University of Virginia Library

22. XXII.
REPORT OF A SCIENTIFIC LECTURE.

An intelligent and fashionable audience, consisting
of the members of the Biological Society,
their friends, and the representatives of the city
press, having assembled, the lecturer was introduced
by the Hon. Prurient L. Halfjohn, with a
few brief and felicitous remarks; after which,
bowing urbanely to the ladies, and directing the
summary expulsion of a rude boy who had crawled
in at a window without paying, Professor Vaurien
commenced as follows:

“In a popular work, which may be found upon
the centre-table of every lady, and in the library
of every statesman — I need hardly say that I
allude to the first volume of Sir Walter Scott's
Infantry Tactics — the following striking paragraph
occurs:

“The contemplation of the singular fact thus
evolved in the simple and forcible language of the
great Poet, has developed some considerations upon
the constitution of Truth, which I now propose
to present perspicuously to your minds. In
so doing, the naked truth will be exhibited, with
a decent regard for public opinion, and the falsity
of the assertion, made in one of the poems of
Coleman and Stetson, that `Truth lies in the bottom
of a well,' rendered apparent by a course of
philosophical reasoning.

“By a beautiful application of the differential
theory, the singular fact is demonstrated, that all
integrals assume the forms of the atoms of which
they are composed, with, however, in every case,
the important addition of a constant, which, like
the tail of a tadpole, may be dropped on certain
occasions when it becomes troublesome. Hence,
it will evidently follow, that space is round, though,
in viewing it from certain positions, the presence
of the cumbrous addendum may slightly modify
the definity of its rotundity. To ascertain and fix

the conditions under which, in the definite consideration
of indefinite immensity, the infinitesimal
incertitudes, which, homogeneously aggregated,
compose the idea of space, admit of the compatible
retention of this constant, would form a beautiful
and healthy recreation for the inquiring mind:
but, pertaining more properly to the metaphysician
than to the ethical student, it cannot enter into
the present discussion.

“It is here alluded to as the opening to a field of
contemplation and investigation worthy the examination
of those representatives of the nation, who
have, at present, abundant leisure to devote to
such vigorous mental exercise. Our immediate
business is with the troublesome constant in its
generality. We do not need to particularize; as
Pliny the Elder remarked of the needle in the
hay-mow: `It will do to reason upon in bulk.'
Assuming, for present convenience, that facts are
things, let us reason accordingly; deliberately, for
time is eternal; and cautiously, for nothing can be
more uncertain than facts, and the presence of the

peculiar constant adds to the uncertainty instead
of annulling it, integrals though facts be. As, in
our small but efficient Navy, one man cannot, unassisted,
be guilty of mutiny, so cannot his individual
volition be creative of fact. In fact, fact
cannot be created. It must preëxist, and to that
preëxistence, as well as to the fact itself, must be
attached and mentally comprehended the variable
constant. That mental comprehension must be
dull; of the mind that promulges, and of the soul
that is impressed by it, both retaining, being integrals,
the variable invariable. From these simple
considerations we draw the substance of what vain
mortals, each with his or her changable constant
attached, call Truth.

“Truth involves the inception of its preëxistence,
followed by enunciation and comprehension,
and accompanied in both mental essences, by homogeneous
arrangements of accordant constants of
variable constitution.

With this clear view of an hitherto misunderstood
conception, its positive applicability to the

ordinary affairs of the world is rendered impracticable
without an equally lucid consideration of attendant
constants too numerous to be readily reconcilable
with one another and with the subject
under discussion. And under this difficulty has
the world existed ever since the beginning of the
precession of the equinoxes, and so it will continue
to roll on while time shall last, accompanied
by its ever-increasing swarm of variable invariables!

“Ingenious apprximations are all that the patient
investigator dares to substitute for the remote
Truth, which, like the lost Pleiad, every one
thinks he can see. So standeth the world gazing
agape upon plethoric immensity and saying,
`There is Truth!' The world, here alluded to,
is an aggregation of individuals with their respective
constants in various states of order and confusion.
Suppose a communication from one of these
head-quarters of reason and its reception by another:
Can condemnation be predicated, or odium
exhale from the accidental incompatibility of the

attached constants? Hardly. Does approbation
confer upon such communication the property of
indubitable veracity?” Such were a far-stretched
conclusion. Examine well your variable constants,
and too often you will detect defects in their coexistent
accordance.

“The subject admits of much deep thought and
profound study, and is commended to the class before
named as an occupation for eternity. These
few hints may show the open path to deeper investigation,
and those who value Truth may pursue
it. Meanwhile, let the broad mantle of charity
enwrap your own and your fellow-mortals' errors.
Seek patiently. Until the end is attained,
condemn not rashly. May not your own constant
be a little out of order?”

Amid a storm of applause, I was borne by
the Hon. Prurient L. into the next room, where
the door-keeper was waiting to render his account
of the evening. A hasty inspection of his book
educed the gratifying fact that the receipts of the
night amounted, over and above expenses, to the

handsome sum of four dollars thirty-seven-and-a-half
cents! But what are net receipts compared
with fame!

An embarrassing circumstance has, however,
been brought to my notice. The committee of
the Bt. who got out the mammoth posters announcing
the lecture, in order to secure a full
house, rashly pledged in my name, one thousand
dollars to the Cabmen's Orphan Society, and the
treasurer is even now awaiting the receipt thereof
at the door. In this emergency my self-possession
does not desert me. I am now busy painting my
visage with a burnt cork, and Prurient has turned
my coat wrong side out, so that I may pass him
under the assumed character of Gumbo Chaff. I
shall discontinue lecturing. It has its annoyances.
Flint's new hat, which he so liberally lent me,
“for this night only,” has been used as a spittoon
by a reporter during the whole evening. Prurient
advises me to leave. He says he will procure
me a mission to the Choctaws through his
influence with the Sec. of the Int— (there! I

had nearly betrayed his confidence,) with a distinguished
person, the S-cr-t-ry of the I-t-r-or,
and I will start to-morrow. When you get another
letter you will know my whereabouts.