true freende no derision
If thy freende spie it, he takth it poyson.
Though thy freend dissemble the spiall cleerely,
Yet spide in a freende it toucheth him neerely.
Tellyng thy freende his faute, mockyng him not,
If he thanke thee not, then is he a sot.

Of itchyng and smartyng. 4.

Itching and smartyng, both touch vs at quicke.
When we itche, we scratch: when we smart, we kicke.
But in our kickyng at our present smarte,
Let vs consider our former desarte.

Of a sharpe tunge. 5.

Wife, I perceiue thy tunge was made at Egeware.
Ye sir, and yours made at Rayly, harde by thare.

Of a horse. 6.

A Tilt horse, alias a beere horse to bee,
Which wouldst thou bee? a beere horse I say to thee.
When the horse is seene cheerely to drawe the beere.
He is so praysde, that he may be proude to heere.
At Tilte when the horse runthe as fast as he can,
All crie well runne, not to the horse, to the man.
And if the horse fall with the man ouerlade,
Then crie they all, a vengeance on that lame iade.

Of a butler and a hors. 7.

The butler and the beere horse both be like one.
They drawe beere both: that is truth to bide one.
Bothe drawe beere in deede, but yet they differ Ione:
The butler drawth and drinkth beere, the horse drinkth none.

Of brasse. 8.

I perceiue well now that brasse is waxen proude,
Because brasse so much with siluer is aloude.
And beyng both ioynde, sins they most by brasse stande,
That makth brasse bolde, to stande on the vpper hande.

Of a louces dwellyng place. 9.

Were thou a louce and shouldst choose one dwellyng place,
Whether woldst thou dwell, hauing choise in this case,
In mens bigge breeches, or in womens thicke ruffes?
I would be, both for the places and stuffes,
In sommer with women, in winter with men.
In sommer the womans necke pleasant then,
In winter the mans breeche is close and warme.
Large walks for life to walke warme without harme.
Galeries, gable endes, cambers, parlers, halles,
Colde frost to defende, a dosen double walles.
Som seeld, som hangd, som dide, some painted, som staind,
Rents of all sises great and small rentes retaynd.
And when by louce bitynges the legge is itchyng,
The barres of mens breeches haue such strōg stitching,
Such bolstring, such broydring, let men stare and stampe,
The louce is as safe there, as he were in a campe.
In winter I say these breeches are alone.
But then in sommer let the louce thens be gone,
For feare of a plague: if he then thither gette,
A thousande to one, he shall die of the swette.

Of a straunge glasse. 10.

Good god what a glasse to vewe is this?
See what an vnsightly sight here is.
Great promise, small performance.
Great countenaunce, small continuance.
Great winnyng, small sauyng.
Great hopyng, small hauyng.
Great hiues, small hony.
Great purses, small mony.
Great gappes, small bushes.
Great speares, small pushes.
Great wine, small water.
Great woords, small mater.
Great botome, small brinke.
Great brewyng, small drinke.
Great rent, small place.
Great space, small grace.
Great drift, small shifte.
Great gift, small thrifte.
Great watchyng, small catchyng.
Great patchyng, small matchyng.
Great bloud, small bruite.
Great flowers, small fruite.
Great wooddes, small okes.
Great staues, small strokes.
Great hennes, small egges.
Great hose, small egges.
Great studie, small arte.
Great desyre, small desarte.
Great geuyng, small takyng.
Great marryng, small makyng.
Great shippes, small saylyng.
Great losse, small auaylyng.
Great markyng, small myndyng.
Great seekyng, small findyng.
Great lawyng, small louyng.
Great sturryng, small mouyng.
Great sowyng, small growyng.
Great trowyng, small knowyng.
I trow so great ill, and so small good,
In one glasse together, neuer stood.

Of driuyng and drawyng. 11.

If thou must be forste foorth to take iorney quicke,
Whether woldst thou be driuen forth, or drawne forth Dicke?
I wolde be driuen forth Iacke: for as doth appeere,
Drawyng and hangyng drawe vengeable neere.
I thynke it lesse ill Iacke, hauyng choose in slope.
To be driuen with the whip, then drawne to the rope.

Of longe sutes. 12.

Sutes hange halfe a yere in Westminster hall,
At Tyburne, halfe an houres hangyng endeth al.

Of lightnesse. 13.

Nothyng is lighter then a feather, Kytte,
Yes climme: what light thing is that? thy light wytte.

Of a disagreement. 14.

Eche one man welny falth out with an other,
And lykewyse eche thynge disagreeth with other.
Namely malte and water, these two thinges are
So far falne a sunder, by scornefull square,
That no bruer, be he lustie or lither,
Dare couch malte and water, in house togyther.
But chiefly sowre water now beareth such sway,
That, sweete malte from brewhouse, water driuth away.

Of chepenyng of conies. 15.

Iane thou sellest sweete conies in this pultry shoppe:
But none so sweete as thy selfe, sweete conye moppe.
What is the price of thee? forsooth she tolde,
At what pryce so euer my selfe shalbe solde,
Strange is the hearyng, for ware or for monye,
To heare a woodcocke cheapen a conye.

Of a wyfe hauyng childe. 16.

My wyfe hath a childe now at fowre score and ten.
At fowre score and ten yeres? nay freend, nay: what then?
At fowre score and ten quarters of a yere I ment.
Ment ye so? and I ment yeres. by which extent
Your wyfe might seeme your mother: but now I smell,
You may seeme your wyues father wonderfoole well.

Of a bachiler and a mayde. 17.

Is that bachiler a wooer to that mayde?
The commons common so: tys commonly sayde.
Where dwelth that bachiler? wyde a bowe of brydewell.
Where dwelth that mayde? at broken wharfe very well.

Of shorte payment. 18.

Thy dettar wyll paie thee shortly: shortly?
He will make that short lye, a longe lye, dread I.

Whence certaine thinges came fyrst. 19.

Whens come great breeches? from little wittam.
Whens come great ruffes? from small brainfoorth they cam.
Whens come these round verdingales? from square thrift.
Whens come deepe copped hattes? from shallow shift.
Whens come braudered gards? from the towne of euill.
Whens come vncomde staryng heades? from the deuill.
Whens come these womans scarfs? from folly Iohn.
Whens come their glitteryng spanges? from much wanton.
Whens come perfumde gloues? from curiositee.
Whens come fyne trapt moyles? from superfluitce.
Whens come cornde crooked toes? from short shapen shoone.
Whens come wylde hie lookers? from midsomer moone.
Whens come fayre painted faces? from peinters tooles.
Whens come all these? from the vicar of sainct fooles.

Of furred and lyned gownes. 20.

Thicke furd gownes worne in somer, shew bare worn threeds.
Thin linde gownes worne in winter, come from S. needes.

Of a wyne drawer. 21.

Drawer, thy wyne is euen with thee now I see:
Thou persyste the wyne, and the wyne perseth thee.

Shorte checkes betwene a man and his wyfe. 22.

I am carefull to see thee carelesse, Iyll:
I am wofull to see thee wytlesse, Wyll.
I am anguishte to see thee an ape, Iyll:
I am angry to see thee an asse, Wyll.
I am frettyng to see thee flee from me, Iyll:
I am sory to see thee seeke to me, Wyll,
I am madde to see the mate thy husbande, Iyll:
I am sad to see thee sklaunder thy wyfe, Wyll.
I am dumpyshe to see thee play the drabbe, Iyll:
I am knappyshe to see the plaie the knaue, Wyll.

Of a woman deckt in two coloures. 23.

My honny bes, blacke and white doth set the out nette.
Thy here whyte as perle, thy teeth blacke as iette.

Of vnsweete breath. 24.

Thine vnsauery breath lackth salte, beale belsabubbe:
It hath tane to much wynde in the poudryng tubbe.
Thy breath, hodge, with salte is so sauery to smell,
That no seasonyng lyckour, can season it well.

Of clyppyng and clensyng. 25.

Not clyppyng your beards, why clyp you your nayles?
Not kombyng your heades, why wype you your tayles?
These beyng superfluous thinges euery chone,
Kombe, clip, or clense all: or clip or clense none.

Of a man and his wyues departyng. 26.

Wife I will go abrode. wyll ye take the payne?
Beete: but when the diuell will ye come in agayne?
Makst thou me a diuell? nay then be out of dout,
The diuell will come in, when the diuels damme goth out.

An account of a mans children. 27.

Wyfe, of ten babes betwene vs by encrease growne,
Thou saist I haue but nyne. no mo of your owne.
Of all thynges encresyng, as my conscience lythe,
The parson must needes haue the tenth for the tythe.

Of a woman of Huntington. 28.

Where dwelst thou Sys? I dwell at huntington nowe.
Lyke so, for thou lookst lyke a nowe hunted sowe.
Where dwelst thou Sym? at hammer smith dwell I.
A meete soyle for thee? for hammer hed is hard by.

Of a laundres. 29.

A lyke laundres to thee, neuer sawe I.
Thy clothes washt but once a weeke commonly,
Thy selfe washte once in an houre vsually.
And yet eche weekes ende doth this thus trie,
Thy clothes euer wette, thy selfe euer drie,

Of a cutter of purslane.

This herbe purslane thou cutst pretily I see:
But to cut apurse in a lane, none lyke thee.

Of one standyng in his owne conceite. 31.

He standth well in his owne conceyte eche man tels.
So had he neede, for he standth in no mans els.

Of one that hard without eares. 32.

I see men heare, though they eares haue none.
Thou doste heare me speake, thine eares beyng gone.

Of an archers rouyng. 33.

What a shafte shootes he with a rouyng arrowe?
Styll he hyts the marke, be it wyde or narrowe.
Where shooteth this sharpe shootyng archer most, Wyll:
He shooteth most at rouers on shooters hyll.

Of perill to one by the number of three. 34.

In thy hand I see, thy fortune shalbe suche,
That the numbre of three shall daunger the muche.
Three bedfelowes in thy bed shall displease thee,
Three lice in thy bumme breeche shall ofte disease thee,
Three cuppes full at once shall oft dysgyse thee,
Three bearers of the horn shall ofte dispise thee
Three drinkes, wyne, ale, and beere, shall ouerflowe thee,
Three wrestlers in one sygne shall ouerthrowe thee,
Three wiues in three yeres shall wondersly weare thee,
Three she beares those three yeres, shall al to teare thee.
But in thinges numbred by three, aboue all theese,
Blis the three thousand tymes, from frame of three treese.

Of gloria patri. 35.

Dicke I meruaile muche, why in eury plat,
Gloria paitri standth before Sicut erat.
Tom, Gloria patri is a gentleman:
In pleasant speeche, speake so sweetely no tung can.
Sicut erat is a churle so rude and playne,
That to here him speake, all degrees do disdaine.

Of a dyar. 36.

Is thy husband a dyar woman? alacke,
Had he no colour to die the on but blacke?
Dieth he oft? ye, to oft when customers call,
But I wolde haue him one day, die once for all.
Were he gone, diar woulde I neuer mo wed.
Diars be euer diyng, but neuer ded.

Of a Jugge. 37.

Pot him Iacke: pot him Iacke? nay pot him Iugge.
To pot the drunkarde, the Iugge is the dugge.

Of the three cuppes. 38.

Whers thine In Iohn? at three cuppes in bredstrete Ihone.
At three cuppes in breadstrete? well let bread alone.
At those three cuppes when euer thou dines or suppes,
Ere thou goe to bed, thou hast in all thy cuppes.

Of brasse and Iron. 39.

Of Jacke and John. 40

Iacke and Iohn in degree dyffer farre brother.
Iacke dawe is one, master Iohn dawes is an other.

Of wrestlyng. 41.

Where we wrestled by couples, we wrestle alone:
And shall, tyll tyme our shakled breeches be gone.
In steppyng and strydyng it is a wunder,
How we wrestle to get our legges a sunder.

Of pryde. 42.

If thou wil needes be proud, marke this freend myne:
Of good deedes be not proude: they are not thyne.
But when thou plaiest the knaue in yll deedes growne,
Be proud of those yll deedes: they are thyne owne.

Of one hanged. 43.

What faute had he done that was hangde yesterday?
Of any faute done by hym I can nought say.
Two or three two peny tryfles were layd to him,
But, his fayre gay hangde house, man, did vndo hym,
Here is tyt for tat, measure met very trym:
First he hangd his house, now his house hath hangd him.

Of a dettar. 44.

Doth your mastershyppe remember your dette to mee?
Remember my dette? ye freende, I warrant thee:
I remember it so, that though I say it,
Ile neuer forget it, nor neuer pay it.

Of louinge of a goose. 45.

Of harpe stringes. 46.

Which string in all the harpe wouldst thou styll harpe on.
Not the base, I will be none vnderlyng, Iohn.
Nor the standyng tennor: for stiffe standyng.
Nor the treble: for feare of to hye hangyng.
Nor the counter tennor: for countryng to long.
Upon what harpe stryng then wouldst thou harpe thy song?
Aboue all stryngs, when we shall fall to harpyng.
The harp stryng to harp on, is the meane harp stryng.

Of fortune. 47.

Take thy fortune as it falth, some aduiseth:
But I wolde fayne take fortune as it riseth.

Of choyce. 48.

Choice is good in most things folke say, in which choise,
For choise of one of two thinges, thou maist reioice:
For man aliue lyke thee franke choyse can haue,
To play the knauyshe foole, or the foolyshe knaue.

Of a false bragge.

I was neuer but an honest man.
Put out that but, and thou saist truth than.

Of liyng and true saiyng. 50.

Wyfe, the people are disposed all to lye:
For thou art commended vnyuersallye.
Nay syr: the people to tell truth, are all bolde,
For you are discommended of younge and olde.

Of a dawe pate. 51.

Thou arte a very dawe pate, as euer I sawe.
Sir, in deede the pate is chiefe parte of a dawe:
For when dawes shall appere in any coste,
For all those dawes parts, their dawe pates be moste.

Of water and wyne. 52.

Thou makst curtsy to washe hands with water of mine.
Makyng no curtsy to washe thy mouth with my wine.
But I pray the make this change in this matter?
More curtsy at my wyne, and lesse at my water.

Betwene dogges and a deere. 53.

Set malles asyde: sayde a bucke to a greyhounde.
Beware of pryde: said that dogge to that deere.
Be pacient in trouble: a hounde sayde rounde,
Louyng aduyse to this deere this dyd appeere.
In which counsell geuen, to kyll him they run neere.
Whiche counsayle amounth to this euery man seeth,
Comfort him with their tunges, kyll him with their teeth.

Of twelue and one. 54.

It is twelue a clocke: syr tys more, well ny one.
Is one more then twelue? thats a reason alone.
Sir when the daie to after noone dooth amounte,
One is more then twelue, by our sextens accounte.

Of verdingales. 55.

Alas poore verdingales must lie in the streete:
To house them, no doore in the citee made meete.
Syns at our narow doores they in can not win,
Send them to Oxforde, at Brodegates to get in.

Preceptes of a man to his wyfe. 56.

Stande styll wyfe, I wyll:
Be still wyfe, I nyll.
Now barke wyfe, I wyll:
To warke wyfe, I nyll.
Proue me wyfe, I wyll:
Loue me wyfe, I nyll.
Now chat wyfe, I wyll:
Leaue that wyfe, I nyll.
Keepe chayre wyfe, I wyll:
Speake fayre wyfe, I nyll.

Of an expert man. 57.

Is he such an expert man? an expert man?
Put out that ex, and no man more expert than.

Of deliuerance from yll. 58.

Wyfe, from all euyll, when shalt thou deliuered bee?
Sir, when I (said she) shalbe deliuered from thee.

Of cuttyng of the herbe tyme. 59.

All tymes of the day to night from the pryme,
Thou gardner wylte not leaue cuttyng of tyme.
Thou wylt neuer leaue cuttyng of tyme, I see,
Tyll suche tyme, as tyme, shall in tyme cutte of thee.

Of one fearyng the swette. 60.

Sweatyng sicknes so fearst thou beyonde the marke,
That winter or sommer thou neuer sweatst at warke.

Of one thinkyng on an other. 61.

When doth your maistership thinke on me? euer.
When do you thinke vpon my matter? neuer.
Me ye remember, my matter ye forget:
Remembrance and forgetfulnesse, is wrong set.
For I wolde wishe you rather, if it might bee,
To remember my matter, and forget mee.

Of one beyng at a poynt. 62.

Is he at a poynte with his creditors? yee.
For he is not woorth a pointe they all see.

Of testons. 63.

Testons be gone to Oxforde, god be their speede:
To studie in Brasennose there to proceede.

Of redde Testons. 64.

These Testons looke redde: how like you the same?
Tis a tooken of grace: they blushe for shame.

Of stampyng. 65.

We stampe crabs, we stamp testons: which stamping doone.
We stare vppon Testons now beyond the moone.
Which stampyng of Testons brought it not some skill,
Our staryng on Testons coulde iudge them but ill.
But as the whot sunne melteth snowe away,
So shall whotte fire melt colde Testons, as folke say.
We, for Testons leauyng scoldyng and squaryng.
And on Testons leauyng stampyng and staryng.

Of John longe the carier.

Of what length is Iohn long the carier Prat?
A quarter of a yere long. how prouest thou that?
Therteene weekes past he shuld haue brought me a wat:
But yet long Iohn, Iohn long: with that wat comth nat.
Wherby I Iohn short, am as short to compare,
As Iohn longe by this length is long to declare.
For as Iohn long lurkth to long this wat to fet,
So I Iohn short leape to short this wat to get.

Of turnyng. 67.

Wilt thou vse turners craft still? ye by my trouth.
Much thrift and most suretie in turners craft growth.
Halfe turne or whole turne, where turners be turning,
Turnyng keepes turners from hangyng and burning.

Of master Carter. 68.

Is that gentlemans name master Carter? ye.
How his name and condicions differ now se.
So cunnyng, so cumly, so curteisie, so kinde,
So gentle a gentleman in eche mans minde:
That all men are striken in pitifull wunder,
To see master carter and the carte a sunder.

Of goyng farre. 69.

As he goth farre that neuer doth turne him backe,
So goste thou farre wide: thou neuer turnst againe.
Wher thou goest, or what thou doste, come luck come lacke,
Thy selfe or thy matters foorth they go amaine.
To turne againe no counsayle can thee strayne.
Except thy will shall showe thy witte in the wane,
Finde meanes to take a house in turne againe lane.

How money is made lame. 70.

Money, with couetousnesse thou dost rest so,
That lacke of vse doth lame thee: thou canst not go.
With prodigalitee thou trudgest so fast,
That excesse of to much exercise, doth lame thee at last,
These twoo beyng lame letts of extremitees,
Where woldst thou be lotted to be from both thees?
With liberalitee wolde I be the meane.
With liberalitee? nay he is gone cleane.

Of an olde woer. 71.

Lady I loue you, in way you to wed:
But mine age with your youth disagreeth so,
That if I speake: I thinke not to be sped.
Your age in your sute, is no whit your fo,
To your yeres many, had ye many mo.
We wolde wed the sooner by yeres, showyng plaine,
That I should the sooner be vnwed againe.

Of a yong wooer. 72.

I brought thee late an olde riche widow to woo:
Whom thou mightst haue had, but nought woldst thou thē doo
Nor nought canst thou do now: thrift and thou art od.
For now lieth she speechles at mercy of god.
For the mercy of god bring me now to hir:
I neuer sawe meete time: till now, to woo hir.

Of weakenesse and strength. 73.

Weakenes and strength, here showst thou both in preefe,
Thou art a weake man, and yet a strong theefe.

Warnyng of pride. 74.

Beware of pride, sayst thou to mee?
Let pride, say I, beware of thee.
In euery place thou doost so watche him,
That if pride sturre, thou wilt sure catche him.

Of pacience. 75.

Be pacient in trouble. how can that bee?
Sins out of trouble nothyng pleaseth thee.

Of pleasyng. 76.

Be glad to please, yea be glad to please brother.
But whom? please thy selfe, see thou please none other.

Of a hande gonne and a hande. 77.

Thou hast a good handgoonne: but whats thy hand?
When thou shootst of, out of daunger to stand,
No standyng more sure in any place or plat,
Then to stande close to the marke thou shootst at.

Of brasse and siluer. 78.

Brasse hath beene a loft, with siluer set vp.
Come downe brasse and drinke on an ashen cup.

Of difference betwene wise men and fooles. 79.

Betweene wise men and fooles, among thinges many
This one differth. when both sortes get things any.
Which to their pleasures are pleasantly alloud,
Of those things wun, wise mē are glad, fooles be proud.

Of a pithy witte. 80.

Good god, what a pithy wit hast thou Dicke?
The pith of thy woordes so deepe and so tricke,
Thy woordes so pythily pearse to the quicke,
Pith of no woordes agaynst thy woordes may kicke,
No more then the pith of a goonstone may pricke,
Against the pithy pith of an elder sticke.

Of choise to be a wise man or a foole. 81.

A wyse man or a foole: if thou must be one,
Which woldst thou be in winter, Iohn? a foole Ihone.
Where best men in winter sit next fire from colde,
There stands the foole warme while all his tales be tolde.
Which woldst thou be in sommer, when winter is gon?
A foole. a foole, why? that why showth herevpon.
In sommer when states sit from fire in the coole,
At that boordes end in coole ayre there stands the foole.
Winter and sommer what time men must to wurke,
Which woldst thou be? a foole to looke on and lurke.
All times of the yere for one thing or other,
Better be a foole then a wise man brother.

Of a knightes carterly coller. 82.

I bad this carter bryng my collar of golde:
And he bringth me my horse collar, holde knaue holde.
Sir if I may speake my thought without fearyng,
This collar of both showth best for your wearyng.

Of males and male horses. 83.

Of al horse, a male horse would I not bee.
Where he erst bare one male, now berth he three.
Those are one behinde and one on eche side,
The man, who on the male horse doth ride,
Werth on eche legge, one male for his sloppes are,
Eche one sloppe one male (kindely to declare.)
Longe, round, wyde, weightie as a male eche one.
But all horse are now male horses euerychone.
For euery one horse, bearth twoo males at leaste.
Of male horse and male men, freends heres a feaste.

A man discommended. 84.

Not once a yere ought seene in thee to alowe.
Not once a yere thy knee to god doost thou bowe.
Not once a yere openest thou thy lippes to pray.
Not once a yere showste thou goodnesse any way.
Not once a yere geuest thou almes to the poore,
Not once a yere doost thou repent thee therfore.
But all times a yere thou wouldst all vnderstood.
Thou neuer doost repent, but when thou doost good.

Of runnyng. 85.

In pooste haste run hooreson run. art thou here yet?
Shall I run out of breath? nay run out of thy wit.

Of polling. 86.

Our heads grow to long, god geue our barbers curses.
Our barbers polle no heads, our barbers polle purses.

Of plate lente forth. 87.

Where is thy plate? lent out to a mariage.
Whither? to sainct needs. to whom? to master gage.

Of a man of law and his wife. 88.

You beyng a pleader at law exelente,
Yet hath your wife brought you to an exigent.
Pray hir to let fall thaction at law now,
Or els, so god helpe me, she will ouerlaw yow.

Of pennes and pence. 89.

Pennes and pence, differ far in proporcion.
The penny flat and round, the pen straight and long.
And yet for aydes, in case of extorcion,
Pennes and pence are like in workyng of wrong.

Of a womans thinne tounge. 90.

I neuer saw wife like thine for this thyng: Dicke,
Hir tung woondrous thin, and hir speech wondrous thicke.
Tom, I haue spent much in vaine since she was yong,
To haue hir thicke speeche as thinne as hir tong.
It is the tunge of tunges: Dicke, for runnyng rounde:
I take the tippe for siluer: by the shrill sounde.
It hath Tom, a shakyng sharpe sounde in the eare,
But it is no siluer, wolde god it weare.

Of drinkyng to a man. 91.

I drinke to thee Iohn: nay thou drinkst frō me Ihone.
When thou drinkst to me, drinke for me thou leuest none.

Of runnyng at Tilte. 92.

We apply the spigot, till tubbe stande a tilte.
Ye, ren at the spigot tilt, leaue the speare tilte thou wilte

Of expence. 93.

What may he spend? ten pound a yere he might spend.
Ist morgagde? nay: no man will one peny lende
Upon it. ist solde? nay, no man will bie it.
Then he holdth it: nay, he can not come nie it.
Why foole? how may he spend ten pound by yere tgan?
I said not he may, but he might spende it man.
Meanyng he might spend it, if he had it.
O, if he had it: a sir the diuell mad it.

Of fraying of babes. 94.

When do mothers fray their babes most from duggs.
When they put on blacke scrafs, and go like beare buggs.

Of Reedes and Okes. 95.

Wyll you reedes at the winds will stil make lowe becks?
Wyll you Okes stand stiffe stil while wind breke your necks?
Wyll you reedes, like apes, still tucke & bowe eche ioynt?
Wyll you okes, like asses, still stand stiffe at one point?
Wyll you reedes be still bendyng bowyng bodies?
Wyll you okes be still stoute stiffe necked nodies?
Wyll you reedes be staggeryng still for vayne auayles?
Will you okes be stern still till your tops kisse your tayles?
Will you reedes shrinke still to all windes towardly?
Wyll you okes swell still at all windes frowardly?
Wyll you reedes crouch still to be the winds footestooles?
Wyll you okes crake still to be the winds hed fooles?
Okes wyll doo as we haue doone. so wyll we reedes.
Wherin for our purpose marke what ende proceedes.
In eche one storme a thousand okes downe are blowne
In a thousand stormes not one reede ouerthrowne.

Of biyng a morter. 96.

That spice mortar to sell it be you willyng?
Yea mistres: whats the price? ten shillyng.
Ten shillyng? freende: I am hither entised
To bie a spice morter, not a morter spised.

Of a stepmother. 97.

Thy fathers second wife, thy steppe mother,
For a steppe mother thers not such an other.
At three steppes I saw hir steppe, sins she was wed,
From a stayre foote, straight vp to thy fathers hed.

Of a lyar. 98.

Where doth Frances fabler now lie, Iane?
At signe of the whetstone in double tunge lane.
He lieth by night: and by day dayly hee
Lieth downe right, in what place so euer he bee.
That he lieth still day and night, this thing doth trie,
He neuer speketh woorde but it is a lie.

Of tunges and pinsons. 99.

One difference this is, on which our tunges may carpe,
Betweene pinching pinsons, and tauntyng tunges sharpe.
Where these twoo nippers nip any were or when,
Those pinsons nip dead things, those tunges nip quick men.

Of Heywood. 100.

Art thou Heywood with the mad mery wit?
Ye forsooth maister, that same is euen hit.
Art thou Heywood that applieth mirth more then thrift?
Ye sir, I take mery mirth a golden gift.
Art thou Heywood that hath made many mad plaies?
Ye many plaies, fewe good woorkes in all my daies.
Art thou Heywood that hath made men mery long?
Ye: and will, if I be made mery among.
Art thou Heywood that woulde be made mery now?
Ye sir: helpe me to it now I beseche yow.