 | The Mastive, or Young-Whelpe of the Olde-Dogge |  |
Author pro seipso.
Looke nought for heere of Writers commendation:Ile not be thought one of their Fauour-winners:
Which would to Lamenesse seeme but supportation,
Or as an Offering made for Young-Beginners.
Who knowes not, Tauernes painted Posts, and Signes,
Are but th' attractiues to deceitfull wines?
Ad Bibliopolam.
Printer or Stationer, or what ere thou prooue,Shalt mee record to Times posteritie:
Ile not enioyne thee, but request in loue,
Thou so much deigne my Booke to dignifie;
As first it bee not with your Ballads mixt,
Next, not at Play-houses, mongst Pippins solde:
Then that on Posts, by th' Eares it stand not fixt,
For euery dull-Mechanicke to beholde.
Last, that it come not brought in Pedlers packs,
To common Fayres, of Countrey, Towne, or Cittie:
Solde at a Booth mongst Pinnes and Almanacks;
Yet on thy hands to lye, thoult' say tw'er pittie;
Let it be rather for Tobacco rent,
Or Butchers-Wiues, next Clensing-weeke in Lent.
EPIGRAMS.
A CVLINA AD CVRIAM.
Lixa, that long a seruile Groome hath beene,Will now no more the man be knowne or seene:
And reason good, he hath that place resign'd,
Witnesse his Cloake throughout with veluet lin'd:
Which by a Parradox comes thus to passe,
The greazie Gull is turn'd a gallant Asse.
Fiant, quæ fata uolunt.
Aske swaggring Saltus, Why he beares such sway?He'll answere thus; Things must be as they may.
Aske, How he comes so drunken day by day?
Againe sayes he, Things must be as they may.
Aske him the reason, Why no debts he'll pay?
The same replies, Things must be as they may.
Aske, Why so seldome he desires to pray?
Still he concludes, Things must be as they may.
Thus see you Saltus nothing else will say;
Should he be damn'd, It must be as it may.
Tempus edax rerum.
Heywood was held for Epigrams the best,What time old Church-yard dealt in verse and prose
But fashions since are growne out of request,
As Bombast-Dublets, Bases, and Round-hose.
Or as your Lady, may it now be saide,
That looks lesse louely then her Chamber-made.
Fœmina Quid non?
What dares Gallantus for his Wench not doe?Though it concerne the hazard of his necke:
Aske what shee will, or haue a minde vnto,
He streight procures, and brings her at a becke.
Bid him goe rob a Gold-smiths shoppe for Plate,
Stabbe him that calls her by the name of Puncke;
Beate Constables, or Watch for walking late,
Vndoe a Bawde, or make a Pander druncke:
In briefe what is't, that may to pleasure wooe,
But braue Gallantus for his wench durst doo.
Leui, leuiora.
Madam Fenestra, fearful of her Dyet,Feeds by no meanes on flesh that's tough or olde:
Which brings her queazie stomacke out of quiet,
And therefore pickes on purest can be solde;
Of least-growne Lamb, and tendrest Beefe that's bigge,
The whitest Cow-calfe, and the youngst Sow-pigge.
To Iohn of Paules Church-yarde.
To thee (Braue Iohn) my booke I dedicate,That wilt from A-Iax, with thy force defend it:
And counterchecke each Cocks-combs spleen and hate,
That not good language, or good lookes shall lend it.
Thou placed art as Sentinell, to quaile
Those secret Foes, our dangers shall pretend:
Making their Top-sailes, Flagges, and Bonnets vaile,
Like to the Blocke-house ouer-gainst Graues-ende.
And to conclude, mauger their worst of spite,
Durst bidde the proudest of them all goe—
Subitò responsio leui.
A Doctor being ask't what meanes he knew,Were such as best to opening Physicke drew:
He not to seeke, for sudden answer sayes,
Ther's nothing better then a Bunch of kayes.
Animosus, pediculosus.
Matho from Sea hath such a purchase brought,As is not frequent, or of each man sought:
Which to divulgate, Matho proues not nice,
Nothing, God damne him, but Out-landish Lice.
Detur quod meritum.
Sotvs must now prooue Checquer Clarke at least,That therto hath bin trayn'd twelue yeeres & more:
Nay, in good sadnesse, hee's much more increast,
Considering what he hath beene heretofore:
Why may not Sotus then in case so cleere,
Boldly demand his Calues head euery yeere?
Secreta nostra nobis.
Tassvs from Temple Stayres by water goesTo Westminster, and backe to Temple rowes:
Belike he loues not trot too much the streete,
Or surbait on the stones his tender feete:
Tut come, there's something in't must not be knowne:
But Sir, beleeu't, The debt is not his owne.
Tua logice nostra.
Lvcas on's Lady layes a foule obiection,Saying she weareth not her owne complexion.
But then her Ladyship may say he lyeth,
Is't not her owne I pray you which she buyeth?
Usus promptos facit.
Rachel at first would rayle vpon her man,That scarce knew how to beare himself before her:
Nor almost which way looke or hold her Fan,
But now (thanks Fortune) finely can come o're her.
Si nihil attuleris ibis, &c.
Wat told his wife how much he late had straid,Yet faine would notwithstanding pardoned be:
To whom she ragingly replyde and said,
Think'st with not standing (Slaue) to answere me?
Hath then your Pinnace in those Ports beene landing,
And now puts in prouisoes, notwithstanding?
Indomitis ferendum.
Martinus ouermuch commends his mareTo be the best man ere layd legge vpon:
Wer't not for one defect (a fault that's rare)
Shee's onely subiect to obliuion:
That stumbling headlong in her course amaine,
So soone forgets, as downe she falles againe.
Tempora pro moribus.
Plucke off your Bonnet, you Sir in the feather,And learne to know when Officers passe by:
Thinke you all men hayle fellowes met together?
You would be taught to be more mannerly.
Tut, say you knew him nere so well before,
Will that be now excuse sufficient?
Or say his pleasure be to keepe a whore,
Dare you presume he liues incontinent?
Non nosti Summis vitium preualet?
Et omne maius minus continet?
Domi, & foras Idem.
Ciuis Court being lately bid to dinner,Had thought to make his stomacke lost a winner:
But sitting downe when each had tane his place,
The meat was gone ere Ciuis could say Grace.
Whereat quoth he, a man may boldly say,
From hence the rich are emptie sent away.
Plus Canis ictus amat.
Creta that closely could her secrets couer,Fain'd to be iealous of her loathed Spouse;
Which he beleeu'd (God wot) & more did loue her,
Presuming, London not her like allowes.
Well, goe thy wayes (thought I) hold on thy trade,
Th' art euen the truest he whom God nere made.
Rosa omnibus olet.
Rose is a fayre, but not a proper woman:Can any creature proper be, that's common?
Cælat sua crimina Sanctis.
Cvrta hath now no colour or euasion,To meete or frolicke as time late permitted,
Because her husband barres vp all occasion,
That for such pleasures and aduantage fitted:
Keepes her from going to her childe at nurse,
Denyes accesse vnto her Garden-house:
For which shee giues him many a bitter curse,
And sweares, she not esteemes his threats a Louse.
The best escape her cunning can deuise,
Is once a weeke to Blacke-fryers exercise.
Curanda primum præsentia.
Lettice that late was so resolu'd to marry,On more aduice will now this tweluemonth tarry:
How should she sooner else indeed dispose
Of the young Bastard wherewithall she goes.
Latet Anguis in herba.
When Capring Cosmo comes from dauncing Schoole,He first commaunds the Maide pluck off his Hose:
Next bids her bring a Cushion and a stoole,
On which (she kneeling) rubbes his feete and toes.
That done, hee calls for's night-cap and his gowne,
Fearing the colde might catch him vnaware;
Nor more will walke forth (sayes) that day in towne,
Whence you may gesse, he hath no Coine to spare.
But that's not it, Cosmo to bed is gone,
Causing his shirt be washt that hath but one.
Manus manum fricat.
Balbus his Tennants will no more pay rent,Till for their wiues he first giue them content:
Is't reason Balbus without Coyne disbursing,
Get them with childe, and nere allow for Nursing?
Grauè Condimentum, &c.
Two Gossips lately in contention grewe,Which of the twaine liu'de greatest in esteeme:
And lesse the substance of the other knewe,
Whereby her credit might the better seeme.
Quoth one of them, t'is knowne my charge is such,
In vineger and mustard euery yeare:
Indeed quoth th' other I suppos'd asmuch,
What a deuowring saucie Drabbe you were;
But (which is worse) I heare your Neighbours talke,
The skore runnes yet with Chandlers on the chalke.
Belluinus quotidianus.
Dacus approues, and stoutly stands vpon it,Thers not a man in Middlesex outdrinks him:
And thereto dares he lay all's substance on it,
Hee breathes not mortall, one to one that sincks him.
For Sir beleeu't, there's no day comes about,
But Dacus drinks himselfe a Hogs-Head out.
Utcunque, si des mutuo.
When Dicke wants money, he desires to borowe,No more then (dāme him) hee'l repay to morrowe.
Doceat experientia.
Kate still complaynes her Mother doth her wrong,Causing her keepe her mayden-head so long:
For iudge (quoth she) your selfe, if at my stature
You felt not then the same instinct of nature!
Non propria, quæ Maribus.
Say Besse (quoth Brutus) if thou loue me, so;If not, why so: rush Brutus, thus much know:
Since she to loue in Common first began,
She lou'd not thee: thou art no Common man.
Non omnibus idem.
Young Lalus deales on light commodities,Of choysest Gyrles he safely can bring forth:
But yet respectlesse proues to peoples eyes,
As if he were some great mans sonne of worth.
Consorts with Gallants, stands on's reputation,
Eates of the best and daintiest can be sold:
Scornes to be ranckt with men of occupation,
That are not Gentiles like himselfe enrold.
Aske how he liues; hee tels the vulgar sort,
By play, by knowledge, trauell and commerce,
Of which he makes a sad and long report,
Which they thinke simply, without more reherse:
But to the wise and worthy vnderstander,
He prostrate proues your priuate sports-Commander.
Omnia tempus habent.
How comes it Doll liues so demure of late,That whilome vs'd to frollicke with her friends?
And to be ciuill for awhile intends:
Would any mad Wench presently on mariage,
Proue her selfe pack-horse for each common carriage?
Irati, Implacabiles.
Dicke with his Dogs in such an outrage grew,As which was next him he to hanging drew:
Who looking fearefull, faine would backwards gather,
Nay, vp thou goest (quoth Dicke) and th'wert my Father.
Tempus edax rerum.
Flaminio weares an euerlasting Sute,That would (saith he) all Fashions yet confute:
Wer't not so greazy, and so staind with Wine,
Which he hath dropt vpon since ninetie nine.
In cauda uenenum.
That Finch the Gold-smith hath a fayre young wife,It needs no doubt; ther's none but might her loue;
Then wer't not shame and pitty of her life,
If from a Gold-Finch she a Wag-taile proue?
Nemo omnibus horis sæpit.
Cucullus , carefull of his reputation,Chose euermore your priuat'st sporting house:
Which least might bring his name in defamation,
Or to succeeding times proue dangerous:
But see how well he could occasions quench,
And yet be taken with a Begger-wench.
Multi uidentur & non sunt.
Call Clinias Coward, he outragious than;Dares to aduenture life with any man.
Prouided he be not's superiour,
His vnderling or base inferiour,
Nor yet his fellow: for saith Clinias,
Should any of these euils come to passe,
Tis ten to one the quarrell neuer ends;
If I kill him, hee'l kill me by his friends,
Or if my Vassall; conquest is not much,
A noble minde disdaines to fight with such:
And if my fellow; Wisedome tells too late,
True fellowship consists in Loue, not hate:
Bring Clinias one that is not of these three,
And then to fight ther's none so bold as he.
Frustra uocaueris Heri.
Dicke had but two words to maintaine him euer,And that was Stand, and after Stand, Deliuer;
But Dick's in New-gate, and hee feares shall neuer,
Be blest againe, with that sweete word Deliuer.
Post gaudia luctus.
Three Trades-men & their wiues went all to Douer,To see the Monuments of Iulius Cæsar:
From whence to Paris would they next post ouer,
And not disswaded be by King nor Keysar:
But spent two hundred pounds on idle motions,
That now in Ludgate liue by mens deuotions.
Rumpit suo pondere pondus.
Iane from the lustice cannot be acquitted,Whose Sonne hath deeply vpon her committed.
Filius ex puluere Patris.
Milo grew sicke because his Dad left giuing,In which consumption he had dyed out-right,
Had not his death at last put him in liuing,
By which good fortune he is dub'd a Knight.
Vnhappy Sonne, to draw that vitall breath,
Who like a Pellican liu'st by his death.
In Zoylum.
Zoylus , I heare you take my Rymes in snuffe,Crie fie, t'ls Ribaldrie, or some such stuffe:
But Zoylus know, I scorne to deale with you,
He writes foule stuffe that treates of your base crewe.
Uera filia Patris.
Why striues young Gallatèa, for the wall?If needs you'l know the cause (qd. one) you shall:
Her Father was a Mason, and they say,
It makes her Ladyship leane much that way.
Cupiens culpare, nescit.
Dorus disdaines these Epigrams I make,Saying they sauour not of ought that's in them:
Nay, which is more then that, hee'll vndertake
They are but stinking stuffe ere you begin them:
And yet before (quoth he) they fauour'd not:
See how the buzzard talkes he knowes not what!
Malum optanti gratum.
A Wanton Dame that of her Spouse repented,(Because he would her now and then displease,)
That he was hang'd or drown'd beyond the Seas:
Who dreading nought, ask't what might worse ensue,
For this she thought was too good to be true.
Uirescit curua Senectus.
Claudus with age and sickness long declining,That had a Letcher bene in time of yore:
Spying a Lasse passe by him; spake thus whyning,
To one that led him, There's a lusty Whore.
Commune diuersorium Meritrix.
If Phœdra were but halfe so chaste as faire,So kinde as coye, and but so wise as wittie:
Shee would the ruines of her House repaire,
That rent and torne, lye prostrate neere the Cittie.
Where all that trauell, and are come from farre,
May freely enter without bolt or barre.
Saltim uideri cupit.
Signior Fantasmo that Capricious youth,Posting to London, lights vpon these Rimes:
And tells the Stationer for simple truth,
They are but froth and excrements of times.
Who for his purpose no such Pamphet needed;
And (but an Asse) had long ere now proceeded.
Frustrá laues Æthiopum.
Pontus that poore and quondam scuruie Scribe,Rays'd from the rust of rude rascallitie:
Nowproling prooues the proudest of his Tribe,
Yet still a Cullion will he liue and die.
Ex ouibus opes.
That Notus should so neerely liue twas strange,Who died the richest Marchant vs'd the Exchange:
Yet on the matter was no Marchant nether,
His substance came by Sheepe-skinnes altogether.
Domina dominatur Ancillæ.
Maud with incessant termes reuiles her maid,Hast not bene warnd (qd. she) of this before?
How oft haue I this geere vppon thee laid,
Say; Canst deny't? Art not an arrand whore?
Yes (qd. the Maid) forsooth it's partly true,
Else should I be more honest thought then you.
Admoniti fœlices.
Matura wearie of the Countrie life,Complaines her Husband nere to London brought her:
That hath this twelue-month prou'd his honest wife,
And not consented scarce to one that sought her.
But bids him roundly herewith looke vnto it,
Be hee a Tinker next that comes shall doe it.
Causidici non semper beati.
Lentus the Lawyer prayes the Terme were ended,That hath not for this fortnight got one Fee:
Nor ought effected as his hopes intended,
And yet in Commons must for custome bee:
But if his takings still proue such as these,
Let them (qd. Lentus) packe to Hell that please.
Stant que probatæ.
Gorgonius surfet may with cordiall food,Able, reuiue him, and restore his blood:
But alls in vaine, no Pnisicks Art will doe it,
His wife 'fore any Doctor dares stand to it.
Funis multorum Finis.
Lanista many Sonnes adopted had,Whome still he vs'de to title as his owne:
And they as duely likewise call'd him Dad,
But were on sudden all disperst vnknowne.
Till when Lanista walking Holborne, spide,
Two of his Broode in Carts for Tyborne bound:
Who to their Syre with woefull Farwell cride,
No more may wee your Sonnes on earth be found.
Yea (qd. Lanista) goes that way the game?
I knew not erst what of my Sonnes became.
Durum telum necessitas.
Laurence his light and late made Sommer-weede,Will now this winter stand him in no steed:
But must be forthwith forst, though nere so loath,
To chop with Brokers for a sute of cloath.
Ebria, minus curiosa.
Luxurie to accomplish his desire,Makes his Wench drunke, would you the cause enquire?
Hee's so deformd, as not a common-Punck,
But would detest him, if shee were not drunck.
Chara nimis uoluptas.
Syr Ralphe resolues to leaue this Coourt-like state,And liue i'th Countrey at a lower rate:
Is it not reason he be close and neare,
That hath but bare one hundred marks a yeare?
Besides the money which his Knight-hood spent him,
Not yet repaide, that so long since was lent him?
Ut Tempora, Mores.
In Times of yore, was neither Bond nor Bill,For each would then his word, by word fulfill:
Till when crept in this strange Catastrophe,
As some for conformation, wrote Per me.
Which now say Scriueners, non est ita mos,
It must be Nouerint per presentes nos.
Nuptiæ post Nummos.
There was a Time when Men for loue did marrie,And not for Lucre sake, as now we see:
Which from that former Age so much doth varie,
As all's for what youl giue? or nought must bee.
So that this ancient word call'd Matrimony,
Is whollie made A matter now of Mony.
Sero uocaberis Heri.
Luke that in Lattine lately scorn'd to looke,Would now read English, might hee haue his booke.
Tonsores minus ditiores.
Cutbert admires how Lawyers get so much,And that his commings in should not be such:
Who hath beene knowne a Poler and a Shauer
These fortie yeers, yet nere could proue a Sauer.
Sublata causa tollitur, &c.
Marcus hath all madde companie forsworne,All sorts of of wine, all womens vaine enticing:
All exercise, all pleasures quite forborne;
All hunting, hawking, bowling, carding, dicing,
His Purse (the maine of all) hath tane infection,
And all that Doll can doe moues no erection.
Pro causa ut suprà.
Galfridus takes Tobacco all in snuffe,Who nere could any from his nosthrills puffe;
Since the Low-Countrey-warres of late consign'd him,
To leaue at least his Smelling-sense behind him.
Ebrius dissimulans.
Battus though bound from drinking wine of late)Can thus farre with his Oath equiuocate:
He will not drinke, and yet be drunke ere noone,
His manner is to eate it with a spoone.
Tandem potiuntur Achiui.
Zanthus was zealous bent, but could not pleaseHis Ladie Mistresse, he so long had serued:
Nor by his best attendance once, but ease
Or stay his stomacke, if he should haue starued.
Till forst with Famine, found her in that snare,
Which since to silence Zanthus takes his share.
Fronti, nulla fides.
Doll in disdaine, doth from her heeles defie,The best that breathes shall tell her blacks her eye:
Aand that it's true shee speaks, who can say nay?
When none that lookes on't, but will sweare t'is gray.
Minus domi Hystriones.
Mistresse Fardella feard shee should conceiue,Before the time in wedlocke state could linck her:
Which would Fardellas fortunes quite bereaue,
Therefore resolu'd, on sudden doth bethinck her.
Gainst when the Midwife might in child-bed lay her,
To shrowde a while, for shelter with a Player.
Nondum Dœmone dignus.
Tagus was told had got the Diuell and all,In that his substance did so much excell:
It may (qd. Tagus) proue in time I shall,
Get what's sufficient, though not thriue so well.
Non semper inscipiens.
Kester can court his Mistresse, would you knew it,Weare hansom cloaths, pledge healths, or breake a iest;
Drink drunke with any man, & neuer spue it,
Or take Tobacco with the prowdst and best.
Had they but kept him one yeare more at's Grammer,
You should haue found him then no Nimhammer.
Laudes cùm labe.
Caius commends his Sister many wayes,To be the myrror of admired praise:
Wert not for two foule reasons that ensue,
Shee's somtimes drunck, and playes the double(w.)
Fas per inscipientem.
Who dares say Doltus speaketh barbarisme,That schollerlike can make a Syllogisme?
Can cap a Verse which may deserue commend,
And hath his Grammer rules at's fingers ende.
Can write a Pistell to his Dad in Lattin,
And one day hopes to weare a sute of Sattin.
Yea, make his mother blest that ere shee bore him,
For of his age, fewe yet haue gone before him:
I meane for Tallnes of his lymbs and bone,
At grasse time next, full grown to twenty one.
Experientia nimis.
Wat will no more in Wedlocke bands be tyde,That thereof hath too much experience tryde:
And durst a Noble to a nutshell wage,
The next Wife makes him fall in surplusage.
Non omnia possumus omnes.
Though Petrus nere could Epigrams compose,Nor is your perfect Poêets Imitator:
Yet well the world may see he writes in Prose;
Ergò no Cobler, but a true Translator.
Nequicquam Ueneri uerba.
Will wooes his wench with wordes of Eloquence,Praying he might her corps enthalamize:
And of his loue impart that influence,
Which with her liking best may simpathize.
She, who regardlesse at his speech doth spurne,
Saith; T'is not words of Art must serue her turne.
Optimus in pessimis.
Valesco mounts vpon the wings of Fame,For an admyr'd report and matchles name:
That Courting can convince your coyest Punck,
And drinck e're midnight healths yet not be drunck.
Diaboli pœnitentes.
Come; What shall's doe (qd. Ned) this afternoone?That hath at Noddy neither lost nor wonne:
Theres not a Play (saith hee) worth looking on,
And Mistris Moll from Clarkenwell is gone.
Troth let's doo once what no man would coniecture,
Turne honest for an houre, and heare a Lecture.
Ultra posse negatur.
Histrix hath felt himselfe long ill at ease,But thereon durst not to the world complaine;
Hoping the times would all things well appease,
And eke restore his former health againe,
But t'would not doe: so that perforce aduizde,
Histrix (God help him) must be circumcis'de.
Infirmis experientia.
Old Cresus stands vpon his tackling stout,He can as well as ere hee cold hould out:
To whome his wife sayes, men may laugh that win,
Pray tell me Syr, Can you as well hold in?
Uiliora Utiliora.
Podrus but practiz'd when he first was young,To write and reade, and cast vp some Accounts:
Nor cares a louse (saith he) for th' Lattine tongue,
Which would not gaine him halfe that now amounts.
For if (qd. Podrus) Shoo-makers excell,
Why may not then our Coblers doe as well.
Qui Latrans, modo mordens.
Blandus I heare will proue a Byter knowne,That gently vs'd of late to fawne and cogge:
If Blandus then, be such a byter growne,
What kinne is Blandus to my Mastyf-dogge?
Uiuit ut edat.
When Gluto goes to dine at th' Ordinarie,To stay his stomacke eates a crust and drinks:
Then call's for victuals, sweares he cannot tary,
Which till it comes, a month each minute thinks:
Then sits him downe, and takes the highest place,
Puts salt on's Trencher, cuts a loafe in twayne,
And nere remembers ought of saying Grace,
The sight of meate so captiuates his brayne:
Whereto he lurching, so about him layes,
As must suffice him for at least two dayes.
Stimulat, ignota Cupdo.
Svsan , for spight she could not be espouz'dBefore her Sister, who is three yeeres younger,
Resolu'd her selfe at last, from dulnesse rouz'd,
To tell her Mother she could stay no longer;
Nor all this while her time had so mispent,
But that she knew no sooner what it meant.
Opinio maior Veritate.
Ienkin that iealous liu'd without deserts,Was told by one his Wife had worthy parts:
At which he ten times more outragious swore,
How should her parts be knowne, she not a (------)
Aperit sua crimina somnis.
Ivdith is growne (God blesse her) such a Bride,For face and feature, and in truth excells:
Worthy to solace by the best mans side,
Throughout that Streete and Parish where she dwells:
Wer't not for one defect, confounds all this,
She vseth nightly in her bed to ------.
In Rosa Spina.
Young Mistrisse Ioice is, without iesting, fayre;How can she choose, hauing a flexen hayre?
A necke so white, and a more pleasing eye
Then any Wench you lightly can espie.
Uide, tace.
Seruus hath seene his Ladies secrecies,Which for his eares he durst not patronize,
Much lesse presume to make least enterprize,
Onely to whistle may the tune suffice.
Non suo se pendebit Capistro.
Paulus no Purse about him loues to cary,Least to himselfe he should prooue accessarie,
For much spent charges, which were meerely lost,
Knowing he shall be drunke at others cost.
Suam nouit Infirmitatem.
Iosephus crau'd he might haue conferenceWith Parnell in her chamber all alone;
But Parnell pray'd she might therein dispence,
For in her chamber must she talke with none:
Partly through feare she should be won with pelfe,
But most because she durst not trust her selfe.
Hoc proprium nobis.
Francis hath got a vaine and foolish vse,Practiz'd so long, as now he cannot leaue it;
Which grew at first by being too profuse
In his expences, (so you must conceiue it:)
For well the reckning may you pay without him,
So seldome beares he purse or coyne about him.
Huic habeo non tibi.
Fye on thee Milo, how the poore abhorre thee,That still wilt answer them, I haue not for thee:
When all thy kindred knowes, who thee condemne,
Thou hast it for thy Drabs, but not for them.
Idem per huiusmodi.
A nice young Dame that long'd for dainty Cates,With her that sold them thus expostulates:
My Nose (I hope) shall be my Cooke (quoth she)
Mine Arse (quoth th' other) may your Kitchin be.
Aut caste, aut caute.
Rachell hath reason not to liue in Common,Thereby to shew her selfe a noted sinner:
But rather like a close and ciuill woman,
That to the Game seemes still a young beginner:
And not detected of her whorist life,
May proue in time some honest Tradesmans wife.
Oscula qui sumpsit, &c.
Iacke still abiures it to his commendation,Hee's yet a maide without equiuocation;
That being woo'd by Wenches would resist them,
And neuer dealt with any but he kist them.
Plus scælera nocte.
Sil. for his Wiues sake much Tobacco sells,That must assist him daily in his shop:
And occupie her selfe in nothing else,
But Pipes for Gentlemen to sill and stop:
Which she neglects not whiles the day giues light,
And burnes them as occasion serues at night.
Viuens, mortuus.
Mounseir Scuerus since his Office lost,Wherein he liu'd of late a great Commander,
Walks discontented like the angry Ghost
Of proud Tarquinius, or Pope Alexander:
Whom fates enuying, should from vpstart rise,
So puld him downe, as now he liuing dies.
Et penna & poculo.
Columbus executes his Masters place,Where he hath plodding beene twice ten yeeres space:
But simple howsoe'r the world may thinke him,
Ther's not a Clarke mongst twenty dares out drink him.
Patientia Vendicta.
Cucullus euermore will carrie swayOuer his wife in strangers company:
And on her lips his loathed fingers lay,
Which patient she puts vp in policy:
But with her selfe resolu'd in secret vowes,
To pay him next day soundly on the browes.
Fœnum, dum cœlum cerenum.
Trocus in Tauernes twice a day must bowze it,And belch Tobacco on his Clients purses:
No matter Trocus, 'tis thy place allowes it,
Though like the Foxe' canst not escape from curses.
Who euer saw that Clarke like thee deputed,
But had his fingers with purloyne polluted?
Pulchrior infælicior.
Fine Mistrisse Fedra famously accounted,Minding for recreation take the ayre,
went in her Coach through London brauely mounted,
(For what should Fedra of the Fates despayre?)
Strange and admirde, which might amaze the hearer,
That her owne horses must to Bridewell beare her.
Secundæ cogitationes meliores.
A pamphlet was of Prouerbs pend by Polton,Wherein he thought all sorts included were:
Vntill one told him, Batew'an ace quoth Bolton:
Indeed (said hee) that Prouerbe is not there.
Vt nasus, notus.
Olde Publius Naso hath compoz'd a Play,Of such a plot, as few or none that view it
But will auouch he writes not euery day,
Nor as the times of late (I would you knew it)
The best in London payes for his inuention,
Knowne to be simply such as needes no mention.
Ad Lectorem.
Reader, these Epigrams long since compos'd,Should nere by my consent haue beene disclos'd:
Much lesse at latter Lammas com'd in print,
Had not the Stationer or the Diuell beene in't.
Grauidæ formidiores.
Darkas cannot endure to see a Cat,A brest of Mutton, or a Pigs head gaping:
A Beare, a Bull, a Weazle or a Rat,
No, nor the skreeking noyse of Kettles scraping:
Yet could imbrace a naked Cariball,
And nere be mou'd or frighted once withall.
Confesse, and be hang'd.
Tom stretcht his necke for stealing of a Mare,And yet Ile proue he was not hang'd for stealing:
For had he not beene taken vnaware,
And so conuicted by his owne reuealing,
He might haue scapt the Gallowes, gone his way,
And still remain'd a Thiefe vntill this day.
Fama Alimentum.
Dacus could giue good words, what ere was due,Whereby his credit lesse in question grew,
Till base-borne Tapsters, without feare or grace,
Must call him Banckrout 'fore his neighbours face.
Omnia uenalia Romæ.
Cacus at first durst scarce kisse Mistrisse Anne,But could at last to giue consent assaile her:
Who more respecting's money then the man,
Ask't (hauing pur'st it) Are you not a Taylor?
How? 'sfoot (quoth Cacus) then for coyne I see,
Taylors with Gentlemen must equall bee.
Aliqui fructus maturiores.
Frera , the forward'st of ten thousand Gyrles,Wish't she had beene at foureteene made a Page:
To haue attended vpon Lords and Earles,
That vnder Knights had seru'd at younger age.
Edificium latrocinium.
A tennant by his Lease being bound to build,Of Timber-loggs his Land-lord had beguil'd,
Which he perceiuing, 'gins with threats discusse,
The danger of the Law that vs'd him thus.
Alas (quoth he) 'twas done for my reliefe,
Besides, you know Sir, Building is a thiefe.
Nocte latent menda.
Mistrisse Roxana by no meanes enduresThe Curtaines of her Bed or Window drawne;
Which to her eyes (saith she) much hurt procures,
And therefore hides them with a vayle of Lawne.
But if you needes will haue the truth reueal'd,
Her Nose that's sunke of late must be conceal'd.
Stante te stabit uxor.
Lippus the Banckrout hath a bounsing Wife,That would be chaste, were he but halfe so wise:
And yet the Buzzard, for auoyding strife,
Liues in a Lane obscur'd from watchfull eyes.
Tut, Lippus be content, and beare withall,
For if thou canst not stand, she needes must fall.
Leuia perdit quò lucret maiora.
A wager on a Knight, of late was tride,He should not beare ten pounds from out Cheape-side,
Vnlesse some Citizen holpe with his hands,
To whom already he was bound in bands.
Which well the Knight perceiu'd, else nere had done it,
So that he lost his wager, and yet won it.
Puduit sua damna referre.
Svch ill successe had Dick at Dice last night,As he was forst next day play least in sight:
But if you loue him make thereof no speeches,
He lost his Rapier, Cloake, and veluet Breeches.
Strenuis, uideri satis.
When boasting Bembus challeng'd is to fight,He seemes at first a very Diuell in sight:
Till more aduizde, will not defile hands,
Vnlesse you meete him vpon Callice sands.
Chara nimis amicitia.
Milo thinks much I should his loue inherit,Saying, it's more then my deserts can merit:
Indeed hee speaks Probatum est vnto me,
For t'is so great as t'would in time vndo me.
In lingua, Patrià.
Petrus espying late a youth passe by,Richly appareld, whom he knew but poore:
Began to censure with him doubtfully,
Whether it were the same he saw before.
Till hearing him, in's language lay the law,
Was sure t'was then the self-same Cornish-daw.
Sæpius soluas si saltabis.
Planus his money payd would faine be quiet,That pensiue erst grew then more vext with woe:
As scarce it could permit him time to diet,
For posting bout each office too and fro.
Who for'st to daunce attendance durst not rest,
Vntill the Pipe hath plaide Quietus est.
Crescit furore Impudentia.
Toruus will yet againe exceptions take,And sweares that by's drink heel not endure these Rimes:
Fye Toruus, let not men for manners sake,
Be made acquainted with thy shamefull crimes.
But thowlt alledge the Bastard is not thine,
I should not keep't then, if the case were mine.
Uisu, si non Auditu.
Prudence , reproou'd for walking in Moorefields,Straight from her Apronstrings this reason yeelds:
Though Women more then Men are thence debard,
T'is reason some be seene, because not heard.
Fumus inimica Formæ.
Madam Uentosa carefull of her health,In haste post haste the Countrey ayre desires:
Sweating sheel not endure for Londons wealth,
Another winter of these Sea-cole Fires.
Whose noysome fume worst then the foulst infection,
Had almost spoyld her Ladyships complexion.
Cliricus natura.
Olde Tristram thought it well and wisely done,With an Exchequer man to place his Sonne:
But Tristram had therein of wit no sparke,
To spoyle so good a Clowne for such a Clarke.
Multorum Pignora pondus.
Pignus the Broker pil'de vp hath his Hall,With pawnes of persons Alphabeticall:
Kept as his prisoners, & his owne doth deeme them,
Till Bankroutes, Beggars, Bawdes, and Drabbes redeeme them.
Arbora per Fructus.
Fine Mistresse Phippes, a proper Friend of mine,Wore on her brest a paper Ualentine:
Who by a Mad cap one day being met,
Askt her, Faire Lady, Is this House to Let?
Magnis mirabile.
Saltus so many sorts of Sutes would weare,As once a weeke, he must be new inuested:
Which made him proudly to the world appeare,
(For nere was Saltus vntill now Arrested.)
Strange on a sudden that a man of might,
Should breechlesse liue, obscur'd from out of sight.
Alienis Fortunatus.
Produs the Scriuener many a pound hath spent,Vpon procurements by him caus'd been lent:
But with Prouiso, will hee first indent,
You must in Prasto, giue him good content,
Potens in poculis.
George will auouch it vpon deepe foundation,That drinking store of wine hath made him wiser,
And more expert in matters variation,
As hee's become a kinde of wits deuiser;
How he may cheating gull his Friends with Oathes,
And fetch his Taylor off for more new cloathes.
Nimis docuit Consuetudo.
Olde Fucòs Board is oft replenished,But nought thereof must be diminished:
Vnles some worthles vpper dish or twaine,
The rest for seruice still againe remaine.
His man that vs'de to bring them in for show,
Leauing a dish vpon the bench below:
Was by his Maister (much offended) blam'de,
Which he as briefe with answer bluntly fram'de;
'Tath bene zo often broft avorc this day,
As now chad thoft it zelfe had knowne the way.
Par pari refert.
Tobie with's wife, at Ticktack often playes,Who much ore-seeing, takes her many wayes:
And yet hee proues the greater ouerseer,
Shee could, but will not aske him, Why not heere?
Rogandum coactus.
Fessus desires all sutes of Law might cease,For being Outlaw'd, faine would liue in peace.
Sero Pœnitentia seuo.
A Seriant that fell sicke tooke late remorce,On many Prisoners hee had plagu'd by force:
And now would free them from the Counter-hole,
But that Too late; thinks t'will not helpe his soule.
Non Morbus, sed Dolor.
A Doctor tolde his Patient Omphida,The paine shee felt was a Scyatica:
Which she not perfect how to nominat,
Mistaking; Cryes: Oh my Certificat!
Nullum stimulum Ignauis.
Cæcus awak't, was tolde the Sunne appeard,Which had the darknes of the morning cleard:
But Cæcus sluggish thereto makes replie,
The Sunne hath further farre to goe then I.
Ad Momum.
Cease prethee Momus, bite thy malice in,Tut man, I knowe thou hast a diuellish wit:
Able to poze the wisest of thy kin,
But Momus then thou should'st not boast of it.
Or say, thou worke the worst thou canst intend,
That done, goe hang thy selfe, and ther's an end.
Humilis Sublimis.
Kate , seeming curious in her conuersation,Scorns you should kisse her hand or tye her shoo:
Which shee accounts as great an imputation,
As any worst of wrong you else can doo.
So high shee vaunts her selfe aboue the Skyes,
And yet full lowly on a Straw-bed lyes.
Seruus dominatur Domino.
Susan hath seru'd this yeare and halfe for nought,Making still good, things broken, stolne, or lost:
Which with her wages must anew be bought,
That doe amount vnto no little cost.
But Susan now hath found a meanes for all,
What time her Mistresse goes abroad (olde Trot)
To yeeld herselfe vnto her Masters call,
And make him Father what another got.
Who rather chose, then Law the Case should handle,
To pay a hundrd pounds for sope and candle.
Tandem aperta Reclusa.
Bettrice debard from sport, with one that lou'd her,Was kept seuerely vnder bolt and locke:
Who notwithstanding when occasion mou'd her,
Crept forth at th' window, nightly in her smocke.
But from her Father fortie weekes conceald it,
Vntill the Bastard cride, and so reueald it.
Suauiora Digniora.
Young Mistresse Minea findes her selfe agrieued,In that her Husband keepes her not in fashion,
And therefore will by others be relieued,
Who on such creatures take farre more compassion.
No flesh shee feares to feede on out of sight,
Knowing her good-man picks the bones at night.
Uenditur ut Emitur.
Darcas will doo with Knight or GentlemanWhat shall be reason, more then which shee dares not:
And that's as much as any woman can,
Vnles be such as for her credit cares not.
Then if these pleasures without feare ensue,
What thereto longs (qd. Darcas) pray iudge you?
Meritrix absentè Marito.
Susan with sundry cunning slights and trickes,Gulls her Good-man that dominering swaies:
Nor will her eyes other obiects fixe,
Whiles in her companie the Cockscomb staies.
Who gone, shee cannot for her life refraine,
But needs must laugh, till downe shee falls againe.
Nocte latent mende.
When bounsing Bettrice minded is to sport,She closely steales out of her dores at night:
And couets most mongst strangers to resort,
That least may be discernd by Candle-light,
For chiefe respects which might her much disgrace,
Besides her Perriwigge, and pocky face.
Ad Iohannem Bradshaw, Sede cariensem.
Not that to mee thou ere wert Friend or Foe,Nor that I seeke heereby t'insinuate:
Nor that thou wouldst the world thy worth shuld know,
Which Ile not blaze, nor yet expostulate.
Onely repute thee one amongst those Clarks,
Gainst whom my Mastiue neyther bytes nor barks.
In Obitum alicuius.
Lampus extinct at last in Ashes lyes,Who when hee liu'd did nought but Gormandize:
On choycest cheere, and Bolles fill'd to the brim,
Which fedde him fatte, for worms that feede on him.
Plus decus Honori.
Pierce grown to yeares, maintain's a Page at's heelesThat must attend, and tell him what's a clocke:
When hee from Trulls & Tauernes homeward reeles,
And in short time consum'd and spent his stocke.
Yet biddes prouide gainst night some other toye,
Whiles belching hee repose his head that's giddie;
Then waking calls, Fill some Tobacco Boye:
That done, Goe see if Supper be made readie.
Which hee not hauing wherewith to discharge,
(Nor daring futther runne vpon the score:)
Intreats the Uintner with discourse at large,
Vpon his Cloake to lend him so much more.
Nor meanes hee thence till midnight part away,
And keepe his bedde vntill next Quarter day.
Efficit prostrata, nummus.
Whē Iaques from th' Exchange goes home to sup,And findes his Wife drunke on her pillow laid:
He patiently prepar'd to put it vp,
Encounters with blacke Kate his Kitchin maid:
Who tells him, shee'll no longer serue his turne,
Vnlesse his Master-ship more crownes disburse,
And therefore bids him make her not forsworne,
But presently dispatch and draw his purse:
Which done, she flatly to her businesse falles,
And nere ariseth till her Mistrisse calles.
Subita, magis quærenda.
Mat. with his Man late set on meriment,And therewith trying by some tricke to flout him:
Spying his Dogge that to sir-reuerence went,
Ask't if he had not Pen and Inke about him.
Yes, said his man (and wherefore makes he doubt?)
To write (quoth's Master) what my Dogge layes out.
Pecunia, uirum.
A Usurer waxt worth ten thousand pound,Which with extortion he had gayn'd of late:
For purchase should of certaine Lands be bound
Vnto a Knight that knew not his estate:
But to a Scriuener dwelling neere him goes,
And for aduise therein his counsell takes,
Knowing he could the truth thereof disclose:
Who whispring in his eare, this answere makes,
You neede not Sir, the matter further scan,
For Ile assure you hee's a right good man.
Plus mendax, Mendicus.
Dacus giues out for payment of his debts,He shall a wondrous wealthy Widdow wed:
Which 'mongst his Creditors much hope begets,
That constant are 'twill be accomplished.
Meane while young Dacus takes vp ten times more,
Tells them the mariage day is short at hand,
When hee'll no lesse then double all restore,
Which neede no question now of Bill or Band.
But Dacus makes it a more gulling toy,
Then that old Cosenage of new Englands-ioy.
Detur laus digniori.
Mistrisse Marina 'mongst some Gossips sat,Where Faces were the subiect of their chat:
Some lok't too pale, some seem'd too firie red,
Some browne, some blacke, and some ill fashioned.
Good Lord (quoth she) you all are much too blame,
Let's loue and prayse the Maker of the same.
Her Chamber-mayd who heard her, standing by,
Said, Then loue me, for that you know was I.
Nil perdunt mendici.
Iack's wondrous sicke, who thinks hee shall goe mad,And lose his wits (a thing Iacke neuer had:)
Take comfort man, if that be all thou fearest,
A groat will pay thy losse when witts are dearest.
Formosa fœtida.
I met with Martha, and fayn'd would haue kist her,who turn'd her cheeke, which made me that I mist her:
She spar'd her lipps, because her breath was tainted,
And I her cheekes, because I fain'd them painted.
Since then at first, we had no better greeting,
Your hand (quoth I) shall serue at our next meeting.
Materia pro forma.
Lucina hath a Loue whose name is Goose,A propper Lad, well borne, and wondrous spruce:
She likes the man, but cannot brooke his name,
If that be all (sweete Luce) you are too blame.
The man you may commit into your hands,
For why, the Babes he gets may prooue all Swans,
Sero, si non subito.
Lorellus by the Law condemn'd to dye,Sent his sicke water to a Doctor nigh:
And proffer'd him an hundred pound for's paine,
If by his Art hee might but's life obtaine.
The Doctor vnderstanding of his crime,
Wil'd him with patience to endure a time;
And send againe when th' Moone was in the change,
Meane while Lorelius must to Tiburne range.
Tria, uertit in unum.
Festinus now in hast resolues to thriue,Ere Christmas next, and honestly will wiue:
Sweares by his locks hee'll ramble then no more,
But keepe him close to's wife, and's friend, not's whore.
Insooth Festinus, 'twere discreetly done,
For hauing charge, to haue all three in one.
Secreta sua sibi.
Lettice hath left the towne: but who knowes why?Some say to take the ayre, and see a friend:
I heard as much; but knew it was a lye,
Her businesse tended to another end.
No Doctor heere can cure her, shee's so ill,
Old Mother-Midwife hath therein more skill.
Pluma, quid leuius?
What if Pondexus Wife be light? how then!Must she be taunted at by euery Iade?
This is the fault of foolish vaine women,
That will be diuing in their neighbours trade.
Pen: is a Feather-maker, and by right
His Wife, like to her Wares may prooue as light.
Ad Samuelem.
My sute's to you (Sam) 'pray deny it not:If you remember't, you a Bracelet got
From your sweete Mistrisse; 'faith restor't againe,
Twill doe her pleasure now: for to be plaine,
She hath so great a losse had in that kinde,
As in the world she knowes not where to finde
One silly hayre of her owne simple breede;
Then helpe her now, that holpe you at your neede.
A malo ad peius.
Priseus though nere so poore, yet herein ioyes,He once was Captaine of the Roaring-boyes:
And worthy then durst challenge as his due,
The chiefest place amongst those damned crew,
That with vnbutning could carouse a quart,
Drinke drunke, and sober, sixe times ere he part:
Knocke at each Gate at midnight on command,
And make the Porter stand with cap in hand,
Supposing him a man of that regard,
As scornes to passe not giuing good reward.
When he (poore Rascall) but a rambling goes,
And now in Limbo lowzy lies, God knowes.
Dubitat mens conscia recti.
Why should Sir Pandrus so impatient be,As needes hee'll call in question who I am:
That durst presume on such a one as he,
To write a Satyre or an Epigram.
Let me Sir Pandrus, tell you this for true,
I am not such a slandrous knaue as you imagin.
Nemo odit quod nescit.
Young Fawnus spends thrice fortie pounds a yeare,True Demonstration that hee'l nere be thriftie:
But what need Fawnus Fates or Fortunes feare,
Thats yet not fourteene, and his Dad past fiftie.
Who simply pard'ning any worst of merit,
Will nere his first borne Bastard disinherit.
Sine Flamma combustus.
Marcus came vp to see the Monuments,The Tower, the Lyons, and the new Exchange:
The Water-works, and lofty London-Rents,
With other sights, that seem'd to Marcus strange.
But mongst the rest that likewise did abouud,
Nere thought on Fyre-works, which he first here found
Uritur Importunitate.
A lustie Lasse, but loose, not worth the naming,went down the staires wheron she feard to stumble
And holding in her hand a Candle flaming,
Was by a iolly Lad intic'de to iumble.
Who when at first he gan her roughly handle,
Away shee cride: Now fie how you abuse mee:
And therewith vowing, swore: Now by this Candle,
Ile burne you Sir (if thus you striue to vse mee.
Hee blew the Candle out, to breake her vow,
But shee performd her Oath; imagine how.
Facilis Generosus.
Who sayes Humfridus is not gentle borne?Did not Crispinus beat him th' other morne?
And hee it gently tooke, without resisting?
Then let him passe, and leaue your further iesting.
Hee that for blowes hath halfe so good disgestion,
Must needes proue Gentleman without all question.
Dulce Bellum inexpertis.
Mounsieur Securus, prowde as any hee,Pray's still for Warre and braue Hostilitie:
But hee's no better then a barking Dogge,
Or rather as a painted skipping Frogge,
That bragges it out with borrowed brauerie,
Warre is no colour for such knauerie.
How can he thinke to hurt his Enemie,
When all his Weapons are at Surgerie?
In Amorosum.
Had I not vow'd almost to write no more,Spruce (Amorosus) I could not forbeare:
To tell the world how like a common-Whore,
Thou spend'st each morne in trimming of thy haire.
Which hauing done, and finisht nere so soone,
Thou look'st no better then a wilde Baboone.
Per plumas Anser.
See how young Rufus walkes in greene each day,As if he nere was youthfull vntill now:
Ere Christmas next this greene-Goose will be gray,
And those high burnisht Plumes in's Cap will bow.
But yet you wrong him, since his purse is full,
To call him Goose, that is so young a Gull.
Ad Momum.
Momus , you told me late I did not well,Seeming as 'twere my little wit to sell:
Why man, the Ægyptians sold their babes for gaine,
And may not I the Infant of my braine?
But well I wot thou'lt set it soone at naught,
And say the Childe is better fed then taught.
Peace Momus, peace, either thy good word lend it,
Or come and take my roome till thou canst mend it.
Et Puella, & Fœmina.
Lucina's yeeres runnes on so smooth and euen,That at sixteene shee seeemes but as eleuen:
Yet marke how strange the time had her beguilde,
Who prou'd a Mother being but a Childe.
Omnibus hoc Uitium.
An honest Constable that made search of late,And found a fellow with a wench in Bed:
Wish't hee himselfe had bene Associate,
And therefore kindely bad them both God speed.
Be sure (qd.he) Ile not descrie your lurking,
Let Nature (that's so well prouok't) be working.
Prodit se lingua.
A countrey Butcher late with Oxen passes,Hard by a Dame that kept a shop of glasses:
Who lisping chides him with words sinicall,
Thirra remoue your Ballocks from my Stall.
Whereat the Butcher smiling makes a stop,
But she with anger, blushing leaues her shop.
Admonita peior.
Priscill doth plainely to the world appeale,Since Women that deale plaine, are Baladiz'd:
Shee'l with her Husband no more plainely deale,
Or mongst plaine dealing people be compriz'd.
Dum friget, calescit.
Who doubts but Susan when she first bore sway,Had for one night a French Crown pitch & pay;
But who so simple now, knowes not the reason
Shee tooke not Dyet, nor the Sweate in season.
Asinus ex Asino.
Grillus outragious grewe with selfe conceit,Dreaming of late hee was transformd an Asse:
And waking, needes would to the world repeat,
That it for certaine truth came so to passe.
Who thus besotted, forthwith gins to bray,
Attempteth eke like Bankes his Horse to daunce,
Runnes to the Stable there to feede on Hay,
Striues to Coruet, Cariere, Kick, Wince and praunce,
But since that Grillus, nothing so much feares,
As the appearance of his Asses eares.
Non dulce, quod utile.
Turdosus trainde in the Nocturnall Trade,Which wee by Title of Gold-finder call:
With oft infusion such escapes had made,
As causd his Maister (much displeasd withall)
Say thus in rage Thou a Iakes-Farmer proue?
A Cobler (knaue) would thee much more behoue.
To my Booke-seller.
Thy Bookes (I doubt not) but will all be bought,Though nere so bitter for the Title thought:
To putrifactious Ulcers that abide,
The strongest Medicines must bee applide.
Yet may be well inough indur'd: all which,
Are but as Worme-wood giuen to kill the itch.
Nuda Ueritas.
Young Mistresse Sisley, and her Sister Kate,Scornes to be thought with tricks t'equiuocate:
Therfore sayes plaine, if twere not true they swore,
Let each be censurd for an arrant Whore.
Soluat utcunque Senex.
Old Squinto deales with's Wench not like a strangerThough comes perhaps but once a Weeke, or so:
T'is knowne he keeps her still at Rack and manger
Whether shee loue or loath him yea, or no.
He payes for all she spends, and eates, or drinkes:
Allowes her Horse and Coach to ryde at pleasure,
Yea what shee best for recreation thinkes,
That bids her vse, and chuse againe at pleasure.
Thus doth the Dotard dull and detestable,
Make others doe what hee himselfe's not able.
Sperare liceat Infidelibus.
That Luscus hath no Lattin t'is no Lye,Nor that hee writeth false Ortographye,
Yet passeth for a Checquer Clearke we see,
And hopes this Tearme to purchase many a Fee.
Nay more he hopes to proue an Officer,
If case (quoth hee) our Uicar doth not erre:
Who well remembers in his Prouerbs saith,
The weake in Knowledge, may be strong in Faith.
Casta, quam nemo rogauit.
Why tempt you me (qd. Win) with words vnchast?Or doe you loue to spend your breath in wast?
I am not Syr, the Wench you take me for,
But scorne the motion, and your words abhorre.
T'is knowne how well I liue without disgrace,
And therefore chosen haue this priuate place.
Where, since the time we may not long inherit,
Your Welcome must be therefore as you merit.
Alas (good Syr) you are to mee a stranger,
But that's all one, when you are free from daunger
I am perswaded (though your yeares be young)
You haue a subtil and inticing toung,
Able to tempt a Woman goe astray,
Should shee not haue the grace to say you nay.
Fye, who would trust these men vpon their words?
The world mongst twenty scarce one true affoords.
But to giue each his due, I must confesse,
You nere as yet haue wrongd me more or lesse.
Nay, pray forbeare, my Maide heares all your wooings,
Shee knowes I am not vsde vnto such dooings.
You talke of matters worth as much as nought,
But not a word what Money you haue brought.
Nor euer dreame you at what charge wee liue,
That for our Lodgings thus much weekly giue.
Which such as you (alas) nere thinke vpon,
That once haue had your pleasures, and are gone.
What, will you Syr dispatch and make an ende?
Come: you shall see Ile vse you as a Frende,
And as befits a man of your estate,
Nor loue I many words expostulate.
Belieue Syr, as you are a Gentleman,
I tooke no handsell since the Terme began.
As purchase may my second Maydenhed.
Which though I say't, and doe not vse to flout,
Good Knights haue sude for oft, and gone without:
Whats there? Two shillings six pence? mary muffe:
You thinke belike wee are some common stuffe:
Yes, in good time, t'were more then fitte I graunt yee,
You need but aske and haue, yes Syr I waunt yee.
I thought as much how franck you were before,
Dee vse to giue your Hackney-Iades no more?
Twer good you kept it still Syr and were going,
Assure your selfe I am not for your mowing,
Nor any mans that me so basely scan,
My Maide gets so much of each Seruing-man.
Make you no difference pray twixt her and mee?
Or must wee both alike reputed bee;
Well Sir is that the mayne you will disburse?
Or haue you no more Money in your purse?
The time I spend about this idle chat,
May loose and hinder mee I know not what.
Pish; yet more dooing? pray Syr hold your hand,
And iest with those you boldly may command.
Had I not thought you one of better proofe,
You nere should entred haue within my roofe.
A man of your sort, sparing his expence?
I pray Syr hold me not I must goe hence.
But ere I part, knowe without more relate,
A French Crowne is my least and lowest rate.
Which if you haue not, you may leaue some pawne,
Nor will I to a dodkin lesse be drawne.
But scorne for thrice as much I tell you true,
Thus prostitute my selfe, wert not to you.
Tut, nere tell me youl come againe and pay,
I haue too oft bene vs'de with such delay.
Wee loue the Present, not the Future Tence.
You know my minde: the'res now no more to say;
Doe this, or here's the Dore, and ther's the way. [OMITTED]
Mens conscia recti.
Ralph told his Mistresse hee had done with her,Which she conceiu'd at worst and calld him knaue
Threatning to bring him 'fore an Officer
Where shee th' advantage of the Law might haue.
Indeed (qd. Ralph) I nere presumd so on you,
Till now you pleasd' to take the Whore vpon you.
Hypocrita uideatur.
Pullus supposeth none obserues his haunts,Of stealing secretly vnto mine Aunts,
Without his Page; Oh Syr it might be said,
He else were seene to kisse the Kitchin-Mayde.
Or suffer Sisse or Susan search his Hose,
Which to the world his Page might chance disclose,
Tut Pullus can such after-claps remoue,
Et si non castè, tamen cautè proue.
For nere of him was yet more seene or hard,
Then of blinde George, or Iohn of Pauls-Church-yarde.
Meliùs sit per Deputatum.
A clyent that to London came for Law,In right of Land which some had sought withdraw.
Finding his Aduocate gone forth a mile,
Propounds the Case vnto his wife the while.
Who soone deciding it without expence,
Tolde him the fault was in his Euidence.
Cedendum necessitati.
Franciscas sweares hee'l be no more forsworne,No more will Swagger, Surfet, or be drunck:
No more his locks will weare at length but shorne,
No more converse or sollace with his Punck.
No more chast Widdowes, Maides, or Wiues abuse,
No more leawd Songs, or bawdy termes repeat:
No more Tobacco midst of Dinners vse;
No more detract, lye, flatter, cogge, or cheat.
For true it is, Time now hath better taught him,
Since late that scuruy Woodstreet-Counter caught him.
Nescit Stultus irasci.
Codrus a Countrey Clowne, well worth the namingFell amongst Gamesters late to learne their vice:
That (soone intreated,) drawne was into Gaming,
And gulld of all his Golde, with cheating Dice;
Which Codrus seeing, halfe in anger swore,
They nere from him should gaine one penny more.
Uiuitur ex Fumo.
Fuscus growes fat, yet feedes on nought at all,How liues hee then to any Creatures thincking?
Oh Syr, by precepts Metaphysicall,
For know that Fuscus deales in nought but drinking,
No foode at all his Fancie can prouoke,
But wholesome liquor, and a Pipe of Smoke.
Ad Conscium, Epilogus.
Now what sayes Conscius to these scuruy Rymes,Are they not basest most absurd abuses?
Hadst not bene better by a thousand times,
T'haue spent thy sixe-pence vpon other vses?
Come, th' art an Asse, nor canst by Approbation,
Say yet precisely where the Saddle wrings:
Onely doest feele by natures inclination,
The more a Horse is galld, the more hee flings.
Harke in thine Eare, if this thou thinkst disgrace,
Next time Ile ride thee through the Market-place.
SATYRS.
Magnis, peccata minus.
Yee nimble Satyrs, that with howling straine,Belch out the poysoned' Canker yee containe
Of Earths pollution, and the worlds offence,
Maskt and obscur'd with secret vile pretence;
You that delight to torture men aliue,
And through the channels of destruction diue;
Avaunt, dispatch, and looke yee not protract,
To bring to light, each hainous horrid act.
What? Stand yee fearfull of mens outward features?
Or dread ye shadowes but of painted Creatures
Whose seeming outsides onely made for showe
Assume the substance which themselues not know;
Or is't because you scorne to dignifie
The leawde ambition of prowd bastardie;
Where can yee finde within Earths continent,
Men of that rare refined Element
Who fearing to be damnd or checkt for blame,
Are more lesse subiect vnto sinne then shame;
But so delight in lewdness to excell,
As they prooue Diuells before they come to Hell;
Drunck with the dregges of sinnne insatiate,
Appearing Monsters most adulterate.
Carelesse of Blisse, of Conscience, or of Soule,
Till glut of guiltines their deedes controule:
And they with Vleers so infected are,
As euery limme is blemisht with a skarre
Of shamelesse, leawde, and loath'd iniquitie,
Sprung from the loynes of lust and infamie.
Which thus hath made them Chiildren for the Diuell.
And now swolln bigge with blushlesse Impudence,
Presume their greatnes may with Ioue dispence.
prescribing to themselues those rules of reasons,
As must accord with their owne times and seasons.
What's hee that's drunck, or sursets (hauing wealth)
But will alledge t'is Physicke for his health.
That Uenus sports and Carnall appetite
Are for euacuation requisite.
That murder rape and incest (threatning ruth)
Are all but held as idle toyes of Youth.
Mischiefes that pleasures bring who would preuent,
Ther's tyme (say they) hereafter to repent.
Or that their best of deedes are done too late,
If to be damnd it be predestinate.
Some Woolues in Sheep-Skinnes wrapt gainst such men barke,
And care not what themselues doe in the darke.
Yet chiefly are ordaind to rule the rout,
Because their Office herein beares them out.
Who knowes not Greatnes may dispence with Lawes,
Thers no resistance in a rich mans cause.
For those bewitching Obiects, Golde and pleasure,
Are Plutoes Agents that augments his treasure.
And do perswade vs, there's no Hell but feare,
No life, nor ioy, nor paine, but this life here.
The weake ones wanting grace streight follow this,
Credulitie in ill, robbs man of blisse.
Man wrongs his Maker by his want of merit,
Sinne giues a sharpe edge to a Satyrs spirit.
Pyde Uanitie, th' inticing bayte for Fooles,
Muffles our Knowledge, to intrappe our Soules.
The world growne Aged, should prepare to end,
But Nature so gainst reason doth contend.
And to be vertuous now is held a crime.
For those seuen Sciences their grounds of Arts,
Haue euermore possest their sacred parts.
Which seuen wide steppes vnto Damnation,
Deciph'red are in order one by one.
First, Selfe-lou'd Pride, the Idoll of the Court,
Is Plutoes Agent drest to make him sport.
And that mis-shapen Monster Drunkennesse,
Is his sworne Taster to the Furies messe.
Next horrid Murder, makes his veynes to swell,
And is as Butcher to the King of Hell.
Couetousnesse is his chief'st Officer,
And Enuie forreine-States Interpreter.
Sloath is his Chamber-groome, and makes the Bed
To Lust, his Sodomitick Ganymed.
Thus Pluto spends the TIME amidst those Reuills,
That first for pleasure were deuizde by Diuells.
Who surfetting at length, made drunk with myrth,
Casts vp those Monsters to defile the Earth
That with weake Frailtie, lickes those vomits vp,
For Plutos Nectar, which must fill his Cuppe.
These Hellish States-men, these soule-killing sinnes,
To follow here on Earth who so beginnes.
And meanes to practise, as they come but neare him,
Well may hee know GOD, but hee cannot feare him.
Trahit sua quemque Uoluptas.
Howle on yee Satyrs, whilst I sit and marke,How wolfish-Enuie at my Muse doth barke.
Backbite, detract, rayle, slaunder, and reuile,
With words of hatred and vnciuill stile,
And many better Bookes hee passing ouer,
By chaunce findes this, whereon he reades a while,
Then bytes the lippe, then frownes, then giues a smile,
And to the Seller sayes such fiery braines,
Should warme the prison to reward their paines.
Becomes it any man of his profession,
Reproue vs of our manners or transgression?
Away goes hee; Next comes my gallant Dycer,
His ordinarie stomacke is more nicer,
Who asks for new Books; this the Stationer showes him:
Streight sweares t'is nought vnles the Poet knows him.
Nor will hee read a Line: this Fortunes Mynion,
Likes forsooth nothing but his owne opinion.
The mending Poet takes it next in hand,
Who hauing oft the Verses ouer-scand.
O filching streight, doth to the Stationer say,
Heer's foure lines stolne from forth my last New-play.
And that hee'l swere euen by the Printers Stall,
Although hee knowes tis false hee speakes in all.
Then comes my Innes-of-Court-Man, in his Gowne,
Cryes Mew, what Hackney, brought this wit to towne,
But soone againe my gallant Youth is gon,
Minding the Kitchin more then Littleton.
Tut, what cares hee for Law, shall haue inough,
When's Father dyes, that Cankard Miser-Chuffe.
Put him a Case in Ploydon then who will,
That being his, plod you on Law-Bookes still.
Next comes by my Familiar, yet no Spirit,
Who forceth me his Friendship to inherit.
He sees my Booke in Print, and streight hee knowes it,
Then asketh for the Booke, and the Boy showes it.
Then reades a while and sayes, I must commend it,
But sure, Some Frend of his for him hath pend it.
For well I wote t'was nere his Occupation.
Besides by Checquer-Clarks, that oft haue seene him,
I nere could heare of Schollership was in him.
Twere good to poze him but to haue it knowne,
Or t'is no matter, let it euen alone.
Next after him, your Countrey-Farmer viewes it,
It may be good (saith hee) for those can vse it.
Shewe mee King Arthur, Beuis, or Syr Guye,
Those are the Bookes he onely loues to buye.
Well, that he likes and walkes. Then comes a Diuell,
With sober countenance, and Garments ciuill.
A Puritane, or pure one, choose you whether,
(For both as one makes selfe-same sense together.)
Hee lookes on some, and finding this the next,
With very sight therof his minde is vext.
Fye ont't (saith he) that any man should buye,
Such Bookes prophane of fained Poetrie,
That teacheth vice, worse then your Playes on Stages,
And is a shame to olde and future Ages.
To louing Brother-hoods Communitie,
That are defilde by such impuritie.
Away retires my fained Publican,
And after him next comes my Seruing-man.
Who calls for new Bookes, heres one sayes the Boy,
He reads, and tells him, tut, this is a toy,
And nere will please our Maides that take delight,
In bookes of Ladies or some valiant Knight.
Those wittie workes buyes hee, and thence he passes,
Next him comes my Scholaris, mongst those Asses;
Who scarce vouchsafes his eyes thereon to glance,
Or reading but a line or two by chance.
Must on it streight way striue to breake a iest,
(As who shall know hee's wiser then the rest.)
Ile nere allow that good which hath no Lattin.
Besides, how'euer I disdaine to read him,
Vnles I knew what House or Colledge bred him.
Lo thus my Batchellour of little Artes,
Will needes (presage t'is naught) and so departs.
At length comes-by my Mungrell home-spun Clarke,
Whose Antique gesture I beseech you marke.
No sooner this my Booke in hand he seeth,
But rubs his elbow, showes his butter teeth,
And sayes, Is't English? then let him alone,
For other language (tells you) learnt he none.
But knowes by whome this Epigram was made,
Hee's iust saith hee a man of mine owne Trade.
Then on the sudden falls his courage downe,
Finding a Clarke translated from a Clowne.
Which hauing read, n'ere asks him how they fell,
But steales away, and shames to bid Farewell.
Last comes my scoffing Friend of scowring wit,
Who thinks his iudgement boue all Arts doth sit.
He buyes the Booke, and hastes him to the Play,
Where, when he coms, and reads, Heer's stuffe doth say.
Because the lookers on may hold him wise,
He laughs at what he likes, and then will rise,
And takes Tobacco; Then about will looke,
And more dislike the Play, then of the Booke.
At length is vext hee should with charge be drawne,
For such slight sights to lay a Sute to pawne.
A Number more like Addle braines as these,
I could giue Physicke to for their disease.
But better subiects shall employ my penne,
Then the Low-minded muddy drosse of men,
That wrong our labours by their duller spirits,
And iudge vs by their hate, not by our merits.
That can finde fault at my Satyricke Rimes.
Good men will loue mee, whiles the bad I lose.
Hee that speakes alwayes truth, is sure of Foes.
Sic Transit gloria Mundi.
Marke & you loue me, who's yond marching hither,Some braue Low-countrey-Captain, with his feather
And high-Crownd-hat, see into Paules he goes,
To showe his Doublet and Italian Hose.
The whiles his Corporall walkes th' other Ile,
To see what simple Gulls he can beguile,
In hope of purchase, for if such he meet,
They follow must his Captaine through the Street.
Where the poore Gulls before this Leader stand,
With lowly reuerence, and their Hats in hand.
Houering an Idoll, for true worth it selfe,
Because he keeps him braue with wrong got-pelfe.
But note this Gallants Genealogie,
Then shall you see his byrth and progenie.
His Father liu'd by gaming to defraude,
His Mother was an Ale-wife and a Bawde.
Yet doth this Outside so deceyue mens sight.
As oftentimes hee's taken for a Knight.
But Farewell Captaine, and now note this man,
This griping Mammon that doth all he can
To bee on Earth Great Plutoes-Treasurer,
And when he dies, in Hell an Officer.
This Slaue in Cash hath forty thousand pound,
Yet such a wretch there breaths not on the ground.
His Parents in their liues, gaue him their state,
But he returnd their loues with matchlesse hate.
He nourisht was by sucking of their blood.
And now possest of all they had before,
Vnnaturally against them shuts his Dore.
Yet now this Monster liues to doe more euill,
Lurking here still a Ledger for the Diuell.
The next to him comes Prodigalitie,
A Townesmans Heire strowting in brauerie.
This Foole makes Suppers for Whores, Bawds, & Cheators,
Yea, lends them money, but to call them Debtors.
Nere lookes to hate' againe: Cousnage defeat him,
When he wants Money at his neede, they beate him.
No wonder, for hee more deserues by halfe,
Tis good enough for such a golden Calfe.
Of whom a man may trulie prophesie,
His ende will be diseased Beggerie.
Next a penurious Miser wretch comes forth,
That owes his bellie more then he is worth.
Yea, faine would seede out of the Prisoners basket,
Wert not for feare, or shame, he durst not aske it.
Yet hath his Shoppe and Cellers stufft with Wares,
Which to make profite of hee onely cares.
Nere breakes the interest that thence redounds,
But is as prouident in pence as pounds.
Who to saue charges faine would woolward goe,
But that he doubts the world thereof should know.
Tut, penny sau'de (saith hee) is penny got,
Spend they that meane to begge, I like it not.
If labour or preuention can it let,
Heel' not in Fleete or Counter lye for Debt.
No, no, such Husbands as are worldly wise,
Will spend no more then nature shall suffise.
As not to drinke more then their braynes can carie,
For feare their iudgements from their wits should varie.
To make him proue a damned Vsurer.
Adding still Interest to the principall,
Till in the ende hee hang himselfe for all.
But note what sober Citizen comes next,
That like a Preacher will expound a Text.
And tell what danger comes by doing euill,
Speake like a Saint, and doe worse then a Diuell.
For Golde heel' wrong his Father, cheat his Brother,
And yet these faults reproues hee in an other.
Who vnder cloake of Ciuill pollicie,
Presumes to couer all his villanie.
Pluto takes pride to see these plants so flourish,
Who as his Children hee desires to nourish,
And takes them home when they haue spent their prime
Least tarrying long they should corrupt more time.
But wherefore rippe I vp those dregges of men,
That wrongs true labour and a Satyrs pen.
To treat of Warres or Actions to be done,
Let next the Current of your Channells runne.
A Paradox in praise of Warre.
Peace thou Corrupter of Mortalitie,Mother of shame and base securitie.
Whose beggerd wombe so many Bastards brings,
Three parts must starue, the rest like demie Kings,
Raigne ore their Brothers, all maligne their byrth,
To haue one Father, yet are Slaues on Earth.
Aide mee ye powers, whose influence got you Fame,
To rippe the wombe of peace, and shewe her shame.
Peace makes a faire showe, but tis fowle within,
Peace like to Riuers, feedes a Sea of sinne.
And in a iust cause mans renowne increase.
T'is wholsome Warre dissolues the course of sinne,
Men best repent, when dangers neere beginne
To shew their Faces'; but whiles peace doth hold,
Our strength is weake, and our Deuotion cold.
Safety from worldly danger makes men thinke,
They that stand fast on earth shall neuer sinke.
The Countrey-Myser that his gold preserues,
To feede him fatte whiles many thousand starues,
Is thus occasiond by this slothfull peace,
Which lessens vertue to make vice increase.
T'is fearelesse Peace makes pleasure mans chiefe God,
We want both sight and feeling of Warres rodde.
That Land more happie is that Warre doth nourish,
Causing the world in better state to flourish.
For danger makes vs feare a sudden ende,
Feare saddes the soule because it did offend.
The feare of danger makes each man prepard,
And of his ill past life to haue regard.
Danger calls Conscience to a strict account,
Repentance makes a heauie soule to Mount.
Tis soft securitie lulls men in sinne,
That onely couet but Earths ioyes to winne.
Tis idle Peace that breedes in vs such faction
As kills at home, for want of Forraine action.
The Valiant man doth hence his Fame increase,
Maintaines himselfe by warres, growes poore by peace!
Hence flowes the fountaines of detected vice,
Sloath, Lust, Deceipt, and filthie Auarice.
Extortion, Usurie, and gaines Excesse,
Gryping the Liuing of the Fatherlesse.
So they by vse or fraude their bagges may fil.
In show of goodnes they'l commit all ill.
And make them poore by Law, that such dares crosse.
For this all-wishing-Golde is of that force,
As muffles Iustice, and exiles Remorce.
Golde in these times can turne the wheele of Fate,
And make them best belou'd deserues most hate.
Golde can make peace ioyne hands of deadly Foes,
Gold can make warre again wound peace with blowes:
T'is peace that makes this Indian Golde ador'd
This golden Calfe Idolatrizde, abhor'd.
Golde in the soule breedes such an alteration,
As men desire it more then their saluation.
Some cut mens throats for Golde, commit all euils,
Gold makes them Gods on Earth, and in Hell Diuels.
T'is pursie Peace that makes it of such price,
And is the Mother of all sinne and vice.
Making vs prone to all securitie,
Which thus proceedes through times securitie.
Peace makes Religion faint, and not regarded,
Uertue a Beggar, Learning vnrewarded.
Strange new Damnations, drowzie Peace beginnes,
And now the world well knowes the worst of sinnes,
Which through securitie doe so increase,
As endlesse plagues are matched still with Peace.
Plura sequerentur.
| The Mastive, or Young-Whelpe of the Olde-Dogge | |